sufigirl Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Okay, new person, same old story.......even down to the part where I think my situation is different....... When I met my MM he was separated from a 25yr marriage, and had a girlfriend. We met when I joined a local club and made many new friends. We became good friends immediately, and I always knew there was an attraction between us. He took a job out of town, and broke up with his girlfriend before he left. We emailed back and forth for the few months he was out of town, and began to both feel we might be starting a relationship. He didn't tell me, at the time, he was also emailing his ex-wife, and considering reconciling. He moved back to town, and stayed at various friends etc, and continued to see us both. As we moved slowly closer to a relationship, he did tell me where he stood with the ex-wife, and did tell me they had a sexual relationship. This was BEFORE I had sex with him, even. Our circle of friends all knew there was something between us, that it was obvious. His best friend, who is a close friend of mine as well, said hes just not happy when hes not with you....with you he's always touching you, always smiling......when he's with her he stays as far away as he can, and seems down. I think his ex has him over a financial barrel, and hes' going back to her because of money. So, he moved back with her, eventually. AND I STILL KEPT SEEING HIM! At that point, I felt like I couldn't stop. I had been single for 2 years, and was ready; he was everything I wanted, and enjoyed...........and, I fell completely in love with him. And him with me. He takes amazing chances in our group of friends with me. Apparently its common knowledge, but unspoken, that him and I are having an affair. I even know his wife, see her at social events.........see them together, in fact. Excruciating, at times. She is obviously in love with him and happy to have him back..........he never says anything against her, none of the she doesnt understand me, we don't have sex stories..........he cares deeply for her, but says he has never felt anything like with me, that we are soulmates. My kids were away at school while this was developing, and now they are home. They do not know he is married, and while they thought we were just friends, it wasn't an issue. But they have caught on that we have some connection...he phones a lot, comes over a lot.........we discussed that, and he emailed that he is somewhat concerned because if I got hurt, they could really mess things up with his wife. I guess that really hit me, that he is never leaving her no matter how much he loves me.....I guess I want to hear from anyone out there that sometimes it does work.... I know he's never had an affair before; I knew that from his friends long before he ever told me that. I know he agonizes over it, that he feels guilty and bad.......and as unable to stay away as I am. Sorry for the length.......like everyone out there, we have no one to discuss any of our feelings with, except our man. I truly feel this is different, because I know we have a deep and profound love, I know its not just sex, although thats great too. He understands me, he is attentive, caring, concerned, romantic, intuitive about me.........how do I leave that?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Well, you either leave or you stay and accept the relationship you have with him for what it is. In the situation of a MM with OW: the love a man has for his W is different than the love he has for his OW - the sets of needs he is getting met are different in each relationship. People make a grave mistake in mistaking one for the other or expecting one to replace the other. The only time that the balance tips in one direction or other is when one relationship becomes more or less intolerable in comparison to the other - or when the W or the OW decides to leave the relationship. As long as both types of relationships are tolerable for the MM and are meeting the needs he has for both, he will not leave - and will continue to maintain the ones he has as a matter of status quo.
lynnered Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 "I guess that really hit me, that he is never leaving her no matter how much he loves me.....I guess I want to hear from anyone out there that sometimes it does work...." well sorry to say im sorta in the same boat as you ,and its a long hard road almost 4years for me, if you want him to leave you need to leave 100%NC , my MM loves me ,i know &still he hasnt left all i get is soon, but i didnt even get that he was ever going to leave until i started NC , so i want you to do this right , sit down tell him honestly how you feel , And tell him not to call write email IM etc until he is separted or divorced, no being friends ,nothing cut him off TOTALLY, he needs to see what his life will be like w/o you , and you during this time focus on you, and keep the thought this may or may not workout the way you want it to, but either way you will get your answer, Dont waste all the time i have &be an emotall wreck do it 1 time and do it right and let the chips fall where they may , but at least you will know &it will not happen quickly &he will call you , you need to be firm &ignore him until you get what you deserve, a man who is devoted to only you , o and stay away from the friends , he need to wonder what you are doing , trust me NC is the best way get busy stay busy , but at the same time know he maynot leave
MiChick43 Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Im sorry, but.......if it were me and this man went back to his wife, especially not telling you the truth about his being in contact with her *kinda like he was having an affair on you, right?) I guess I would have seen the writting on the wall as soon as he moved back in with her and gone on my merry way. I just dont see the issue here. He chose to go back to his wife. Where does that leave you? The OW forever? And tell him not to call write email IM etc until he is separted or divorced, no being friends ,nothing cut him off TOTALLY, he needs to see what his life will be like w/o you Probably good advice if you should decide to weather this out. No contact can make it or break it. Hopefully in your favor . Good luck, Michick
