Jamesbrown1995 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) Hi. My girlfriend of 5 years left me almost 2 weeks ago now. We have been texting back and forward for most of that 2 weeks. We have arranged to meet up just before Christmas to get some Christmas shopping together and that is something that I have always done with her and would love to do it one last time with her. She agreed to it but said 'as long as you know for sure that we aren't getting back together'. And I totally accept that. we had such an amazing relationship together and the break up just happened out of the blue:(. Do you think that I should meet up with her for shopping again? The last 2-3 days we haven't text at all. I have been hanging with friends and they have taken my mind off of the break up a little. Every time when I get home at night I try to pretend that everything will be ok, and then I just start crying my eyes out!! I also work during the week and I can't get it out of my head when I'm at work:( I sit at a desk all day on a computer and just keep thinking things like, what have I done wrong? Has she got a new bf? And it's not nice at all!! Could anyone please help me out? It would be much appreciated!! Edited October 15, 2015 by Jamesbrown1995
OK_computer Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) Hi. My girlfriend of 5 years left me almost 2 weeks ago now. We have been texting back and forward for most of that 2 weeks. We have arranged to meet up just before Christmas to get some Christmas shopping together and that is something that I have always done with her and would love to do it one last time with her. She agreed to it but said 'as long as you know for sure that we aren't getting back together'. And I totally accept that. we had such an amazing relationship together and the break up just happened out of the blue:(. Do you think that I should meet up with her for shopping again? The last 2-3 days we haven't text at all. I have been hanging with friends and they have taken my mind off of the break up a little. Every time when I get home at night I try to pretend that everything will be ok, and then I just start crying my eyes out!! I also work during the week and I can't get it out of my head when I'm at work:( I sit at a desk all day on a computer and just keep thinking things like, what have I done wrong? Has she got a new bf? And it's not nice at all!! Could anyone please help me out? It would be much appreciated!! Hey I know 5 years is a long time, and it will take time (I cannot say nor you can you how long) for you to move on from this situation. I'm sure you feel confused, attached, alone, and all those other symptoms of a broken heart. But what is most important for you right now is to start healing, to actually start to realize, accept, and enjoy a life in which she will not be a part of anymore. I'm sure it feels overwhelming, and we've all been there, but you have to realize that it is over for good. What you need to do right now is focus on you, I know it sounds very cliche and perfunctory to say, but that is what's most important. Focus on bettering yourself, you're career, your health. 1. Go to the gym 2. Make a tasty meal, learn a new recipe 3. Reconnect with people who've been out of the loop eg friends, family 4. Pets work wonders 5. Join a club, volunteer service 6. Take a trip, a long drive with some good music and the sunroof down 7. Got to a Concert (I love uk bands like the smiths, radiohead etc.)-What a wonderful country for music Bascially, do anything and everything to take your focus off of her and the BU and point the focus on yourself. Build your confidence, build your self esteem, discover passion for a hobby you once used to enjoy as a kid. You're going to need to bang it into your head and memorize the #$@$ out of the fact that you are now focusing only on you and not her. NOW: She's made it very clear to you that she has not intentions of ever getting back with you, and you're prolonging your own healing by adding misery by continuing to be in touch with her. She's moved on, or she's basically on the verge of it, and you cannot get her back, not by the way you are handling things. The only option for you is NO CONTACT. Delete her from everything that you can keep in touch with and never look back. Do not crumble and let her back into your life. No contact and stay no contact. This year, you're going to have to do Christmas shopping on your own, or with someone else, but no her. There is no hope or future with her, no contact is for you. I suggest you read the no contact guide. Keep your head up, we've all been there. You just have to realize your own self worth and be the man you have to be, don't be clingy, need, desparate. Deal with the emotions in a healthy and practical way, and realize when you are feeling emotional and try to control them. The best way being the points I mentioned before assessing the situation. If you're in no contact, you will never know (for your own good), if shes moved on with a new bf, you're spared and further destruction of hopes. Remember it was YOUR choice to go NC, YOUR choice to move on from her, YOUR choice to live a healthy and happy stable life from now on. Go NC, and don't ever look back. See the NC guide on this forum page as well. Edited October 15, 2015 by OK_computer 2
