Gretel Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 A very special boyfriend I had for 3 years in my early 20's just passed away. I hadn't been in touch with him in almost 30 years and hadn't been able to find him on FB or anywhere for a long time. I finally found his FB page 5 days before he passed, and I watched the whole thing in horror on his various sibling's FB's. I am married with children and I wasn't planning on contacting him, just curious where he was and how he was, and T a time in my life whenI am looking back sometimes. We had enjoyed a very special time of our lives together, and even though we weren't able to stay together for the long haul, he was really the great love of my life until I met my husband. The day of his funeral I was on a business trip many miles away and when I went back to check his FB page I saw he had left me a sweet message on my birthday two years ago. I am so grateful I saw it and to know he was still thinking about me sometimes also. I am thankful for all of the love this person gave me and I wouldn't have changed a thing, good or bad. I think I am writing this here because even though I knew his family, I am a ghost from a different time in his life and there is no place for my grief, which at times has been overwhelming. I made a small comment on his obituary and donated to a charity in his name, but I think grief can't be explained or controlled away, it just hits you. Even for someone you haven't seen in a long time. 5
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience. An EX passed & I was devastated. As I said to my then brand new BF, now DH, it's not that I wanted him back but I really wish he was still alive. 1
Author Gretel Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 That is exactly how I feel. Sorry for your loss as well.
Author Gretel Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 (edited) Some things are just better left unsaid. Edited October 16, 2015 by Gretel
froz Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 What a sweet yet heartbreaking story. I guess you will cherish the good memories you had together and in time you can look back with fondness that you made an impact on his life and vice versa. People who make a special connection in our lives like the way you described stay in our hearts forever. 2
Author Gretel Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 Thanks for taking the time to read this and reply. It helps when other people understand.
Poppyolive Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 This hits me right in the feels. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 A very special boyfriend I had for 3 years in my early 20's just passed away. I hadn't been in touch with him in almost 30 years and hadn't been able to find him on FB or anywhere for a long time. I finally found his FB page 5 days before he passed, and I watched the whole thing in horror on his various sibling's FB's. I am married with children and I wasn't planning on contacting him, just curious where he was and how he was, and T a time in my life whenI am looking back sometimes. We had enjoyed a very special time of our lives together, and even though we weren't able to stay together for the long haul, he was really the great love of my life until I met my husband. The day of his funeral I was on a business trip many miles away and when I went back to check his FB page I saw he had left me a sweet message on my birthday two years ago. I am so grateful I saw it and to know he was still thinking about me sometimes also. I am thankful for all of the love this person gave me and I wouldn't have changed a thing, good or bad. I think I am writing this here because even though I knew his family, I am a ghost from a different time in his life and there is no place for my grief, which at times has been overwhelming. I made a small comment on his obituary and donated to a charity in his name, but I think grief can't be explained or controlled away, it just hits you. Even for someone you haven't seen in a long time. Wow. I can't even begin to imagine what this must feel like. Your post oozes of grief. Hugs. My grandmother passed away 5 days ago, and I was broken up with a day before that, and I can't even begin to imagine what I would feel like if my ex (whom I still love, despite his breakup with me a day before my grandmother died) were to pass away. Hugs. Hang in there. xxx 1
Author Gretel Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 It's Halloween and I'm struggling emotionally again. I am thinking of a party I went to with my boyfriend 31 years ago tonight. We both had on hysterical costumes but completely independent of each other. Kind of like how we were in life. When we got to this party my boyfriend disappeared to an upstairs room and never came down. A friend of his told me not to go look for him and I obeyed. Finally a friend drove me home alone. As I was getting ready for bed in my apartment I heard voices outside my window. My boyfriend was there with a friend and they were punching each other. I finally let him inside. His knuckles were bloody and his shoulder dislocated. He didn't want me to take him to the emergency room because he had no insurance and he'd been doing drugs, I didn't even know what. It should have been the end of us but I forgave him for abandoning me. So what I didn't say before is that this was a very painful enabling relationship for me. With a beautiful smart sweet young man who just couldn't get it together. I never understood why. Three years later I finally left him for someone else. That's what it took for me to get out of it. I didnt looked back for a very long time. And then when I did I was watching him die on FB.
makemineamac Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Sorry you're feeling the way you are tonight. Interesting you would recall that so vividly this close to his passing. Sounds like you made the right decision at the time. There are good memories mixed in there too, so hang on to those. Wishing you peace. 1
Author Gretel Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 Does anyone have any advice for me as to how and when I can finally get over this? It is now more than 3 months after my ex boyfriend's death. I am definitely holding myself together a lot better but I still think about him so much of the time. Every few weeks or so I find myself snooping on his FB again, even though he is dead. I inevitably end up feeling awful, because the person on those posts is so different from who I thought I knew and I have no right even looking at it all anyway. There is even one old photo he had posted( ironically taken by his most recent girlfriend who I guess he knew in high school) of himself slow dancing romantically with some girl in 1984, and I know it was taken 3 months into our relationship because he was wearing the brand new sweater I had just given him for Xmas. I feel like I didn't really know him, and I know I am lucky I eventually got away, yet my heart is still broken. It is all too much.
