Mysteryman9110 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Hello everyone. I could use some advice. I am living in South Korea and I have been dating a Korean woman for the past year. During this time we have gotten along really well except for a few strange incidents. My girlfriend has broken up with me two times in the past year. The first time she complained that I was too quick tempered and that my apartment was too dirty. The second time I was in the hospital because my appendix had ruptured. She was really on me about cleaning my face. She was definitely right about all of that. I have a very easy going attitude and can be a bit too lax on some things that I should be taken care of. Anyways, the issue is that she NEVER indicates that things are bothering her until she says she wants to break up. The other day we were shopping for her towels and slippers and she got mad at me because I was tired and she thought I had a bad attitude, but I volunteered to go with her. I love being with her, but I just couldn't get excited about towels. My girlfriend is a dentist and Korea can be extremely strict society. She sometimes does not like to speak to me for fear that she may be misunderstood. Her English is fine but I have explained to her that miscommunication happens and that she needs to be more willing to go out on a limb. Her desire to be perfect stems from her childhood. Her mother is EXTREMELY controlling of her and does not like me because I don't make enough money. My girlfriend was on meds about 10 years ago but stopped because her sister made fun of her ( Meds like that are extremely taboo in Korea ) . My gf also told me that her brother in law washes the dishes for 3 hours every time because he is so fearful of germs. So yeah.. My gf has been seeing a therapist and is back on meds. I really love her and I want to be with her but she goes from super sweet and lovely to me and tells me that she loves me to wanting to throw the relationship away over towels. It's like this wave comes over her and she changes to a different person. She is still talking to me through text but she says she isn't sure about me and wants space. I know that is a lot to take in. But please realize I really love my girlfriend and I have never felt this way about anyone before. I want to work out our problems.
Maggie4 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 how do you usually get back together after she breaks up with you?
Author Mysteryman9110 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 how do you usually get back together after she breaks up with you? The last time we had a very serious talk. That's when she told me about the medication. She told me that she gets depressed. Some of my friends also told me that they get a very negative vibe from her that I can kinda see what they mean now. She has also called me at night crying because her friend thinks she should get married soon. So issues like that have popped up every now and then that have made me a little bit worried about her emotional state. The last time we got together she started crying and said that I cured her depression ( Which obviously wasn't true ) . Ever since then I ask her all the time if anything is bothering her. But its the same pattern. She says nothing is bothering her then all of a sudden she gets depressed and wants to break up and mentions things that happened in the past that were bothering her.
katiegrl Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 Anyone have any advice? Yes but probably NOT what you want to hear........ nor will you listen to, so I will refrain. Perhaps others can help.... certain times on this board are busier/slower than other times. Be patient.... responses will come.
Author Mysteryman9110 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Yes but probably NOT what you want to hear........ nor will you listen to, so I will refrain. Not true at all. I welcome all input as long as whoever is writing is doing so with the intention of being honest and truthful. I mean not want to hear it but I welcome it.
autumnnight Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 Honest opinion: She sounds immature, manipulative, and drama-driven. Depending on how extreme it is, I even thought of Borderline personality, and I NEVER do that. I think you need to draw some boundaries. The next time she swings like a pendulum and leaves....let her go. She need to do some work on herself. 4
Ami1uwant Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I understand it's a very reserved society thus you get more passive aggressive problems. You need to work on communication where she informs you of problems when they occur.
Maggie4 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I asked how you make up because I don't know if she's serious about the break ups or just trying to get your attention and being immature. From your answer she sounds like she has more serious psychological issues.
Author Mysteryman9110 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I understand it's a very reserved society thus you get more passive aggressive problems. You need to work on communication where she informs you of problems when they occur. Exactly! I have told her this exact same thing. I ask her if she is feeling stressed all the time but she never wants to tell me. The culture is very conservative and the people are not quite as bold as westerners so they are definitely more afraid to speak their mind. She said that she doesn't want me to misunderstand when she expresses her discomfort, but she does the same things to her mom. I noticed when she got into an argument with her mother instead of telling her what was wrong she chose to just ignore her moms messages. When I speak to her about this she claims it is a language issue, but her English level is quite high. If she tells me whenever she feels stressed I think we can work it out. But she bottles a bunch of tiny little annoyances that would be easily fixed and lets them fester. I'm also a foreigner and her mother doesn't like me, so that is not exactly helping my chances either.
