Your typical rebound - success or failure?

[The Prototype]

The reason I ask is because in April I was broken up with by a girl who i dated for 15 months, who i was planning to marry later this year. I found out after the fact she had been depressed and hurt for the past few months because she had thought I would propose around both Christmas and Valentines Day, and I didn't. Of course, we never discussed that, I had no idea of that until her mother told me. She also was hurt by how busy I was this semester with school and work, and trying top buy a second home. She said she felt like second fiddle.

 

She said she just wanted to have fun and be carefree right now, and all this had just gotten her down. Soon after we broke up, she began dating this guy from her school (fellow teacher), who while not having much to offer, is probably very fun to hang out with. She is 24 and I am 30. This dude is her age, makes less money than she, doesn't have much going for him save for the fact he is "fun". They play lacrosse together, they both teach physical education in the same county, etc. His extended family lives 7 hours away in Pittsburgh. Her family has told me they expect them to last no more than a few months if that, as she is just trying to "have fun" and "be happy" in the moment. She had never dated anyone longer than 4 months prior to me. Though this will probably end up costing her anything with me, due to signs of major immaturity and communication issues.

 

I am still curious though, do most quick rebounds like this typically last, or are they momentary fun? From all I have read and been told, they are almost always destined for failure, given the nature of how they began. I don't want her back now per se, but it would be crushing to think you can be so easily replaced by a "fun guy" so quickly? Especially after the reason we broke up in her words was that "she felt like she was moving faster and was deeper in love than I, and that hurt her a lot". Seems counterintuitive to do this. I understand wanting to replace the hurt you feel, but it just doesn't work that way. It reminds me of a person who turns to drugs or alcohol when they have problems. It takes the pain away in the short term, but does it cure the problem? Not at all.

 

I guess I just want the vindication eventually of knowing they didn't end up being serious in the long run. Flings I can handle; being replaced as the "true love" right away is tougher.

 

Thoughts on these types of rebounds and how they usually turn out? I realize this isn't scientific or anything, but I am still curious about people's (esp. girls who have done this) thoughts, experiences, etc.

[ConfusedInOC]

It may not be a rebound for her. Nobody knows at this point.

 

If you have maintained no contact and she isn't calling you, the odds aren't too good after 3 months.

[The Prototype]

True, I was just asking generally, do they tend to work out. I am not looking for her to come back per se, but simply not fall for the first guy fter me who is "fun". He and I are polar opposites, and unless she lied about EVERYTHING she wants ina guy to me for the 15 months we dated, he seems to be just a fun, care free relationship for her for now. Now serious commitment needed, just fun. Again, her parents and brother have said the same thing

 

Too early to tell if something is a rebound I agree; how long can rebounds last by definition? Technically, I suppose a person could date someone for a year and still be in a rebound.

 

I do not think any good relationship is spawned from the ashed of another when the person has not come to grips with the issues, likes, dislikes, etc from the previous relationship. What if the breakup was THEIR fault? Then they are ripe for continued problems and breakups.

 

Guess I was just speaking in general, when most people come out of serious, potentially heavy, marriage laden relationships, I have heard they often go out and just try and have fun. Try a guy out, date for awhile, move on when the fun/ride is over. Seems like a waste if they end up being wrong about the previous relationship, but what can you do...

[Jadey]

Rebounds probably dont last longer then 3-5 months..Hopefully

[The Prototype]

That is what I have heard. Once the sizzle is gone, there typically isn;t any substance. Not that there CAN'T be, but just usually the likelihood is small. Especially when the girl bailed on me because she thought she was more in love than I was. It makes NO sense to me. Like this has gotten her closer to marriage? All she gets is affection, attention etc., but that is fleeting, and will eventually wear thin.

 

I always liken these things to people who turn to drugs or alcohol. They make you feel good quick, but they are red herrings; they leave you empty when the feeling goes away. So you have two choices - continue to rebound over and over, or stop and fix the pain and your issues, and start fresh.

[Jadey]

Youre right it is completley like drugs or drink. Great to ease the pain in the short run but when it wears out youre left with the pain and the reality/. Thats wot the rebound relastionship is, they break up with you for wotever reason and the rebound person helps ease and disguise the pain untill they wear off and they are left with reality. If youre ex gf is anything like my e bf they run from feelins and reality for wotever reason and in order to run from their emotions and feelings they get someone else to pretend its not you they want and they are hurt/guilty. But feelings and emotions ALWAYS catch up with you in the end. Its like a death, lots of people go in deniel at first and they are 2ok2 untill somethings hits them and they wake up to reality.. Dont worry wi doubt they will last long..

