dumbass2 Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 If you go, she has to be the one to ask for you back. If she doesn't and you end up doing it, you will be in for a world of hurt. I think you're going to be hurt if you go anyway, but I understand if you do go. I just don't see her asking for you back at a party. I don't know, I could be wrong. Just do not ask for her back. Be prepared for things to not go your way and prepare yourself to not be emotional. Do not go and get intoxicated or do anything to impair your judgement. 1
Author johnbarnz Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 If you go, she has to be the one to ask for you back. If she doesn't and you end up doing it, you will be in for a world of hurt. I think you're going to be hurt if you go anyway, but I understand if you do go. I just don't see her asking for you back at a party. I don't know, I could be wrong. Just do not ask for her back. Be prepared for things to not go your way and prepare yourself to not be emotional. Do not go and get intoxicated or do anything to impair your judgement. Okay well i guess will see what happens... Thanks for the advice. All i know is if she doesnt this will be the last time i talk to her. Ill keep you guys updated
OK_computer Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 (edited) Okay so got another email today. Ex invited me to a halloween party at her house and would like to go, she said im invited if she i show up then i show up. What should i do? Drop it? Dont go or go? I still miss her but idk if i should go. Whats her intentions? If you show up then you show up? Does not sound very promising. I've never followed up a statement or question with words 'ex', 'invited', 'party,' with a yes in my life. But that's just me. You have to remember that as long as you are hurting, things will never go well for you in this relationship. Things with cycle. She won't be able to live up to your expectations if you patch things up, old fights and resentments from the past will creep up. As long as both of you are hurtings, things can never go back to the way they were. Things should be better than the ways things were before, but that can't happen in your current emotional state--at least not with the object of your hurt. If you constantly keep picking at a scab hoping it'll heal quicker, it'll leave a permanet pigmented scar that you can never get rid of. On the other hand, if you leave things alone and move on with your life, that scab will heal without a scar, and there's a chance things can go back to normal. Right now you need to be strict firm NC. This is becaue you're HURTING, and as long as you keep letting yourself hurt, you're never going to heal, and you'll NEVER get her back. You're being too weak. Change your email if you have to. You don't seem to want NC, nor are you making a strong enough effort. You're a MAN, not a boy, and it's time you be strong and go NC and never go back. Dont force the healing or the resolutoin, you're gonna get screwed 6 ways to Sunday. I assure you my friend, as long as you stay in contact, try to make amends, you're going fail utterly and destroy and chance of reconciliation the the process. Ever heard of a phyrric victory? This one's at the cost of you're dignity and self respect. You just need some space. Don't force that. If you are trying to get over her, don't go. But if you want her -- then go. She feels you disconnecting from her and it doesn't feel very good to her. With NC it's almost like YOU become the dumper. It's really up to you. I doubt she broke up with you for another guy. BUT, I also doubt that she would get back with you and STAY with you. Follow your heart, but take your head along with it. I love this, it's so true. If you go, she has to be the one to ask for you back. If she doesn't and you end up doing it, you will be in for a world of hurt. I think you're going to be hurt if you go anyway, but I understand if you do go. I just don't see her asking for you back at a party. I don't know, I could be wrong. Just do not ask for her back. Be prepared for things to not go your way and prepare yourself to not be emotional. Do not go and get intoxicated or do anything to impair your judgement. NO, he shouldn't even go in the first place. This is because as long as you're hurting, you can't show her what she's missing. It's digging a deeper hole. Edited October 24, 2015 by OK_computer addendum
Author johnbarnz Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 I went last night. As soon as i got there she ran out to me. Hugged me, and we talked a little and she asked me to be her bf again. i told her lets see how the night goes. We had a good time. Felt just like before. I spent the night and she laid with me. I left this morning and idk what to do. for some reason i still dont feel right.
