Husband having sex with wife while she sleeps

[BetrayedH]

Here's the thing....

 

Regardless of who loves sleep sex...THIS happened without her knowledge or consent. They were not in the habit of having sleep sex, they are separated, they are in separate rooms and....

 

she is not okay with it

 

I do not see the relevance of what other people did in their marriage. This is NOT a norm for them and she feels violated.

 

Pressing charges is a bit much, but really? Just because Thelma Lou does it, this separated wife should be fine with it?

 

I think calling it rape is a bit dramatic, but I am kind of having a hard time wrapping my head around everyone trying to convince the OP she should be okay with it and giving out personal sex anecdotes.

 

If, when I was separated, my stbx had come to my room and mounted my while I was asleep....it would NOT have been ok, and I was in a sex starved marriage.

 

I hear you. And I'm not making a judgment here - just offering a possible alternate perspective for the OP to consider. That's why I asked some questions. It appears that the OP is keeping her cards about the divorce pretty close to her chest (perhaps for good reason). But if the H is completely in the dark about her intentions to divorce and it's not clear that they're separated and ceasing to have sex forevermore, then maybe this is just a bumbling attempt by a man to initiate sex with his wife.

[privategal]

Talk to him more about it. Your seperating, not enemies.

You were married all these years, intimate, birthing children.

He might be really lonely and to be blunt horny and climbed into bed maybe even thinking you missed intimacy too and tried to seduce you to awaken...you may have moaned in a half sleep and he felt a green light.

Hes not some guy your dating who took a liberty hes still your husband and you dont have to jump to assault/rape in my humble opinion unless you clearly believe that was the intent.

A pending divorce doesn't have to be bitter or mean zero communication. It can be amicable. He may even still love you.

Im sure this is a horribly ackward situation but he may not be able to express how he's feeling or his needs or know what to do. But my gut says a man would never assume his wife would say rape...he may have even thought you'd been angry kr felt pushed away because he never attempted intimacy anymore.

I think as coparents you should talk and attempt to part amicably and communicate honestly.

[Clockwork]

When a man is that horny and his wife is right next to him, or in this case the next room, it is totally understandable to sneak into her room and proposition her, even if you are going through problems. So my guess is he thought you were awake enough to know what was going on.

 

 

I know that the odd time I wake up horny in the middle of the night and roll over to poke my wife despite how horny I am I still want her to be awake enough to know what is going on. No one wants to have sex with a corpse................I don't think.

[Popsicle]

Everyone is different but I don't really see this as a big deal.

[Got it]

I certainly am not saying what her husband did is ok. She needs to make sure he understands her expectations...and she needs to lock the damn door to her bedroom.

 

pressing charges? No proof... she cleaned herself up afterwards...his word against hers. Won't happen...

 

If she thought it was rape she should have taken herself directly to an emergency room....pressed charges ...had a rape kit and pictures taken.

 

she did not....she did not think it was rape. It is others here who have stated it was rape...and it really does not matter what the rest of us think....it matters what she thinks....and not once did the girl say RAPE in her story.

 

Obviously apparently rape discussion needs a whole other thread since the above is the assumed perception of rape and how rape should be handled and it is the continuing myths. Many do wash immediately, are afraid to say anything, second guess themselves, etc. Most do not immediately rush themselves to the ER and confidently report it no matter how black and white it seems to be.

 

Ugh, I hate the misconceptions around rape and the victim's responsibility on it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Got it...my only point is this

IF this woman thought she was raped...she would have said so.

No where in this "story" has this woman said...he raped me.

Everyone else has said he raped her...but she hasn't.

 

Does she feel she was raped? I don't know. If she does should she pursue it legally?....absolutely.

Should she try to protect herself?....YES

 

I find we all tend to jump to conclusions and analyze things without having all the facts.....

 

The fact in this story...the woman has not cried rape. Is that a misconception?

 

and you are right....rape should be discussed in another thread.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Everyone is different but I don't really see this as a big deal.

 

Seriously?

