Gretzky99 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 (edited) I wanted to get some feedback on this. There is no real way of finding out statistics on this, but from your previous experiences in life, how many times have you been involved in a breakup where either your ex has dumped you only to start a new relationship or when you have dumped your ex because there was a new guy/girl you were in the early stages of going out with?? This doesn't necessarily have to mean the moment they broke up with you, they immediately hoped on board to someone else and we're in a "official relationship." The more likely scenario is that the wheels were turning and you found out a short time later. From my previous experience, it's actually been girls who are more prone to doing this than guys. I can say this not just from my prior history but also in hearing from other friends of mine, too. My most recent ex vouched that she still had feelings for me and there was no other person involved. I did not doubt her for a second when she said this but as time has gone by, and the more I think about it, the more likely it seems to me this was a legitimate possibility. Edited October 14, 2015 by Gretzky99
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 It happens a lot. Whether it is confessed or hidden, it happens with distressing frequency. . And without getting into a one-upmanship contest (that is NOT my intention) I find it's more guy-dumper-has met-new-girl, rather than girl-dumper-has-met-new-guy.... But perhaps it's split quite evenly.... It's certainly extremely common though. 2
Author Gretzky99 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 It happens a lot. Whether it is confessed or hidden, it happens with distressing frequency. . And without getting into a one-upmanship contest (that is NOT my intention) I find it's more guy-dumper-has met-new-girl, rather than girl-dumper-has-met-new-guy.... But perhaps it's split quite evenly.... It's certainly extremely common though. Interesting... Do you think dumpers who breakup up due to this have a stronger likelihood in never coming back as opposed to ones who have broken up for other reasons (excluding cheating, abuse)? Lol, I think you may be right. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way. It's probably 50/50, but because more of your friends will be of the same sex, we may have a clouded belief on that.
BC1980 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I think it's pretty common. My last ex used me as a placeholder until he found someone he really wanted. I think that from very early on, he knew I wasn't exactly the one for him. But he liked me enough to keep me around because he thought he might never find anyone he truly felt was right for him. He had been married before and was approaching 50. He would often comment that he had given up on getting married again because he felt he was too old and felt his child was baggage when it came to relationships (charming right?) He felt I was "good enough." After he broke it off with me, he strung me along for a few months until he started dating someone else officially. The got married pretty quickly. I'm not sure if they started something while we were together, but it's kind of fishy. Apparently, they had know each other while we were together, so you have to at least consider that they may have been talking to one another. I guess all of that to say that I think people frequently stay with someone who is "good enough for right now." And if they happen to meet someone else, they jump. I think it's just difficult to extricate yourself from a relationship with someone when there isn't really anything wrong with the person. However, you aren't really crazy about the person either. So maybe that's why people tend to stay until they have someone else. 1
BC1980 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Lol, I think you may be right. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way. It's probably 50/50, but because more of your friends will be of the same sex, we may have a clouded belief on that. That's probably correct. I could give you several stories of women who were left when the guy found someone else. But that's likely because most of my friends are women.
frigginlost Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Interesting... Do you think dumpers who breakup up due to this have a stronger likelihood in never coming back as opposed to ones who have broken up for other reasons (excluding cheating, abuse)? Lol, I think you may be right. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way. It's probably 50/50, but because more of your friends will be of the same sex, we may have a clouded belief on that. I don't think it really matter what the reason is in all honesty. I have had 3ex's jump ship with a lifeboat in place (all three had different reasons) throughout my nearly 50 years on this planet. Every single one of them came back. The 4th one (most recent) is currently trying to build a bridge with me after her lifeboat sank...
disbelief Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 my gf dumped me for another guy, although she would never admit it. she was back within 3 months.
Saracena Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 IME, it's very often purely a case of when something is missing in the current relationship, it vastly increases the likelihood of one (unhappy) partner actually acting on feelings for a third party, which they would otherwise have ignored. I know 2 exes of mine (I'm female) actually admitted to this (albeit much later though one did hint at it at the time) because they felt I was far less committed than they were. As it happens they were right as I'd made my feelings clear. In both cases they had been very hurt before when previous girlfriends had ended relationships so wished to avoid history repeating itself! One actually told me I'd let him go too easily......which for him amounted to proof he'd been correct all along! I just knew deep down he was more suited to his new girlfriend and I was right. They ended up getting married! 1
Samuel_22 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 If it is a girl, most likely, if it is a man maybe! I have witnessed this more among women than men, and this can be justified by psychological differences between men and women, women are usually emotionally attached creatures, so they don't jump from ''x'' to''y'' without making sure that ''y'' is safe enough or even safer than ''x'' this is called the ''monkey syndrome'' I have seen that in the past myself, when a girl puts forward the break up subject, not only is there another person in the picture, they have also checked and re-checked the stability of their decision, to make sure it is not a mistake, men on the other hand, just break up because either they don't feel like going on with the RS or because they have had enough of a situation. This alone, perhaps justifies the reason why men regret break ups more than women do, men start living a normal life after BU, and when they become lonely or miss the partner, they come back. However, women break up and move on quickly so the only time they may regret breaking up with the first guy is when, the other guy dumps them, which is often too late to come back, or they are not sure if the partner that they have dumped is still available, or has any emotions of any kind. This is merely based on my own experience, and it does not cover all cases and individuals, so no offense ladies. 1
disbelief Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 i guess it's normal and can be predicted that women will do this if their emotional needs and not being met or the guy is being needy/not attractive anymore and annoying her. she will search for something else and jump ships when it arrives. this is what happened to me.