Blanco Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I went last night. As soon as i got there she ran out to me. Hugged me, and we talked a little and she asked me to be her bf again. i told her lets see how the night goes. We had a good time. Felt just like before. I spent the night and she laid with me. I left this morning and idk what to do. for some reason i still dont feel right. I remember feeling like this when my first girlfriend and I got back together for the first time. With the benefit of nearly 10 years of hindsight, I can say those uneasy feelings for me stemmed from knowing that nothing had changed; that the factors that drove us apart to begin with were still there, and that, in a way, we had both chosen to take the path of least resistance by getting back together. Yes, we were back together, but nothing had changed. We had simply agreed to be ignorant by thinking that placing a band-aid over a gaping wound would be suitable.
dumbass2 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I went last night. As soon as i got there she ran out to me. Hugged me, and we talked a little and she asked me to be her bf again. i told her lets see how the night goes. We had a good time. Felt just like before. I spent the night and she laid with me. I left this morning and idk what to do. for some reason i still dont feel right. What happened to this that you posted just a little over a week ago? "She said she does miss me and love me but we still can't be together. She really just wants to see what others have to offer. I told her don't let me go. She said i don't want you to wait for me but don't let me go. Im not asking you to stop your life and not date but don't give up on us possibly having a future. You never know. I told her thats fine and she said i want to be friends. I told her no not yet, maybe down the road but as of right now i am still in love with you. She said she still has feelings for me but does not want to be with me at the moment its to soon."
Author johnbarnz Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 What happened to this that you posted just a little over a week ago? "She said she does miss me and love me but we still can't be together. She really just wants to see what others have to offer. I told her don't let me go. She said i don't want you to wait for me but don't let me go. Im not asking you to stop your life and not date but don't give up on us possibly having a future. You never know. I told her thats fine and she said i want to be friends. I told her no not yet, maybe down the road but as of right now i am still in love with you. She said she still has feelings for me but does not want to be with me at the moment its to soon." I have no idea. This is all messed up
Author johnbarnz Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 I remember feeling like this when my first girlfriend and I got back together for the first time. With the benefit of nearly 10 years of hindsight, I can say those uneasy feelings for me stemmed from knowing that nothing had changed; that the factors that drove us apart to begin with were still there, and that, in a way, we had both chosen to take the path of least resistance by getting back together. Yes, we were back together, but nothing had changed. We had simply agreed to be ignorant by thinking that placing a band-aid over a gaping wound would be suitable. Well that makes sense. Thanks for the insight. Its a very weird feeling
Simon Phoenix Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I have no idea. This is all messed up Which is why you need to stop interacting with her. You're making irrational, ridiculous decisions because you aren't in the proper emotional mindset. If you go back with this woman, you're basically signing up for the same flawed relationship that died. You need to leave her be, actually go No Contact for real and get your s--t together. Get your mind right first, then maybe you can tackle this with a clean, fresh, rational perspective instead of being all over the place like you are now.
OK_computer Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Well that makes sense. Thanks for the insight. Its a very weird feeling It's a weird feeling because your forcing it. You're forcing the healing. Haste is going to sabotage everything, my friend. You need space to gain perspective on what's important in your life, right now you're in tunnel vision. Right now you need to be alone, single, and living your life and experiencing all of this alone. You don't need her in your life right now. imo
Royals550 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 You answered your own question. You said it didn't feel right because you have self respect for yourself. Unfortunately she knows now you'll jump on any opportunity to hang out and possibly reunite. You're a smart guy, if it feels off its because it is off. You can't trust her with your feelings, she may dip again at a moments notice. Trust your gut, it's usually spot on. You should go NC, and move on man. The damage has been done. It's going to take a lot of time apart for her to mend that. Look out for you, it's not selfish... Trust me.
Author johnbarnz Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 You answered your own question. You said it didn't feel right because you have self respect for yourself. Unfortunately she knows now you'll jump on any opportunity to hang out and possibly reunite. You're a smart guy, if it feels off its because it is off. You can't trust her with your feelings, she may dip again at a moments notice. Trust your gut, it's usually spot on. You should go NC, and move on man. The damage has been done. It's going to take a lot of time apart for her to mend that. Look out for you, it's not selfish... Trust me. Its funny that you say that. Thats exactly what i have been thinking this entire time. It just doesnt feel right.... you pretty much hit it spot on, ill keep you guys updated. Thanks for the response!
