Husband having sex with wife while she sleeps

[JasmineJones]

I think it is all about what the OP thinks/knows happened..

If they are not intimate and not sleeping in the same bed then it sounds like he forced himself inside her, but if they are sleeping in the same bed and doing the occasional spoon then it might be possible it really did happen how he said..

 

Was he shocked and apologetic ? his reaction would probably be more telling to the real story.

 

I dated a girl a million years ago that when sleeping one night started moaning, rubbing me and I was in the mood, she and I were in full blown missionary oral sex when she woke up and said.. what???? I was blown away that she was asleep and then find out that it happens a lot.

 

We didn't have intercourse but we did have 5 or so mins of oral sex.. and to see the look on my face when she woke up :eek: ... the horror....

 

I stopped dating her after that.. it was pretty messed up or it at least messed with my head to the point I felt I needed to stop dating her...

 

They don't even share a bedroom as far as I am aware

[Mr. Lucky]

Although we are not officially separated, as we are living under the same roof and parenting our children together, we are sleeping in separate beds and have stopped being physically intimate with each other. We are trading off who sleeps in our comfortable bed v who sleeps in the guest room at night.

 

How long since you've been intimate before this happened?

 

Only one opinion matters about the seriousness of this incident - yours. You may decide that your focus will be transitioning to physical separation rather than dwelling on this incident.

 

Have you had a direct conversation since then with your husband about the inappropriateness of his actions?

 

Mr. Lucky

[TX-SC]

First off, you have every right to feel violated. Second, I am not going to minimize what this may mean to you. What I would simply ask is that you seriously consider what a rape charge would do to your husband. What he did was wrong, no doubt about it. Keep your door locked and have a serious discussion with him about boundaries. If you feel that filing charges is warranted, then do so. But don't do anything you would regret and don't ruin a life unless you feel it is necessary. A rape charge is hard to defend against and will mean a permanent record and possibly prison time. Only you can decide if it truly was meant to cause harm and how you feel about it.

 

You should also make sure he didn't secretly record any of this.

[Got it]

First off, you have every right to feel violated. Second, I am not going to minimize what this may mean to you. What I would simply ask is that you seriously consider what a rape charge would do to your husband. What he did was wrong, no doubt about it. Keep your door locked and have a serious discussion with him about boundaries. If you feel that filing charges is warranted, then do so. But don't do anything you would regret and don't ruin a life unless you feel it is necessary. A rape charge is hard to defend against and will mean a permanent record and possibly prison time. Only you can decide if it truly was meant to cause harm and how you feel about it.

 

You should also make sure he didn't secretly record any of this.

 

Except she didn't do this to him, he did it. So it is consequences to his actions, not something she is guilty of. And she isn't ruining a life, again consequences.

 

I hate the victim blaming that happens. That it is her fault to any level or her responsibility for the consequences. He had no right to enter her room and start having sex with an unconscious woman. Period. End of story.

[TX-SC]

Except she didn't do this to him, he did it. So it is consequences to his actions, not something she is guilty of. And she isn't ruining a life, again consequences.

 

I hate the victim blaming that happens. That it is her fault to any level or her responsibility for the consequences. He had no right to enter her room and start having sex with an unconscious woman. Period. End of story.

 

If you read my post you'll see that I said this is her choice to make and I am not minimizing what this means to her. I simply said she needs to weigh the full outcome of pressing charges.

[autumnnight]

I don't know that I would press charges, but I would make it clear that I'm not buying his moaning story, that my room is off limits, and that next time he crosses the threshhold without permission or touches me, I WILL be calling the police and relay it, along with the "rape while asleep" episode as well.

 

A person who would think his behavior is acceptable is not a person I want to know.

[jwhale]

I really appreciate that so many of you spoke up and shared your thoughts on this--reading through this thread has been very helpful. I was very confused by how to proceed. If I thought that my safety was truly at sake when this happened last night, I would have called the police, taken my children and self out of our home, and/or pressed charges. I would not have taken the time to post on a forum like this.

