There is Seemingly Nothing I Can Do To Make Me Feel Positive about Dating

[AdagioForStrings]

I've done everything people have told me - I've raised my self esteem to huge levels, I'm ferociously driven/hard working/successful when it comes to work (I'm somewhere in the top 0.001% of men my age in that category), I work out 6 days a week with the intensity of a demon in hell, I dress very sharp, I do all sorts of fun stuff with a great group of friends and I love my life... I still find dating to be impossible and can't seem to resist having a more and more bleak perspective on dating as time goes on. I'm 26 and I've never had a girlfriend.

 

 

I talk to women and it just absolutely does not go anywhere. I had a female client today who I was very nice to, was not desperate at all, was very laid back and friendly around - she bought my product rather easily but she showed zero signs whatsoever that she might potentially be interested in me romantically. I do what people tell me - I'm completely outcome independent, I let it come to me without any signs of desperation and there's just nothing there. I can not find a woman who wants anything to do with me who is halfway decent looking (I'm somewhere around a 7-7.5/10 in real life). My female co workers - we get along very well but again, zero signs of interest whatsoever. I'm seemingly destined to be alone forever.

 

 

I just don't get it guys, I try so hard to make myself a decent package - I'm an obsessive perfectionist about everything yet I absolutely just fail horribly in dating. I can't even get myself off the ground. What am I doing wrong? Are there certain men just predetermined to be alone forever? Why do I find dating to be so damn hard?

Edited October 15, 2015 by AdagioForStrings

[neowulf]

I just don't get it guys, I try so hard to make myself a decent package - I'm an obsessive perfectionist about everything yet I absolutely just fail horribly in dating. I can't even get myself off the ground.

 

Ok, just a couple of thoughts.

 

1. There's no magic formula for success in dating. Dating in a numbers game. No matter how good you look, how much money you have, how successful you are, you can't *make* someone find you attractive.

 

In other words, you can't do A + B + C and automatically get a date. It just doesn't work that way.

 

2. How many women a week do you ask out on dates?

[AdagioForStrings]

Ok, just a couple of thoughts.

 

1. There's no magic formula for success in dating. Dating in a numbers game. No matter how good you look, how much money you have, how successful you are, you can't *make* someone find you attractive.

 

In other words, you can't do A + B + C and automatically get a date. It just doesn't work that way.

 

I understand that but I don't expect every woman to like me, i'm okay with 1 in 10 liking me (whatever the number is)

 

 

2. How many women a week do you ask out on dates?

 

 

none

 

 

I can't remember the last time any decent looking female gave me even the slightest indication that they may be interested in me (in terms of body language and non verbal cues), I think it happened in 1975

 

 

I just can't imagine any woman liking me because it never happens.

Edited October 15, 2015 by AdagioForStrings

[neowulf]

I understand that but I don't expect every woman to like me, i'm okay with 1 in 10 liking me (whatever the number is)

 

none

 

I can't remember the last time any decent looking female gave me even the slightest indication that they may be interested in me (in terms of body language and non verbal cues), I think it happened in 1975

 

Ok, so when you say "decent looking female", could you describe the kinds of women you're attempting to attract?

 

On average, how many attractive women would you see a week, e.g. women that you'd enjoy meeting / taking out on dates?

 

If that number is larger than 0, then why aren't you approaching these women and getting their numbers?

 

I just can't imagine any woman liking me because it never happens

 

... And here is what I believe is the root cause of your singleness. Despite you believing you've developed a high degree of confidence.. that single statement tells me that under it all, you still don't believe any woman would want you.

[AdagioForStrings]

Ok, so when you say "decent looking female", could you describe the kinds of women you're attempting to attract?

 

I'm 26 years old

football linebacker/full back build - play in a football league, love bodybuilding and fitness

love fashion so I dress extremely trendy/fashionable with very good grooming

extremely successful/hard working/driven

intelligent/educated

both extroverted but have an introverted side

have a great and exciting lifestyle

 

I would like a woman as close to me as possible

 

 

On average, how many attractive women would you see a week, e.g. women that you'd enjoy meeting / taking out on dates?

 

295302850238630262062

 

 

If that number is larger than 0, then why aren't you approaching these women and getting their numbers?

 

 

none of them want anything to do with me

[AdagioForStrings]

 

... And here is what I believe is the root cause of your singleness. Despite you believing you've developed a high degree of confidence.. that single statement tells me that under it all, you still don't believe any woman would want you.

 

 

So how do you change this being a 26 year old single guy whose never had a girlfriend?

 

 

How do I change my mind that's been conditioning over and over and over again that I deserve to be alone forever?

