Chuck_Canuck Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Hello. I dunno where to start, the beginning seems so long ago. Relatively speaking. The nuts andbolts are we're both divorced parents, starting over. She's been divorced 7, no wait...9 years now. She met me when she was 7 years out. I'm 3 years out. We both have kids. Mine M-16, F-11. Hers F-12, F-10. Something happened at the end of July and I've been getting increasing anxious as time has moved on. In the beginning we talked about all those lofty ideals: Respect, Honesty, Faithfulness. Striving to achieve a connection. Which we found. Is it trite to say the deepest relationship I've ever experienced? Well even if it is cliche', that's what we believe we've found in each other. After having to give up my home, my wife, my life... everything... I found someone to restore my faith in a deep soulful connection. So, what happened? Well, its complicated. Isn't it always? Our "schedule" revolves around our kids...when we have them and when we don't. It's always been like this, and was a barrier when we first met, but one we later resolved as work schedules changed. It was good that it was a barrier at first. Right... the schedule. The Schedule essentially disctates when we can see each other. It was her idea that (and obviously I'm skipping a bunch of "stuff" here) when I dont have my kids I stay at her place, and when she doesnt have hers, she stays at mine. What could be wrong? Well, schedules change. When this year rolled around after Christmas I had my kids when she didn't have hers, it was her weekend to come up to stay at my place. Well it kinda didnt happen...the way I guess I expected it to. We got over that, after some explanation...which I had to ask for. In July...back to that... we had a bit of a disagreement via txt... we've only ever spoken by phone 3 times...txt is "our thing"... and she made a number of statements - the type she usually doesnt get into over txt (because in her words "txts are a joke"...not to be taken seriously). She said in the span of a couple minutes: 1/ I need time (which by now she has had more than ample...she was (and said) referring toa short term time 2/ This has been building for a while, we shoudl talk 3/ she didnt want to be like this with me...walking on eggshells. (Actually its me who does the walking on eggshells (she told me she doesnt really like to get involved in "drama", yet in my opinion creates much of ours, that drama for the most part is making a mountain out of a molehill). Anyways... since this txt exchange, I've been getting more anxious by the week... We're good when we're together, but when we're apart I seem to be forgotten. I've noticed changes in the txting behaviour too. They say you start seeing things when there is something to see. I had my self convinced one week that she was going to break up with me...I was actually afraid to go over to her house after work that night. What happened? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Things were as normal as they could be. How could I be so wrong about all the signs? "The signs" also included an apparent correlation between an ex-b/f of hers (someone she told me to add "because she values his input, and him as a friend". I've since found out a great deal about this "friend", we've even met as a couple, and I have a great dislike for him. In fact I don't trust him at all. He's very suggestive when he talks to her. I know they were an item, and she's told me why she stopped seeing him (can't remember what it was, but she did tell me...). In addition to these "signs" I think I'm seeing, she asked me for the key to her house back... That was the last straw to me thinking she was gonna break up. I couldn't sleep all that week. getting by on an hour or two a night. That has since abated. I was invited over to her parents for thanksgiving dinner...clearly a sign to me that she didnt have any intention of calling it quits. I get a message from her 2 days before saying that her 12YO daughter didnt want me there. She said she'd "work on her" and in the end the daughter messed her (from her fathers place) "IDC" which we took to understand was I Dont Care. Dinner was attended and all was good. Last night I was supposed to go over there and nearly at the last minute she said the younger daughter wanted to sleep with her. I can't win on that one, so I told her that was fine... I had some stuff to pick up for work so I made arrangements to come over for a tea and short visit, but not stay. while I was visiting with GF/Mom, they 12yo was constantly causing interruptions, being disruptive, hiding around the corner, not doing what she was told. We briefly talked about this, seems this was a manifestation for my benefit. And I said as much..."Is this because I'm here". She admitted it was, and it was the daughter wanting attention. Now if you spent any time with these kids you'd realize this child is probably the most me-centric person you've ever encountered. Anyways...we talked about whether this was a "problem"...and I re-iterated I didn't want to be seen as an interference in anyone life, but an added value... GF said it was all good, and not an issue. I used that as a lever to ask if there were any other issues...problems. She assured me there were none. So, I suppose I should really be thankful that things are not as dire as I had made out. Still. Something nags me. May be it's the black widow comments early on. (she said that her relationships only lasted a year...and I thought she was one of those women who put a finite limit on a relationship and then moved on for no other reason that because). I mentioned this to her after we hit the 1 year mark, and she said nope, thats not the case at all. Coming up on year 2 soon. I dunno if its he sudden realization that the one kids might torpedo things, the interference of the ex-bf...(which I can't really discuss with her, because I shouldn't have seen what I had seen...). Or maybe, I'm scared of being hurt again, after giving my all for so many years to one, to be feeling like I've become fully invensted in another. But after nearly 2 years..shouldn't I be? I honestly could type for hours about this...maybe its time to stop. I'm certain I've left holes. 1
Author Chuck_Canuck Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 I guess, whats causing my anxiety?
