Worst Decision I've Ever Made

[bears11]

Hey Guys,

 

First time poster (28M), hoping for some advice.

 

This past Saturday was probably the worst night of my life. My girlfriend (24F) and I have gone through up's and down's in our relationship. She is in her second year of grad school and I live 50 miles away and work full time, needless to say we don't spend all that much time together which at times put stress on the relationship.

 

We've been together for 2 years and in this time frame we broke up once, right about a year ago. Her schedule was so hectic we barely had time to talk, I became too needy at the time and we decided to take a break for about a month and a half. After taking things easy its like we picked off exactly where we left off. Everything seemed to be going great until the last couple of months.

 

We both like to drink and have a good time. There was one instance about a month and a half ago, we when things took a slight turn. Out of nowhere she got completely drunk, told me not to go back to her apartment and that we were done. I spent the night at my friends place and went back to her apartment first thing in the morning, she had no recollection of what she said and apologized extensively. I let the whole ordeal go and we didn't talk about it again.

 

Fast forward to this past Saturday. We were both tailgating for the football game, we ended up going to the bar and once again we got into an argument. Her ex was at the bar and started talking to her for 15-20 minutes, after they got done talking to each other I had asked her what that was all about. She went off on a rant asking why I was getting jealous for no reason. I let it go and went to another bar with my friends and continued drinking.

 

About 2-3 hours after that I went back to her apartment, she had my bag ready by the door and told me to leave, told me that she didn't want to see me and what not. I was very drunk at this point and for some reason the first thing that came to mind to say to her was "oh what are you going to have your ex come over instead" (very stupid on my part) she got in my face and started yelling at me basically saying in a sarcastic tone "yeah im going to call him over and **** him" and that's when I made the worst decision of my life. Never in my life had I put my hand on a woman, but as she was screaming at me my first reaction was to shove her away. She did not go flying but I did push her into a wall and out of my way. Right away she threatened to call the police on me and told me to leave, which I did right away.

 

I went over to my friends place and spent the night there in disbelief for what had happened. I felt like I lost my cool under the influence. I would have never done that sober, I've never in my life called her a bitch/slut or insulted her in such a way.

 

The next morning I went over to her house to apologize and she was not having it at all. She said that she was not sure of what to make of the whole situation and told me to leave.

 

I am at a loss for word for the whole situation, never in my life have I felt so disappointing and embarrassed in myself for putting my hands on another woman. I sent her a very long apology and she replied back saying this.

 

"Im still completely shocked by what happened yesterday. I feel like our relationship has been dysfunctional for a while now and lat night reached a new level. I can't do this anymore and you've left me with no choice other than to end this relationship. We need time apart and I need time to think about things. I hope you understand the situation that you have put me in and can respect my decision. I'll always be here for you but for now I cant continue to bey our girlfriend. This is hard for me too so please just give me my space"

 

It's two days since all of that went down, and I'm still shocked by what had happened. I've looked into going to an AA meeting and even seeing a therapist. I feel like I lost my cool and I never want to do that again.

 

Is there hope for us to make this work again?

[mightycpa]

Not a ****ing chance. She's never going to let you back in, because every piece of advice she's going to get is that you are a ****ing monster.

 

I don't know if you are or if you aren't. Maybe you just sincerely believe in the complete and absolute equality of men and women, and as part of that belief, you reject the antiquated and sexist rules regarding violent physical contact between men and women.

 

Or, maybe you sincerely believe that getting physical is a perfectly valid way to influence someone, or to end a verbal confrontation.

 

Apparently, she doesn't share these beliefs, or maybe, it was a perfect excuse to get rid of you. I don't know.

 

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Clearly, you two + too much alcohol can be a toxic mix, and on top of that, she's not forgiving when you're drunk. In fact, she thinks it's a good idea to quarrel and fight with a drunk. That doesn't seem to work where you're concerned, and she probably ought to know this by now.

 

You guys are done. Better start getting used to it.

[Eighty_nine]

Be aware people will tear you apart about this here, and certainly you should look into better ways to manage your anger. But I will say this: I used to have an ex who when angry, would scream in my face. I mean SCREAM in my FACE. My protective instincts kicked in and I slapped him hard across the face on more than one occasion when he did that. That is NOT acceptable behavior on my part, but there's definitely some kind of instinctual thing that happens when people are in your personal space screaming at you. Be aware of it so you have a plan to cope in a healthy way if you're ever in this situation again.

[d0nnivain]

She's right about your relationship having been broken for a while now. Leave it alone. The pieces can't be put back together at this point. Don't even try.

[bears11]

She's right about your relationship having been broken for a while now. Leave it alone. The pieces can't be put back together at this point. Don't even try.

 

So basically I should never contact her again, after I spent the last 2 years of my life with this person.

 

I have a clear understanding of what I did, and I know that it was completely wrong. Never in my life have I put my hands on a woman until this day and I never intend on doing it again.