 

 

How do I stop myself from believing that no girl ever wants to get hit on anywhere?

[neowulf]

So how do you change this being a 26 year old single guy whose never had a girlfriend?

 

 

How do I change my mind that's been conditioning over and over and over again that I deserve to be alone forever?

 

 

How do I stop myself from believing that no girl ever wants to get hit on anywhere?

 

Ok, I can suggest something that's helped me in the past. Takes a bit of commitment, but you might be surprised. It's called the 22x11 technique.

 

Firstly, set aside about 20 minutes a day for this exercise. You'll have to repeat it for about 2 weeks for starters, but often longer.

 

The process goes like this;

 

Open a text document, then type the following;

"I'm an attractive man, with loads to offer. Any girl would be lucky to date me"

 

Then, give yourself a few seconds, then type out what ever comes to mind. It could be "This is stupid" or "No response" or "I'm bored". Whatever. Just type it.

 

Then, type out the first line again. Repeat the same cycle 22 times.

Then, repeat the whole process once each day, for about 2 weeks.

 

During this process, you might find a bunch of really negative self talk starts to come up, e.g.

 

"I'm an attractive man, with loads to offer. Any girl would be lucky to date me"

 

No I'm not, if I were, I'd have had a girlfriend. I'm clearly a loser.

 

This is normal. Basically the mind believes what we tell it. The process helps bring up a lot of the self limiting belief that's holding you back, while replacing them with a more positive message.

 

I know it sounds a bit new age and hokey, but you'd be surprised how helpful it can be.

 

In other words, your belief about yourself is sabotaging you. Fix that, then the rest will take care of itself.

[losangelena]

I don't know why, but this all just sounds so familiar.

[jam.over.jelly]

I've done everything people have told me - I've raised my self esteem to huge levels, I'm ferociously driven/hard working/successful when it comes to work (I'm somewhere in the top 0.001% of men my age in that category), I work out 6 days a week with the intensity of a demon in hell, I dress very sharp, I do all sorts of fun stuff with a great group of friends and I love my life... I still find dating to be impossible and can't seem to resist having a more and more bleak perspective on dating as time goes on. I'm 26 and I've never had a girlfriend.

 

 

I talk to women and it just absolutely does not go anywhere. I had a female client today who I was very nice to, was not desperate at all, was very laid back and friendly around - she bought my product rather easily but she showed zero signs whatsoever that she might potentially be interested in me romantically. I do what people tell me - I'm completely outcome independent, I let it come to me without any signs of desperation and there's just nothing there. I can not find a woman who wants anything to do with me who is halfway decent looking (I'm somewhere around a 7-7.5/10 in real life). My female co workers - we get along very well but again, zero signs of interest whatsoever. I'm seemingly destined to be alone forever.

 

 

I just don't get it guys, I try so hard to make myself a decent package - I'm an obsessive perfectionist about everything yet I absolutely just fail horribly in dating. I can't even get myself off the ground. What am I doing wrong? Are there certain men just predetermined to be alone forever? Why do I find dating to be so damn hard?

 

You seem fine on the book. Question is, do you know how to flirt? Maybe you give off the "nice guy" vibe, as in women only see you on a friendly level. If you don't show them any interest how do you know they aren't interested?

[TheBathWater]

What am I doing wrong? Are there certain men just predetermined to be alone forever? Why do I find dating to be so damn hard?

 

You might not be doing anything necessarily 'wrong' at all. It is really hard to say without knowing you or being in your lived experience.

 

Some men (and some women) are destined to be alone forever, but again, it is not necessarily 'their fault'. Some of us are simply too awesome to play the games and sit through the bull**** necessary to get into a mediocre relationship. The grass is always greener from the other side, so they say.

 

Anyway, I don't mean to mitigate your point. Yeah, being alone sucks. Dating is ****ing hard, man! I don't have a solution for you. And if you're looking for a solution on LoveShack of all places, well...

[organizedchaos]

I don't know why, but this all just sounds so familiar.

 

It sure does...

[kilgore]

This feels like a scooby doo flashback

[joseb]

I don't know why, but this all just sounds so familiar.

 

Hmmmmmm

 

Why the multiple user names .......

[ZA Dater]

Deja vu.

 

Seriously though I do wish the opening poster all the luck imaginable.

[Revan32]

I don't know why, but this all just sounds so familiar.

 

Ahh you beat me to it!

 

Dude the reason you're not getting any girls is because you spend all your time complaining on the internet! I have you seen you post these exact same threads on at least 3 different web sites. If in all of the huge internet I still come across you this frequently, then I can't even imagine how many sites you actually post on.

