Tealkitty9 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 years and we have a daughter together. I enjoy the relationship most of the time and I know I want to be with him. But sometimes I think he's a little selfish. Is it him or me? When we started dating, he was working and I wasn't. He paid for movies and meals and we had fun. Then I got my job and he suddenly needed money for this or that and I started to pay for some dates too. I said ok that's fine, I like you. Then he lost his job. So I paid his rent and bills and everything, including walking around money. We used to joke I was his sugar momma. I was still okay with it, I loved him. (Were about 6-7 months in) I bought him gifts for holidays, etc. Xbox, games, tv, touch screen computer, etc. He has never bought me a gift. Not for my birthday, not for Christmas, not for Mother's Day......wait no.... He had his mom but me a stuffed bear for valentines. Does that count? He's got a job now and I commend him for sticking around for baby and being a great dad. He loves her dearly. He buys her diapers and wipes, etc. But we don't live with him anymore. Someone in the house (his- large Mexican family- 12+ ppl) started getting violent and we couldn't afford an apartment at the time so I went to my mothers house, like 3 miles away. He visits a lot and now that said violent person has moved out, we spend weekends there. My point is, he doesn't pay for our housing, food, etc. Just his. We've been talking about getting married. Or at least engaged. He says he wants to propose but can't afford a ring. I showed him some rings on amazon for under $100 and I told him I don't need diamonds or anything. I just want to be his wife. It's been about 8 months or so since then and every time I bring it up he says he wants to get a nice ring. Now this week, he says he really wants to get an xbox one. And that he's gonna get it soon. I have like 4 outfits, 1 pair of shoes, 1 purse. I don't get my hair or nails done, I don't ask for anything. I am the farthest thing from high maintenance. I still have maxed credit cards from indulging his every whim back in the day. I really crave reciprocation. Am I selfish? Or is he?
neowulf Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 years and we have a daughter together. I enjoy the relationship most of the time and I know I want to be with him. But sometimes I think he's a little selfish. Is it him or me? When we started dating, he was working and I wasn't. He paid for movies and meals and we had fun. Then I got my job and he suddenly needed money for this or that and I started to pay for some dates too. I said ok that's fine, I like you. Then he lost his job. So I paid his rent and bills and everything, including walking around money. We used to joke I was his sugar momma. I was still okay with it, I loved him. (Were about 6-7 months in) I bought him gifts for holidays, etc. Xbox, games, tv, touch screen computer, etc. He has never bought me a gift. Not for my birthday, not for Christmas, not for Mother's Day......wait no.... He had his mom but me a stuffed bear for valentines. Does that count? He's got a job now and I commend him for sticking around for baby and being a great dad. He loves her dearly. He buys her diapers and wipes, etc. But we don't live with him anymore. Someone in the house (his- large Mexican family- 12+ ppl) started getting violent and we couldn't afford an apartment at the time so I went to my mothers house, like 3 miles away. He visits a lot and now that said violent person has moved out, we spend weekends there. My point is, he doesn't pay for our housing, food, etc. Just his. We've been talking about getting married. Or at least engaged. He says he wants to propose but can't afford a ring. I showed him some rings on amazon for under $100 and I told him I don't need diamonds or anything. I just want to be his wife. It's been about 8 months or so since then and every time I bring it up he says he wants to get a nice ring. Now this week, he says he really wants to get an xbox one. And that he's gonna get it soon. I have like 4 outfits, 1 pair of shoes, 1 purse. I don't get my hair or nails done, I don't ask for anything. I am the farthest thing from high maintenance. I still have maxed credit cards from indulging his every whim back in the day. I really crave reciprocation. Am I selfish? Or is he? Ok, the short version. No, you are not being selfish. The real question you should be asking yourself is; Why do I value myself so little, that I would allow a man to treat me like a complete doormat. What *exactly* are you getting from this boyfriend of yours? How does he enhance your life? How is it working to build a home for you and your child together? I'm deeply sorry, but you are being used. He is acting like a spoilt child, not like the father of your child. If you want to be respected, demand respect and stop accepting his excuses. 3
Author Tealkitty9 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Ok, the short version. No, you are not being selfish. The real question you should be asking yourself is; Why do I value myself so little, that I would allow a man to treat me like a complete doormat. What *exactly* are you getting from this boyfriend of yours? How does he enhance your life? How is it working to build a home for you and your child together? I'm deeply sorry, but you are being used. He is acting like a spoilt child, not like the father of your child. If you want to be respected, demand respect and stop accepting his excuses. He's funny and sweet and we have good conversation. I like being around him. And he's a great dad. I had a really bad relationship before this. I was married (8 years together) so I suppose it could be that I see this as "better than that" idk