[d0nnivain]

That was simply the straw that broke the camels back. Your relationship hasn't been working in a long time.

[mightycpa]

So basically I should never contact her again, after I spent the last 2 years of my life with this person.

 

I have a clear understanding of what I did, and I know that it was completely wrong. Never in my life have I put my hands on a woman until this day and I never intend on doing it again.

It doesn't sound like you intended it the first time either. Intent has so little to do with this.

[Ryan_XD]

I think we'd all be lying if we say we never had the thoughts about raising a hand to our other half, you've just got to push the feeling away when you get the urge.

When she's screaming in your face, forget that and think about the girl you fell in love with.

 

As for your situation now, I honestly doubt she'll be in a rush to get back with you. Especially if she's spoken to her friends about it, you'll be an absolute monster!

 

Your best to leave her alone for a bit now, apply the NC and see how things pan out.

[Stage5Clinger]

Is there hope for us to make this work again?

 

No. It was over before you shoved her into a wall. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back. You should go to a therapist and work through these issues so that it never happens again. Let this be a lesson for you.

 

Cut her out of your life completely because that's what she secretly wanted before you even did this. You were just 'needy' as you put it -- but don't beat yourself up over this I don't buy into neediness being a problem. Someone is only being 'needy' when their partner isn't giving them what they need.

[bears11]

Not a ****ing chance. She's never going to let you back in, because every piece of advice she's going to get is that you are a ****ing monster.

 

I don't know if you are or if you aren't. Maybe you just sincerely believe in the complete and absolute equality of men and women, and as part of that belief, you reject the antiquated and sexist rules regarding violent physical contact between men and women.

 

Or, maybe you sincerely believe that getting physical is a perfectly valid way to influence someone, or to end a verbal confrontation.

 

Apparently, she doesn't share these beliefs, or maybe, it was a perfect excuse to get rid of you. I don't know.

 

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Clearly, you two + too much alcohol can be a toxic mix, and on top of that, she's not forgiving when you're drunk. In fact, she thinks it's a good idea to quarrel and fight with a drunk. That doesn't seem to work where you're concerned, and she probably ought to know this by now.

 

You guys are done. Better start getting used to it.

 

I really do appreciate your feedback, as harsh as it is its the truth. I'm not going to sit here and try to defend myself or even argue with what you have to say. As I previously mentioned, I have a complete understanding of what I did. It literally makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

 

I would do anything to go back in time and handle the situation differently.

 

As sad as this sounds, this event truly made me realize that I do have a problem with alcohol and anger. I am embarrassed that it had to get to this point for me to realize that. My whole world feels like its been flipped upside down.

 

Thank you for not holding back.

[Hoosfoos]

I think you sincerely regret what you did, but to be honest with you, she sounds like an idiot.

[Hope87]

Hey Guys,

 

First time poster (28M), hoping for some advice.

 

This past Saturday was probably the worst night of my life. My girlfriend (24F) and I have gone through up's and down's in our relationship. She is in her second year of grad school and I live 50 miles away and work full time, needless to say we don't spend all that much time together which at times put stress on the relationship.

 

We've been together for 2 years and in this time frame we broke up once, right about a year ago. Her schedule was so hectic we barely had time to talk, I became too needy at the time and we decided to take a break for about a month and a half. After taking things easy its like we picked off exactly where we left off. Everything seemed to be going great until the last couple of months.

 

We both like to drink and have a good time. There was one instance about a month and a half ago, we when things took a slight turn. Out of nowhere she got completely drunk, told me not to go back to her apartment and that we were done. I spent the night at my friends place and went back to her apartment first thing in the morning, she had no recollection of what she said and apologized extensively. I let the whole ordeal go and we didn't talk about it again.

 

Fast forward to this past Saturday. We were both tailgating for the football game, we ended up going to the bar and once again we got into an argument. Her ex was at the bar and started talking to her for 15-20 minutes, after they got done talking to each other I had asked her what that was all about. She went off on a rant asking why I was getting jealous for no reason. I let it go and went to another bar with my friends and continued drinking.

 

About 2-3 hours after that I went back to her apartment, she had my bag ready by the door and told me to leave, told me that she didn't want to see me and what not. I was very drunk at this point and for some reason the first thing that came to mind to say to her was "oh what are you going to have your ex come over instead" (very stupid on my part) she got in my face and started yelling at me basically saying in a sarcastic tone "yeah im going to call him over and **** him" and that's when I made the worst decision of my life. Never in my life had I put my hand on a woman, but as she was screaming at me my first reaction was to shove her away. She did not go flying but I did push her into a wall and out of my way. Right away she threatened to call the police on me and told me to leave, which I did right away.

 

I went over to my friends place and spent the night there in disbelief for what had happened. I felt like I lost my cool under the influence. I would have never done that sober, I've never in my life called her a bitch/slut or insulted her in such a way.

