My GF loves me one second then wants to break up the next

[Mysteryman9110]

I met her last night. I wasn't too upset, but she was depressed an emotional. Not about our relationship, but about her life. She went to see a shrink on Thursday and he seems to be helping her deal with things a lot better. She told me about how her mom and dad always argued and she never seen her mother and father show affection towards one another. She also told me that she tried to hold her mother's hand before and her mother rejected her. She cannot talk to her mother about anything because her mother does not want to admit fault. Most of her problems still from trauma she went through as a kid.

 

As a person who studied Psychology in college this is a bad mix for me. I know with all reason I should back out of this relationship. But I also want to help her . I feel a sense of obligation to give this relationship everything that I have. I do not feel comfortable calling it quits until I put everything I have into it. I would feel like a horrible person if I did not try to make this work with her to the best of my ability. I feel attracted to her but a large part of me feels sad for her. I really have a very large soft spot for people who are downtrodden or who are down.

 

It's not even a huge sexual thing either. I love her romantically, but even if she wants to end the romantic relationship I would not be too upset. I just want her to get better. I know I sound like I don't have a backbone and don't stick up for myself blah blah blah. But I feel an extremely strong sense of loyalty to people. I have never had a lot of friends in my life, but the few that I have I will do ANYTHING for. Hopefully someone out there can make sense of this..

[joseb]

As a person who studied Psychology in college this is a bad mix for me. I know with all reason I should back out of this relationship. But I also want to help her . I feel a sense of obligation to give this relationship everything that I have. I do not feel comfortable calling it quits until I put everything I have into it. I would feel like a horrible person if I did not try to make this work with her to the best of my ability. I feel attracted to her but a large part of me feels sad for her. I really have a very large soft spot for people who are downtrodden or who are down.

.

 

You sound like a fixer. You need to change. Its a bad way to live.

People in relationships like this who are fixers by nature often lose years of their life in a futile attempt to do everything just right.

 

Feeling sad for someone is no reason to stay in a relationship.

Would you want someone to stay with you out of pity???

[Downtown]

She goes from super sweet and lovely to me and tells me that she loves me to wanting to throw the relationship away over towels.... She is too unstable.

Mystery, I agree with Autumn, Jose, Expat, and Strength that you are describing many of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, hating to be alone, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and always being "The Victim" -- are BPD symptoms. Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of having strong traits of BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

As a person who studied Psychology in college this is a bad mix for me.

Given your background in psych, you likely know that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

It's like this wave comes over her and she changes to a different person.

You are describing emotionally unstable behavior, wherein the person changes from Jekyll to Hyde. Statistically, the most common causes for this are a strong hormone change (e.g., puberty, PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause) and drug abuse. Because you've mentioned no problems with hormones or drugs, I note that the remaining two common causes of instability are bipolar disorder and BPD.

 

Significantly, with rare exception, that "wave" of mood change typically takes a week or two to develop with bipolar because the underlying cause is a gradual change in body chemistry. In contrast, you are describing rapid mood flips -- which may occur in only ten seconds because they are triggered by an event. These rapid event-triggered flips are characteristic of BPD mood changes, where it will seem like the person has flipped a switch in her mind.

 

She is SUPER sensitive.

Again, this is another hallmark of BPDers (i.e., people having strong BPD traits). Because a BPDer cannot manage her own emotions, she frequently experiences very intense feelings. At you must already know, whenever a human being experiences intense feelings, her judgment goes out the window and her perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations becomes distorted. She therefore will perceive insults and slights where they don't even exist. And, whenever you are angry, you will do the same.

 

On top of that, a BPDer carries enormous shame and self loathing from early childhood. Because she hates most aspects of herself, she is inclined to believe that other people will eventually discover those flaws and make fun of them.

 

I have slept with a lot of women, but she is the first woman that I have ever said " I love you " and meant it.

BPDers are VERY EASY to fall in love with. This is especially true for caregivers like you and me. Our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). We therefore walk right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING) until we find one who desperately needs us. The result is that we can spot a BPDer across a crowded room because BPDers are masters at projecting vulnerability, which is "catnip" to us.

 

Indeed, most people are attracted to those exhibiting a childlike warmth of expression and vulnerability. It therefore is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both suffered from full-blown BPD (if their biographers are correct).

 

I feel a sense of obligation to give this relationship everything that I have. I do not feel comfortable calling it quits until I put everything I have into it.

That is an admirable attitude. I'm the same way. Yet, if she is a BPDer, you almost certainly have NOTHING "to give." On the contrary, you likely will harm her by enabling her to continue acting like a spoiled child and GETTING AWAY WITH IT. What is needed, for her own well being, is that she be held fully accountable for her own bad choices.

 

This means you have to establish strong personal boundaries and allow her to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad behavior. Yet, if you do that with a BPDer, she will terminate your relationship. She will tolerate the relationship only as long as you continue walking on eggshells, an enabling behavior that harms her.

 

I have never had a lot of friends in my life, but the few that I have I will do ANYTHING for.

If you really mean that literally, your attitude is unhealthy and you should speak with a professional about it. It is important that your love for yourself (and, eventually, for your children) exceed that you have for friends. Until a person is able to strongly love and trust himself, he is unable to do these things in a mature way toward others.

 

As long as you have this "I will do ANYTHING" attitude, you are going to find yourself in a train wreck as soon as you date a high functioning BPDer. She will be a bottomless pit of need and, instead of seeking solutions, she will seek only drama. Trying to meet her needs will be as futile as trying to fill up the Grand Canyon using a squirt gun.

