johnbarnz Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) Met up with ex gf of 4 years and how it went...... Well i wasn't sure if i still had the same feelings and if my ex truly was done. I still do have very strong feelings for her and i am more in love with her now then ever. I asked her if she wanted to meet up for coffee and she said yes. we met and hung out for a little over an hour. Everything was good, We both were having a good time. She said she was hungry so we got dinner. After dinner i knew that this was it. Last time i would see her....And then everything poured out. She said she does miss me and love me but we still can't be together. She really just wants to see what others have to offer. I told her don't let me go. She said i don't want you to wait for me but don't let me go. Im not asking you to stop your life and not date but don't give up on us possibly having a future. You never know. I told her thats fine and she said i want to be friends. I told her no not yet, maybe down the road but as of right now i am still in love with you. She said she still has feelings for me but does not want to be with me at the moment its to soon. She cried and i kissed her on the cheek. For some reason she wouldn't leave, i told her to leave so i can finally let go. She drove away and thats that. I officially am giving up. I love her so much but she has changed and honestly i don't want to be with who she is now, before this i would remember the old her now i don't think that way. Who i knew and loved is still in there somewhere but for right now she's different. She is confused about what she wants i think. As of right now i will make no attempt to contact her. I'm done because i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Some people might think meeting up is bad but for me i have closure. I won't regret or think that i didn't try hard enough because i did i gave it my all! I'm young and will find someone else but as of right now I'm not looking. I will keep everyone updated on progress. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life. I lost my love of 4 years and thats that. Hopefully the grass isn't greener on the other side, i will always love her and care for her but time will go on. Any comments would be appreciated! Edited October 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs ~T 5
Liono84 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I'm not going to lie, 4 years is a long time. I would say move on, but the longest I've been in a R/S was just under a year and a half, and that tore me to pieces at the time of the breakup, so for you, I can see how it may be more difficult. That being said, I definitely think you have to move on. I don't buy anyone who claims they truly love you, if they don't want to be with you. It's not rocket science, folks. It's complete bull**** and you'd be a fool to buy into that garbage. What she's trying to say is she loved you, but she is not in love with you. I find it very selfish of her to openly state that she wants to play the field, and see if there is someone better for her. It's a very bad sign. It also speaks volume of the type of person she is deep down. I think given what you stated, it's not all that unlikely that she may come back to you sometime in the near future, but if she does, don't take her back, because she'll likely always be playing the field, having another eye. 4
Author johnbarnz Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Yeah it sucks pretty bad! But now i know for sure it's time to move on! Thank you for your reply and the advice. I think were on the same page!
BattleBee Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 4 Years is definitely long. I know you are in pain right now, you are hurting. I've been there myself, and I know how much it sucks. However, what you have right now that many others take months to do, is your mentality. Your current way of thinking is one that I highly respect. It shows that you are already growing stronger than your previous self, and you will only become stronger in the future. See this breakup as a challenge. Embrace the pain. Work through this challenge, and it will be hard work. But in the end, I guarantee you that you will find meaning. If you can find meaning in not just that, but within every aspect of your life, you will be a much more satisfied individual. From this, you will experience happiness. Remember happiness is not something you obtain. Instead, it is an experience that can fill you up for a time period, and all other emotions are the same. You will feel sad for now, but it will pass. Be patient my friend. Work and continue to grow as a person. Become the BOSS of your own life. Your world does not revolve around her. So accept this challenge. You will find a better person to support you in your life. I look forward to your success. 3
Author johnbarnz Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Wow BattleBee your message was great! You pretty much said exactly what i needed to hear! I know i am in pain but from this day forward it will only get better. This will defiantly be a challenge but I'm ready for it. Appretiate the support and response! 2
NoLeafClover Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 Good for you man. You tried, met up and don't have regrets. You won't have to wonder feeling like you didn't try hard. Time to move on. It's going to be a bumpy ride but you sound like you are ready to take the roller coaster. I wish you luck and a quick recovery.
Author johnbarnz Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 yeah man did everything i could! Aprretiate the support and the reply!