[Love2share]

If it last longer than a few months, it's not a rebound.

 

One of my XBF's had a rebound that only lasted for 3 or 4 months. Then he came running back to me.

 

My last XBF has a rebound that has lasted for a year. I don't have any way of knowing if it will last forever, but I know that I will NEVER take him back.

 

I feel your pain when you hope that you can't be replaced so easily. My XBF, in fact, told me that his rebound was just a "substitute" for me when I wasn't around. I thought, "How could anyone substitute for me? I'm one of a kind. Why would he settle for a substitue when he already has the real thing?"

 

You could spend the rest of your life trying to figure out why your XGF made her decision. But I think it's better to focus on yourself. KNOW that you are NOT replaceable. Somewhere down the road, she will realize that.

 

Rebounds never compare to the center of the court. It's difficult to score on the rebound. That is why rebonds don't last long. When it last longer than a few months, there is something deeper involved than just a good time. You just have to move on and consider that she may have found her soul mate. Don't worry about them.

 

Think about it, if the rebound relationship last longer than a few months, there are clearly some heavy feelings involved. If they break up and she comes running back to you, and you take her back; then your relationship with her will be the rebound from that failed relationship.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by Love2share

 

 

Think about it, if the rebound relationship last longer than a few months, there are clearly some heavy feelings involved. If they break up and she comes running back to you, and you take her back; then your relationship with her will be the rebound from that failed relationship.

 

That is a VERY interesting way to put it!!!

 

Prototype, I can give you some examples from a woman's perspective on my "rebounds."

 

Relationship 1: I was with the guy for a year and a half. He was my first "real" serious relationship. Over time I just got frustrated with him. He never had money, he was whiney, but I thought I loved him. UNTIL I met guy #2. I was so mean to the guy from relationship 1 that I even made out with guy #2 in front of my boyfriend at the time and slammed the door in his face to go make out wtih guy #2. The boyf still wanted to be with me after this. I had it with him. I broke up with him, to pursue guy #2.

 

Immediately after the break up I was with guy #2. Some may see this as a rebound, but I don't. I was already over the previous boyfriend.

 

It took me a loooong time to get over guy #2. He ended things with me, although we were never "officially" boyfriend/girlfriend. And there was no "break up talk" ...it just ended. Especially with him moving.

 

Relationship 2: My latest ex. I was with him for 2 years. Things were very serious. This was right after things ended with guy #2. (well about 4 months after guy #2 moved). A lot of my friends didn't think it would work, because things with g2 were still fresh and I wasn't over him yet. Keep in mind, I never gave a second thought to guy1.

 

Well they were wrong. The relationship lasted 2 years, and although it ended awful, it lasted a substantial amount of time. At the beginning of the relationship with guy3 I wasn't over guy2 but over time I forgot about guy2.

 

So, right after my breakup with guy3 (most recent ex) I have had a string of short lived "flings." At first, I would go into it thinking that I had found "the one" and the person to get me over this particular ex. It hasn't happened yet. I would say the longest any of them have lasted was 2 months. I have dated about 5 people since my breakup 7 months ago, and haven't been able to commit to ANY of them and I would cut and run very soon into it.

 

I guess it really just depends on the situation. You can see that in my experience, 2 of my so-called "rebounds" amounted to real relationships in which I didn't like the previous boyfriend anymore. But as of late, they have all been very quick and non-substantial relationships that started wtih a bam and ended with a ....well they just ended very quickly.

 

In your case, it does sound like a rebound because she obviously had such intense feelings for you. Have you tried to get her back? In this case, it would be seen as the breakup being YOUR fault. I hope you showed her she meant a lot to you and fought for her. She may jsut want you to fight to have her back. And you should, if she means enough to you. Have you even tried? In this case, don't do NC.

 

STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE!