 

My husband does not have a history of being abusive and has, to my knowledge, never done anything like this before when I've been asleep. He apologized and did seem remorseful, but again, it was the middle of the night and I was a bit out of sorts and confused being woken up like this. I have not seen him since it happened because he left for work before I was up getting the kids ready for school.

 

I have been in therapy for the last few years as my marriage has unraveled and I am currently working with a divorce lawyer who I trust. Based on the legal norms in the state we live in, with my husband being the at-home parent the last 9 years, there is a high likelihood that he would be awarded sole physical custody of our kids if we were divorce soon (similarly to if I had been a working dad and he had been a stay at home mom for all of father years). My divorce lawyer has recommended waiting until next year to file because with our new set-up (we are now both working but I am home with the kids significantly more) the likelihood for me to get shared physical custody will be much greater. I could go into more details, but that's my situation in a nutshell.

 

As of right now I am going to look at this "incident" as another sign that I need to leave this marriage and that I am making the right decision to separate and divorce him. I am going to put it down in writing as well. I will sleep only in the guest room from now on and make sure to lock the door at night. If it happens again I will file charges.

 

I sincerely thank all of you for your help. My conversation with him tonight about all of this will definitely be interesting.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Is your husband aware that you consider yourself separated and are planning to divorce him? IMO this is key in determining the level of creepiness of what transpired. Sleep-sex between partners who are together is pretty common... everyone has different boundaries of course but many people would be ok with that coming from a partner they are currently intimate with and committed to. Personally, I love sleep sex and have experenced it in many relationships and have never felt violated. If he thinks you are still together, I think it is more of a boundary question vs. rape. If he does know that your relationship is over, I do think that what he did was very creepy. Either way, I would tell him it was not acceptable.

[autumnnight]

Is your husband aware that you consider yourself separated and are planning to divorce him? IMO this is key in determining the level of creepiness of what transpired. Sleep-sex between partners who are together is pretty common... everyone has different boundaries of course but many people would be ok with that coming from a partner they are currently intimate with and committed to. Personally, I love sleep sex and have experenced it in many relationships and have never felt violated. If he thinks you are still together, I think it is more of a boundary question vs. rape. If he does know that your relationship is over, I do think that what he did was very creepy. Either way, I would tell him it was not acceptable.

 

I would think since they sleep in separate parts of the house, he as a clue....

[RoseWater]

First off, you have every right to feel violated. Second, I am not going to minimize what this may mean to you. What I would simply ask is that you seriously consider what a rape charge would do to your husband. What he did was wrong, no doubt about it. Keep your door locked and have a serious discussion with him about boundaries. If you feel that filing charges is warranted, then do so. But don't do anything you would regret and don't ruin a life unless you feel it is necessary. A rape charge is hard to defend against and will mean a permanent record and possibly prison time. Only you can decide if it truly was meant to cause harm and how you feel about it.

 

You should also make sure he didn't secretly record any of this.

 

So, should all rape victims stop and consider whether being prosecuted for the rape might ruin the rapist's quality of life?

[Mr. Lucky]

So, should all rape victims stop and consider whether being prosecuted for the rape might ruin the rapist's quality of life?

 

Not germane to this thread since the OP has decided on a course of action that doesn't currently include prosecution...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TX-SC]

So, should all rape victims stop and consider whether being prosecuted for the rape might ruin the rapist's quality of life?

 

We are not talking in generalities here. It's a very specific situation. I would certainly NOT recommend that every rape victim do so. The OP has indicated the she plans to not press charges unless it happens again. Her husband is remorseful, has apologized profusely, and has never done anything like that before. She is making a level headed decision here. Good for her!

 

Stop assigning meaning to my post that is in no way justified.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would think since they sleep in separate parts of the house, he as a clue....

 

My daughter in laws parents divorced and lived in the same house for 10 years in separate bedrooms. According to my daughter in law there were occasional Conjugal visits. Just saying ...

[Got it]

We are not talking in generalities here. It's a very specific situation. I would certainly NOT recommend that every rape victim do so. The OP has indicated the she plans to not press charges unless it happens again. Her husband is remorseful, has apologized profusely, and has never done anything like that before. She is making a level headed decision here. Good for her!

 

Stop assigning meaning to my post that is in no way justified.