Bo34 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 It's not going to be easy, my friend, but many of us have been there or are still are. Try to grow from this and become a better version of yourself. But this all starts with stopping all forms of contact with her. You may think it as not a big deal, but it is. Go NC and remove/block her from all social media for your own healing process. Otherwise, you will be torturing yourself anytime you see/hear news from her on social media sites. From what you briefly stated, I can already tell that she is a very emotional girl. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but usually with emotional girls, they will try to contact you post-breakup. Beware though, the reason why they do this is purely for their own selfish reasons. When they feel lonely or vulnerable, they need someone to boost them up, and because you are her ex and she's known you for so long, I can totally see her still remaining in contact with you. Unless, this girl is profoundly apologizing and begging for you back, do NOT reciprocate any contact with her!!! This will all be breadcrumbs and F with your emotions and bring upon false hope. You're going to go thru a wide range of emotions. Just try to accept that this is over and move on. Think of it like 2 steps forward, 1 step back, but just keep on trucking and try to make goals. I can tell you seem to have a strong will about yourself. Hopefully, you;ll end up finding better and this Bitch will think of it as the biggest regret of her life. Stay strong, buddy!
David87 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 She really just wants to see what others have to offer. I told her don't let me go. ^^ This gives her so much power over you..... 2
Bo34 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 She really just wants to see what others have to offer. I told her don't let me go. ^^ This gives her so much power over you..... I don't think that matters too much. Anytime a dumper initiates a breakup, no matter how well you handle the breakup as the dumpee, the dumper will always initially have more power over you. As long as you remain NC and move on, the leverage the dumper had slowly goes away. 3
Author johnbarnz Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 thanks for the response BO34! I think you hit it right on the nail! Thats exactly what she is doing! Ive just been to blinded to see what she really was trying to do. Im sure she will realize it and even if she doesn't it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing involving her matters anymore, Its just memories and i have a long road ahead of me. I know it will be tough but i will get through this now. Majority of my pain and suffering was because i still had hope and wanted her back. Im glad this meet up made me open my eyes and so have all of you posting on this! thanks!
Author johnbarnz Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Well David it was worth a shot! Having power over me or whatever was not important to me at the time. I put my pride and dignity on the line. That was her chance, sure she might have power now but from this day forward is when that changes. Like i said let her think what she wants right now. Theres to many sweet girls out there that would love to give what i gave to her for 4 years! Thanks for the response! all reply are great and exactly what i need! 1
David87 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I don't think that matters too much. Anytime a dumper initiates a breakup, no matter how well you handle the breakup as the dumpee, the dumper will always initially have more power over you. As long as you remain NC and move on, the leverage the dumper had slowly goes away. Thank you for the lecture, I didn't know that.
Author johnbarnz Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Im struggling here guys. Her mom texted me saying if i need anything to let her know. That we both loved each other and just need to get our stuff together first. That don't give up because i know she really loves you. I said thank you for everything you guys have done for me. I am feeling pretty horrible right now. Trying to stay strong but i feel like i want to just lay in a hole alone. I had such a good mind set before her mom sent me that msg. Trying to stay strong here.
BattleBee Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 John, my friend. Do not lose strength. You are doing amazing so far; you are already so much stronger than before. Are you afraid of the future? The question of 'what if?' If you are afraid to let her go, then I invite you to have courage. It is when you let go are you finally able to move forward. Do not remain stagnant. Yes she may love you, and her family loves you too. I have felt that same love, but is she truly in love with you? For me, it sounds like your ex does not have a stable heart; she cannot settle down. DO NOT FALL FOR THAT. I know its very painful for you right now, but I want you to be stronger than this. You are not weak. Make this a clean break, and bow out gracefully. Let this go, because another will come into your life. Let this season pass. She was only meant to be with you for this time of your life. Now a new chapter opens. Be free my friend. I am here to support you if you feel weak again. Grow stronger. 2
theredpill Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I'd agree with many posts on here, block her, get the grief out, cry in the house for a month if you have to, drive somewhere and scream your head off - then get out with a smile and start dating. Never ever give your power away like you did in that last conversation, she completely owns you and probably has little respect left after spilling your guts to her, hard to hear I know, but it's the truth no matter what anyone says. You should have asked her in your own words "are you in or out?" if she was out, your response should have been "okay thanks for the memories, I still love you, get in touch if you change your mind" then leave. When she tries to keep you in her life, tell her straight you're not leaving her life, it's her decision that you're leaving and if romance isn't an option, there's no reason to even talk to each other and the conversation ends here. She'd be thinking about you far more than she probably does now, women want strength, not weakness and I can tell there's probably another guy in the picture and currently she see's he's stronger emotionally, you can change this by becoming the best version of you. Go watch some Corey Wayne video's, I showed them to a few female friends and even they admitted that's what they want in a man, which is a man. You're the catch dude, always remember that and never, ever try to keep someone in your life that isn't making the effort. I know 4 years is a long time, know I was hurt after an 11 year relationship with my daughters mother, even though I didn't want to stay together it sucked like a motherfooka. Stay strong, keep your chin up, there's plenty of good advice here (I'm not always right, be objective) 2
Author johnbarnz Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 Thanks again, yeah I'm feeling pretty weak right now. She just kept me hanging on.... I don't have a choice. I have to stay strong. Thanks for being there, i really need it right now. Being a guy its hard to talk to people about this. Thanks for the response!