[moon]

I totally disagree that a rebound is only a relationship that lasts a few months. My last relationship was essentially a rebound, even though it was a long while since the relationship before had ended. The fact was I still had strong feeling for the ex before and so my new relationship was a battle to stop thinking about the other ex. After a long, long time (a couple years) I got over that other ex. And for a long, long time I could have taken or left that new relationship. I couldn't fall in love with the new guy until I dealt with the past. The point of rebounds is to get into a new relationship to forget about your last one. If you immediately get into a new relationship after dating somebody for a lengthy period of time, then you won't have processed the last break up properly and you will still harbor many emotions and thoughts about the last relationship---good or bad. The new relationship will turn into a battle of forgetting the last one. Of course if you are dating somebody new you will obviously have some feelings for them....that's just a given.

 

But a rebound can be looked at as a relationship that is unbalanced. You will be using that relationship to forget. The other person in that relationship will know that a part of you is somewhere else. I think rebounds can last a long time or a short time. It depends how much the new person is willing to listen and be a apart of the break up process for the dumper. The new person would have to be very patient and able to listen.

 

Here's an example. I know a lady who left her husband for another man. The new relationship lasted maybe six years, but it was raked with guilt and problems because the woman hadn't properly gotten over her husband and dealt with the issues. In the end the new guy left the woman very harshly. At that point in time the woman finally had to start dealing with the issues from the past relationship. From what I hear she is a mess now even a few years since her last break up because everything came flooding back to her. She had to FINALLY deal with her break up with her husband and her ex boyfriend. She's finally single for the first time in her life and can't even date....she's sort of paralyzed with emotions now. So I think this is what rebounds are about. Finding a new relationship to subsitutute the old.....and not dealing with yourself or reality---but I think it comes back to you sooner or later.

 

The only time I could think that a rebound would only last a few months is if the dumper was truly still totally in love with their ex and broke up out of spite or some other immature emotion. But most people who break up with a person may still love the ex, but don't have their whole heart in the relationship anymore. But still---love, in love or otherwise--- if the dumpers felt like that last person was sort of waiting around for them, the dumper might stay in the new relationship longer, knowing he could go back to his ex when HE feels like it. A good case in point to MOVE ON yourself.

 

I think you also need to look at the patterns of your ex. Are they the type that are always running from their problems and hop from one relationship to another? These people are shallow and may enjoy a nice rebound for a long time, but sooner or later things will catch up with them. Most likely you'll be long gone at that point. So I wouldn't spend a lot of time worrying about their rebound. If a person jumps from one relationship to another one, that's a rebound...plain and simple. The success of that rebound is more about the will of that person to keep it going. I think a lot of factors like anger, spite, jealousy towards a past love could keep it going longer. But they are in fact rebounds..... That's my opinion. They are half hearted relationship, mostly raked with problems.

[shamen]

It depends... sometimes they are really short and sometimes people marry their rebounds, as in the case with one of my exes. He married the girl that he met 10 days after he moved out, within a year of their meeting even!

 

My last relationship was essentially a rebound, and I was with him for four years.

[moon]

I agree some rebounds do lead to marriage. But I think the past would need to be dealt with at some point.....but like they say time does heal wounds whether you're single or in a new relationship. It depends on the person.

 

I always remember a saying I heard once...."A relationship usually ends the same way it begins."

 

That makes a lot of sense to me.

[Merin]

Just a different perspective...

 

IMO The person who ends the relationship and goes on to date someone else even if it's right away isn't rebounding... most people when they end a relationship (especially if it was the Woman) had started detaching themselves from the relationship and thier Mate long before they actually ended the relationship.

 

It is the person who was let go that often will look for comfort with someone else quickly.. and those relationships IMO seem to fizzle out quick because it really was a rebound for the dumped in trying to fill up an empty void so to speak...

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Merin

Just a different perspective...

 

IMO The person who ends the relationship and goes on to date someone else even if it's right away isn't rebounding... most people when they end a relationship (especially if it was the Woman) had started detaching themselves from the relationship and thier Mate long before they actually ended the relationship.

 

It is the person who was let go that often will look for comfort with someone else quickly.. and those relationships IMO seem to fizzle out quick because it really was a rebound for the dumped in trying to fill up an empty void so to speak...

 

True.

 

But I also think that sometimes to get away from someone, you jump to the first good thing that comes along, without much thought. While you might be ready to move on, you might not make the best choice. Option A seems better than option B at the moment.

[suegail]

It could be though that she was faced with the up and coming wedding plans and realized she wasn't ready for it. She may have just plain wanted out and had to give some excuse, and people often aren't too honest with others or even with themselves at a time like that. She did though say she wanted to be 'fun and carefree' and that in and of itself may really be the entire story. She wasn't ready to be tied down.