StBreton Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 OP...I think each person with whom we form a special bond and with whom we shared a lot of love and time...leaves an imprint on our heart...that never quite fades away...there's always that connection. Knowing this person is not out there anymore is a shock to your heart...the connection is somehow broken...not that you, as you said, would have gotten together with this person again...but it was still a special bond/connection that was "alive" that is now ...not. Seeing your thread come up today...I was a little taken aback and had to write of my experience. I, too, just found out an old bf/fiance passed away...though he passed suddenly (motorcycle accident) 2 years ago. We were together when I was 19-23...actually engaged for 2 of those years. I broke it off and moved back home after college...but also because I just didn't see us together long term. Divorcing this past year...I started thinking about my long term relationships and decided to look this guy up...we had such good times and he was really nice and good to me...we loved each other a lot and cried together during the breakup (the pre "ghosting" era). Instead of finding a FB page or other social media for him...I found his obituary...with a current pic...I was stunned and saddened like you... grieving like he was a person in my current life...when in fact we haven't seen or spoken to each other in 25 yrs. It's just so weird that I've found myself crying about this..I just couldn't believe he was gone...that his heart wasn't out there anymore .. a testament to the love we shared. The sad part...he never got married nor had children:( I began to wonder if I was the reason he chose not to go down that road after our breakup...he and I always talked about having kids...I eventually had 2. I wonder now... were my reasons for leaving really that important?...in light of everything? ...I think if I had stayed I'd not have been entirely fulfilled but I also feel that youthful exuberance and restlessness would have passed and we would have settled down to a really nice life...I gave up a lot. Maybe I'm romanticizing things...but I don't think I would be divorced if he and I had married. Maybe write a letter to this guy of yours...write of your love and the times you shared...and anything you wanted to tell him...if there is unfinished business. I have done that in my mind...and said "goodbye" to my guy...wondering if his spirit can hear me. Hugs 1
Chronotrgr Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I'm sorry for your loss, there's nothing wrong with how you feel, you should feel free to openly grieve as you need to, my mother was with my father at a very young age, he died 2 years a go and it hit her hard despite her having nothing to do with him for 25 years. I would cry for many of my exes if they passed away, the time I shared in their company was special, even if it hadn't worked out for the long haul, their part of my history and my history is what has made me who I am to this day. One of my exes from my teen years died quite a few years a go, even now I still think about it, it still causes me sadness, it's not like I still love her but it's hard not to look back and not appreciate the special times she gave me.
Author Gretel Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 (edited) Thanks to both of you for your thoughtful words. St Breton, it is eerie how similar your experience and feelings are to mine. I am sorry for your loss as well. I think your advice to write to him is good ... I have been writing letters and poems to him in my journal since the day I found him again. Haunting to think I had one day to make contact and thank him for all of his love but I didn't. On the other hand, I am married to a great guy, and my ex had a girlfriend when he died with whom it seems like he was very much in love. So I think any words on FB between us on that final full day of his consciousness would have been wrong. I do agree there is a change that takes place when someone in your heart dies. Whatever differences or opinions or thoughts I had about him seem insignificant in light of this great love I realized was still always there. We also had a breakup that had moments of incredible tenderness and pain, but no ghosting. We also had been quasi- engaged. I still have his Irish wedding band with our initials engraved on the inside and the word love. I left him for another guy who understood my career ambitions and could help me. Didn't realize at the time I was good enough to not need any extra help. Youth. Also wonder now if we could have made it. He was a terrible alcoholic and that did a lot of damage to our relationship and to his life when I knew him, and I fear may have caused his too early death, and I know I couldn't have changed that. Sounds like your ex died "unnecessarily" as well. Although I know my ex would have believed it was just his time. Maybe their spirits are out there seeing all of this. I'm sorry you had to go through a divorce and then seeing about your ex's death. That must have been very hard. I hope there is someone else out there who is meant for you and that you find him soon. Chronogrtr, I can completely understand how your mother felt about your dad. I think true love never really dies, even if we couldn't or didn't stay with the person for very good reasons. And their passing somehow makes our feeling more accessible to us, more understandable. Thanks again for both of your help. I so appreciate it all. Best to you both. Edited December 17, 2015 by Gretel
Author Gretel Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 It is Chritmas Eve and I'm back visiting my husband's family. Just so happens this is the town where my ex boyfriend and I met 31 years ago and where we spent most of the time in our relationship. I have been back here many times over the years and not even had a passing thought about him, but now that he is gone I feel haunted by memories of our relationship. I so wish I could reach back to who were and do certain things differently, especially the way I ended it. I was so young and inexperienced at having such a serious relationship, and as I became less happy over the years with him I didn't know how to talk to him about it. I didn't ever want to be the nagging type of girlfriend who tries to change the other person, and I don't think that ever really works anyway, so I let things drift along and I let him get away with more and more bad behavior. Finally I met another guy who was his polar opposite. Not at all as handsome, fun, kind, or loving, but this other guy had his act together and he also believed in me, and I got involved with him and that was the end for me and my guy. The very painful and for him very sudden ending. I left him and rarely looked back. It was actually a relief to be with someone who wasn't drunk every night, who had a college degree and a real job and a lot of motivation, and who didn't feel threatened by my success. So I am now haunted by thoughts of how it could have been different. I guess I could have refused to go out with him after he stood me up on our first date, which I now realize was because he blacked out from drinking and didn't even remember calling me the first time. But I didn't realize that back then and I gave him a second chance. There were many big signs of his alcoholism and addiction problems that first Fall but I always forgave him. I am not sorry for any of the time I shared with him. I loved him with all of my heart and I feel now more than ever my knowing him was a tremendous gift, but one that I could not sustain over a lifetime. I miss his presence and I feel terrible for his family and friends and the poor girlfriend he left behind. I wonder if any of them knew him the way I did. I hope they can find comfort this Christmas in the warmth of his memory.
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