foolnomore Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 I am so upset with myself and I must vent before I lose sight of who I am. If your in for somewhat of a long story-here goes... In September, I met a guy from an Internet (cell phone) dating service. I was going through a rough break-up with my child's father and wanted a little companionship, so I created a profile. I got several replies,but there was one that caught my interest for some reason. It was simple-"looking for a friend to chat with". That's what I needed, so I responded. We ended up communicating through text messaging and then exchanged numbers. He sounded very nice and informed me that he was the single father of a 4 year old son. A few days later, we met in person. He was cute,tall, with a football player's build-my type. We talked on the phone a few times and would make plans to hook up,but as I said earlier-I was in the process of getting rid of my somewhat psychotic ex-boyfriend who found it impossible to believe that it was really over this time. So, a few times, I stood him up and didn't return his phone calls. It was not that I wasn't interested,but I had my own demons to deal with and didn't want to drag an innocent person into drama. A couple of weeks after losing contact, I lost my cell phone-with my new "friends" number in it-cell phones have spoiled me and I no longer memorize any numbers. Well, one Friday after I had lost my phone, he stayed on my mind-I really wanted to talk to him for some reason. I was just about to place it in my book of lost causes, and then he called!!! I couldn't believe it, I guessed that he thought I had brushed him off and wouldn't call again. We stayed on the phone for hours and my interest in getting to know him grew stronger. Again, he would ask me out on dates or want to come by my house for a visit,but I have a young daughter, a psycho ex-boyfriend, and a skeptical attitude-so I brushed him off a few times although I wanted to take time to get him better. Eventually, we did start spending more time together and soon blossomed into a full relationship. However, a couple of times, I broke up with him because I was scared of how he was making me feel-I was falling hard for him, and I didn't want to get hurt-I have been using this type of attitude for years as a defense mechanism-because when I fall-I fall HARD and when it's over-I am devastated-been there,done that-didn't want to do it again. Plus, there was the factor of his little boy's mother-who he loved deeply and she cheated on him constantly. She was getting divorced from her then husband, and had asked him if he would like to try again. He said no, but that still worried me because I knew how much he had loved her. I guess the word for it is insecurity. There were times that I said some very mean things-not really because of him,but my own demons. We played this song and dance for a while until I realized that I really loved him and wanted to be with him. I cooled down my Leo temper some and tried not to bring up arguments or things that were damaging to our relationship from the past-a thing I am very good at. I fell in love with his son-and he and my daughter got along great. Our children got along good-and we talked of becoming a family. He would always give me money to help me out and to do nice things for myself-knowing that I didn't make alot of money and being a single mom makes those lil things for yourself hard to come by. Whenever, I had any extra cash, I would buy him and his son little gifts to let them know I cared about them. I took my daughter and his son on outings. We all would go to the park and play-as a family-we were happy. Then, the insecurities started to show their ugly heads again. He was going to be getting a nice settlement from a car wreck he was in a couple of years ago. He wasn't living in the poor house-he had a good job already,but I know what money does to people. He had told me that he would pay off my SUV,help his mom buy a house, and work towards getting a house together while trying to invest into a business of his own-an ideal plan. But then, I felt that his son's mother would start to rear her head again-being the money hungry woman that she is,plus, as I said before money changes people-and he didn't have a lot growing up. He assured me that he didn't look at it that way,but more as a blessing. Well, a little while later, I told him that sometimes,some things didn't feel quite right with us, despite the love that we seem to have for each other. He told me that it seemed as if I was not happy with him and that I had a problem with everything he did. Eventually, he asked me could he have some "time to clear his head." I said yes, thinking that it would be good for both of us. Well, during that "time" (which was about a week), I decided that I loved this man with all my heart and wanted to work towards building a stronger relationship-that I create alot of our problems in my own head because I didn't like the power he had over my heart. Well, when I called him, he had come to a totally different conclusion-he said that it wouldn't work because we "can't get along." I did something that I regret to this day-I cried and begged and pleaded with him to give me another chance. After I talked to him, I called my sister crying and told her what was going on. She understands me better than I understand myself sometimes and said that she would call and talk to him. Well, she