Wife lazy and unwilling to change

[arkantos]

Hi, i am a 30 yr old who just got married 1 year ago. Now I have this really lazy wife who is 1 month pregnant. Quit her job almost immediately and refuses to go out to work in this high demanding society, and refuses to do the housework. Says it would affect the baby. I was stunned but gradually accepted that this was just going to be for 9 months. But last week she just told me she is going to stay at her parents place, as her working 60 year old mother would take care of her better, leaving me to live in our new home alone for 9 months. I really have no idea whats going on.

 

The wedding dinner, the house downpayment, renovations all were paid by me, as she is not a person who saves money. Not 1 cent. Even after all these i could still accept the fact that i would have to work a little harder so that we could have a better life. But her not doing anything? I thought marriage is a 50-50 partnership. And i can safely say now it is 99-1 on me. After quitting her job all she does is sleep all day or watch tv on the couch. Does not cook, does not make sure there is food when i return after a hard days work, when doing laundry she does her own clothes, and when i ask her for anything she would get into a real fit. This has led to countless quarrels with me being on the losing end, as she always just packs her stuffs and goes back to her mums place to stay, leaving me to take care of everything in our new home, including bills and housework, with me already on long hours on my so ever demanding job.

 

I am really at a lost. I have asked a few friends for advice and they all agreed my wife is too lazy and doesnt give a damn about anything, and that i should have seen it way before marriage. I agree it was bad judgement on marrying her, but in my country divorce means 50-50 on assets, which she did not even pay for this house. It cost me my entire savings on the wedding dinner and renovations alone, and had to take a loan from my dad for the house downpayment.

 

Any ideas on how to salvage anything out of this will be really helpful

[Popsicle]

Divorce NOW and buy her out before you accumulate more assets and life together and then will be stuck. Seriously don't be stupid and try to "work things out". Not a darn thing will change. Reign your ego/feelings in and be smart. Start over with a new (better) relationship now while you're still young.

[Mrs. John Adams]

wow....all these symptoms and only one month pregnant? sounds fishy to me.

 

Let her go live with mommy.......

[warshaw]

She totally baited you dude.

 

She's using you, that's all there is to it.

 

Don't expect her to ever do her part in the marriage.

 

You didn't mention the sex but I'll bet it went from good or even great to nonexistant.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have asked a few friends for advice and they all agreed my wife is too lazy and doesnt give a damn about anything, and that i should have seen it way before marriage. I agree it was bad judgement on marrying her, but in my country divorce means 50-50 on assets, which she did not even pay for this house. It cost me my entire savings on the wedding dinner and renovations alone, and had to take a loan from my dad for the house downpayment.

 

You don't say where you're posting from, is there some cultural norm for what your wife is doing? I spent a year in China and they have very different beliefs about pregnancy, labor and recovery.

 

Having said that, there's no easy (and cheap ) solution for having chosen poorly. It may come down to what it's worth to you to get out. In all this, I hope you'll keep the well-being of your child in mind and stay involved in his/her life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

How long were you dating before you got married?

 

Did you ever have any kind of discussion about what you wanted out of a marriage, how things would be in your marriage, things you liked or didn't like based on watching your parents marriage, etc.?

[stillafool]

I can't stand lazy people and your wife is ridiculous. Needless to say I would be waiting at the divorce attorneys office before he even go there. Divorce now or pay more later. Bad pick in a wife you should have seen this coming.

[Davey L]

She's pregnant. Don't ever abandon a pregnant women. As a man this is the number 1 reason you were put on this planet, don't fail at this most fundamental of things.

 

This should have been sorted before you got her pregnant. Now all you can do is put up with it for the next 9 months then try to sort it out afterwards.

[veryhappy]

Does she have morning sickness a significant part of the day? She's actually correct about not cleaning as cleaning products and everything in her environment have an impact on the baby, absolutely crucial in the first trimester but it works for the entire pregnancy.

 

I would encourage you not to stress her because it stresses the baby. Have the baby and reevalueate in a few years. It sounds like your problem existed before she got pregnant, so why should the baby pay for it now? She might also change with motherhood.