 

So you think it's perfectly acceptable to wake up in the middle of your sleep to find your estranged husband, whose been sleeping in another bed in another room, with whom you have not been intimate with for many months, who you are about to divorce having sex with you without your consent????

 

Come on.

 

I agree that calling it rape is taking it way too far but to shrug your shoulders and say "it's not a big deal" seems a bit crazy to me. We're NOT talking about consensual sex or the kind of sex where our partners wake us in the middle of night for some lovemaking. I mean, who doesn't love that? What happened to the OP is a big deal. And it appears the OP thinks so as well.

[autumnnight]

But the law is black or white and in this case...she not only thinks he did not rape her...she can't prove it.

 

Many here have jumped to the conclusion that this man raped his wife. It does not matter what we think....

 

What does SHE think???????

 

If i believed a man raped me...I would move out of the house...I don't care if i had to move to a woman's shelter...I would beg friends....family....anyone who might give me a place to get away from him.

 

I was molested as a young girl by three different family members....TRUST me....I would kill the MF to get away if i thought he raped me.....

 

Actually I was referring to the people who are calling rape and calling for immediate charges to be pressed. That is just...extreme, and the OP agrees.

[privategal]

Seriously?

 

So you think it's perfectly acceptable to wake up in the middle of your sleep to find your estranged husband, whose been sleeping in another bed in another room, with whom you have not been intimate with for many months, who you are about to divorce having sex with you without your consent????

 

Come on.

 

I agree that calling it rape is taking it way too far but to shrug your shoulders and say "it's not a big deal" seems a bit crazy to me. We're NOT talking about consensual sex or the kind of sex where our partners wake us in the middle of night for some lovemaking. I mean, who doesn't love that? What happened to the OP is a big deal. And it appears the OP thinks so as well.

 

I was of the same mindset it didnt seem like a big deal.

From my understanding he doesnt even know she plans to file and he may feel its a rough patch that he wanted to fix with intimacy. Either way...she needs to ask HIM as we only have her side.

[Clockwork]

This is why couples that are separated should live separate. I mean, you've shared your life with someone and you are in a rough patch in your marriage on the verge of separation (not sure if the husband knows this though from what I've read) and people are surprised when a man tries to have sex with his wife he's having problems with? Sounds a bit extreme.

[sandylee1]

Thank you.

 

I have been chronically sleep deprived for about 14 years as I have flipped between working days and nights for all of this time. So when I do finally get a chance to sleep for a stretch I am able to quickly fall into a rather deep sleep. I am not aware of this ever happening before the incident last night though.

 

I do like the idea of locking the door too. Thank you.

 

I don't think you're overreacting. You were asleep and you're seperated. Why did he creep into the bed with you?

Honestly I call it rape . You never gave consent. What if you got pregnant (not sure how old you or if using BC)

 

He KNEW you were sleeping and just wanted some release.

Definitely lock the door, he can't be trusted.

 

I shudder just thinking of it.

[Popsicle]

Seriously?

 

So you think it's perfectly acceptable to wake up in the middle of your sleep to find your estranged husband, whose been sleeping in another bed in another room, with whom you have not been intimate with for many months, who you are about to divorce having sex with you without your consent????

 

Come on.

 

I agree that calling it rape is taking it way too far but to shrug your shoulders and say "it's not a big deal" seems a bit crazy to me. We're NOT talking about consensual sex or the kind of sex where our partners wake us in the middle of night for some lovemaking. I mean, who doesn't love that? What happened to the OP is a big deal. And it appears the OP thinks so as well.

 

If I were in her situation and frame of mind, I'd be confused too, but something would kick in and tell me that he's probably just defaulting back to his normal behavior and trying to be intimate. I mean, how many of us wives haven't felt that poke in the middle of the night by our husbands?

[jwhale]

You all asked so many questions that I am not even sure where to start.

 

We have been married for 15 years but have had several rough patches. I first told him that I was unhappy and was contemplating a divorce last winter, and we went through MC which did not help (actually seemed to make things worse).

