laceyone123 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Hi I am new to this forum. Looks like you all can have a good adult discussion. Just recently started an affair and I am a little confused how to go forward. I have been married 17 years and my husband is not interested in me at all. A few weeks ago I started seeing this new guy he is the exact opposite of my husband, and we only talk occasionally on the phone. We do hook up weekly for sex, but now he wants to go out somewhere. I do enjoy his company so confused I am sure only a few people will understand this.
Dancewithme Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 You say your husband is not interested in you, are you still interested in him? Is there anything there to salvage? Are you in an affair for retaliation, attention, or are you on your way out? I am one for avoiding drama. If you are no longer interested in being married to him, and on your way out, why not divorce first? 3
MissBee Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Hi I am new to this forum. Looks like you all can have a good adult discussion. Just recently started an affair and I am a little confused how to go forward. I have been married 17 years and my husband is not interested in me at all. A few weeks ago I started seeing this new guy he is the exact opposite of my husband, and we only talk occasionally on the phone. We do hook up weekly for sex, but now he wants to go out somewhere. I do enjoy his company so confused I am sure only a few people will understand this. What are you confused about? Does the guy know you're married? Do you have children? Do you plan to stay married and supplement it with this guy on the side or do you think you'll move towards ending your marriage or is it possible to fix it? 1
Author laceyone123 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 Good questions. I had to think about them. Yes children are involved and I am worried how they will take it. The OM is probably not relationship material but he has made me realize what I am missing in my marriage. He gives me so much pleasure in everyway when I see him. I have tried to work with my husband for years. He will not admit he is a diabetic even after the doctors tell him he still says he is ok. He also cant perform in bed because of this now its been 4 years and he doesn't spend any time with me. Of course I have tried to work things out even in the past when we were younger my husband has cheated I have stayed faithful. So I guess I am just scared of the truth and I am sad because if I stay in this marriage I will be so unhappy.
Poppy47 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 YOur husband sounds as though he isn't interested in your or himself. If he is truly hopeless and you are not happy, why don't you just leave? I know kids are involved but it has been done before. You don't say how old your children are. For goodness sake don't complicate your life anymore with an affair. Yes you are missing out on Life but you won't find it this way. Poppy. 3
Grapesofwrath Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 As a parent, of course you worry about the welfare of your children first. No one wants to put her child through the upheaval of divorce. I am a firm believer, however, that it is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. if the adults behave like adults and healthy boundaries/open communication are established and maintained, it can be done with minimal damage, if any. In some respects, it can bring you closer to your children because it provides an opportunity to talk, be vulnerable, and explore emotions with your kids in an honest, fearless way. I also would ask you to consider whether it is worse to experience parental divorce or to grow up in a home that is devoid of love, affection, honesty, intimacy, and trust between the two adults. Consider what your children are learning about marriage by observing your relationship with your spouse. As a child of divorce myself, I never wanted to put my kids through it. The difference is that my ex-husband and I made a conscious choice to be respectful and mature in our dealings, unlike my own parents, for the sake of our children. Now my children have adjusted and adapted beautifully. My ex-husband has a girlfriend who they accept and like. I am currently single, and they will frequently say to me, "Mom, I hope you find a boyfriend or husband, too. Someone who will make you happy and keep you from feeling lonely when we aren't around." While my situation is not ideal, it is honest and it is authentic. One other note, it sounds like your husband may be depressed. It can be very difficult to sustain a marriage to a clinically depressed person.
privategal Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 Hi I am new to this forum. Looks like you all can have a good adult discussion. Just recently started an affair and I am a little confused how to go forward. I have been married 17 years and my husband is not interested in me at all. A few weeks ago I started seeing this new guy he is the exact opposite of my husband, and we only talk occasionally on the phone. We do hook up weekly for sex, but now he wants to go out somewhere. I do enjoy his company so confused I am sure only a few people will understand this. Id figure out affair or not if youd like to stay married. Then address it with your hubby Maybe even disclosing the affair to him would be the fire he needs to address hia health and work out marriage or let you go. Either way while you just only met the OM its too early to think about a future with him...maybe its just sex and you will part ways soon who knows. I think for you this might be an exit affair.
Author laceyone123 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I received great advise yesterday thanks guys. Now I have a good idea what I need to do but not sure if I will act on it. Just afraid of divorce not sure what to expect. In order to be happy again I will need to separate from husband he just not into the marriage anymore. As for OM it's great when we are together only a few times. He rarely calls me and when he does its sexual. He wanted to go out but I declined because we could be seen. Now he talks more like it's just sex for him. I am ok with it I guess but I feel funny about it cause I am always waiting for him to call. He says he doesn't want to get caught up in a relationship with me since I am married. Is this how an affair should work?
Lois_Griffin Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I've heard many guys over the years jokingly tell each other that married women are the safest bet to have NSA sex with because they aren't in a position to demand all your time or insist on a commitment or engagement ring or any of that. He sounds like one of the many guys who took that advice. He's TOLD you this is only sexual for him. He's made it loud and clear. When someone tells you something you don't want to hear, you need to believe them. Lastly, I certainly hope you aren't considering divorce based on thinking you'd have a chance for a full committed relationship with this OM. He's basically told you he's using you for sex and nothing else. That's hardly the ideal man to put ANY trust or faith in whether you're married or not. 2
Bufo Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Just consider that one reason OM gives you so much pleasure is that with him you aren't dealing with kid problems, bills, household chores, in law concerns, etc that you deal with daily with your husband. A direct comparison of the two men is very skewed in OMs favor where you are judging on how much fun each is. I'm not saying your H is candidate for Husband of the Year Award but after 17 years the thrill is gone. Can you wait until your kids are at least gone off to school? I missed how old they are. Can you tell H that the marriage is over unless he shapes up?
