When men Reappear...

[Karine26]

In almost every single case a guy I have been dating for a few months will reappear somewhere down the line. My opinion has been once its done, its DONE. No second chances. However, talking to people they think I'm being too harsh and that sometimes it takes a guy to date around to realize that you were something special. Do you guys agree with this?

 

My friend recently got engaged after her guy stopped dating her 4 years ago but then reappeared a few months later. I was watching TV last night about a couple getting married and they and the same story. Then I was watching a talk show and the talk show host said it is ok to give it a second time bc sometimes guys do not realize what they have until its gone. I have always believed that if a man doesn't realize how special you are the first time around, then too bad lol I think I would feel that the guy would not value me as much if I started dating him again after he was dating other women and then came back.

 

I know that most of the time guys try to come back around it is because they are bored, lonely or horny lol I'm talking about guys in their early 30's so it may be different if the guys are older.

 

What do you guys think about this?

[Truth34]

I think it depends more on how long you were dating and what type of relationship it was turning into.

 

I think shorter stints with more fun time than serious commital time lends better to a second or third chance because it was kept light and fun. But if you have spent a long time with another person, they have a lot more to go on when they leave. They know you better and attribute their knowledge to their decision to leave. So obviously they had time to weigh their options and decide to find someone else "better", and that is the one I would have trouble letting back into my life.

[RoseWater]

if all your men are disappearing on you you need to look into why

[smackie9]

OP I agree with you. I'm one to not give second chances either or even perish the thought of dating an ex again. It ended for a reason IMO, and if they were not willing to work it out or if I had enough of their crap, then why would anyone think they will be any different second time around.

[Lovelorn00]

OP I agree with you. I'm one to not give second chances either or even perish the thought of dating an ex again. It ended for a reason IMO, and if they were not willing to work it out or if I had enough of their crap, then why would anyone think they will be any different second time around.

 

I have to agree with this. I think when it comes to this, people don't change. Men who disappear do so for a reason, and though they may come back, they're highly likely to do it again. Once a ghoster, always a ghoster. Can't be trusted.

[andie1969]

I'm dating someone that I dated for about 6 weeks back in Feb/March. He didn't ghost on me, but got cold feet and pulled back. After a week or two of limbo, I went NC for over a month. Then, in mid-May when I'm out on a date with another guy, I get a text from him telling me he really missed me, etc. I very cautiously began contact with him and let him explain what happened, he took full responsibility. We started seeing each other again Memorial Day weekend and have been doing great ever since. We are both in our 40's.

 

I have had guys come sniffing back around who I know were either bored or had just been dumped. Ain't nobody got time for that!

[Miss Peach]

I'm not one to give second or third chances lightly. Especially for disappearing. At the very least that shows lack of integrity (though I can excuse it for a handful of dates). Often I see people who do this are emotionally unavailable and are often addicted to the new relationship/infatuation phase, bored, just dumped, etc. That's why it's rare for me to take these guys reappearing seriously.

[oldshirt]

I've kind of done that.

 

 

Let me share my story, it might shed some insight into the male mind.

 

 

When I was 20 there was a girl my age that I will call 'M'. She was an attractive and outgoing person and we hit it off and could spend hours talking about anything and everything. There were a few occasions we literally talked all night on the phone and we could carry on a conversation about a wide variety of topics in person just as well.

 

 

I could tell she was giving me the batting eyes and the giggles at my lame jokes and I was a bit smitten myself.

 

 

Now here is the background and where the problem was. I was pretty shy and awkward and geeky. I had had 1 long term girlfriend before in high school and had gotten dumped about a year before getting with M.

 

 

Now while I wasn't a virgin and had had a GF before, M on the other hand had been around the block a few times and had a bit of a 'reputation' in the very small, Midwest farming community we were in. I was a bit hesitant because of that and did keep her at an arm's length.

 

 

Eventually the flirting and banter gave way to some feelings and we did start to date and quickly things heated up and we found our way between the sheets.

 

 

She was only the second woman I had been to bed with but probably to this day is still the most electric and most heated chemistry I ever had.

 

 

M was also a bit of a free spirit in terms of partying and smoking weed and stuff whereas I was wrapped about as tight as you can get without being an actual choir boy.

 

 

We dated and hooked up a few times a week for a couple months but it was too much for me. I was simply too intimidated by her sexuality and her casual values and mores.