neowulf Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 He's funny and sweet and we have good conversation. I like being around him. And he's a great dad. I had a really bad relationship before this. I was married (8 years together) so I suppose it could be that I see this as "better than that" idk The Doormat Syndrome & Self Esteem The Doormat Syndrome & Self Esteem - Dr. Lynne Namka I'm sorry for the loss of your first marriage. It can do a number on your head and destroy your confidence. The thing is, no matter how "funny and sweet" he might be, he's not taking care of you. He's not stepping up and helping to provide for the family you're trying to build together. He's putting an XBoxOne head of any plans to buy you a ring. He's *not* really committed to you. Not really, in his heart of hearts. He knows he has you on a leash, that you'll accept whatever scraps he throws your way. In other words, he treats you this way, because you allow him too. We teach people how to treat us. If you want things to change, you need to push back. You need to make your needs clear, how you expect things to be. Maybe it'll scare him into changing. Unfortunately, a lot of men don't take the complaints of their partners seriously, until it all blows up in their face. In any case, you can't control his behaviour, only your own. If you want him to treat you better, you need to stop accepting being treated as less. 2
Author Tealkitty9 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 That link was actually very helpful. Thank you. I didn't mention before that my bf is bipolar. So his behavior is not uncommon for someone with such an illness. I suppose I rationalize it that I shouldn't leave him or get angry because it's something he can't help? Idk anymore....... I'm starting to feel confused about wether or not there are good times anymore. :/
neowulf Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 That link was actually very helpful. Thank you. I didn't mention before that my bf is bipolar. So his behavior is not uncommon for someone with such an illness. I suppose I rationalize it that I shouldn't leave him or get angry because it's something he can't help? Idk anymore....... I'm starting to feel confused about wether or not there are good times anymore. :/ You are not responsible for his illness. The management of his illness is on him, not you. The thing to remember is, it's not about "good times" or "bad times" It's about getting needs met. You are not getting your needs met. He is. That's why he has little incentive to change things up. He's happy with the status quo. You, on the other hand, are not. All healthy relationships are about communication and negotiation. The first step is accepting the reality of the situation and stop making excuses for his behaviour. The second is thinking clearly about how you want to change and how best to go about communicating it. I'm not saying you need to up and leave your boyfriend. But if you want things to improve, he needs to know that you're not happy.
Lois_Griffin Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 He's funny and sweet and we have good conversation. I like being around him. And he's a great dad. I'm going to assume you're awfully young. A 'great dad' actually makes sure his child is provided for BEFORE his selfish, immature ass goes out and buys himself some stupid xBox. And from what you've said, Father of the Year buys diapers and wipes. Big deal. Does he think his responsibility ENDS there? He obviously DOES because you're either living with his family or with your own instead of being in your own place. I guess Father of the Year has no problem letting others provide housing and support for the child HE brought into the world because that's the way it's BEEN since your daughter was born. Honestly, if that's the benchmark for a 'great father,' you have just about zero expectations in life. Don't be foolish enough to get pregnant again because he's already SHOWN you how irresponsible he is. That's a gene pool you don't want to swim in again. I didn't mention before that my bf is bipolar. So his behavior is not uncommon for someone with such an illness. I suppose I rationalize it that I shouldn't leave him or get angry because it's something he can't help? Was he diagnosed by a qualified medical professional, or does he just claim he's Bipolar because it gives him free license to act like a 17 year old and let you or his family support him? If it's a true diagnosis, I'd run so far and so fast you'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day. Quite honestly, about the last thing on this earth I'd be doing is thinking about marrying this guy. The last. He's shown you exactly how much he wants to marry you because you had to go ring shopping, find one that costs less than a nice dinner out, and his answer to that was that he's going to buy an xbox soon. Seriously, this guy is such an irresponsible child, why are you wasting your time on someone like this? Don't you see how you continually set the bar lower and lower and lower and lower for this guy? I'm going to be brutally honest with you. He's shown you what a loser he is. Why won't you believe him? 1
Maggie4 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I guess in a way you are selfish. Giving gifts feels good to the giver, and you indulged in the good feeling, even at the expense of messing up the balance in the relationship. Giving gifts is power for the giver, and you set yourself up in that role. You were kidding when you said you were his sugar momma, but there was truth in it. Now that he has a job, I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves you for a woman who needs him to take care of her.
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 You make bad financial decisions. You never should have maxed out your credit cards to buy your unemployed BF something as frivolous as an Xbox. Have you ever told him that it upsets you that he doesn't get you gifts? You need to talk to him. DH wasn't much of a gift giver when we met. I enjoy the extravagance & told him I expected him to get in the spirit of things. It's not only about the money. It's about the thoughts & the effort. For example, for Valentines day I would much rather have a $10 paper heart filled with milk chocolate then $100 bouquet of over priced flowers. 1
Recommended Posts