 

Reread, you are assessing far more than what the OP actually said. I see no indication he apologized profusely and seems remorseful though they have not any any additional dialogue since the incident, per her discussion with him tonight.

 

And you have two readers who assessed similar meanings to your post so may want to reread what you wrote. It may not have been as clear as you intended.

[BetrayedH]

Is your husband aware that you consider yourself separated and are planning to divorce him? IMO this is key in determining the level of creepiness of what transpired. Sleep-sex between partners who are together is pretty common... everyone has different boundaries of course but many people would be ok with that coming from a partner they are currently intimate with and committed to. Personally, I love sleep sex and have experenced it in many relationships and have never felt violated. If he thinks you are still together, I think it is more of a boundary question vs. rape. If he does know that your relationship is over, I do think that what he did was very creepy. Either way, I would tell him it was not acceptable.

 

I had exactly the same question. Does he really know this is an in-house separation? Have you two spoken about no longer being intimate, living as roommates, etc? I get the impression that he doesn't know he's going to be divorced next year. And sleeping in separate rooms does not mean that a married couple won't be having any more sex. For many couples, sleep sex is perfectly normal and would be welcomed as initiated. If this guy is completely in the dark about his marriage being over, perhaps a rape charge is a bit overboard.

[MJJean]

My husband and I had sleep sex for years before either of us knew it. He'd moan and make other aroused noises, I'd cuddle closer, his hands would wander, we'd have great sex, the end. Then, after a particularly great night, I complimented him and he had no idea what I was talking about. Not a clue.

 

We compared notes and it looks like about 25% of our sex life was happening when he was asleep. The strangest part is that he's not any different when he's sleeping. He talks, makes other appropriate noises, kisses, caresses, nibbles, licks, etc.

 

If he makes noise in his sleep, if I get up and come back to bed, or if I come to bed after he's asleep, there is a pretty decent chance he'll pull me close and start kissing and touching. Sometimes, he'll wake up at some point during or at the very end. Other times he doesn't wake up at all and remembers nothing the next morning.

 

It's possible, OP, that you've been having sleep sex for years and aren't aware of it. It might be worth talking to your STBX about and see if this has been an ongoing thing. If so, tell him that you no longer consent to sex with him and that you'll be locking your door from now on.

 

If this has not been an ongoing thing and you weren't encouraging him in your sleep, speak to a cop, lawyer, and therapist if you feel he raped you.

[Stage5Clinger]

Has anyone had this happen before? I felt kind of violated, like he was just using me as mastubatory device, and creeped out. but am not sure if I am overreacting or not.

 

Technically that is rape based on how you've described it. How long have you actually been "not physically intimate" as you mentioned? Does he realize you two are inching toward a divorce?

[BetrayedH]

My husband and I had sleep sex for years before either of us knew it. He'd moan and make other aroused noises, I'd cuddle closer, his hands would wander, we'd have great sex, the end. Then, after a particularly great night, I complimented him and he had no idea what I was talking about. Not a clue.

 

We compared notes and it looks like about 25% of our sex life was happening when he was asleep. The strangest part is that he's not any different when he's sleeping. He talks, makes other appropriate noises, kisses, caresses, nibbles, licks, etc.

 

If he makes noise in his sleep, if I get up and come back to bed, or if I come to bed after he's asleep, there is a pretty decent chance he'll pull me close and start kissing and touching. Sometimes, he'll wake up at some point during or at the very end. Other times he doesn't wake up at all and remembers nothing the next morning.

 

It's possible, OP, that you've been having sleep sex for years and aren't aware of it. It might be worth talking to your STBX about and see if this has been an ongoing thing. If so, tell him that you no longer consent to sex with him and that you'll be locking your door from now on.

 

If this has not been an ongoing thing and you weren't encouraging him in your sleep, speak to a cop, lawyer, and therapist if you feel he raped you.

 

By some posters' judgments here, you should be in jail for raping your husband since you didn't have positive consent.

 

Seems kinda ridiculous, don't it?

[autumnnight]

Here's the thing....

 

Regardless of who loves sleep sex...THIS happened without her knowledge or consent. They were not in the habit of having sleep sex, they are separated, they are in separate rooms and....