 

I just want her to get better. I know I sound like I don't have a backbone and don't stick up for myself blah blah blah.

No, it doesn't sound that way at all. As Jose explained, it sounds like you "are a fixer." If so, you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver like me. My experience is that we caregivers are strong folks who have no backbone problems.

 

Yet, as Jose explains, we can waste many years of our lives trying "to fix" people who can only fix themselves. If your GF is a BPDer, a team of psychologists cannot fix her. She must be willing to do that herself because the "fixing" is strictly an inside job. She must learn how to replace her primitive ego defenses with more mature defenses that the rest of learned in childhood. It is a task that, in therapy like CBT or DBT, likely will take several years before you would see real, lasting progress. Sadly, it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength required to be willing to do that.

 

This is not to say, however, that you won't see dramatic improvements while your GF is in therapy. Like a smoker who is always "quitting" and "throwing away the last pack" every six weeks, a high functioning BPDer usually will be seen dramatically "improving" periodically. This is the way emotionally unstable people routinely behave. But what you're usually seeing is not a lasting change but, rather, one more upswing in the unending roller coaster ride.

 

At to helping a BPDer with therapy, I note that I spent a small fortune taking my exW to six different psychologists and three MCs. I did this nearly every week for 15 years, at enormous cost to me and my insurance carrier. Yet, because my exW only played mind games with the therapists, it did not make a dent in her BPD symptoms. Not even a dent.

 

Hopefully someone out there can make sense of this.

None of us can diagnose your GF's issues. What we can do, however, is tell you that you're describing behaviors that are classic red flags for BPD. Indeed, five of us have said that. But, because we've never met your GF, we cannot tell you whether those warning signs are strong and persistent. You are the person best positioned to make that judgment.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although you should be capable of spotting strong BPD warning signs whenever they occur, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid wasting 15 years (as I did) on trying to help your GF and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Autumn, Jose, Expat, Strength, and other members in discussing them with you. Take care, Mystery.

[StBreton]

Great post Downtown

 

Katiegrl you called it that OP is not ready to hear the message. Sorry OP for stating the obvious ...even though you seem to be aware of this tendency and make excuses for it. I'll keep this short as others have weighed on the situation very well ...but I'll add that the "fixer" personality you appear to have I believe to actually be a co-dependent personality ... if I were you I'd rethink staying ...you might find yourself in so deep later on that you can't exit ...or when you do you'll spend years getting yourself emotionally healthy again. You seem like a storm chaser.

 

I dated a guy last year who had traits like your friend ...he had huffy tendencies and would rage ... after 2 months he let out who he really was. I wouldn't have dated him at all if I had seen this upfront ...he agreed to get help /therapy ...was put on 2 meds ...and begged me to give him a few months to get better. I did that then realized he just wasn't going to change ...it was too deep ... And left the relationship. I don't have time or energy in my life for that crazy business. I cared for him so deeply ...but that was for the person I thought he was ...

 

My point in relaying my experience OP is to show you what emotionally healthy people do. I cared for this person so much but have boundaries to protect myself. I can't fix this person and have no desire whatsoever to.

Edited October 17, 2015 by StBreton

[GemmaUK]

I don't think she is BP.

 

I think she has ended up in a RS with someone who is quick tempered (as you say you are) and this is all an effect of that.

She needs out.

You scolded her? Really?

Quick tempered and scolding and no wonder she won't speak up over little things.

 

And after a minor procedure you can't wash your own face?

My Dad was washing his own face and hands while he was in intensive care on a life support machine!!!

 

And if you don't want to go shopping for towels or whatever you just don't go. Making her feel bad if you get in a rubbish mood over it is guilt tripping. That is abuse.

Edited October 17, 2015 by GemmaUK

[mystikmind2005]

I don't think she is BP.

 

I think she has ended up in a RS with someone who is quick tempered (as you say you are) and this is all an effect of that.

She needs out.

You scolded her? Really?

Quick tempered and scolding and no wonder she won't speak up over little things.

 

And after a minor procedure you can't wash your own face?

My Dad was washing his own face and hands while he was in intensive care on a life support machine!!!

 

And if you don't want to go shopping for towels or whatever you just don't go. Making her feel bad if you get in a rubbish mood over it is guilt tripping. That is abuse.

 

Never a bad idea for doing some self reflection, but it is very easy to get trapped in that kind of self blame with a woman like this.... keep it balanced!

 

But yes, often the best way to change your partner is to change yourself, and the best way to know if the relationship has a future is to build your own self esteem, and love yourself, that will help you see what you need to do.

[Mrlonelyone]

She broke up with you while you were in the hospital, and breaks up over small things.

 

Unless your being "quick tempered" includes verbal abuse or hitting her then nothing would justify that.

 

A woman who is a keeper would want to nurse you back to health. A man in that situation would want the same thing. The most ancient thing a partner could do for us going back to the time of stone tools is take care of a temporarily disabled partner.

[Mysteryman9110]

Thanks for all the feedback. I texted her earlier tonight. ( I shouldn't have done that I know ) . She still seemed sad and I have been pretty happy the last few days but I really missed her tonight for some reason and I caved and texted her.

 

Anyways, she said that I was her first love, but she doesn't think that she can handle the stress of the relationship. I said that I love her a lot and she told me that she thinks I love her more than she loves me, but that she does love me. It kinda hurt a lot to hear this from her but it really hit home with me. Maybe she just isn't as into me as I am into her and is more willing to quit the relationship over tiny things. She has said similar things before but a week or so later everything normally goes right back to normal and we get back together like nothing happened.