ldridge12 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) Most of the situations on the board show a dumpee suddenly going no contact on someone who dumps them. I'll take you through my relationship to give you a little more context. We were together for close to 3 years and on the road to marriage and all that stuff. Both in our 30's. We didn't live together yet but were looking to move in together. She would stay over all the time. She's 36 and I'm 33. No kids on both sides or prior marriages. She wants kids Over the last few months, I've been going through some serious family illnesses that have hit some important women in my life. Throughout the summer, which she has off, I felt like she wasn't around much and was spending the majority of her time with her friends. When I mentioned it to her, she acknowledged it and things went back to hanging with the friends a week later. I was increasingly getting frustrated because each time I would see her it felt like her friends were always around. I became a homebody and felt like the only way to see her alone was to stay home. And I relayed that. Whatever, one day we got into a huge cursing out argument because I was holding all these emotions in and hoping she would change. I then suddenly broke up with her. I said "I'm done with this ****." A day later, i came back running and she wasn't having it. She went on to say that she felt I didn't give her enough affection [PDA] and that she felt I was always trying to change her by telling her to see my family more often and control her drinking when we went out sometimes [she would get belligerent]... For the next month she basically removed herself from me but would text me here and there and update me on her career and crap. I would talk to her hoping that the direction she was moving in wasn't a breakup one. Close to three weeks after that day i begged myself back she told me "she needed space." When I said ok well leave me alone I don't want to hear from you and I'm going no contact, she said that hurts too much and basically can we be friends. That lasted for two weeks and a half and me like an idiot decided to break no contact and ask her to talk again. I heard from a friend of hers that shes telling people we are over when she told me she needed a break. I ask her to meet up with me, she replies to me asking to give her a date early next week and I did through email and I didn't hear from her for a whole week and a half. I see her in my neighborhood randomly 12 days after the email and tell her that what she did was messed up by telling me she was open to sitting down and then suddenly disappearing. She disappeared on me after telling me that she was open to sitting down. I ask her close to 20x face to face in front of me that to stop stringing me along and if she's done to just tell me. All i get is tears and no response. She barely spoke for the 30 mins that i was in front of her on the street. Wouldn't say its over at all. 2 days later i basically get a novel of an email telling me what shes been holding in for years, how shes not happy because she thinks I tried to change her, that I'm not affectionate enough, etc. She then says and I quote "I know this email could illicit a million responses from you but I dont want to hear any. I can be your friend down the line but I want to be alone for now. Thanks for all the beautiful moments." So, technically, she went no contact on me. It's been 3.5 weeks in and i had my best friend return her stuff and I didn't even text her on her birthday. I'm sad but I'm getting strong. Continue the course right? Do you think she's hurting? Do you think she meant that at first and has been shocked that I haven't responded nor fought to get her back like I did during that weird period? Any feedback would be appreciated. Be as blunt as possible. Edited October 15, 2015 by ldridge12
LostOnes05 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 Bro, keep up the NC. First of all, it was a red flag that she wasn't there for you during your time of need but made time for friends. She must have never had someone close to her get sick and/or die because it definitely takes a toll. I've learned that women hate to be told what to do, even if it's beneficial to them. Should she slow down on the drinking...sure (especially at 30). But until one of her besties writes her off for being belligerent she won't. I absolutely hate when someone says, "I've been holding this in since blah,blah,blah". That tells me either they can't communicate well or they are full of it and looking to justify their actions. Why stay in something if you were unhappy for YEARS?! You've got to move past the place of wondering what she is thinking. For one, her thoughts don't matter at this point. When/if she contacts you then give her thoughts some consideration. Otherwise, live your life the best you can. Take care of your family, hang out with friends, and hit the gym. I struggle with this sometimes too, but when you're living your life, you don't have time to wonder about people who aren't in it. Best of luck bro! 1
Author ldridge12 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) Thanks a lot bro. Yeah, i was no angel but I was always there for her family and stuff and her older parents when they needed someone to be there during multiple surgeries. I just felt so abandoned when I needed the time while dealing with a cancer diagnosis of two important women in my life. I made the mistake of being angry and breaking up even if i took it back but I guess it came from somewhere. I guess my ego is hurt because shes walking around probably showing texts of me cursing her out and she's controlling the narrative because "I" was the one chasing her down to get her back. But I guess as you said I have to keep moving forward. It's just tough after all that time and being so close to marriage. I truly believe she made an error but maybe her mistake is my gain. You live and you learn. Edited October 15, 2015 by ldridge12
bluefeather Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 It just seems like you dumped her and she doesn't really want you anymore. 1
Author ldridge12 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) That's a fair statement and a few people have said that to me. But as it took her almost a month and a half to make up her mind after going back and forth, it just felt the other way around. Edited October 15, 2015 by ldridge12