Author johnbarnz Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Which is why you need to stop interacting with her. You're making irrational, ridiculous decisions because you aren't in the proper emotional mindset. If you go back with this woman, you're basically signing up for the same flawed relationship that died. You need to leave her be, actually go No Contact for real and get your s--t together. Get your mind right first, then maybe you can tackle this with a clean, fresh, rational perspective instead of being all over the place like you are now. Yeah i agree with you there. Im all over the place. i need time to gather myself, think logically and not emotionally.
frigginlost Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Which is why you need to stop interacting with her. You're making irrational, ridiculous decisions because you aren't in the proper emotional mindset. If you go back with this woman, you're basically signing up for the same flawed relationship that died. You need to leave her be, actually go No Contact for real and get your s--t together. Get your mind right first, then maybe you can tackle this with a clean, fresh, rational perspective instead of being all over the place like you are now. Simon knocked it out of the park with that statement. Recently I have hooked up with an ex. She is going above and beyond anything I have expected regarding her trying to win me back after walking out on me. In my case, it's been over a year since the original breakup. I know for a fact I went to work on myself, went out and had fun, and healed. But, I am still a little weary about what is happening. I am looking for signs in her that she has done some changing. So far, so good. I'm taking everything day by day... The point I'm trying to make, is that there has got to be time and distance apart before anything of substance can happen between you two. Your gut is speaking to you. Listen to it...
Royals550 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 FrigginLost isn't FrigginLost... He's FrigginNailed it! Right there! It takes a lot of time apart (at least a year) to be at the correct emotional state to make these decisions of the heart. We've all been in your position JohnBarnz, and your hearts telling you she may be the one for you. However, your brain and intuition is telling you otherwise. Listen to your gut here. If later down the road when you both have been removed from this (with strict NC) maybe you can give it another shot. I say go date, nothing serious, just meet other women and you'll appreciate what the world has to offer in that department. You may even realize how much this girl doesn't meet your needs. I know from my personal experience I met some downright wonderful women by just putting yourself out there for new experiences. You're young, enjoy life, you have so much time to find the one. Do me a favor, always respect yourself first...whenever a woman senses you may be weak with your boundaries her attraction will diminish for you. It's such a fine line, but you'll nail it one day and find that woman who will knock your socks off. For now, get lifting. Get running, eat clean. And push on like a stallion. 2
Royals550 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 One more thing. Don't ever let a breakup affect your confidence. Most of the time it's not even about you, it's them. If you know you tried your best at the relationship and it didn't work, that's all that's important. If you made some mistakes, just work on them in the next relationship. Take something from this experience, it's always a learning process. I recommend not looking for a rebound, that just usually ends up hurting more and hurting others. You're not quite ready for that, but meeting new people is always a great plan of action. You're going to have moments in the day where you may feel weak and want to reach out to her, that's normal...but don't. Each time you do you'll feel worse and you're heading in reverse. If you do, don't be hard on yourself, you're human...just start back over and push ahead!! 1
Author johnbarnz Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Thanks to everyone for you're advice because it has been really helpful, i haven't made my decision yet wether or not to get back into the relationship yet. She said she wants it to go back to how it used to be. I have no idea what to do. I want to go back but don't think i should....Like its been driving me insane. I want to make a decision so i can just be done with all of this already.