Author Jamesbrown1995 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Thank you very much for the response. I will take everything that you have said on board and try my best to fulfill them! It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, I love her and still do so much:( She told me that she would love to feel the same way about me in years to come and get back together. And she told me about the Christmas shopping saying 'as long as you know we're not getting back together'. She is totally ****ing with my head! I am going to start the gym and I have started with a new football team so hopefully that helps me out a little. I don't think I am going to be over this BU for quite some time as she was my first love and it lasted 5 years. It is so hard to do things when she is not here! I am also worried about meeting another girl. I don't even know how to approach any girl or talk to them! All of these things are going through my head right now. Right now I don't want another girl but when the time comes I don't know what to do:(
OK_computer Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 Thank you very much for the response. I will take everything that you have said on board and try my best to fulfill them! It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, I love her and still do so much:( She told me that she would love to feel the same way about me in years to come and get back together. And she told me about the Christmas shopping saying 'as long as you know we're not getting back together'. She is totally ****ing with my head! I am going to start the gym and I have started with a new football team so hopefully that helps me out a little. I don't think I am going to be over this BU for quite some time as she was my first love and it lasted 5 years. It is so hard to do things when she is not here! I am also worried about meeting another girl. I don't even know how to approach any girl or talk to them! All of these things are going through my head right now. Right now I don't want another girl but when the time comes I don't know what to do:( I know it feels like the end of the world, that it's caved in-- baby steps. Take every day as it comes, and observe your emotions, and slowly, very slowly everything will fall in to place. Your senses, your perspective, your life will unfold and unravel in such a wonderful way, but as long as you let it. -- maintain NC. I've been in a similar situation, where I thought i would never be able to talk to another girl again, i wouldn't know the first thing. But it turns out, just being your own and WHOLE self (eg. stable and happily moved on), you will definitely attract the attention of someone--usually someone you would've never even thought of. Give it time, everything will heal. On the scale of history and humanity, let alone your life, this is such a trivial thing. Go out there and make greatness happen!
Author Jamesbrown1995 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 How long did it take you to get over your break up and how long were you with your partner? Should I spend a lot of time with my friends at the moment?
OK_computer Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 How long did it take you to get over your break up and how long were you with your partner? Should I spend a lot of time with my friends at the moment? My most recent was an on off relationship for 4 1/2 years and it took me 2 solid years to get over her, and out of which 1.5 years was NC. Basically the entire length of my Medical schooling. It didn't help I had to see her everyday, EVERYDAY. There are so many factors that come into play when dealing with healing and moving on, but what people fail to realize is they are their own worst enemy. Reasons such as: 1. Checking up on their social media every now and then stalls healing 2. Not being strong enough to maintain NC 3. Giving in the second she throws you a bread crumb 4. You proximity to her post BU, eg. frequencies of bumping into each other 5. mutual friends If you can cut down on all of these, healing should be 'uneventful' and no com lag. lol You should spend time with friends, make new friends, rekindle own friends. But you should also spend SOME time alone not dwelling, but learning what went wrong so it won't happen i the future with the next person you end up meeting, and believe me you will. You just don't know it yet, consider all the advice you get as going to a truthful fortune teller, or a tarot card person lol. My favorite Emily Dickinson line is: "This world is not conclusion, a species stands beyond." Though it refers to death, you can relate it loss as well. Loss is a type of death, maybe not a biological death, but an emotional death, in other words for all intents and purposes your ex might as well be 'dead.' Don't go into depression, but take the time to bereave, and then when the time comes, accept and move on. Don't tangle any more webs of your emotions, be strong and put your nose to the grindstone. Implement NC ASAP, and dear friend, never ever look back. 2
Author Jamesbrown1995 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I will try my best to stick to the 5 points that you have stated above. There was absolutely nothing that went wrong in our relationship, well what I know of. We had such a strong friendship and relationship together. We didn't see each other every day. We seen each other 2-3 times a week. That's what I don't get. I want to know why she has left. That's the only thing I want to know. But she doesn't give me an answer. I know you told me to maintain NC, and I will absolutely try my hardest! But I really really want to go Christmas shopping with her, it is just something that we have always done together. After shopping I will go to strict NC! I know I shouldn't go shopping, and I am listening to every word you are telling me and I appreciate it so much, but I really want to meet up with her one last time and do something that we have always done together. Also her grandpa passed away earlier this year and she was really close to him and this is her first Christmas without him and I feel that I need to be there for her!