 

We had a series of unanticipated life stressors during the spring, as well as a cross-country relocation for my job this past June, so we opted, for the sake of our kids, to try to stick things out for a while longer, as the move and other stressors had been traumatic enough for our children.

 

As I stated earlier, I have stopped discussing a divorce with him for the time being as this is how I was counseled by my divorce attorney--but he does know that I am unhappy and seriously considering eventually leaving the marriage (I posted about our marriage back in my first post on this page in Sept).

 

I lost all physical attraction to him ages ago and for a long time I faked it to try to keep him satisfied. We agreed to stop having sex in June or July of this year. About 6-8 weeks ago we decided to separate but could not agree on who would leave our home--that is when we worked out the scenario of living under the same roof but sleeping in separate bedrooms. And it had been working out well until the other night...

 

There was no alcohol, drug use, or sleeping pill use involved.

 

I was raped when I was a teenager and it honestly never crossed my mind that he had raped me when I posted the other day.

 

We discussed everything last night and he apologized again and told me that he's missed having physical contact with me. Apparently he has snuck into the room I've been sleeping in to hold and spoon me over the last month when I've been in a deep sleep (usually the nights after I've been up working all night, so am really, really tired). He said that he really thought that I had woken up and wanted to go further with him. It is now abundantly clear to him that this was not the case.

 

My emotions are all over the place right now. I feel sorry for him but am angry at him at the same time. I am sad about the deterioration of our marriage, scared about getting a divorce, and just overwhelmed and confused right now.

I am in therapy and plan I taking about this next week as well.

 

I really appreciate being able to post about this on here and to be able to see and read others' points of view. Thank you.

[Michelle ma Belle]

QUOTE=Popsicle;6597902]If I were in her situation and frame of mind, I'd be confused too, but something would kick in and tell me that he's probably just defaulting back to his normal behavior and trying to be intimate. I mean, how many of us wives haven't felt that poke in the middle of the night by our husbands?

 

Feeling a poke in the middle of the night by a lover isn't the same as feeling a poke by an estranged husband whose supposed to be sleeping in another room. By all accounts the OP did NOT give him any reasons to think their marriage no longer needed saving or that sex was back on the table. A supposed moan coming from another room does not pass for a green light especially when a couple is on the way to divorce court.

 

If he wanted to reconcile or even reconnect sexually with his wife, he could have chosen a million other ways that would have been infinitely better than resorting to cheap trickery. Oh and don't forget the audacity to make her think she was somehow responsible.

 

Give me a break.

[Popsicle]

OP, how would you feel about him find someone else to get his sexual needs fulfilled with?

 

I hope you realize that until you two divorce and live in separate places, there will be confusion.

[sandylee1]

I agree with Michelle ma belle - if my husband pokes and touches me up while sleeping it's not the same as in this case. The fact that he came in the room in the first place is a problem, especially after what you'd agreed.

[jwhale]

I agree that is is a problem and now that we've discussed it I hope it doesn't happen again. He knows that if it does that he will have to to leave our home immediately. If we were happily married and sharing the same bed then I really would never have batted an eye at all of this.

 

If I had been the at-home parent through our marriage, and thus the likely parent to be awarded sole physical custody in our state, then we would already be legally separated and I would have started the divorce process already.

 

I started to offer to open up our marriage so that my husband could get his sexual needs met elsewhere about a year and a half ago, and he is the one who has continued to refuse--claims he will not have sex with anyone else until after we divorce.

[autumnnight]

I agree that is is a problem and now that we've discussed it I hope it doesn't happen again. He knows that if it does that he will have to to leave our home immediately. If we were happily married and sharing the same bed then I really would never have batted an eye at all of this.

 

If I had been the at-home parent through our marriage, and thus the likely parent to be awarded sole physical custody in our state, then we would already be legally separated and I would have started the divorce process already.

 

I started to offer to open up our marriage so that my husband could get his sexual needs met elsewhere about a year and a half ago, and he is the one who has continued to refuse--claims he will not have sex with anyone else until after we divorce.