dumbass2 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Thanks to everyone for you're advice because it has been really helpful, i haven't made my decision yet wether or not to get back into the relationship yet. She said she wants it to go back to how it used to be. I have no idea what to do. I want to go back but don't think i should....Like its been driving me insane. I want to make a decision so i can just be done with all of this already. Like it used to be did not work. this tells you that she hasn't changed. She should be wanting to talk about what the issue were and how you both can work to repair those things. She should say that on her part she needs to work on this and this. You and here should be on the same page with going slow and NOT rushing back into how things used to be. I would stay away from this because it wont work the way it is progressing right now. 2
frigginlost Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Like it used to be did not work. this tells you that she hasn't changed. She should be wanting to talk about what the issue were and how you both can work to repair those things. She should say that on her part she needs to work on this and this. You and here should be on the same page with going slow and NOT rushing back into how things used to be. I would stay away from this because it wont work the way it is progressing right now. Perfectly stated!! Going back to the way it used to be is a shortcut to having it end the same way it did. Dumbass nailed it! She should be wanting to talk about the issues that killed the relationship and what steps you both could take to ensure they don't happen. Example: My ex and I during a recent heart to heart stated that the only way things with us would ever work was that we both realize that it is indeed a new relationship, and here are some of the things that we both need to do in order to not go down a previous path. We both then listed with each other our past communication issues and how we could improve them. We both admitted our faults and what we have done to improve ourselves. Never, ever, go back to "the way things used to be". That is a reflection of only the good times and does not touch on the things that tore the relationship apart. Listen to your gut...
Author johnbarnz Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Perfectly stated!! Going back to the way it used to be is a shortcut to having it end the same way it did. Dumbass nailed it! She should be wanting to talk about the issues that killed the relationship and what steps you both could take to ensure they don't happen. Example: My ex and I during a recent heart to heart stated that the only way things with us would ever work was that we both realize that it is indeed a new relationship, and here are some of the things that we both need to do in order to not go down a previous path. We both then listed with each other our past communication issues and how we could improve them. We both admitted our faults and what we have done to improve ourselves. Never, ever, go back to "the way things used to be". That is a reflection of only the good times and does not touch on the things that tore the relationship apart. Listen to your gut... Well thats a good point. we have started texting again, It seems good but its different thats for sure. She has told me the things that were wrong and why she broke up and stuff we need to fix. She is acting like nothing ever happened though. She said she wants me back but at the same time doesn't want to talk about anything. She's not showing me she really wants to be with me. I want to be with her but the way she's acting is making me not want to be with her.
Author johnbarnz Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Earlier i asked her if she trusts me and she said yes. and she asked if i can trust her and i said yes, i then texted her saying we can take it slow and ill give her sometime but she needs to start showing me she really wants to be with me because all i have done since is show her how i can change and how i feel now. If she really wants this to work she needs to be all in with me, or i don't want to go back and go through this all over again when i have finally started making progress. I said i won't bring this up again because now she knows where i stand. will see what she responds to that....
frigginlost Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Well thats a good point. we have started texting again, It seems good but its different thats for sure. She has told me the things that were wrong and why she broke up and stuff we need to fix. She is acting like nothing ever happened though. She said she wants me back but at the same time doesn't want to talk about anything. She's not showing me she really wants to be with me. I want to be with her but the way she's acting is making me not want to be with her. Re-read what you wrote there. She has told you why she broke up and stuff you need to fix, but she is acting like nothing happened. Add to that, that she is doing nothing to indicate that she wants to be with you, and all signals point to a red flag that borders on her doing nothing more than relieving guilt with you. Down deep I think you know this as your gut is the thing screaming that you don't want to be with her. At least not now. She's not where she needs to be with you (she may be confused, she may not really care, she may not know how to work it out). In any case, her actions are not running parallel with her words. Until they do (and you will know it if they ever do. There will be no question in your mind about it) you need to back away and live only for you right now. 1
Royals550 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Words are only words... Her not wanting to talk about it is a blaring red flag, basically she wants you to ignore the facts that make her feel guilt and shame. She thought the grass was greener, now she wants back to the pasture. Let this one go, if not there's a good chance you'll be back here in 3 months looking for answers. She sounds emotionally immature, but then again she's 20...it takes life experience to mature sometimes. We all mature at a different pace. I would date others so you can potentially meet someone who's ready to match your needs.
Author johnbarnz Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Im trying not to believe it but its true. Shes just not giving me the answers i need. I dont think she truly loves me, and i dont want to be with her if thats the case. I honestly feel like if i tell her i dont want to be with her then she would careless. She is just so different now.... She acts like she cares but i really don't feel it. Thank you guys for the advice because its pretty much confirming what im thinking. I just really do care for her and know i might have to let her go again
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