Toodaloo Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I am also worried about meeting another girl. I don't even know how to approach any girl or talk to them! All of these things are going through my head right now. Right now I don't want another girl but when the time comes I don't know what to do:( Don't worry about that. There is a dating section on here to to help you through all of that! For now just get yourself back together so when you do the lucky lady has all of you and not just the scraps... Don't go Christmas shopping with her. I know you used to love it and enjoyed it but trust me. Life has moved on now. You will not enjoy it this "one last time". Go on your own or with someone else. Do not go with her. 2
Toodaloo Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 How long did it take you to get over your break up and how long were you with your partner? Should I spend a lot of time with my friends at the moment? I was with my ex for around 7-8 years. Took me a year to really get over it. Its taken several months to get my head round dating again and meeting the right sort of people. Don't put time scales on it. Just do what you have to do to make your heart heal properly. 2
Author Jamesbrown1995 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I just feel like if I don't can't act her or show her that I care then she will think I didn't care about the relationship or I didn't love her:( But now obviously she doesn't care and I need to realise that it's finished and we won't get back together
Toodaloo Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 She may care but she doesn't want to be with you. Why should it matter right now if you do or do not care? Its not going to change the outcome of this situation. Your far better off licking your wounds, getting yourself sorted out and getting back out there. Think Rocky Balboa. Just as he thought he was going to go down he dug deep and found that something extra. He didn't waste time fretting about the crowd or what anyone else thought he just got on with it. Thats what you have to do. So come on champ. Up you get. Dust yourself off and put yourself back together. It may feel like the world is ending but what is really happening is that a door to a whole new era is opening all you have to do is be brave and step through it.
Author Jamesbrown1995 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 That is one of the most helpful posts I have read! Thank you very much!!
oldshirt Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I just feel like if I don't can't act her or show her that I care then she will think I didn't care about the relationship or I didn't love her:( But now obviously she doesn't care and I need to realise that it's finished and we won't get back together That would be the worst reason to keep prolonging your heartache. She knows you care and she knows you were invested in the relationship. She has chosen to end the relationship anyway. I don't know if anyone has mentioned "The 180" yet. If you are not familiar with 'The 180' look it up and put it into action today. Don't tell her about it, just do it. A lot of people erroneously think that 'The 180' is a program to get some body back. It is not. It is the most efficient way of getting over a lost relationship and a the most efficient means of getting over them and moving on with your own life without being manipulated by the other person and without getting yur wounds reopened again and again which is what you are doing now. Every time you contact her or take her calls, you are tearing the scab off of the wound and delaying the healing and making it create a big, open, festering wound that will result in a nasty scar.
Author Jamesbrown1995 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I am trying my best with the NC and 180. I haven't contacted her in 3 days now. I know it's not long, but it is a long time when you have been used to talking to her every single day for 5 years! It is so hard to just let such an amazing relationship go, especially after it just happening out of the blue, when everything was perfect!! I am doing my best to keep NC.
frigginlost Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I am trying my best with the NC and 180. I haven't contacted her in 3 days now. I know it's not long, but it is a long time when you have been used to talking to her every single day for 5 years! It is so hard to just let such an amazing relationship go, especially after it just happening out of the blue, when everything was perfect!! I am doing my best to keep NC. Trust me buddy, you can do it. It's extremely hard, but you can do it. My ex wife walked out after nearly 20 years of marriage, and it happened out of the blue. If I got through that, you can get through yours. Keep it up! Don't go Christmas Shopping with her. :-)
Author Jamesbrown1995 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Thanks mate. I appreciate it! Wow 20 years? That must have been hard! Have you moved on now?