[The Prototype]

All good points.

 

I have just seen statistics that showing rarely do these type work for either the dumper of the dumpee. They CAN work sure, but require a lot more work than a normal healthy relationship. And, as is true in most of the cases, the person coming off the previous relationship is grasping at the qualities they want to recapture. The dumper is often looking to rekindle what they feel was missing when the decided to flee, and the dumpee is grasping at what was taken away from them. There are always exceptions, but this is more the norm.

 

I read somewhere a descirption of them as fireworks. They go out high, are extremely bright, but then fizzle out quickly. Often, the person sees qualities in the new companion that just aren't their, but they see them anyway. They don't notice flaws, only the good things, for awhile. That eventually fades. Then once they have dealt with the hurt from their previous relationship, they don't need the need person anymore, and realize "oh my, I don't love this person".

 

In my case, I believe her reaction was one of wanting to simply "cut loose" and be happy. She had goten so morose and depressed over thinking her feelings were stronger than mine that she wanted to just be happy again. Kind of ridiculous, since the cause of this was HER wanting to be married to me, at first. Has this gotten any closer to that wish? I understand wanting to be away from the sadness and whatnot, but the "fun time" will eventually fade, and what then?

 

She is very much hung up on "the fairy tale" (from her own admission). Hard work, long days, any time apart are not part of the equation for this. Every day should be like the first date. Well show me ANY relationship where that exists, please. You are setting yourself up for failure if you bail the first time it isn't "fun" anymore... Marriage and children only bring more stress.

[Love2share]

This is a really interesting topic!! Now I understand how a long-term relationship could possibly be a rebound. When I look at it that way, it is very possible that my relationships with my XBF's were rebounds. Further more, any relationship I enter could be a rebound. It's like I meet a wonderful guy and start a relationship with him. How do I know if I'm a rebound or not? Is there any way of knowing first hand? I would like to know if the person I'm with needs extra time and effort to recoupe from and EX before I fall in love with him.

 

Most people think of rebounds as flings. The term came from the basketball game in which the players have a chance to bounce back after the ball went out of the boundry line. It's a temporary fix. Otherwise, there would be no boundries. I think there should be another way to classify rebounds that last longer than a year. Feelings may take years to change. But the people in our lives can't be temporary fixes if we keep them in it for long periods of time, or permenately.

[The Prototype]

The problem is, often the undelying issues NEVER get fixed when someone stays in this type of relationship, and the problems WILL eventually rear their head. It can take months, or years even, but most psychologists will tell you, you have to do the hard work before the quick fix.

 

That's where the drug analogy comes from. They remove the pain, but don't fix the problem.

 

That's why relationships that are rushed into for solace, comfort, or to recapture that which is lost are always bad news. I heard it likekend to looking into someone's medicine cabinet. You see all those half taken meds and cures? One of them could be labeled "Rebound". once the pain or symptoms involved in healign are gone, people don't keep taking the medicines. they stop. And so usually does the rebound.

[TheBarnacle]

first, let me say that she's 24. at 30, i think you're probably in a different place than she, so maybe it's just as well (you may have saved yourself from a divorce in 4-6 years)...

 

now that the pleasantries are out of the way i'll address the rebound thing. they may last. i've found myself recently in a rebound relationship that was 15 months. oh, wait...i said they'd last, but ultimately, they won't LAST. while a rebound is nice, it doesn't allow the person to resolve whatever feelings they had for the previous partner. that doesn't happen when you're just "having fun" or building a replacement relationship.

 

would you want her back after she's done rebounding???

 

EDIT: yes...this post was fairly redundant with those right above...i'm lazy and have no patience so i didn't read all the posts first. so...there you go.

[The Prototype]

Thanks, I agree. The age and experience (I was an Air Force pilot, lived around the world, etc versus she grew up and is a high school teacher in her own home town) are major factors, i am afraid. And that is something only time can change. I agree, this would have come up eventually, and divorce (and possibly single parenthood) would have resulted.

 

And I agree about the rebound. Be it months or ten years later, it typically rears it heads and screws things up. Fun in the short term, harder in the long term.

[FolderWife]

I married my rebound

[The Prototype]

I'd say (and statistics would definitely agree with me) that is exception, not the rule, but glad you found happiness either way