 

One thing to address how though is this running to mom. It's fine to stay with her as long as you both agree on the period of time, or she plans the visit in advance. The immaturity of running when she doesn't want to be around you needs to stop though.

Edited October 15, 2015 by cutedragon

[GunslingerRoland]

The natural instincts of a pregnant woman should be nesting... that should mean building a home with you for the baby. It sounds like she is suffering from depression or something.

 

Also are you sure she is pregnant... 1 month is pretty early in and you make it sound like she's been acting this way for weeks.

[sandylee1]

Did she cook and clean before pregnancy?

If she did, then maybe her pregnancy is taking it's toll on her.

 

It affects every woman differently, so whatever you do, don't compare her to other pregnant women you've known. Try and go to the next antenatal appointment with her and get more information on what is causing this sickness. It may be hypermesis gravidarum which usually improves after 3 months.

 

Quitting her job seems extreme really. That's telling you that you'll be the only one working for quite a while.

 

If you come home expecting meals/ a clean house / laundry and she's not feeling well, then I'm not suprised she's gone to her mother. You want her to cater for you, but she needs to be catered for herself. I actually went to stay with my mother for a while, but I had had the baby at this point. I didn't find my husband helpful, I had a baby to take care of and he was expecting me to cook and clean the place. I'd had enough and was getting really stressed out, so decided to go where I could be looked after, get help with the baby and get some rest. I think he appreciated me more when I returned.

 

You seem to have taken on a lot of the financial burden from the beginning and that should have been discussed in more detail. The baby will cost a lot and the financial pressure will cause a huge strain on the marriage. Unless you discuss and work as a team, there is little hope.

 

I'll say that just because you are earning the money, doesn't mean she should do ALL the housework and cooking. Any chance you can get a cleaner if the budget permits?

[Mrs. John Adams]

IF this lady is one month pregnant....it is likely she just missed her first period. While morning sickness and fatigue do certainly accompany pregnancy...it is unlikely she would be having these symptoms this early in the pregnancy.

 

There is certainly no reason to quit a job this early on....many working women work until it is almost time to deliver. In addition....how many working women have other children to care for?

 

Now you throw in the additional ...shes going to go live with her mom until the baby is born.....Who the hell does this? I don't know of ANYONE who went to live with mommy the entire pregnancy.

 

AND the op of this thread has not been back since he posted the original statement.

 

This whole scenario just does not add up to me.

[Stage5Clinger]

Don't forget a LOT of women fake pregnancy for all kinds of reasons. Based on her erratic behavior I wouldn't believe a word of any of it. Something else is going on here.

[Mrs. John Adams]

you could be right...either way....i am hesitant to buy this story as presented.

[arkantos]

Thank u for the replies. I am from singapore and i admit i might be pushy at times. Expecting her to fulfil her part as a wife. But i have been closing 1 eye, sometimes 2 whenever she does not do what she promises. She is a manicurist, and she quit immediately after getting pregnant with the reason being she does not want to sniff in the chemicals which might harm the baby. Zzz.

 

Anyway sex in a nutshell. Everytime it gives me the feeling she just does it for the sake of doing, and wants to get it over and done as quickly. Sometimes i would take a longer time and she would complain. We haven had any form of physical contact for a month now.

 

I know its a short time to judge a person, i know i have my flaws as well, but all i want to know, is it okay to be married to someone who would throw all burdens to u and expect u to fulfil while she sits there to enjoy the fruits of labour, but run back home once a small crisis appears?

[basil67]

Quitting her job as a manicurist immediately is sensible. Have you ever smelled the chemicals coming from those places? Those places are toxic.

 

What is your interpretation of her fulfilling her part as a wife?

 

How long did you spend dating her before you married her?

[lucy_in_disguise]

The chemicals at nail salons are extremely toxic. There are studies that show extremely elevated cancer risks for employees even in the US. I cant imagine there is better regulation of this industry in singapore. Quitting her job in this case was the right thing to do.

