ClassiFemme Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 I'm a 22/F, my ex is a 21/F and the other chick is a 21/F. My girlfriend (5 years total, 2 years cohabitating) and I had two weeks where we had a threesome every night with one of her female friends and it all ended in the two of them getting together and me getting dumped. They aren't "together", but they might as well be because they spend all of their time together, they have sex, etc... My ex and I currently share a 2 bed/2 bath apartment, where we have 2 bedrooms but always slept together in one bed or the other everynight. After the whole 3some thing blew over, she's had the new chick over every single day and every night in her bedroom and refused to communicate with me at all. This has been a really unhealthy situation for me so I am moving to my own 1-bedroom on the 1st. This is a confusing time because my ex treated me like **** until she realized I really am leaving, and now she's kind of coming around. She calls me saying she misses me, she's sorry, she wants hugs, wishes I wouldn't leave, knows she ****ed up really bad, etc... She doesn't want to be in a relationship with anybody and I don't either, but I know we both love eachother a lot. She wants to stay in touch, but I'm leaning more towards NC. I think she's feeling this new chick because I was her first girlfriend and we've been together for 5 years. She's never experienced sex with another woman, let alone a friend who she gets along well with. I know she loves me and ultimately wants to wind up with me and understand her need to experience a little bit more before settling down. She says things like "I need to experience things and grow up to be who you deserve". I believe that she really loves me and wants to be with me, but on the flip side I think I'm just fooling myself and after I move out, I should never speak to her again. Help!!!
lindya Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 I think that making the decision to never again speak to someone you've spent 5 years with is a biggie. Very, very difficult to sustain - and as you've already been through a very painful experience, why set yourself up for more? Thinking in terms of small chunks of time are easier, I think. "I'm not going to speak to him/her for a couple of times because I need a bit of space" can become "well, I haven't spoken to him/her for a couple of weeks - and it hasn't killed me. Perhaps I can manage a couple of months". However you cut it it's incredibly difficult to not be with someone you love, and who has been a huge part of your life for several years. I'm glad you've found somewhere else to stay. It'll get you away from that very unpleasant situation, and you can focus on creating a nice little haven for yourself where you can start to recover from all this. As far as deciding "I'm never going to speak to her again" goes, I can totally understand the temptation to tell her that - and watch the look on her face as you say it - but it's just not worth it. If you go against the decision and DO speak to her (and almost certainly you will at some point over the next few months) then you'll end up feeling worse about things, and thinking negatively along the lines of "I can't even stick to no contact." Maybe better to think in terms of "as little contact as possible." Good luck with things, and I hope the move into your new flat goes well.
Author ClassiFemme Posted May 21, 2005 Author Posted May 21, 2005 That makes a lot of sense. Honestly I really love her and I would love to be her friend because she's a wonderful person but she hurt me so bad. I found a letter she'd written to the girl saying she was in love with her, wants her to be her "wifey" (something she called me just a few days prior), wants to spend all of her time with her... basically replacing everything we had, and all in my face in our apartment that we've shared together for two years! It's just a huge slap in the face. I can accept her moving on to another love, but I think if she was a true friend she would at least have enough respect for my feelings. I know she still wants me in her life as a friend, and it hurts her when I tell her I will never talk to her again, so I say it. I don't really see myself being able to befriend her after what she did to me. She tells the girl she doesn't like me but then she tells me she wants to grow into the type of person I deserve... I can't take the yoyo. I half believe she just wants to use me because I have money. I'm moving to a new spot in our same complex and she's likely going to have to move back with her parents for inability to afford single living. I don't know. I just think she means me no good and I should really edit her out of my life permanently so I won't be there when her rebound relationship fails. I don't want to risk being weak enough to fall for her again.
lindya Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 Well, it sounds as if you're definitely doing the right thing. Given that she's behaving as if she's back in the playground - telling you one thing and this other girl another - your ex sounds like a fairly immature and weak sort of character. People like that do often have a certain charm about them, but they're best kept on the outer part of your friendship circle. Getting too involved with them seldom brings anything other than frustration and disappointment unless you're of an equal mindset.
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