Liono84 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 It's pretty astonishing how girls are more likely to do this than guys. I don't want to start the gender game here, but just look around this forum and read the countless threads and the disparity speaks for itself. I, too, thought this only existed because of my previous experiences and those of my friends, but having been on this site for past 2 months, it's quite clear; Women are far more likely to do this. 1
mightycpa Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 For me, half the time it was for someone else, half the time it was for me. I never went back, but I think I'm a little unusual that way. I agree with the comment that it really doesn't matter, or at least, it shouldn't. 1
notsurewhy Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I think it's pretty common. My last ex used me as a placeholder until he found someone he really wanted. I think that from very early on, he knew I wasn't exactly the one for him. But he liked me enough to keep me around because he thought he might never find anyone he truly felt was right for him. He had been married before and was approaching 50. He would often comment that he had given up on getting married again because he felt he was too old and felt his child was baggage when it came to relationships (charming right?) He felt I was "good enough." After he broke it off with me, he strung me along for a few months until he started dating someone else officially. The got married pretty quickly. I'm not sure if they started something while we were together, but it's kind of fishy. Apparently, they had know each other while we were together, so you have to at least consider that they may have been talking to one another. I guess all of that to say that I think people frequently stay with someone who is "good enough for right now." And if they happen to meet someone else, they jump. I think it's just difficult to extricate yourself from a relationship with someone when there isn't really anything wrong with the person. However, you aren't really crazy about the person either. So maybe that's why people tend to stay until they have someone else. I don't want to go to far off topic, but being a placeholder sounds almost exactly like what I just went through in my last relationship. She broke it off out of the blue. Never really gave a reason. I felt like she was stringing me a long bit with the "Let's be friends" thing. Then I find out she is with someone else just recently. Changed her FB status and everything. Never did that with me. (we broke up just a few months ago)
disbelief Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 its a simple survival game, they will stay with someone that doesn't totally satisfy them to keep them comfortable. If/when something better comes up your gone. be careful with your feelings gentleman. 1
Cora Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 My ex disappeared on me out of the blue with no explanation. When I finally contacted him to find out what was going on he said he was going through some health issues and needed some time to himself to get through this. I thought this was very strange and so unlike him as he was having some health issues before, but never once needed space because of them. He told me he would be back in touch once he got through this. I was hurt, but gave him his space. Until I checked his Facebook one day and was shocked at what I found! Here he was with this new girl. Had pictures of them together and already calling her his girlfriend. I could not believe how fast he moved with this girl, but then I realized he must have been seeing her while he was still seeing me. So I am most certain that I was just a placeholder until his "something better" came along. I was heartbroken and devastated as he never called me his girlfriend. We were never even Facebook friends. This girl has already met his friends and family. I was never that special to meet his friends and family. Being a placeholder sucks! It hurts, but what hurts more than anything is the way he went about breaking things off with me. Just ghosting me and then using his health and the whole spiel about needing space as an excuse to get rid of me. This is the third time I've been used as a placeholder. Each and every time the guy just silently moved on with some new girl without breaking it off with me. It sucks being left this way! Whatever happened to "hey, I've met someone new and I'm sorry but things just aren't working out with us."??? I believe it would hurt a heck of a lot less that way than to have to find out on your own about the new person in their life. It's a ****ty situation either way, but honesty really is the best policy.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I'm a woman. I have done this once. And I have had it done to me once (to my knowledge)
BC1980 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I don't want to go to far off topic, but being a placeholder sounds almost exactly like what I just went through in my last relationship. She broke it off out of the blue. Never really gave a reason. I felt like she was stringing me a long bit with the "Let's be friends" thing. Then I find out she is with someone else just recently. Changed her FB status and everything. Never did that with me. (we broke up just a few months ago) I think that being a placeholder might explain why people go from one person to the next. It might explain why someone doesn't just outright break up with you when they know that they see no long term future. My ex told me that he found it difficult to break up with me because I hadn't done anything horrible to him. I think what he really meant was that if he didn't find anyone else, he could live with being married to me. He might ambivalent about it, but it was better than nothing. That's a horrible way to put it, and I didn't see it at the time. But that about sums it up with the placeholder idea. Because to be honest, breaking up is difficult for the dumper. It's difficult for more practical reasons. People use placeholders for a variety of reason: companionship, financial issues, sex, they've become involved with their family and friends, they have kids together, and the fact that breaking up just involves drama. So it's easier to just stay as long at the person doesn't do something terrible to you. I think that was the worst revelation after my breakup. Realizing that I had been sorely mistaken about what I had with my ex. It's very degrading to think that the person felt like they were settling with you, and I wish I had realized it at the time. 1