Lovemesomehim Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 What's the confusion? If your marriage has physically ended and you're unhappy, you can either go to mc or divorce. 1
Eagle's-bargain Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I am new to this forum. Looks like you all can have a good adult discussion. Only some of us. The problem, at least for me, is that I can't imagine an affair as justifiable in the long run, unless people were in a bad marriage and they're actually building a meaningful relationship out of the affair. I'm not saying affairs are ok, they aren't and people should wait, but few affairs actually merits the qualities that I think are important. If an affair is justifiable, in my opinion, the lying started before any affair took place. Either the married man or woman got into a bad marriage and knew it or lied to themselves or their spouse about it. This I think happens to many marriages with or without affairs. The only affair I imagine being "good" is when people are true about their feelings and stop abusing someone else just for security and/or other reasons. I can't imagine how many couples stay together just because they don't know anything else or prefer not to be alone. Just recently started an affair and I am a little confused how to go forward. I have been married 17 years and my husband is not interested in me at all. Sounds like you should get a divorce or marriage counseling. Maybe your suddenness to have an affair is why he's not interested in you? For example, I know quite a few men who can't stand being jealous of their significant other or wife, even if the wife enjoys the validation for attention. When some men feel this way, they feel hopeless and helpless in the relationship and fall into a depression. A few weeks ago I started seeing this new guy he is the exact opposite of my husband, and we only talk occasionally on the phone. We do hook up weekly for sex, but now he wants to go out somewhere. Sounds like your "affair" is just fiery passion of the loins. I do enjoy his company so confused I am sure only a few people will understand this. No one doubts that, but the shame involve with affairs - as they should be shameful events - is a breech of trust (in most cases) and a contractual breech (legally) of trust of the union.* What do you want from this affair? And who are you or were you before the affair, which led to the affair? *In some countries. 1
Eagle's-bargain Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I've heard many guys over the years jokingly tell each other that married women are the safest bet to have NSA sex with because they aren't in a position to demand all your time or insist on a commitment or engagement ring or any of that. He sounds like one of the many guys who took that advice. That's a two-way street, and women play that game too. 1
Author laceyone123 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 I have a question for someone that has had the experience of cheating on their husband. I have met a nice guy he is very sexy and he communicates with me well. Please don't judge my marriage is more like a good friendship now. We love each other but there is no affection and we spend very little time together. He doesn't show me affection at all and there is absolutely no sex he is not able to perform and won't get help. I am sorry but I need an outlet. My older children stress me and my husband he doesn't listen to me at all. I know its wrong but I am so lonely and in need of some attention from someone other than one of my girlfriends. Can anyone else relate to this?? 1
William Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Folks, moderation noticed three threads running on the same topic so merged them into one discussion and placed that discussion, per published policy, in our Infidelity forum. Please continue the discussion here and in accordance with LoveShack.org policies. Thanks!
dichotomy Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I have a question for someone that has had the experience of cheating on their husband. I have met a nice guy he is very sexy and he communicates with me well. Please don't judge my marriage is more like a good friendship now. We love each other but there is no affection and we spend very little time together. He doesn't show me affection at all and there is absolutely no sex he is not able to perform and won't get help. I am sorry but I need an outlet. My older children stress me and my husband he doesn't listen to me at all. I know its wrong but I am so lonely and in need of some attention from someone other than one of my girlfriends. Can anyone else relate to this?? I get the need for sex in a sexless or nearly so marriage, although I have never cheated. However its sounds as though beyond the lack of sex, your husband is not being a good spouse, father, partner. In that case you need more than a FB/FWB to take care of your sexual needs on the side which is all this guy sounds like he wants with you. If you want more than is sounds like neither man is for you? What do you want ?
aliveagain Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 This sounds more like a stubborn husband refusing to acknowledge a medical problem and refusing to get the medical help he needs, there may be a medical solution. Rather than cheat on your partner, exposing him to the same diseases you are exposing yourself to, talk to him. Give him the ultimatum because your cheating will be perceived by all in a much darker light than his medical issues. You own everything your doing, if your marriage is over, end it because there are things much worse then divorce, sharing your spouse with another is one of them. 1
fellini Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 If it is true that there is zero physical between you and your H, then I suppose the "STD" argument is moot. Sounds like your husband refuses (after several attempts) to deal with his health and personal issues. You have a choice: Tell him right out - if you are not interested in me, I will leave and find someone who is. (A kind of LAST CHANCE ULTIMATUM that spells it out clearly) or Just leave him, don't negotiate the why, just tell him that for you the marriage is over and you are done trying to keep it alive. PERIOD. You leave, without all the drama of who did what or who didn't do their bit. You leave. 1
harrybrown Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Be open with your H one more time. Tell him about your sex with the OM. The OM only wants you for sex along with several other women. Do not continue this A. get a divorce first and then see how long the OM comes around. But keep him away from your children. Good luck. throwing the A bomb on your marriage is not smart.
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