Husband having sex with wife while she sleeps

[jwhale]

Hi everyone,

 

I first posted on here a few months ago and am in the process of getting my life organized so that I can file for a divorce sometime next year. My husband has just started a new job (had been out of workforce for 9 years while being a homemaker) so I am patiently waiting for him to get into a good routine at work, and steady income coming in, before I file.

 

Although we are not officially separated, as we are living under the same roof and parenting our children together, we are sleeping in separate beds and have stopped being physically intimate with each other. We are trading off who sleeps in our comfortable bed v who sleeps in the guest room at night.

 

Last night I was asleep and dreaming and kept having a strange sensation of being poked and prodded at. I finally woke up and found that my husband was in the midst of having intercourse with me. I bolted up out of bed, went to the bathroom to clean myself up, and started to cry. I asked him why he did it and he said because I was moaning beforehand he thought I was awake in bed and wanted him since it had been so long. He said that I seemed fine while we were doing it.

 

Has anyone had this happen before? I felt kind of violated, like he was just using me as mastubatory device, and creeped out. but am not sure if I am overreacting or not.

 

Any input much appreciated. Thank you! Again, we are not even officially separated.

[autumnnight]

If he truly had no idea you were asleep, then maybe chalk it up to a misunderstanding?

 

If he thought or knew you were asleep (which is HIGHLY more likely), then yeah...that is pretty violating.

[Mrs. John Adams]

wow...you must really be a sound sleeper

[autumnnight]

I talk in my sleep and moan in my sleep. I have even been known to take a shower or dress in my sleep.

 

If this is a common practice for you, OP, then you may want to see a doctor about a sleep study. But if you are currently separated but living in the same house, then I can understand that the stress might make your sleep and dreams patterns all wonky.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Next time you go to bed....lock the door

[jwhale]

Thank you.

 

I have been chronically sleep deprived for about 14 years as I have flipped between working days and nights for all of this time. So when I do finally get a chance to sleep for a stretch I am able to quickly fall into a rather deep sleep. I am not aware of this ever happening before the incident last night though.

 

I do like the idea of locking the door too. Thank you.

[stillafool]

Definitely start locking your door. It was a misunderstanding.

[JasmineJones]

It's rape. I am horrified the others posting here are being so jokey about it.

 

Do you have somebody close to you you can confide in? You really need TLC and support right now and you should consider filing a police report.

 

I am so sorry your husband did this to you. It is a criminal act.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry but I don't buy it.

 

You're supposed to be separated, no longer being intimate, sleeping in separate rooms yet your husband hears a few moans coming from your room and he thinks that's an invitation to have sex with you?!?!

 

Forget misunderstanding. This is a violation and creepy doesn't even cover it.

[GunslingerRoland]

As a married couple sleeping in the same bed, this has happened, where we've started having sex, while both more or less asleep it's just happened.

 

But this is something different... rape does sound appropriate. I'd talk to your lawyer about it, i'm not necessarily saying you should charge him in the court of law, but it could be useful to get a restraining order if needed or to prove your reasons for the divorce.

[candie13]

Rape. Sorry. Sleep in different room and lock the door. Talk to a lawyer asap. See a therapist. Talk to your husband. But first and foremost, watch out for yourself - mentally and emotionally.

[TX-SC]

I had a gf a long time ago who found that to be a big turn-on. She liked the sensation of waking up to sex or waking up to oral sex being performed on her. But, that was something we discussed before it ever happened and was agreed on by both parties. In your instance it sounds like he forced himself on you.

[MightyPen]

This is a REALLY important question and could have life-altering consequences depending on how it's handled, and it calls for a professional response. See your attorney and a medical professional for starters.

Edited October 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lois_Griffin]

I asked him why he did it and he said because I was moaning beforehand he thought I was awake in bed and wanted him since it had been so long.

As if.

 

LOL... perhaps he thought you were moaning because you were fantasizing about how hot he looks wearing an apron or doing the laundry?

 

He was a 'homemaker' for 9 years? He's fortunate he got a job after staying home for 9 years. At least now you can divorce him ASAP.

 

I'd lock my door and keep a damned baseball bat by the side of the bed. If that had been my husband that I was soon divorcing, he would have been lucky to get out of the bed intact.

