notsurewhy Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Since my break up a few months ago, I've gone full no contact and have made a new group of friends. We go out for happy hour every Friday. A few weeks ago I met up with I guess you could call him a friend that I haven't talked to in years at one of the happy hours. We got to talking and eventually commiserating about our recent break ups. I had no idea he was going through the same things as me. Chalk that up to not talking or seeing each other for years. As I listened to his story, it sounded a little like my own. But there were some differences and that is what intrigued me. With his permission I am reaching out to this community for feedback and to possibly confirm what I think is going on there. I really want to help this guy. Not sure why. I have heard that there is healing for oneself in helping others in similar situations. So here is what I know and what I think. You may need a little background here. My friend has had it a little tough over the past year. He has had to deal with an untimely death in his family, he is or was experiencing job and financial issues. From what I remember of him he is extremely intelligent (MENSA range IQ), but also kind of shy and I think that led to some self confidence issues. Over all I think he could be classified as an underachiever. He was just blindsided by her breaking up with him. She never actually said she was breaking up. And she also did everything through text. He tells me that although the relationship was only about 6 months old, they both seemed to have a great connection and chemistry. There was even talk of marriage, albeit in passing. Her reasons for breaking up always seemed to be changing. She fed him the classic we can still be friends line. Of course we know that never works out that way. He recently found out that she is seeing another man. She unfriended him on Facebook, but claims she hit the wrong button and just wanted to unfollow his news-feed. But he was told by some mutual friends about the new relationship. He tells me she has updated her relationship status with this new guy. Something she never did with him. He suspects that they were communicating with each other before she broke up. I know of both his ex and the guy she is seeing. I don't know them, just who they are and kind of who their friends are. Apparently they used to date many years ago. It should be noted that all involved here are over the age of 40. She is a clinical social worker at a hospital. He is some sort of writer. (Isn't it great how you can find stuff out just by asking. People love to gossip.) Here is my take on them. I used to work in law enforcement so I can size people up pretty quickly. I don't really care for the guy. Something seems very fake and not quite right about him. What comes ti mind when I see him or picture is "con man" he's got that look. Back in the day we called them a "slicky boy" I've dealt with a lot of drug dealers, so same look. She just seems a little out there, kind of like she really doesn't know who she is. She is into a lot of different spiritual things. My friend tells me that when he met her she wasn't at all into sports, but after they were together for a while she became an avid baseball fan because he was. Now she seems to be into NASCAR, because her new guy is. Can anyone say chameleon? I was asked my advice and I told my friend first to start no contact and work on himself. He actually was already doing that. He tells me he has a job but not what he wanted. It is a job though and a start. He also tells me that he is looking for a second job to pay down his debt, he is taking classes at the community college at night, and he is working on one of his bucket list items, training to compete in a triathlon next summer. He also tells me that he has an interview for the job he thinks he is supposed to have at the exact place he is supposed to work. Overall I think he is doing well. I keep encouraging him. I think he realizes his underachiever status and is working to break free from that. I'm curious as to whether his ex's situation would be classified as a "rebound" or as "the grass is greener"? I'm thinking grass is greener based on a few things. 1. She blindsided him 2. Her excuses (reasons) kept changing 3. She knew her new guy before. 4. My friends Job issues 5. My friends financial issues I feel she was getting really serious about my friend and because of his current issues started to have doubts about him in the long term. I think she probably listened to some "friends" advice also. Somewhere this new guy shows up in her life again. Not sure who contacted who there. She may have been a little confused and took someone's advice. She picked what looked good now in place of what might be with my friend. (Note: from what I've seen and heard over the past weeks of my friend, even though he is going through some stuff, he isn't and has never given up on himself.) So I think she is picking wrong. But who knows. I've heard that people in the mental health field have more mental issues that any other profession. So maybe she is "not quite there" to make the right decision. He's not sure if he even wants her back. He is working hard to better himself. And I applaud him for that. He did mention that he was going to "prove" to here that she made a mistake. I'm not sure that's healthy, but it does give him a whole lot of motivation to improve. Also I've heard that the grass is greener usually happens in younger people like in their 20's. Can it happen to us midlifers? And what are the chances of this "new" relationship lasting? Or is this just a "rebound thing" for her? That's all i know. I think my friend will be okay. Just curious about the whole situation as it is a bit unique and interesting. I'm looking forward to everyones comment, opinions and thoughts.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I think you and your friend are over-complicating and over-analyzing it. It sounds like she fell out of love and is infatuated with the new guy, so is adapting to his interests and wants to please him. Wise idea? No. But it's not uncommon. To be fair, if your friend and this woman were only together for 6 months, he doesn't know her all that deeply either. I also think you are making some uninformed and sweeping generalizations, based on appearances and her profession. It doesn't sound as though you really know either of them, on a personal level. Your opinions seem to be based on their "look" or heresay, which also would mean you're not exactly in a position to determine whether this woman made the wrong choice. I think this woman probably just realized your friend isn't a match for her. That's all.