 

 

I ended up doing the fade out.

 

 

She was kinda pissed and upset but didn't seem overly so and I also assumed she had guys lined up down the street so I really wasn't too worried about it.

 

 

I eventually started dating someone else that was more my speed and my more my background and I ended up getting pretty serious with her for almost a couple years.

 

 

That next relationship ended (badly I might add) a couple years later and by that time I was out of school and starting my career in another town an hour or so from home.

 

 

And I began dating other girls and had a variety of experiences and hook ups and dates and relationships to varying degrees.

 

 

It was about 3 years later that I realized that the chemistry and the connection we shared was special. And I found myself thinking about her and fantasizing about her all the time.

 

 

I did try to contact her but she had moved and I was unable to track her down (this was late 1980s with no facebook or internet Google searches etc.

 

 

Eventually I got into another serious relationship.

 

 

Then one day I got a phone call out of the blue from M. She was in town and was able to get my number and called me. I agreed to meet her and she came to my place.

 

 

We talked and then she kind of spilled her guts that she had been with a variety of guys but that none of them had the same chemistry or connection that we had.

 

 

I basically confessed to the same but stated I was in a serious relationship and wasn't going to dump my GF for her and we left it at that but were on good terms.

 

 

OK I'll fast forward through a number of years and other relationships but in a nutshell what took place was I broke up with my GF a couple years later but she was in an R.

 

 

Then she broke up with that dude but I was in an R.

 

 

Then ELEVEN YEARS AFTER WE DATED and right before I was going to propose to my wife she called and left a message on my answering machine (this was 1995) that she was free and single again and she was checking my status to see if I was available.

 

 

I'll admit, I thought about it for a moment, but then decided my future was going to be with my wife. I called her and told I was engaged and that I was sorry she hadn't called a year prior when I was single.

 

 

Today, we are on Facebook and will still say hi and I even saw her a couple times through work a couple years ago, and while there are still fond memories and some warm feelings much of the chemistry and attraction has faded into manageable portions.

 

 

But here is the punch line and where I am going with this. When we first started dating I was a shy, awkward, inexperienced, geeky boy that lacked the drive and confidence that I thought I needed to get a woman like that. I was very tightly wrapped and traditional and she was a very open, casual, free spirit that liked to light up weed and hook up with some dude. I believed with had very differing values and mores and at the time, we did.

 

 

However a few years later, I had grown another inch or so, put on about 20lbs of muscle mass, had finished school, was starting my career and living on my own.

 

 

And I had been around the block a number of times wit a variety of women and felt that I now had the confidence and competence to be with a woman of her caliber.

 

 

I did try to find her and I would have made her a good BF if the stars had lined up and we were able to get back together but it never worked out that way.

 

 

The times I made her an offer, she turned them down. And the times she made offers, I couldn't accept.

 

 

The difference between when we started dating and the time I tried to find her was I grew up as a man instead of a barely-out-of-teens boy that was still living with his parents.

 

 

I would have made her a good BF the second time around and I knowing what I know now, she would have made me a good GF.

[oldshirt]

 

 

But here is the punch line and where I am going with this. When we first started dating I was a shy, awkward, inexperienced, geeky boy that lacked the drive and confidence that I thought I needed to get a woman like that. I was very tightly wrapped and traditional and she was a very open, casual, free spirit that liked to light up weed and hook up with some dude. I believed with had very differing values and mores and at the time, we did.

 

 

 

 

Ok now do you want to hear the real irony to this story? In the 30 years since we were first together, we have completely switched roles.

 

 

Back then I was the uptight, straight and narrow school boy that was intimidated by the town party-girl and she was wild, free spirit that was ok with drugs and casual sex etc etc.

 

 

I now today I think about any kind of sexuality is fine and dandy as long as it is responsible, respectful, consenting adults and I have been an actual swinger for about 10 years.

 

 

Whereas M was a wild child back in the day, she has since found religion and now is basically a bible girl and has pretty much completely condemned her youthful partying days.

 

 

In 1984 she was hitting on me and trying to have a relationship with me, and I did what I could to keep her at arms length.