 

she is not okay with it

 

I do not see the relevance of what other people did in their marriage. This is NOT a norm for them and she feels violated.

 

Pressing charges is a bit much, but really? Just because Thelma Lou does it, this separated wife should be fine with it?

 

I think calling it rape is a bit dramatic, but I am kind of having a hard time wrapping my head around everyone trying to convince the OP she should be okay with it and giving out personal sex anecdotes.

 

If, when I was separated, my stbx had come to my room and mounted my while I was asleep....it would NOT have been ok, and I was in a sex starved marriage.

[TX-SC]

Reread, you are assessing far more than what the OP actually said. I see no indication he apologized profusely and seems remorseful though they have not any any additional dialogue since the incident, per her discussion with him tonight.

 

And you have two readers who assessed similar meanings to your post so may want to reread what you wrote. It may not have been as clear as you intended.

 

Post 32, second paragraph. He apologized and is remorseful.

 

If it was not clear, I will make it so now.

 

In this instance, I think she should consider things before making a decision to prosecute. She has indeed said that she does not intend to do so at this time. I agree with that decision but of course she can change her mind if she feels she should.

[TX-SC]

Here's the thing....

 

Regardless of who loves sleep sex...THIS happened without her knowledge or consent. They were not in the habit of having sleep sex, they are separated, they are in separate rooms and....

 

she is not okay with it

 

I do not see the relevance of what other people did in their marriage. This is NOT a norm for them and she feels violated.

 

Pressing charges is a bit much, but really? Just because Thelma Lou does it, this separated wife should be fine with it?

 

I think calling it rape is a bit dramatic, but I am kind of having a hard time wrapping my head around everyone trying to convince the OP she should be okay with it and giving out personal sex anecdotes.

 

If, when I was separated, my stbx had come to my room and mounted my while I was asleep....it would NOT have been ok, and I was in a sex starved marriage.

 

Exactly. What relationships any of us may have had in the past is irrelevant here. This is their relationship and she has every right to be pissed about this. What he did was wrong on so many levels.

 

But, she did also ask if any of us had experienced this sort of thing (sleep sex), so don't come down on us too hard for sharing stories.

Edited October 15, 2015 by TX-SC

[Mrs. John Adams]

I certainly am not saying what her husband did is ok. She needs to make sure he understands her expectations...and she needs to lock the damn door to her bedroom.

 

pressing charges? No proof... she cleaned herself up afterwards...his word against hers. Won't happen...

 

If she thought it was rape she should have taken herself directly to an emergency room....pressed charges ...had a rape kit and pictures taken.

 

she did not....she did not think it was rape. It is others here who have stated it was rape...and it really does not matter what the rest of us think....it matters what she thinks....and not once did the girl say RAPE in her story.

[autumnnight]

I certainly am not saying what her husband did is ok. She needs to make sure he understands her expectations...and she needs to lock the damn door to her bedroom.

 

pressing charges? No proof... she cleaned herself up afterwards...his word against hers. Won't happen...

 

If she thought it was rape she should have taken herself directly to an emergency room....pressed charges ...had a rape kit and pictures taken.

 

she did not....she did not think it was rape. It is others here who have stated it was rape...and it really does not matter what the rest of us think....it matters what she thinks....and not once did the girl say RAPE in her story.

 

Yep, that's part of that black and white wild extremes that I have mentioned before. Not everything in life is waaaay over here or waaaay over there.

[ShatteredLady]

Are you taking prescription sleeping pills? They have been linked with 'sleep sex'. We're drugs or alcohol involved?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yep, that's part of that black and white wild extremes that I have mentioned before. Not everything in life is waaaay over here or waaaay over there.

 

But the law is black or white and in this case...she not only thinks he did not rape her...she can't prove it.

 

Many here have jumped to the conclusion that this man raped his wife. It does not matter what we think....

 

What does SHE think???????

 

If i believed a man raped me...I would move out of the house...I don't care if i had to move to a woman's shelter...I would beg friends....family....anyone who might give me a place to get away from him.

 

I was molested as a young girl by three different family members....TRUST me....I would kill the MF to get away if i thought he raped me.....