katiegrl Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) My girlfriend has broken up with me two times in the past year. The first time she complained that I was too quick tempered and that my apartment was too dirty. The second time I was in the hospital because my appendix had ruptured. She was really on me about cleaning my face. . Just wanted to say that I find this deplorable and unacceptable. Frankly unforgiveable! Any girl who would break up with her boyfriend while he's in the hospital recovering from a ruptured appendix....because of something so stupid like he doesn't wash his face..... is selfish, heartless, insensitive, and CRUEL. Nevermind just plain ole f*cked up in the head...it's cruel! Good gawd, what are you thinking??? My advice is to grow a pair and dump her. Whatever she's feeling, trust me it's NOT love. Sorry. Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl 3
Author Mysteryman9110 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I asked how you make up because I don't know if she's serious about the break ups or just trying to get your attention and being immature. From your answer she sounds like she has more serious psychological issues. Yes. I think so too. I have a BA. In Psychology, so I am by no means an expert, but I do have sympathy for her. In modern society there is still a stigma against these kind of mental problems. If a child were born with a physical deformity we would not make fun of him or her ( hopefully! ) Yet so many people with serious psychological defects as the result of genetics, or bad environment often get chalked to to someone being weak minded or a bad person. Someone with a psychological problem is no different in my mind than someone who has cancer. I guess what I am trying to say is that I really love her and I want to help her. My concern for the relationship is not that great. To be honest my single life was pretty good. I'm a foreigner in a foreign country. It's not a bad way to spend the single life. But I love her even if she isn't with me and wants to meet someone else. I am concerned for her and I want her to be happy and the relationship is secondary to that.
Author Mysteryman9110 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Just wanted to say that I find this deplorable and unacceptable. Frankly unforgiveable! Any girl who would break up with her boyfriend while he's in the hospital recovering from a ruptured appendix....because of something so stupid like he doesn't wash his face..... is selfish, heartless, insensitive, and CRUEL. Nevermind just plain ole f*cked up in the head...it's cruel! Good gawd, what are you thinking??? My advice is to grow a pair and dump her. Whatever she's feeling, trust me it's NOT love. Sorry. No need to be sorry if that is how you really feel. I appreciate the feedback. I perhaps did not go into enough detail. I was quite snappy at her. I was waking her up in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed etc. She had only known me for about 6 months at that point and she stayed with me in the hospital. I was very irritable and I think that she felt rejected when I scolded her for trying to be too anal about cleaning. I completely understood why she felt that way. It wasn't necessarily about the cleaning, but I think that she felt that I wasn't appreciative of her. She is SUPER sensitive. She tends to take even something I see as minor such as " Most people don't need to wash their face 2 times a day when they have been in bed all day " as a serious insult when I am just trying to make a point to her.
katiegrl Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) No need to be sorry if that is how you really feel. I appreciate the feedback. I perhaps did not go into enough detail. I was quite snappy at her. I was waking her up in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed etc. She had only known me for about 6 months at that point and she stayed with me in the hospital. I was very irritable and I think that she felt rejected when I scolded her for trying to be too anal about cleaning. I completely understood why she felt that way. It wasn't necessarily about the cleaning, but I think that she felt that I wasn't appreciative of her. She is SUPER sensitive. She tends to take even something I see as minor such as " Most people don't need to wash their face 2 times a day when they have been in bed all day " as a serious insult when I am just trying to make a point to her. Is this post for real? If so, it's worse than I thought! When my now-fiancé was in the hospital (for MINOR surgery) and couldn't get out of bed, I took a washcloth and washed his face for him!! THAT is what a caring, sensitive, LOVING compassionate girlfriend does.... NOT break up with him! Sheesh. And did she realize how serious a ruptured appendix is -- that you could have died? I have a nursing degree, and it's VERY serious. But you know that, don't you. Perhaps you should have informed her... I have no idea why you are defending her deplorable and selfish actions, SHE chose to stay with you, and being that you were recovering from a ruptured appendix which could have killed you for chrissakes (it's called pancreatitis), of course you were bound to be a little irritable and snippy, ANYONE would be if that situation. Hell, you needed her help! Again, a caring, LOVING, sensitive girlfriend would have been HAPPY to help you! NOT get upset with you and break up with you because you "snapped" at her for being totally ridiculous about not washing your damn face. That has gotta be one of the most effed up things I have ever read on this board.... No she's not super sensitive -- she is super SELF-CENTERED. Big difference there. Anyway, I told you you were't gonna want to hear it.... nor listen to it....so carry on -- I wish you luck, hope it works out. Edited October 15, 2015 by katiegrl 3