[d0nnivain]

I'm going to go with you keep posting because you are desperately looking got answers.

 

 

You remind me of a buddy of mine. He too was the whole package -- good looking, well educated, good job, nice dressed, intelligent, kind etc. As we became better friends one night over drinks he opened up to me & lamented that no women ever find him attractive. I literally laughed in his face. Every time I went out with him women would be all over him & eye humping him from across the room. I stupidly thought he was a). picky and b). polite in that he wasn't giving them the time of day because he was out with me his friend. The reality was he completed missed every woman who was interested in him.

 

 

So I agreed to help him & be his wing woman. He still didn't believe me. My BF at the time got in on this too.

 

 

We all went to a bar. First it was my turn to pick out the women interested in my friend. He didn't believe me because I am a woman. Then my BF went through the same exercise.

 

 

Finally after we scanned the room, we asked my friend to pick the woman he most wanted to talk to so we all went over to her. They dated for several months. While dating her my friend met another woman who eventually became his wife. They have been married for 15 years.

 

 

So my analysis is you may be clueless & you need somebody to open your eyes.

[losangelena]

I'm going to go with you keep posting because you are desperately looking got answers.

 

 

You remind me of a buddy of mine. He too was the whole package -- good looking, well educated, good job, nice dressed, intelligent, kind etc. As we became better friends one night over drinks he opened up to me & lamented that no women ever find him attractive. I literally laughed in his face. Every time I went out with him women would be all over him & eye humping him from across the room. I stupidly thought he was a). picky and b). polite in that he wasn't giving them the time of day because he was out with me his friend. The reality was he completed missed every woman who was interested in him.

 

 

So I agreed to help him & be his wing woman. He still didn't believe me. My BF at the time got in on this too.

 

 

We all went to a bar. First it was my turn to pick out the women interested in my friend. He didn't believe me because I am a woman. Then my BF went through the same exercise.

 

 

Finally after we scanned the room, we asked my friend to pick the woman he most wanted to talk to so we all went over to her. They dated for several months. While dating her my friend met another woman who eventually became his wife. They have been married for 15 years.

 

 

So my analysis is you may be clueless & you need somebody to open your eyes.

 

INTERESTING

 

I have never thought about it this way before.

 

What a good idea.

[craw]

Where do you live Tiesto? (OP)

[AdagioForStrings]

I'm going to go with you keep posting because you are desperately looking got answers.

 

 

You remind me of a buddy of mine. He too was the whole package -- good looking, well educated, good job, nice dressed, intelligent, kind etc. As we became better friends one night over drinks he opened up to me & lamented that no women ever find him attractive. I literally laughed in his face. Every time I went out with him women would be all over him & eye humping him from across the room. I stupidly thought he was a). picky and b). polite in that he wasn't giving them the time of day because he was out with me his friend. The reality was he completed missed every woman who was interested in him.

 

 

So I agreed to help him & be his wing woman. He still didn't believe me. My BF at the time got in on this too.

 

 

We all went to a bar. First it was my turn to pick out the women interested in my friend. He didn't believe me because I am a woman. Then my BF went through the same exercise.

 

 

Finally after we scanned the room, we asked my friend to pick the woman he most wanted to talk to so we all went over to her. They dated for several months. While dating her my friend met another woman who eventually became his wife. They have been married for 15 years.

 

 

So my analysis is you may be clueless & you need somebody to open your eyes.

 

 

This is a great story and it is wonderful to think that may be true but it's very very very hard for me to believe it. I'm literally one of the best in the entire country in my sales industry so I'm very very good at reading body language and non verbal cues.

 

 

I think one of the biggest things that kill me is that I don't look white. I look like a cross between Greek/Spanish/Middle Eastern. I live in a very wealthy predominantly white area so women here want the All American guy. My roommate is no better looking than me and 6 inches shorter (he's 5'4') yet women everywhere throw themselves at him because he looks like Gi Joe in the face.

 

 

I can sit there and work out like a man possessed, have an impeccable health regimen, spend a 1000 bucks everytime I go out shopping but I can't change my wavy dark hair or olive complexion. I dunno.

[d0nnivain]

I'm literally one of the best in the entire country in my sales industry so I'm very very good at reading body language and non verbal cues..

 

 

Ah now I remember you. In your other thread I suggested you take the Dale Carnegie Class which could take your allegedly superior sales skills & apply them to your personal life. You insisted that wouldn't work. So your "problem" is most like your defeatist attitude & the chip you carry on your shoulder about your complexion / background. Some part if your frustration is seeping through & making you come across as angry & unapproachable.