did, and a few minutes later he called back and asked me if I would like to meet up and talk after I got off work. We did, and things seemed to get a little better,but he was much more distant. Come to find out-he had gotten his settlement,but he still made the promises I mentioned earlier,he just wanted a little time-which I understood-nobody wants to be used. I understood because I knew I had some work to do and some patience to get him to trust me with his feelings. Well, one Friday night, I received a phone call from a male friend while me and my then boyfriend were together. I normally don't answer calls of that nature around my bf,but the male friend had did something that totally pissed me off and I wanted to get it off my chest. Well, my bf took it as being disrespectful and said that if the situation would have been reversed, I would have went nuts. True indeed- so I apologized profusely and told him that there was no one for me but him, which was true,the dude was just a friend. Plus my emotions were running on high because it was Mother's Day weekend and my mother has been dead for three years, and it's hard for me. He said he forgave me, and we ended up spending the night together. He left for work, and didn't call or text me all dayu until he texted me a thank you for getting his mom a mother's day gift. We talked awhile later that night-me telling him how down I was feeling-him going out with his nephew. True enough, he is very close to his nephew who stays out of town,but me, I would have at least came over and spent a little while with him if I knew he was feeling down. But, I let that go. Mother's day comes and he texts me a happy mother's day around 12:00. I reply thank you and ask him if he was still going to the cemetery with me to put flowers on my mother's grave. He nervously told me that he didn't think that mother's day would be a good day for him to go out there AFTER he told me that he didn't mind the day before. I was a bit crushed, but I tried to be understanding. I asked him was he coming by later and he said "yeah". I asked him what time- "I don't know." I said okay and hung up. I went to visit my Mama and went to his house to wish his mother a happy's mother's day. When I pulled up,he didn't even speak to me. I went into the house talked to his mom for a while and then sat and tried to talk to him. He had nothing to say and when I asked him about it, his reply was "well, you're not talking." BS like that. I asked him what was wrong and was he happy with me and such-he would say nothing,but acted like he didn't want to be bothered the whole time. I finally left teed off because if he wanted to be over-THATS ALL HE HAD TO SAY-right? Then, I look at the situation again-here it is mother's day, his son who lives with him-is yes, with him. His mother is nowhere to be found-didn't even come and get her baby on mother's day, so I took that as his reasoning for being in a foul mood. He was supposed to come by my house later that night. He called,but I missed the call. So, I went to his house to talk to him,to get a hug, to get an ending if that's what he wanted. He was soooo sleepy-probably drunk-- with nothing to say me--and snappy when he DID say something. I sat for awhile thinking-WHY AM I HERE? This **** is not worth it. He told me bye and that he would talk to me later-asking if I was going home. Uh...its one in the morning? Well, didn't call him the following Monday, but sent a text asking if he was going to come by later that night or did he want some time alone-his reply "I was just going to chill tonight." I told him ok and that if anything is wrong with our situation or anything else, he can talk to me-I wasn't upset. No reply still and its been two weeks-NOTHING. That's why I'm so pissed off at myself. I spent months running away from this man,this thing they call love-he knew it-he spent months chasing it. Telling me how much he loved me. Asking me to trust him. Asking me to open up to him. Promising me that he would never hurt me. Talking of marriage. Hanging around my daughter when I told him that's a big NO-NO unless you are going to stick around. Allowing me into his son's life. Away from him, I see how selfish he was-how he was still broken and beaten over the pain his cheating ex caused him. I trusted him with my heart and he has done what the others that I exposed my soul too have done-played with it and put it in their back pocket. Does he think having a couple of thousand dollars in the bank makes him rich and give him the right to treat people like **** all of a sudden? Don't know, but I will never be vulnerable again-I will go back to the device that has worked best for me for so long-lust,not love.
WantanS4 Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Huh.. women..... essential to love.. but make it ohh soo complicated. We tell them we love them.. they don't believe us... we beg them to not end it.. yet the go off and destroy it... when the dust settles.. they wish someone loved them.... Women....
ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by WantanS4 Huh.. women..... essential to love.. but make it ohh soo complicated. We tell them we love them.. they don't believe us... we beg them to not end it.. yet the go off and destroy it... when the dust settles.. they wish someone loved them.... Women.... I have nothing to add, but I do agree with this post. Women are confusing
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