 

 

Now 30 years later I have kind of hit on her and tried to hook up with her in a way on occasion over the years, but she has stiff armed me and kept me at arms length because she thinks I am now the sinner. (she doesn't know about me being a swinger per se, but knows I have very relaxed and nontraditional beliefs and attitudes towards sexuality)

 

 

There are times I think if we could some how have moderated each other out where I loosed up a bit from how I was in my youth and she could've gotten a little more down to earth and traditional, we would've been good together.

[oldshirt]

OK so enough about my romantic novel that I should try to sell to Nicholas Sparks. Here is a dark and ugly truth about most guys that do the fade away and then turn back up -

 

 

For every one touching and romantic saga like mine, (at least I think it's kinda romantic and touching) there are dozens and dozens of dudes that are coming around for another piece of a$$.

 

 

I've been kind of guilty of that too with some other women so I can say it with confidence , once you've hit it, there's a part of you that thinks you'll be able to hit it again with less effort and complexity and some times it does work.

 

 

And sometimes it doesn't work, but in about everything you do, once you done it once, it's always easier to do it again.

 

 

There is a certain level of comfort and familiarity with an ex. And there are times when you are feeling a little lonely or maybe a little frisky, you get some fond memories of a past love and just feel like you may be able to pull off another piece of trim. Maybe just once for old time's sake.

 

 

So be warned, sometimes that lost love that shows up, really has grown up and realized what he once had. But the other 90% of the time, it's just some dude coming around hoping to score a piece of tail again.

[Karine26]

Thanks for your opinions. Just to clarify for those who think I'm talking about just ghosting. im not talking about always ghosting. Even if they give a reason or just say sorry it's not working out, they still reappear later. I think in those cases it's more of the bored, lonely or horny situation.

 

I'm also not just talking anout only me. Friends and coworkers as well.

[J21]

It can go either way depending on circumstance and situation.

 

Sometimes yes, people don't realize how special something is until it's gone and they cherish it more the second time around.

 

Sometimes no, once it's done, it's done.

 

There is no blanket clause you can throw this under and you're trying to draw a black and white line across something that is complicated.

[Frank2thepoint]

In almost every single case a guy I have been dating for a few months will reappear somewhere down the line. My opinion has been once its done, its DONE.

 

What do you guys think about this?

 

I'm a man, and I agree with you. Second chances are for criminals that want to re-enter society. There are no second chances in love. Never look back. Move forward.

[Zippy2000]

In almost every single case a guy I have been dating for a few months will reappear somewhere down the line. My opinion has been once its done, its DONE. No second chances. However, talking to people they think I'm being too harsh and that sometimes it takes a guy to date around to realize that you were something special. Do you guys agree with this?

 

My friend recently got engaged after her guy stopped dating her 4 years ago but then reappeared a few months later. I was watching TV last night about a couple getting married and they and the same story. Then I was watching a talk show and the talk show host said it is ok to give it a second time bc sometimes guys do not realize what they have until its gone. I have always believed that if a man doesn't realize how special you are the first time around, then too bad lol I think I would feel that the guy would not value me as much if I started dating him again after he was dating other women and then came back.

 

I know that most of the time guys try to come back around it is because they are bored, lonely or horny lol I'm talking about guys in their early 30's so it may be different if the guys are older.

 

What do you guys think about this?

 

Its true what you say. Sometimes people go their own way in life and fade away from your social group.

 

The may date other people but when time after time these relationships go wrong. Do you know what? They think back of X boy or girl and say to themselves. They werent that bad after all.............lets rekindle or kick start where they left off.

[Wewon]

In almost every single case a guy I have been dating for a few months will reappear somewhere down the line. My opinion has been once its done, its DONE. No second chances. However, talking to people they think I'm being too harsh and that sometimes it takes a guy to date around to realize that you were something special. Do you guys agree with this?

 

 

I'm a man and I agree with this. Further more, I've never understood why people give advice that sets one up to look like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football.

 

People make choices and more times than not, when they return, their reasons are usually self-serving.

 

That all being said, if someone comes back, seems to understand their behavior or has some explanation beyond, "Life happens" or some other deflection, I would be open to listen.

[BellaLuna73]

So are you the same person you were 4 years ago? Unless the X did something completely unforgivable there's no reason to shy away from a second chance.

 

 

People GROW UP and change, its part of the reason why people break up is because of the need for change and growth. If an X comes back for a second chance that must be a good sign to me because it shows that you really did mean something but they just weren't ready to be committed forever...now they are.