Disconnect Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Step away from the texting - it's clearly not working for you OP, you've had an argument on it, she said she doesn't take it seriously, and her responses are fuelling your anxiety. What really matters is how you are together. Ask her straight what she wants for the future. 1
Author Chuck_Canuck Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 Yes, I see your point. Texting is the devil someone said to me. It's ironic that the same medium she calls ludicrous is the one she was basing her responses on. We've talked (literally talked) about the future. And it is a long term commitment... sights set on years down the road. Responsibilities for kids are paramount for her. I didn't have much opportunity to get into deeper things last night with the one child acting out. Which, according to her stopped after I left. Not sure how much of that was bedtime induced though. I worry (about a lot of things) that if the kids continues to act out she (gf) may grow tired of it, and the obvious solution would be to dissolve things between us. I honestly dont see her actually doing that since her feelings for me are as strong as mine are for her, but its a scenario that I have to consider. 1
salparadise Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I'm not getting a clear idea of the timeline and a few other details. What do you mean by "someone she told me to add "because she values his input, and him as a friend?" And regarding "which I can't really discuss with her, because I shouldn't have seen what I had seen," what exactly did you see? How closely did her asking for the house key back correlate to the ex-bf entering the picture, and the other drama? Do you suspect there is more than meets the eye with this guy? What is the plan here? It's going to be eight more years before all of the kids are out on their own or off to college, and you've already been dating two years... from my perspective I'm wondering why there is no mention of marriage or a timeframe for combining households. If I were in your shoes I'd probably be thinking about bringing everybody under one roof and making it permanent, or moving on and finding someone who wants that as well. But you haven't actually said if that's what you want or not. To answer your question more directly, communication and understanding is one key to reducing the anxiety, and accepting that what will be will be, and that you can't actually control it is another. If I were in your position, and assuming you're interested in marriage and not just continuing this arrangement indefinitely, I'd start the conversation. If she's causing this anxiety by holding you at arm's length (and possibly even entertaining the ex-bf) I'd have to reassess. Two years should be enough time for both of you to understand what you want, right? 1
Author Chuck_Canuck Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 I'm not getting a clear idea of the timeline and a few other details. What do you mean by "someone she told me to add "because she values his input, and him as a friend?"Right. This happened a couple months after we started seeing each other... the "add" was add as a friend on FB. She asked me to add him, was one of her friends whom she wanted me to become friends with also. I've met him, and I dislike him. Has nothing to do with him being an ex bf... has everything to do with his suggestive attitude and innuendo. And regarding "which I can't really discuss with her, because I shouldn't have seen what I had seen," what exactly did you see? A couple txt messages. She left her phone in the car while she was out, the message played across the top of the screen. left me feeling uncomfortable. That, and another message with the same guy that my daughter came across when she used a laptop in the house my gf used to log into facebook with. We never use IE, and when it opened it opened to a message thread between the two of them. How closely did her asking for the house key back correlate to the ex-bf entering the picture, and the other drama? Do you suspect there is more than meets the eye with this guy? Didn't correlate at all, since he's always been in the picture. A confidante of hers I guess. I did at first suspect due to my own paranoia, but know otherwise now. What is the plan here? It's going to be eight more years before all of the kids are out on their own or off to college, and you've already been dating two years... from my perspective I'm wondering why there is no mention of marriage or a timeframe for combining households. We've already had these discussions. If I were in your shoes I'd probably be thinking about bringin everybody under one roof and making it permanent, or moving on and finding someone who wants that as well. But you haven't actually said if that's what you want or not. Eventually I do. I'd like to be there now, but all relationships have built in compromises. I am willing to satisfy her need to wait until the kids are a bit older. The way it works out now, I'm basically living there every other week anyways. To answer your question more directly, communication and understanding is one key to reducing the anxiety, and accepting that what will be will be, and that you can't actually control it is another. Yes. Much of my anxiety has been my mind in Runaway Mode thinking of every possible negative outcome, when none of them are anywhere near the truth. We're both adults with young kids and whether we like it or not, each of us has baggage. We support each other with that, and hopefully will learn to grow closer for doing so. Marriage is something she's said she's not interested in, and I don't specifically need that (I wasn't married to my ex, the mother of my kids, but have been married before). I'm a bit lost though understanding how to express my/our commitment level - which seems to be somewhat common.... BF/GF is a bit light weight a definition. She would agree. If I were in your position, and assuming you're interested in marriage and not just continuing this arrangement indefinitely, I'd start the conversation. If she's causing this anxiety by holding you at arm's length (and possibly even entertaining the ex-bf) I'd have to reassess. Two years should be enough time for both of you to understand what you want, right?Correct. The coversation has been started, see above.
Recommended Posts