 

She is also right about cleaning chemicals. I cant comment on the financial inequality in your relationship, but at least it sounds like she has the baby's best interests at heart.

 

You would be a real dcki to initiate divorce proceedings at this point imo. I think you need to back off on your expectations and realize the most importsnt thing right now is your future childs wellbeing. You can determine if your wife is still too "lazy" for you after the child is born.

[OldRover]

Thank u for the replies. I am from singapore and i admit i might be pushy at times. Expecting her to fulfil her part as a wife. But i have been closing 1 eye, sometimes 2 whenever she does not do what she promises. She is a manicurist, and she quit immediately after getting pregnant with the reason being she does not want to sniff in the chemicals which might harm the baby. Zzz.

 

Anyway sex in a nutshell. Everytime it gives me the feeling she just does it for the sake of doing, and wants to get it over and done as quickly. Sometimes i would take a longer time and she would complain. We haven had any form of physical contact for a month now.

 

I know its a short time to judge a person, i know i have my flaws as well, but all i want to know, is it okay to be married to someone who would throw all burdens to u and expect u to fulfil while she sits there to enjoy the fruits of labour, but run back home once a small crisis appears?

 

arkantos,

 

There's probably more to the story than you present. Surly, you knew her reasonable well, before marriage?

 

The protection of the baby is important, so getting out of the salon and staying away from cleaning chemicals is appropriate. But there are some things she can do and should stay reasonably active with something, especially early on. She can still pet laundry and dishes away, tidy up the house, cook for you, shop, etc. She might be able to do something for the salon at home, schedule appointments or whatever, however probably unlikely.

 

Her going to mom is totally inappropriate (at least here in the US), but no reason not to have the mom support her and help out, and no reason she could visit there for a day or two, with you joining them at times. You and your wife need to be together during the pregnancy.

 

Now, you also need to work on the relationship. You need to come to an understanding of what is expected and acceptable for both of you... from living conditions, support and sex... and probably other things. Seems like you didn't know her very well from the start. You have your work cut out for you, best of luck.

[Spectre]

She's pregnant. Don't ever abandon a pregnant women. As a man this is the number 1 reason you were put on this planet, don't fail at this most fundamental of things.

 

This should have been sorted before you got her pregnant. Now all you can do is put up with it for the next 9 months then try to sort it out afterwards.

 

Just what the hell kind of logic is this?

[autumnnight]

While I can understand her concern over chemicals, it bothers me that she just unilaterally decided this and quit with nothing to help compensate for the loss of income. I mean, it wouldn't be dangerous for her to work in another environment, so why isn't she looking for another job? And to move in with her mother instead of work through things together? It sounds manipulative and immature.

[sandylee1]

Those chemicals are way too strong and not safe for her. They wear masks when their not pregnant in those salons as it is.

 

Her finding another job very much depends on her skills. What other work is she able to do.

 

As I said the extreme morning sickness occurs early on, but you need to attend the appointments with her so you know what's going on.

 

Unless she has a diagnosed pregnancy condition, then she should not be ill for the whole pregnancy. Her staying away for the entire pregnancy is not the right thing. If you were pressuring her and not being understanding while she was going through the sickness, which causes some women to be hospitalised, then this could have made her go to her mother.

 

It's not a mature way to deal with marital problems and you should try and go and talk to her. Get educated on her specific pregnancy related illness, so you can speak with the backing of knowledge.

 

lse is she

[Got it]

I feel like there is more to the story here. She is only four weeks pregnant and you are already at this tipping point? How long have you two known she was pregnant? How long have you had issues with your sex life? I mean are we talking a month and you aren't happy?

 

Have you tried to talk to her about meeting you halfway on these things. I agree, quitting that type of job is a good idea but something you two should have discussed.

 

Why would you have taken on so much debt to get married? Why did you spend so much? You can't blame her on this, you made those decisions. And if you knew the divorce laws, which you should have, prior to marrying you should have been more sensible in your decisions. You really have to own your responsibilities here as well.