mystikmind2005 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 You have to decide what you want going forward? If you desire a long term relationship leading to marriage and children then she is not the one for you. You cannot build something solid on shifting sand, i cannot emphasize this enough 2
Author Mysteryman9110 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 I guess I have not wanted to see how self centered she can be sometimes. When I was in the hospital she did not want to break up with me, but I could see that she was really upset and depressed and then she told me. I guess I really have been trying to make a lot of excuses for her. When we got back together the last time I made some changes in my life, but come to think of it I'm not sure she even apologized or admitted any fault for anything. When we got into the fight over the shopping she said that she goes with me to look at things that I like and doesn't complain. But she does have many moments where she has a negative energy around her. I told her if she doesn't want to do something she should tell me. But she bottles that stuff in and then gets mad when I don't bottle it in too. I'm pretty expressive with my emotions ( to a fault ) and she isn't. She has claimed that I get angry too easily, but I think I am much more comfortable in expressing what I really feel instead of holding it in. After all this I'm sure I don't want to have children with her. She is too unstable for that. I just want to date her and get to know her. I don't want to marry her. I just want to see her, have sexy time and enjoy her company during those moments when she isn't acting loopy.
joseb Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 What are the meds for? She sounds like she might have 'a touch' of BPD - quickly flipping like that is classic. OP, why are you still with her? What is she bringing to the relationship? Please don't answer with something trite like 'but i love her', sorry I want a real reason. It sounds like Korea would be a great place to be a single western guy. Why put up with someone who treats you like this? I really don't think you can use the culture to excuse her behaviour at all. As Katie said, grow a pair and dump her. OR Grow a pair and stop taking her crap. Next time she wants to go shopping for towels, and you don't want to, let her off and do your own thing. Next time she calls you late at night trying to emotionally manipulate you, let her know you wont put up with it.
Author Mysteryman9110 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 What are the meds for? She sounds like she might have 'a touch' of BPD - quickly flipping like that is classic. OP, why are you still with her? What is she bringing to the relationship? Please don't answer with something trite like 'but i love her', sorry I want a real reason. It sounds like Korea would be a great place to be a single western guy. Why put up with someone who treats you like this? I really don't think you can use the culture to excuse her behaviour at all. As Katie said, grow a pair and dump her. OR Grow a pair and stop taking her crap. Next time she wants to go shopping for towels, and you don't want to, let her off and do your own thing. Next time she calls you late at night trying to emotionally manipulate you, let her know you wont put up with it. I'm not sure what the meds are for. I assumed it was to fix some sort of depression issue. To be honest a big reason why I am with her is because of the language barrier and she does make my life a lot easier. I am not using her, but it is so comforting having her around and be my buffer between myself and the culture shock that comes along with living in a foreign country. She has helped me see places and do things here that I would not have access to if I didn't know her. I have Korean friends but this is a different situation. She is almost always available and we go on trips together etc. She only works 2 times a week so she has a pretty open schedule. I also like that she is very creative. She loves to draw and play music. She isn't into superficial things and says that she doesn't mind living in a small house. I have seen some women out in public taking 20 selfies of themselves before dinner arrives. My gf rarely checks her phone when she is with me and things like that go a long long way with me. She just seemed very interesting and different.
mystikmind2005 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 What are the meds for? She sounds like she might have 'a touch' of BPD - quickly flipping like that is classic. OP, why are you still with her? What is she bringing to the relationship? Please don't answer with something trite like 'but i love her', sorry I want a real reason. It sounds like Korea would be a great place to be a single western guy. Why put up with someone who treats you like this? I really don't think you can use the culture to excuse her behaviour at all. As Katie said, grow a pair and dump her. OR Grow a pair and stop taking her crap. Next time she wants to go shopping for towels, and you don't want to, let her off and do your own thing. Next time she calls you late at night trying to emotionally manipulate you, let her know you wont put up with it. not bad advice.... A good way to break up with someone is to simply stand up for yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Highly unlikely she will change and simply break up with you,,, all good, nothing to lose in trying tho.