oldshirt Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 a few more other points in no particular order - - she is likely seeing another guy or is positioning herself to be on the market for another guy. Don't fight it. Just accept that and move on with your own life. - She may call you periodically to "check in" or to "catch up" etc etc. Do not fall for this. It does not mean that she wants to get back together or that she made a mistake in dumping you. It means that she is needing her ego stroked and looking for assurance that he still has you on a leash that she can yank if she needs to. She will try to keep you on the shelf as a safety net and back up plan. Do NOT fall for this. She had the option to be GF/BF with you and she chose to dump you for somebody else. You do not want to be her back up plan or her ego stroker. Adopt an "All-O-Nothing" mentality. someone is either in a full relationship with you or they are just another person on the street and you are a free man. All or nothing. she has chosen nothing so let her live with nothing while you move on. -Assume that she will never be back. But if she does turn up at your door in the middle of the night in the pouring rain with tears in her eyes and apologies flowing out her mouth, do NOT fall for it and do not roll out the redcarpet and immediately allow her back. She broke your heart, Screwed other guy(s) and had fun and excitement while you cried yourself to sleep. If you roll out the red carpet and kiss her feet thanking her for taking you back, you will have trained her to always keep you on a yo-yo string to throw you away and pull you back whenever she feels like it and as sure as the sun will rise and the sun will set, she will continue to do it again. - for some reason, all of us have deep inside of us a little voice that tells us that when a relationship ends that will never find love again and that we will live our lives alone and destitute and we will die alone in a one room shack being eaten by our cats. This is totally and completely false. It takes being in and losing a few relationships before you realize that life always goes on and that you will always find love again. yes, you will have some sad and lonely nights here and there but in time you will get out and enjoy life again and at some point you will meet someone else and feelings will develop again. - since this was your first love, you are judging your dating opportunities based on your dating market value from before this relationship. That is also erroneous and false. You are now older, more developed, more mature, gainfully employed, more experienced and have a much higher dating market value that you did when you started dating her. You may have been awkward and geeky back then, but you are a more mature and experienced and developed adult male now. You will have many more options and opportunities today than you did then. ....do not blow those options and opportunities by chasing after this windmill.
greenleaves54 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) James, this is a chance for you to get control back. You can get control back now OR you can choose to surrender all control to her. You should not go Christmas shopping with her. I know it's hard to think rationally right now. You will have to trust us on this. She does not need your kindness or your love right now. If you want her respect - what you tell her is something like this: "Look, it would be great to keep up our tradition of Christmas shopping one last time, but I need to move on and us being friends makes that harder to do. Good luck and bye!" That way you will not only get her respect, but most of all you will get your own self-respect back. You make the decisions in your own life. You are in control. She made her decision - she's out. Now its only about you, you, you! Say goodbye to her for good. Talking with her and even planning meetings in the future is the worst thing you can do for yourself. Show her she isn't your whole world (even if it feels that way right now). Show her you got other stuff to occupy yourself with. Things that are more important than chatting with someone who left you. NC is hard in the beginning, but so are most things that are rewarding in the end. Good luck! Edited October 15, 2015 by greenleaves54
quattrob Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 Thank you very much for the response. I will take everything that you have said on board and try my best to fulfill them! It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, I love her and still do so much:( She told me that she would love to feel the same way about me in years to come and get back together. And she told me about the Christmas shopping saying 'as long as you know we're not getting back together'. She is totally ****ing with my head! I am going to start the gym and I have started with a new football team so hopefully that helps me out a little. I don't think I am going to be over this BU for quite some time as she was my first love and it lasted 5 years. It is so hard to do things when she is not here! I am also worried about meeting another girl. I don't even know how to approach any girl or talk to them! All of these things are going through my head right now. Right now I don't want another girl but when the time comes I don't know what to do:( Dude chill out, one step at a time. You do not need and shouldn't date until you're ready and feel comfortable to. Right now, don't even think about other girls, they will come when you're ready. Remember you have control over your life and decisions. So first thing now is do what's best for yourself. Going NC helps you achieve that. So take that step first and then once you've done that for awhile, you can start to think about the next step. No point thinking more than you need to until you get closer to each step.
Author Jamesbrown1995 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 I actually appreciate all of the help so much! I am taking absolutely everything you guys are saying on board. I am really struggling to cope with not being with her right now. I am not sleeping at night and not eating correctly! I have been hanging with friends to try and keep my mind off of her but when I get home at night I just keep thinking:( the thing I am most worried/annoyed about is thinking of her being with another boy.
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