 

I think you two need to do some talking before you decide to divorce. Tell her how much her leaving upsets you and how big a deal that it is. See if you can get her to see your side of things

 

If she is unwilling to discuss things with you, to meet you halfway, well then I don't see a successful marriage for your two.

[ShatteredLady]

My parents owned a Bording Kennels & Cattery & Hairdressing shops. It was in England so the laws are probably different but in the Catery his staff could not work as soon as they discovered that they were pregnant. He had to find other jobs that they could so or pay them to stay home. Litter trays & chemicals are soooo dangerous to pregnant woman. Same with hairdressers (this was a long while ago) but the 'leave' started later hat catery.

 

These days, when a woman is planning on/or first pregnant there is so much more information. I was reading books, magazines & searching the Internet. I was a very educated mother who ate perfectly, sort specialists to train me in physical therapy & yoga because I suffer from chronic pain AND stopped my using cleaning Zkev nail products. It's not 'crazy' it's modern, educated pregnancy.

 

To be honest I can't tell, when it comes to the baby, if she's being reasonable & understandable or if she's gone to an unreasonable extreme. Does she do some house work just not zealous or chemical cleaning? There are 'safe' cleaning products. Is she exhausted &/or suffering morning sickness?

 

I'm one of those weird ladies who knows she's pregnant within days. It's instinctive. My taste in food changes & my body just feels different. This is embarrassing to confess. I'm a very educated lady. Both times I was pregnant, for about the first 6 weeks I had this crazy feeling that I could do things that would make the baby 'fall out'!!! I know it's illogical, bordering on insane. It's hard to share but it's so true!! I couldn't have penetrative sex. My body completely tensed-up. I'd be walking down the road or trying to exercise & I'd get exhausted so fast & get the fear that I'd loose my baby.

 

Are you badgering & getting angry about things? If she's paranoid 'by the book' kind of mother she knows that stress or an unpleasant enviroment can be bad for the baby. Are you making her feel like this? Are you fighting? Is that why she's staying with her Mum?

 

Has she lost babies in the past? Has a very close relative or friend lost babies?

 

Some women's hormones start going loopy VERY fast.

 

I just can't be sure from this post if she's being VERY, very unreasonable or she's a paranoid, hormone crazy lady. Are you sure she's just 4 weeks or do you mean you did the pregnancy tesy 4 weeks ago? How long have you been trying for a baby?

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank u for the replies. I am from singapore and i admit i might be pushy at times. Expecting her to fulfil her part as a wife. But i have been closing 1 eye, sometimes 2 whenever she does not do what she promises. She is a manicurist, and she quit immediately after getting pregnant with the reason being she does not want to sniff in the chemicals which might harm the baby. Zzz.

 

One the surface, your story seemed concerning, but the more I read, the more I see lots of cracks in your hardline perspective.

 

First of all: I see ZERO concern for your coming child in your posting. ZERO. No question of "how will my wanting to separate etc. impact the baby?" "how can I work with my wife to deal with the baby?" "How is this coming child impacting my wife." ZERO.

 

What I do see concerns about is: "MY MONEY. MY HOUSE. MY ASSETS. AND MY WIFE SITS AROUND."

 

"MY FRIENDS SAY X ABOUT MY WIFE" Because, you know, it's not like you would present a biased view to your friends to garner support against your "evil pregnant lazy wife" would you.

 

Second of all: Manicurists have the HIGHEST RATES OF CANCER of any of the "female professions." Why? Toulene, Acetlylene, Benzene. How much Benzene does the WHO (World Health Organization) recommend ingesting as a safe maximum? ZERO. Your wife seems to care about your baby. Hmm.

 

Anyway sex in a nutshell. Everytime it gives me the feeling she just does it for the sake of doing, and wants to get it over and done as quickly. Sometimes i would take a longer time and she would complain. We haven had any form of physical contact for a month now.

 

I know its a short time to judge a person, i know i have my flaws as well, but all i want to know, is it okay to be married to someone who would throw all burdens to u and expect u to fulfil while she sits there to enjoy the fruits of labour, but run back home once a small crisis appears?