Author Mysteryman9110 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Well, more mixed messages. She first told me that she wants her space, but then she texted me wanting to meet up. I told her that I wanted some alone time. She said she isn't sure about me and wants to live alone for a while and I said that it is okay but I don't really want to be with someone if they don't want to be with me. I told her that I will give her space and If I don't hear from her in a few weeks I will move on completely. No more than a day later and she just texted me wanting to meet up. We are both in our 30's and this is some high school level drama. She says one thing one minute and the next its something completely different. I'd actually be fine with either, but this wishy washy drama is what I don't like.
Maggie4 Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 I don't know how much you've dated previously. A lot of women of all cultures have these faults, but she is kind of on turbo. There's nagging, blaming you, breaking up, drama, mixed messages, crying, then sucks you back in and start all over again. From the Korean women I know, they are very expressive, sometimes short tempered. What you call bottling in and letting things fester, could simply be a lack of self-awareness. She can't sort out her own feelings, so it comes out as raw emotion in an inappropriate context. There is probably some ongoing dissatisfaction with having this relationship. Maybe her mother's disapproval is always on her mind, so she is always unsure about you. I don't think it's going to work out. 1
Author Mysteryman9110 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Posted October 15, 2015 Gotta be honest, I have slept with a lot of women, but she is the first woman that I have ever said " I love you " and meant it.
Yksik Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 Sounds very familiar... I had a relationship like that and he left me like 5 times and we came back together 4 times (he came back to me). It doesn't work out with a person like that... But if you love her then it doesn't matter what any of us say here... At least for me it didn't matter what my friends and family said , when I took him back 4 times I should've end it sooner but I was in too deep ... Now after 10 months of NC I know I wouldn't take him back , I deserve better and there is no "one and only" ... My advice is to walk away, if you feel you can... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 It's interesting for me to read this because we have similar experiences. Allow me to elaborate: I also live abroad; I'm Canadian and I moved to Italy almost 3 years ago. I didn't know the language or the culture or a single soul when I arrived in Rome. One of the first people I met became my (now-ex) boyfriend. He is Italian-born and bred, but fluent in English and helped me navigate my new life here, helped me learn to speak Italian and generally really did assist me greatly. I very much understand where you're coming from on that. It was great having someone around who could introduce me to my new country and be relied upon for help with day-to-day life (setting up a bank account, obtaining my work permit, etc.) and bring me into his family. He helped me adjust and lessened culture shock and homesickness tremendously. And he is also one of the most unstable people I have ever met. Ever. I had no idea what I was getting into. Like your girlfriend, he flipped moods unpredictably and very dramatically. One minute he loved me, the next minute he was raging and pushing me out of his life. One minute he wanted to see me, the next minute he was driving me home over some perceived slight while I scratched my head wondering just what the hell had happened. I came to discover that he had been diagnosed with BPD a few years ago but wasn't in regular treatment. I cannot say that is what your girlfriend suffers from, but let me assure you that the mark it leaves on their loved one can be extremely painful. This goes for any emotional instability over a sustained period of time. I am giving only a very general picture of what life was like with him. I had a hard time letting go partly because he had been such a helpful person and I admit I was afraid of how I was going to cope here in a new country without him. But you know what? I did and I grew a lot. I learned to rely on myself and integrate more into the culture, make new friends (both locals and other expats) improve my proficiency in Italian - without him. And it was honestly one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've since met a wonderful man (another Italian) who is such a kind and thoughtful and loving person. But I came into it knowing I deserved more than hot-cold treatment and believing I could be self-sufficient. That was huge for me. I very strongly recommend you consider letting her go; she isn't in a healthy place to be in a relationship right now and you will be just fine. 3
Strength in Healing Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 You've bagged yourself a borderline (BPD)! Been there. I know how that is lol I laugh but really that is a very draining destructive situation. Run.
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