Author johnbarnz Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 Yeah I'm going to take a break and just focus on me, i need to change some things in my life right now. I know the only reason she's not with me is because she is seeing someone else. It sucks but i know in the future this will only make me stronger. The days are dragging and i feel like every day I'm taking one step forward then two back. Im just ready to move on. Its time to start regaining some power back!
Author johnbarnz Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 I have made the final step. She texted me wanting to show me something she did. I sent my final msg. "Please don't send me anything, i would rather leave it be and remember how you used to be. Please don't contact me unless its to reconcile. When you do realize how much you care for and if you do realize what i meant to you i will have a tough decision to make. Its time for me to move on just like you have and better my self. I never thought id see the day where you went by my side but i guess feelings change. No hard feelings! Thanks for putting up with all my **** and not wasting any more time. Good bye ." I deleted the message and instantly blocked her number 1
BattleBee Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I am so proud of you John. You have my utmost respect. That takes a lot of courage and strength to do so. Congratulations, you are now finally moving forward to a better version of yourself. All the best for the future, and I look forward to seeing you with someone who truly deserves you. You are an amazing person, do not forget that. 2
Author johnbarnz Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 I am so proud of you John. You have my utmost respect. That takes a lot of courage and strength to do so. Congratulations, you are now finally moving forward to a better version of yourself. All the best for the future, and I look forward to seeing you with someone who truly deserves you. You are an amazing person, do not forget that. Thanks bee, i hope i find someome too that does deserve me. I feeling horrible. I cant wait to grt through this. I have finally accepted for what it is. Theres no going back. I think thats why this is hitting me so hard right now... I have no hope for her and i being together. Thanks and ill keep updating!
Author johnbarnz Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 This is hard, I'm posting on here again and i probably will day after day till this passes. Im so Heartbroken it actually hurts. I feel worse now then i did after the breakup. Maybe because I've finally accepted its over, I don't know....
dumbass2 Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Yes, it hurts a ton once you accept it is over. You sent that message and that's it. Now you know there is nothing else to do. It is over and now you have no choice but to move on. You will get through this and it will take some more time.
Author johnbarnz Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 Yes, it hurts a ton once you accept it is over. You sent that message and that's it. Now you know there is nothing else to do. It is over and now you have no choice but to move on. You will get through this and it will take some more time. Yeah i know, thats exactly why. At this point I'm not hoping for her to return anymore. Im hoping that i can find real love and someone who deserves me and that i deserve. Thanks for the response, it keeps me going!
theredpill Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 It hurts don't it, even when you have a little self control... I'm from the swinging brick for a heart crowd but still get me right in the feels. You've done great though and this is the perfect way for both men and women to heal by providing the space to grow without the influence of the person who you think (wrongly I might add) hurt you. The reality of the situation is as you no doubt already know is it's you hurting you, although it actually feels like real physical pain and the simple reason for this is... your attachment to the situation and her is the convincing lie your heart is telling you, that you'll never meet anyone like her again and that's a ****ing scary thought. It's also a lie... Good stuff though dude, get busy and keep at it, soon you'll be ready to play the game again, rant on here when necessary, will be ups and downs, there's plenty of great people for advice so you'll do alright I'm just a newbie, wouldn't listen to me if ya paid me 1
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