 

She said that she was moving home because her mother would help her better.

Given your priorities, it seems she falls somewhere between last and nowhere.

Real great start to a pregnancy. Why doesn't she want to sleep with you? Perhaps read all of your own judgments of her and how you talk about her to your friends and others. Maybe there's a clue there.

 

Have you tried asking and listening to her WITHOUT condemnation. Or is she just a constant failure as a wife to you?

 

It doesn't even sound like you have any respect for this person, much less any like for her. Yet she still gets the blame for not being around? Why stick around. To hear about how she doesn't clean YOUR house enough, or how she hasn't slept with you since she became an incubator for a child that doesn't seem to make your priority list either?

 

Ridiculous.

 

And for anyone who says "oh she's only at one month. This is fishy."

 

I started showing my symptoms at THREE WEEKS. My husband ASKED ME to take the test because I was already starting morning sickness, exhaustion and mood swings galore. (Not prone to moodiness btw).

 

I am currently at 10 weeks and I am EXHAUSTED. Many other women I have talked to have mentioned the first trimester as being the most exhausting. I am sick EVERDAY. I haven't quit my job, but I have cut back significantly, from being sole breadwinner and home-maker. Plus I already have a child.

 

Most nights, I need a NAP when I get home now.

 

And the hormones, YIKES! My husband is actually SUPPORTIVE and some days I just feel like ripping him up. The only other time I have been irritated like this was with a medication I had a reaction to.

 

So here is your wife: exhausted, probably not feeling too sexy, quitting the job that risks her child's health and having to deal with a WHINING, UNSUPPORTIVE husband who is trying to push push push her to do more.

And is measuring all of that in dollars and cents with a child on the way that is a FOOTNOTE mention.

 

WHY ISN'T YOUR MARRIAGE WORKING? Wipe off the nearest mirror and have a look! Your answer is right there.

 

But hey, thanks for your story, I am going to go and give my husband a big thanks and a nice hug. You just made HIS night.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm one of those weird ladies who knows she's pregnant within days. It's instinctive. My taste in food changes & my body just feels different. This is embarrassing to confess. I'm a very educated lady. Both times I was pregnant, for about the first 6 weeks I had this crazy feeling that I could do things that would make the baby 'fall out'!!! I know it's illogical, bordering on insane. It's hard to share but it's so true!! I couldn't have penetrative sex. My body completely tensed-up. I'd be walking down the road or trying to exercise & I'd get exhausted so fast & get the fear that I'd loose my baby.

 

My mother knew right after one time with my Dad that he'd impregnated her (she's irregular, as am I). She said it pretty much right away, took the test within the next two weeks and was bang-on.

 

The first time I was pregnant, The sickness started within a few weeks and I thought it was stomach problems. I read this yahoo list of "you might be pregnant if....." and I literally laughed thinking " I have all of these symptoms and I am not pregnant. Silly online articles." I was.

 

I started presenting symptoms very early on in this pregnancy and husband actually asked me to take the test. Little things make big waves.

 

I was VERY scared right up until the dating ultrasound that it wouldn't have a heartbeat or something equally awful. Very careful about any sudden changes etc. But when I saw the thick wall surrounding baby on ultrasound, and how it just looked like a little dancing jellybean, I felt much better. Still in the first trimester, but baby seems to want to stick around and grow.

 

Are you badgering & getting angry about things? If she's paranoid 'by the book' kind of mother she knows that stress or an unpleasant enviroment can be bad for the baby. Are you making her feel like this? Are you fighting? Is that why she's staying with her Mum?

 

Has she lost babies in the past? Has a very close relative or friend lost babies?

 

Some women's hormones start going loopy VERY fast.

I just can't be sure from this post if she's being VERY, very unreasonable or she's a paranoid, hormone crazy lady. Are you sure she's just 4 weeks or do you mean you did the pregnancy tesy 4 weeks ago? How long have you been trying for a baby?