LostOnes05 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 My first relationship was 5 years and the girl (emphasis on girl) did the same to me. I was really going through some tough times. Had like 4 deaths in my family within a matter of 3 years and my father was dying. I'm fairly certain I was depressed at that point. But what did my ex do? Go out drinking and only called during the week when she needed my help. Now when she broke up with me (she was cheating as well apparently), I was devastated. Nothing was going right. The woman I was ready to propose to at the end of the year turned out to be nothing more than a sophomoric individual, who didn't care about me or what I was going through. Funny thing is when she would cry about things in her life, I'd always and I mean always be there for her. So I definitely understand how you feel with the family stuff and being abandoned. It's a tough pill to swallow. You're gonna take your bumps and bruises, just like I did, but you'll come out stronger in the end...trust me. The mantra I live by in regards to REALationships (and yes, I spelled it that way for a reason) is "If you didn't cry with me through the bad times, don't think you'll celebrate with me in the good times". And the reason I spelled relationships that way is because people have an idealized view of what they should be. Instead, they forget that Real life is a part of any relationship. Things aren't always sunny...just like they aren't always gloomy (at least they shouldn't be). When you're in relationships such as these, you've got to put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand what they are going through. And sometimes, the only action needed is to just listen and gain perspective. She wasn't able to or rather didn't do this. And that brings me to my next point about relationships in general. All relationships are work, whether they are familial, platonic, or romantic. I've seen people jump in and out of relationships because they've been with someone for a while and get the itch to "see what else is out there". Understand that I DO NOT advocate maintaining a relationship when cheating, verbal and/or physical abuse is present. What I'm saying is that a true partner doesn't leave when times get a bit uncertain. That's the time to communicate and figure out a solution, even if that solution is separation. There are many people in relationships that continue to think under the "ME" guise, rather than "WE". That along with communication issues are the downfall of many relationships. 1
Author ldridge12 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I totally agree with you bro and thank you. I'm not saying she should stay if she's unhappy but the fact that in my toughest moments it always felt like she looked at it as another time burden on her instead of just what a partner does was really concerning. I would have never left her in such a state even if i was doubting things I would have waited for it to pass and then discuss our state. But, everyone is different. Do you think she will even reach out after all I've said about the situation? I should just continue avoiding the situation. My therapist told me if i see her just wave and walk on by and try to stay out of areas she's in because I may not be ready to see her if by accident.
mightycpa Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 That's a fair statement and a few people have said that to me. But as it took her almost a month and a half to make up her mind after going back and forth, it just felt the other way around.I don't think it took her that long to decide, frankly. I think it took that long because she's a coward and she didn't want to give you the unvarnished truth eye-to-eye. She was hoping you'd take her lukewarm hints and disappear. Hell, even at the end, she writes you an email to end a 3 year relationship headed towards marriage? Cowardly. That deserves a face-to-face goodbye, IMHO. 1
dumbass2 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 You are not even close to being ready to see her or have contact with her. It will go south real quick if it happened. You did break up with her and it appears that she was good with it. It just appears that it wasn't really working for the both of you. I wouldn't count on her getting in touch with you anytime soon. You both need a lot of time apart right now to think about things.
Author ldridge12 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Hey mighty, I agree. It did hurt and she avoided telling me when I saw her face to face and then got that novel of an email. It sucked she couldn't just tell me face to face. I always thought she didn't have the guts to do it so not shocked. As for dumbass2, you really don't expect her to contact me. Any thoughts on her from what you've read?
Author ldridge12 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 To think about what? I mean i know i have to become a better person for myself and move forward and learn from this but what does she need to think about? A mistake? What she did? Cause as far as i see and how she handled that email it read like a woman who felt she was wronged throughout so idk what she has to think about. I hope that rebound bounces off the rim really hard because once it gets cold and dark she'll remember what she lost.
bluefeather Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 That's a fair statement and a few people have said that to me. But as it took her almost a month and a half to make up her mind after going back and forth, it just felt the other way around. It doesn't matter what you feel in this case. The fact is that you actually did it.
Author ldridge12 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I don't think it took her that long to decide, frankly. I think it took that long because she's a coward and she didn't want to give you the unvarnished truth eye-to-eye. She was hoping you'd take her lukewarm hints and disappear. Hell, even at the end, she writes you an email to end a 3 year relationship headed towards marriage? Cowardly. That deserves a face-to-face goodbye, IMHO. Your right blue father and thats what a lot of my friends say. She just decided not to come back even if the period was long. I just don't appreciate her handling.
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