Ladyjane14 Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia In the situation of a MM with OW: the love a man has for his W is different than the love he has for his OW - the sets of needs he is getting met are different in each relationship. People make a grave mistake in mistaking one for the other or expecting one to replace the other. The only time that the balance tips in one direction or other is when one relationship becomes more or less intolerable in comparison to the other - or when the W or the OW decides to leave the relationship. As long as both types of relationships are tolerable for the MM and are meeting the needs he has for both, he will not leave - and will continue to maintain the ones he has as a matter of status quo. Just thought you ought to read this twice. The key to it all is right here. (Oh, and that "soulmates" thing is pretty much malarkey, btw. My opinion of course....but damn, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. )
MySugaree Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 It comes down to this: Is a relationship with a maritally reconciled man better than no relationship at all and a return to the dating jungle? There's a calculus of costs and benefits. Most posters see only the costs because they're outside the complex of emotions, feelings and connections that make-up the feeling-tone of your relationship with this now-reconciled MM. They see a rapacious sexual opportunist; you see a man who touches you, holds you, loves you. Are you blinded by love? Perhaps. But sometimes, just sometimes, the MM-bashers are blinded by fixed preconception, by negative stereotype. Not all MM are created equal. They're not all the same. The man in your life is a case in point. This guy was separated, and told you, even before you had sex with him, that he had a sexual relationship with his estranged spouse. Based on that, a reconciliation was always a realistic possibility, if not a substantial likelihood, after a 25 year marriage. You were on notice. They reconciled and you continued to see him. Why? Because you were lonely, having been "single" for two years, and you were emotionally connected. You're an adult. You made your choice based on a complex of calculations, emotions and cost/benefits. The wife is doing the same. As is this man. Life is more complicated than message boards. Much. All three of you are trying to have all your needs met in imperfect circumstance. Then, aren't we all. The only thing I would caution you about is the financial explanation for the reconciliation. I don't buy it. He and his estranged wife had a post-separation sexual relationship. Twenty-five years is a long time--especially for a marriage. Some feelings remain. How do I know? I had a 3-year affair with a married woman. My 20 year marriage is over; it did not survive my affair. My ex-MW's "marriage" survived in its way as she drinks and medicates herself through her post-affair marital days. My ex-wife and I, in contrast, remain warm and connected as friends and parents. You never know. Here's the question: Is no relationship with this man, better than a shared relationship? Is being an "other" better than being "single." The answer is not always as obvious as many make it out to be, here.
CurlyIam Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 Sufigirl, you didnt say for how long you've been dating. If it's not for too long, maybe you can break the vicious cercle. It's not just yourself here, it's your kids. How much time before they know him, how much time before they get attached? How much time before someone serves them with the truth? Is this lust stronger than your maternal insticts of protecting your children and of teaching thme what's right? true, life is MUCH more complicated than messages on a board. But selling yourself short is still the same thing. Lying to someone, cheating right in their face is the same. This not about him, it's about yourself. you've had your cake, tried to eat it and have it too... My own opinion is that the final taste of it ain't that sweet after all. Think about your priorities in life. If you're fine with it, ok. But remember, he's in a very safe place, with his family, while you risk losing the little of a family that you've got. You're alone, girl, you're nothing but a little extra on the side. Don't kid yourself about that. Look at the bigger picture and see if you're ok with a little, secondary role...
Author sufigirl Posted May 22, 2005 Author Posted May 22, 2005 Thank you so much for the advice/opinions everyone. Its been hard feeling so isolated, and reading the replies helps so much.......... Is it bad form to single out people? I hope not, although I appreciate and found something to consider in each reply, I must thank in particular LucreziaBorgia and My Sugaree. I feel like you both caught something of the undertones,and the fundamental difficulty I have.....My Sugaree has many excellent points, and I'd have to say that having dated some, I prefer half of this man to all of any others I have met......... One thing I didn't say is he reconciled with his wife after I turned him down.......that was a few months ago, and in the intervening time, esp. the last 6 weeks or so, our feelings for each other have grown exponentially.........as far as he knows, I still prefer my single life, and wouldn't want to live with him.........I'm afraid to tell him I feel differently now because its so soon, going too fast.......and I'm afraid that even then, he might still choose her.......... Cost/benefit, and getting your needs met..........and the fact its all so much more complex than any message board could ever fathom.....these are good points. We are none of us perfect. My life motto, if I had one, would probably have been the Hippocratic Oath - "First, do no harm" - as applied to the people in my life. This is the first time, for me, that I am in the position of hurting an innocent party, a woman I like...........as he and I both say, we have discovered facets of our respective characters that are not pleasant, or nice in any way.... In spite of everything, he feels like a gift to me.
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