[stillafool]

I had a gf a long time ago who found that to be a big turn-on. She liked the sensation of waking up to sex or waking up to oral sex being performed on her. But, that was something we discussed before it ever happened and was agreed on by both parties. In your instance it sounds like he forced himself on you.

 

I'm like your ex gf I love it when my husband wakes me up this way. I love waking him up that way also but it was never discussed it just started happening. However if I were in OP position, filing for a divorce, I'd be pissed. She definitely needs to lock her bedroom door and accuse him of rape.

 

OP, what do you plan to do about this violiation?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would suggest proceeding with that separation and divorce.

[minimariah]

...but when it comes to determining whether this event was rape/sexual assault...

 

this was rape - the OP didn't consent. that's all you need to know.

 

OP - seek support from your loved ones and file as soon as you can, move out of your home with the kids as soon as you can. this is a MAJOR red flag that most people will overlook - you make sure you don't.

[whichwayisup]

He invaded you and took advantage of you while you were sleeping. Yes it IS rape, you did NOT give permission. He should have asked you instead of helping himself...Though with that said, chances are he KNEW you would say no so he went for it. Disgusting behaviour on his behalf, he should apologize to you and respect that you two are divorcing and the physical side of your marriage is over. DO put a lock on your door so he can't do this again.

[Art_Critic]

I think it is all about what the OP thinks/knows happened..

If they are not intimate and not sleeping in the same bed then it sounds like he forced himself inside her, but if they are sleeping in the same bed and doing the occasional spoon then it might be possible it really did happen how he said..

 

Was he shocked and apologetic ? his reaction would probably be more telling to the real story.

 

I dated a girl a million years ago that when sleeping one night started moaning, rubbing me and I was in the mood, she and I were in full blown missionary oral sex when she woke up and said.. what???? I was blown away that she was asleep and then find out that it happens a lot.

 

We didn't have intercourse but we did have 5 or so mins of oral sex.. and to see the look on my face when she woke up :eek: ... the horror....

 

I stopped dating her after that.. it was pretty messed up or it at least messed with my head to the point I felt I needed to stop dating her...

[minimariah]

if there was no consent or if the victim wasn't able to consent (drunk or passed out) - it's rape. that's how you "decide" if it was rape or not. i also call for the AP to see professionals and authorities because this is a huge red flag that cannot be overlooked.

 

 

 

i repeat... this is a red flag. "normal" folks don't do what the OP's husband did and you trying to minimize the damage won't help anyone really.

Edited October 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Robert]

****** Moderators Note *******

 

LoveShack is a peer to peer interpersonal web forum where people come to get answers to questions they have by people like themselves.

 

It is okay to suggest that someone get professional help, we have to leave it up to them to take that advice or take the other advice that posters rendered but to tell a thread starter to ignore the advice of other posters goes against the purpose of this forum.

 

So.. let's knock off the threadjack at this point since the opposing viewpoints have been mentioned, thanks

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't think the OP is the kind of woman that would make knee jerk decisions about her life and that of her family based on what a few strangers have to say on here. Anyone of sane mind will see this forum as a catalyst for deep introspection and if that means we strangers hit a nerve then hopefully the validation might inspire one to seek out appropriate consultation, professional or otherwise.

 

This is a VERY big deal and one OP shouldn't take lightly. Don't underestimate her nor her ability to make a sound decision.

Edited October 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would agree that sometimes the best advice we can give is when we say...seek professional help.

 

In this story....she should lock her door...at all times...and she should seek professional help.

 

I would also consider moving forward with the separation and divorce.

 

Of course this would make for a very short and boring thread if that was all we had to say.

[whichwayisup]

Giving this some thought...You and you soon to be ex need to sit down and talk this out. Set boundaries and rules that he MUST abide by otherwise he can move out, but as long as you two are under the same roof he cannot enter the bedroom while you are in it unless it has to do with the kids (and he has to knock first, ask permission). You two are co parents to your kids forever, so how you two handle this affects your whole family unit.

[JasmineJones]

this was rape - the OP didn't consent. that's all you need to know.

 

OP - seek support from your loved ones and file as soon as you can, move out of your home with the kids as soon as you can. this is a MAJOR red flag that most people will overlook - you make sure you don't.

 

Yes it is rape. But you don't have to leave your own home. He must be removed from your home, with the help of the police if necessary.