 

The next morning I went over to her house to apologize and she was not having it at all. She said that she was not sure of what to make of the whole situation and told me to leave.

 

I am at a loss for word for the whole situation, never in my life have I felt so disappointing and embarrassed in myself for putting my hands on another woman. I sent her a very long apology and she replied back saying this.

 

"Im still completely shocked by what happened yesterday. I feel like our relationship has been dysfunctional for a while now and lat night reached a new level. I can't do this anymore and you've left me with no choice other than to end this relationship. We need time apart and I need time to think about things. I hope you understand the situation that you have put me in and can respect my decision. I'll always be here for you but for now I cant continue to bey our girlfriend. This is hard for me too so please just give me my space"

 

It's two days since all of that went down, and I'm still shocked by what had happened. I've looked into going to an AA meeting and even seeing a therapist. I feel like I lost my cool and I never want to do that again.

 

Is there hope for us to make this work again?

 

 

I'm not going to berate you for your actions, I think, as you've stated that you appreciate the gravity of your actions. With the exception of self defence, there's really no excuse for physical violence and shoving may very well escalate to a slap the next day and then pummelling the next week. You should take measures to get your alcohol consumption under control, both of your actually because she's not completely innocent either. It has the tendency to really bring out the worst in us.

 

That said, I think you're ignoring the problems or cracks in your relationship that existed prior to this incident. From what you described, it appears the relationship was already fractured and the shove was the last straw in a sequence of negative events. She had your bag packed and ready for you and asked you to leave her alone. She reacted dismissively and insensitively when questioned about her 20minute chat with her boyfriend etc.

And there are probably a lot of other things you haven't mentioned here. The relationship was troubled BEFORE the incident and more so now, for the obvious reasons.

 

I think the best thing you can do is give her space. She's furious now and like another poster mentioned everyone is going to dissuade her from reconciling with you on the basis that you're a potential woman beater ( please don't be offended by language, I'm just being candid these are the kind of things she's likely to hear). She need space, go NC. Respect her request, this will demonstrate remorse, besides she not willing to entertain you right now. It will be excruciatingly difficult to stay away because you will have an overwhelming drive to "fix" things but the only way to fix things is by doing nothing, for now.

 

 

After a period of silence, you may then initiate light contact... there's no easy fix though because your relationship was already damaged. The relationship might be salvageable ( nobody can predict the future with 100% accuracy) but it will be a long road ahead to reconciliation, if it happens. Is the relationship worth it? Were you happy? Was it healthy? You must answer these questions honestly.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Hope87

[warshaw]

She wants space. For good reason.

 

It's probably over but you never know.

 

Don't contact her and don't drink anymore.

 

That's for starters.

[bears11]

She wants space. For good reason.

 

It's probably over but you never know.

 

Don't contact her and don't drink anymore.

 

That's for starters.

 

I made a goal for myself to not drink for 30 days, once I get to 30 I'll shoot for more. Alcoholism has been rampant in my family and I'm planning on talking to someone about that next week.

 

It's so hard trying not to contact her, all I keep thinking about is how I want to fix this but deep inside I know that there's nothing that can be done at this time.

[drallafi]

She's fuccing her ex.

The "shove" was just a convenient excuse to get rid of you without guilt.

It's over man.

[Truth34]

^^ I agree. That was her golden ticket, now she is guilt free. Even if guilt does creep in, she will be rest assured by anyone whom she speaks with that you are bad news.

 

A push is a push, sometimes. In the heat of the moment, when you were drunk to boot, things happen. I will say that either gender who gets up in your grill and starts suffocating you with no room to move while screaming, doesnt have a whole lot of innocence. Antagonizing behavior leads to certain results more often than not. Launching someone is a different story completely, but moving them out of your area or so that you can navigate is what it is. Obviously thats my opinion, laws tend to think otherwise.

[boltam]

I made a goal for myself to not drink for 30 days, once I get to 30 I'll shoot for more. Alcoholism has been rampant in my family

 

Is it that hard to give up drinking that you have to do it in 30 day chunks?

 

If so you're probably already an alcoholic.

 

You can't fix the relationship that just crashed and burned but you can fix yourself.

[GrandRail]

What you did was inappropriate, but I also agree that it was not the main incident propelling her whole decision to end things. Going off what you wrote, she was very clearly looking for an out before then and this gave her the final excuse to do it. I wouldn't pursue this if I were you. You mentioned feeling hesitancy about giving up this relationship because you've already invested 2 years into it. I'd think of it this way. You can find many people on these boards getting over relationships 4 times or more the length of yours. In addition, this was a relationship riddled by problems. There will eventually be a day when you'll be able to say you're grateful you only invested two years into this broken relationship, in order to find a partner more compatible and better able to communicate with you in a constructive manner. If your partner is always threatening the relationship is over, you can't feel secure, and she just isn't invested. You should move on now to a healthier lifestyle and a healthier relationship.

Edited October 16, 2015 by GrandRail