 

Which should settle the question of whether or not he knows you are separated - CLEARLY he does. So that "excuse" for him walking down the hall and mounting a sleeping woman is off the table.

[BetrayedH]

If I had been the at-home parent through our marriage, and thus the likely parent to be awarded sole physical custody in our state, then we would already be legally separated and I would have started the divorce process already.

 

I'm curious. Do you feel guilty at all about this? ^^^

 

It seems you're dragging this man through the mud and faking any commitment to the marriage simply to manipulate things in your favor. I think you said he's spent 9 years as the stay-at-home parent and you're now just trying to change that up right before your file papers on the guy.

[jwhale]

He was an at-home parent because he refused to work for years and then he stopped doing all of the things around our home that he initially did (and that most at-home parents would do). I

You can read my original post from when I first joined if you would like my backstory.

 

Thanks to all who spent the time to read and help guide me through my confusion the other day regarding the sleep sex incident.

 

I am not looking for criticism as to why I have made the decision to end my marriage the way I am. I have enough on plate.

 

Thank you.

[jwhale]

And, yes, of course I feel guilt. I find it hard to believe that there's anyone who would not feel guilt and feel agonized about being in my situation. So, I am really not sure why you asked me this, other than to try to make me feel even worse.

[stillafool]

 

I started to offer to open up our marriage so that my husband could get his sexual needs met elsewhere about a year and a half ago, and he is the one who has continued to refuse--claims he will not have sex with anyone else until after we divorce.

 

Maybe you should tell your husband again that he is free to go out and find another woman for sex because he won't be getting it there and you will be locking your bedroom door from now on. That's only fair. Then he can see if he can wait until a divorce for sex.

[autumnnight]

Maybe you should tell your husband again that he is free to go out and find another woman for sex because he won't be getting it there and you will be locking your bedroom door from now on. That's only fair. Then he can see if he can wait until a divorce for sex.

 

I would be interested to know what the bolded means.

[BetrayedH]

And, yes, of course I feel guilt. I find it hard to believe that there's anyone who would not feel guilt and feel agonized about being in my situation. So, I am really not sure why you asked me this, other than to try to make me feel even worse.

 

Not trying to make you feel worse, at all. It's not my style.

 

You seemed very matter-of-fact about your strategy but don't otherwise sound like the manipulative type. During my divorce, I had to remind myself that my attorney worked for me, not the other way around.

 

My point in raising the issue is that I sense you are the kind of person to wrestle with the ethics of things. You haven't been quick to label your H as a rapist but you haven't excused his behavior either. I find that to be a well-thought and balanced approach. The scheming for a better negotiating position in the divorce didn't seem to fit. If I had a point, it'd be that I'd advice avoiding doing things that make you feel guilty. If you at all doubt yourself, my typical suggestion is to ensure that you're making decisions of which you can be proud. When you do that consistently, your self-pride remains intact.

 

So many things are lost during a divorce. That might be one that you make a point to keep. Your attorney is not likely to act as your conscience for you. He's there to jealously represent you, not to represent the ethical path.

 

If you don't want to engage on the subject, especially considering my ignorance of your backstory, that's ok. It was just meant to be cautionary. Getting the ball rolling on your divorce may even eliminate misunderstandings like the one that started this thread.

[jwhale]

Hi Betrayed. Thank you for taking the time to explain what you meant.

I initially did feel like you had attacked me, so when I replied back I was on the defensive, but I can see now that your intention was not to make me feel guilty but to try to advise me, so I am sorry for the miscommunication. I think it's one of the challenges of communicating via writing versus the spoken word.

 

I appreciate your guidance, especially knowing that you have personally experienced the divorce process. I have been and continue to think through everything from multiple angles, discussions with others, thespy, I've been reading a lot too. I have never felt as much guilt about anything in my entire life, but at the same time the thought of not having at least joint custody of my kids makes me feel sick. That is what I am struggling with the most right now.

Thank you for your understanding of how difficult this all is.