[thecrucible]

I'm ferociously driven/hard working/successful when it comes to work (I'm somewhere in the top 0.001% of men my age in that category).

 

That's a fantastic quality to have. You sound great. But I do think dating is different. It can come across as really intense if you are treating it in the same way as your career.

 

I talk to women and it just absolutely does not go anywhere. I had a female client today who I was very nice to, was not desperate at all, was very laid back and friendly around - she bought my product rather easily but she showed zero signs whatsoever that she might potentially be interested in me romantically.

 

I think this is not your fault and maybe the context is just not great for flirting. I mean if I am going to buy something, I may think the guy is flirting with me just to get a sale. Anyway, you also don't know if she was already in a relationship or dating someone so it may have nothing to do with you. Have you tried meeting women through friends or in a group or social club? Sometimes that's great as you are getting to know someone with a mutual interest over a longer period where you have plenty of opportunities to impress and to build a bond between you.

 

I can not find a woman who wants anything to do with me who is halfway decent looking (I'm somewhere around a 7-7.5/10 in real life).

 

Then date someone who isn't as good looking. You can do this if you just want a girlfriend or someone to date. It will give you the experience. Not everything is about looks and you may not find what you are looking for but then you can politely end it and look for someone else.

 

My female co workers - we get along very well but again, zero signs of interest whatsoever.

 

A lot of people aren't interested in dating someone they work with, and for good reason. To me, my work life and dating life is separate. But you can become friends with people at work and it can lead you to meeting 'friends of friends'. Sometimes it's better just to aim for friendship with people and it has greater awards than going all in with the dating agenda.

 

I just don't get it guys, I try so hard to make myself a decent package - I'm an obsessive perfectionist about everything yet I absolutely just fail horribly in dating.

 

Because dating is not really about being the perfect package and the woman saying "yes that's for me". It's about how you bond and how you make her feel and build attraction. There are guys who were really perfect on paper but just haven't done it for me because they didn't have the smooth moves. haha

 

Why do I find dating to be so damn hard?

 

You're not the only one.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Ok, just a couple of thoughts.

 

1. There's no magic formula for success in dating. Dating in a numbers game. No matter how good you look, how much money you have, how successful you are, you can't *make* someone find you attractive.

 

In other words, you can't do A + B + C and automatically get a date. It just doesn't work that way.

 

2. How many women a week do you ask out on dates?

You mean "is" a numbers game

[SwordofFlame]

You say you have a "great" group of friends... Have you asked them for their opinion on why you're having such trouble? Can you trust them to give you an honest opinion? Why haven't they introduced you to potential dates? I don't know your situation but is your "great" group of friends really such a "great" group of friends? You come across as the guy that trys super hard in every aspect of life and doesn't really know how to just relax and have fun.

Edited October 15, 2015 by SwordofFlame

[AdagioForStrings]

Some part if your frustration is seeping through & making you come across as angry & unapproachable.

 

 

not even the slightest bit true. I'm a very nice guy and I've always had a very warm, friendly and easy going demeanor. I'm very frustrated about my nonexistent dating life but I don't allow that to affect how i behave around other people.

 

 

My comments about my ethnicity is a result of my friends who are no better looking than me, not even half as successful as I am, no more intelligent, no more caring or kind, no more masculine than I am yet who have very easy time dating because they look very white and I do not.

[Qboro90]

First off I'll tell you that at 26 years old you're right at the age where girls are going to start looking at the "successfull, driven, stable" guys that the previously would cast aside versus the "popular, jock, handsome player" because it's around this time where women want something serious and to settle down.

 

Now having said that... I think a mistake you are making is expecting attraction, results, etc around your workplace and career. The woman who was sold on your product likely was not even looking at you or thinking about attraction or romantic possibilities because she's in the middle of a business transaction.

 

While you have dating, attraction, women on your mind 24/7 because it's something you so desperately desire, you must understand that most people and most women especially separate that thought process around the work place and when conducting business. Your co workers are just that... Co workers. They're not potential girlfriends and a pool of opportunity. Granted it's possible to find someone that is at your job but I'd recomend against that because odds are it will not end happily and then you're stuck with an awkward situation.

 

If you go to happy hour after work on Fridays or work parties then you can interact more personally and intimately but as far as day to day goes. Forget expecting and progress or attraction from women, clients. If I went to a car dealership to buy a car and the saleswoman was gorgeous.... I'm not even considering her as a dating possibility because I'm too focused on what I'm there for .... To buy a car.... Also if I did try and pick her up, my mind would think that she's just appeasing me in order to close the deal. So that's something your female clients may be thinking despite how genuine you think you're being.