Meli22 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I don't think it's a gender thing. I'm a woman and I've never done it, and it's not something I can see myself doing either. If the problem is down to one partner being bored, and not wanting to pull their weight in the relationship, then a "shiny new toy" can seem so tempting. The new person has no baggage, no flaws (yet), and they seem happy, bubbly, fresh and exciting. So this new person must be the one. They break up with their partner rather than actually trying to fix the issues, and run into the arms of their new meat. Of course the cycle repeats itself and after a few months, the flaws of this new person show through and they become unattractive. The newness wears off and boredom sets in. Then one single doubt manifests itself and voila, onto the next. The problem with these people is that, they are seeking that thrill and pleasure. When issues arise in their relationships they bail, because they believe there HAS to be someone out there who is perfect without any flaws. Because relationships are supposed to be easy in their eyes. This conversation actually came up at work today so it's interesting to see other responses. The above is just my take, and sort of what happened in my last relationship (although he didn't leave me for anyone else, he just lost interest and became extremely negative and shi**y rather than speaking about what was missing for him, so I left). So yeah.. But every situation is different, and sometimes the grass IS greener for other people. My post is just generally speaking, when boredom is involved.. Which most of the time is the case. 2
Ryan_XD Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Very common and from my experiences it's more likely to happen from a woman. "Women are like monkeys swinging on vines in the forest, they'll only let go of one vine when they've got a firm grasp on the other" They'll keep you until they've got the next person firmly in their grasp and then of she goes! 1
minimariah Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 From my previous experience, it's actually been girls who are more prone to doing this than guys. my experience is very different -- it's been a lot more men who do this than women. in fact, i see one thing happen a LOT - men usually date the girl for longer period of time (couple of years) then meet someone new, dump the old girl & marry and start a family with the new girl in a record time. it usually happens in late 20ies/early30ies with guys. also, from my experience guys do a lot more blindsiding. i knwo of two women who left their partners for someone else but the relationship wad extremely bad prior to that happening. 1
Ifeelok Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 This just happened to me not to long ago. Was in a relationship for almost 5 years with my ex gf. She broke up with me back at the end of June saying she "needed to find herself" and "see who she was". she promised me it wasnt because she met another guy or anything. However later i come to find out shes dating her co worker, and celebrated their 2 month anniversary. Only took her 1 month to move on and start a relationship with him. Is it a rebound idk? but to simply move on just like that makes me believe that maybe she was hiding it for a while.
greenleaves54 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 This just happened to me not to long ago. Was in a relationship for almost 5 years with my ex gf. She broke up with me back at the end of June saying she "needed to find herself" and "see who she was". she promised me it wasnt because she met another guy or anything. However later i come to find out shes dating her co worker, and celebrated their 2 month anniversary. Only took her 1 month to move on and start a relationship with him. Is it a rebound idk? but to simply move on just like that makes me believe that maybe she was hiding it for a while. That's exactly what my ex said 1,5 months ago as well. I am pretty sure she is dating someone else right now too (Though I don't know for sure as I've blocked her everywhere, ignorance really is bliss). Unless the relationship was unhealthy or toxic I believe the reason for the break-up is in almost EVERY case that the dumper thinks they can get someone better. It's natural I suppose. We always want to trade up. Find someone with better looks/genes, higher status, money etc. But I guess our brains fool themselves half of the time? Because the new person isn't always better, are they? Maybe the urge for the love chemicals and the excitement of something new is also a factor. And if the person is young - the need to try out different people before settling down. I'm fairly sure I got way better qualities as a person than my ex's rebound got. She will never hear from me again, but it will be really interesting to see whether she tries to make contact or not.
Suruhx Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 This has just a happened to me! My ex dumped me 3 weeks ago and is already with another girl. He also denied a lot that there was someone else, but I should have trusted my gut instincts! I assume they were talking when we were together, because I believe they were together straight away. Sometimes the grass is greener, but in my heartbreak I hope it isn't
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