mightycpa Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 What difference does it make? Is there an answer that will make him feel good? If so, tell him that. If nothing will make him feel better, tell him the truth. She found this guy, and liked him then, and likes him again now. Not surprising... people change, but their personalities do not. In time, she'll begin to remember the things she didn't like about him and him about her. But the reason might as well be because the sky is blue; because that ain't going to change things either. Having once been in law enforcement, you can probably relate. You've heard a million excuses, right? Well, it probably doesn't really matter WHY your perp robbed the bank, only that he did it. Same thing is going on here.
Author notsurewhy Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 I think you and your friend are over-complicating and over-analyzing it. It sounds like she fell out of love and is infatuated with the new guy, so is adapting to his interests and wants to please him. Wise idea? No. But it's not uncommon. To be fair, if your friend and this woman were only together for 6 months, he doesn't know her all that deeply either. I also think you are making some uninformed and sweeping generalizations, based on appearances and her profession. It doesn't sound as though you really know either of them, on a personal level. Your opinions seem to be based on their "look" or heresay, which also would mean you're not exactly in a position to determine whether this woman made the wrong choice. I think this woman probably just realized your friend isn't a match for her. That's all. With over 20 years in Law enforcement I have acquired the ability to read people. I do know her through acquaintances She seemed a bit overly friendly. Like she needs everyone to like her. Him on the other hand I did meet once and took and something about him just didn't sit well with me. Like I said 20 years in Law Enforcement it becomes almost instinct to be able to read people and know what they are about. And I, unfortunately for this case, am usually not wrong. I feel in this case she just decided to "trade up" and didn't have the decency to tell the poor guy. The fact that my friend is trying to improve himself all around says a lot about his heart. Even if he is doing it to prove something or just to piss her off the end result will end up as a plus for him.
Author notsurewhy Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 What difference does it make? Is there an answer that will make him feel good? If so, tell him that. If nothing will make him feel better, tell him the truth. She found this guy, and liked him then, and likes him again now. Not surprising... people change, but their personalities do not. In time, she'll begin to remember the things she didn't like about him and him about her. But the reason might as well be because the sky is blue; because that ain't going to change things either. Having once been in law enforcement, you can probably relate. You've heard a million excuses, right? Well, it probably doesn't really matter WHY your perp robbed the bank, only that he did it. Same thing is going on here. Yes being in Law Enforcement I can relate. But that also makes be curious. I like to solve the mystery. Like I said in another post, I think she wanted to trade up and wasn't decent enough to tell him. His improving himself and living a happy life for all to see will ultimately be the best revenge he could ever take.
mightycpa Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I don't believe in up or down. It's all about whether it fits well or doesn't, not about whether it is a Medium or a Large. Up or down, we all have problems.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) With over 20 years in Law enforcement I have acquired the ability to read people. I do know her through acquaintances She seemed a bit overly friendly. Like she needs everyone to like her. Him on the other hand I did meet once and took and something about him just didn't sit well with me. Like I said 20 years in Law Enforcement it becomes almost instinct to be able to read people and know what they are about. And I, unfortunately for this case, am usually not wrong. I feel in this case she just decided to "trade up" and didn't have the decency to tell the poor guy. The fact that my friend is trying to improve himself all around says a lot about his heart. Even if he is doing it to prove something or just to piss her off the end result will end up as a plus for him. So the bottom line is still the same: you don't really know these people either. Hearing about them through acquaintances and one meeting doesn't equate having real knowledge of them. And you certainly don't know the dynamic between your friend and this woman, nor between her and the new man. I don't mean to discredit your experience, but I also don't think it's entirely relevant in this scenario. But why on earth would a woman tell a man she is trading up? What benefit would that serve him? She ended it when she knew she wasn't into it. I think you're on the right track by encouraging your friend to go No Contact and improve himself. Trying to analyze why she left is a bit of a waste of energy beyond that and doesn't help your friend. Edited October 15, 2015 by ExpatInItaly
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