jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 (edited) Last Sunday morning I decided to go to this coffee shop near my house to do some work on my laptop. Wasn't expecting to run into anyone there so I had bare minimum make up on, and I was wearing the first thing I saw in my closet: just ripped jeans and a tshirt. I was feeling kind of blahhhh and just didn't feel like getting dressed. I just wanted to get some work done. To my surprise, a really cute guy sat down next to me: "You seem so tense. Deadline coming up soon?". And that was how we started talking. He was there to pick up his quick latte, but he left his number, and told me to text him. I texted him the next day. We've been texting since and he asked me out this Sunday. The thing is I notice that we usually text during the day, he'd text me around 11am, then we keep texting til about 4 or 5pm. But he rarely replies to my text after like 7pm. In the AM he's pretty responsive. He told me his work schedule is Mon, Tue, Thurs 8am-5pm, WF 8am-12am. So i can understand he might be busy at work on WF. But yesterday and today he rarely replied in the evening either. And by that I mean, my text went unresponded until the next morning. I start thinking: maybe he has a gf that lives with him that he doesn't tell me about?! Should I go on this date with this guy? Or should I listen to my gut feelings. Am i crazy? Edited October 14, 2015 by jam.over.jelly
fitnessfan365 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 To be honest, you seem way too invested and are overthinking way too much for a guy you haven't even had a first date with yet. In fact, you've already done WAY too much texting as is IMO. My advice? Have the first date and see if you even enjoy his company. Then if you want to keep seeing him, feel it out date by date. As you get to know him better, maybe that will let you get a better handle on his schedule. 6
losangelena Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Maybe he has after work hobbies that take him away from the phone. Maybe he's in a band or is taking a class or is zoned out in front of his x-box. Why does your mind automatically go to girlfriend? 1
hippychick3 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 My first thought would be he was married or has a live-in girlfriend. 1
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 To be honest, you seem way too invested and are overthinking way too much for a guy you haven't even had a first date with yet. In fact, you've already done WAY too much texting as is IMO. My advice? Have the first date and see if you even enjoy his company. Then if you want to keep seeing him, feel it out date by date. As you get to know him better, maybe that will let you get a better handle on his schedule. I'm not invested at all. That's why I'm considering whether or not to even go on this date. I never text him first, except for after he gave me his number, I texted him so he could have mine as well. When he texts me, I simply just reply, and the conversation just flows naturally during the day. I have talked to him in person and over the short conversation I felt like I would be able to enjoy a date with him without much awkwardness of it being first date.
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 (edited) My first thought would be he was married or has a live-in girlfriend. Maybe he has after work hobbies that take him away from the phone. Maybe he's in a band or is taking a class or is zoned out in front of his x-box. Why does your mind automatically go to girlfriend? That's exactly what I thought! Don't know why I have this thought but I did, for the first time. And my intuition is usually right. Something just doesn't seem right. I remembered I used to mute my conversations with my guy friends just so my ex bf didn't see their names popped up on my screen. My ex was a really jealous person and I happened to have a lot of guy friends. When I was in college, they often texted me random things at 1am, totally innocent stuff, but it would cause so much drama between me and my ex, so I muted their convos and got to them in the morning or afternoon when I wasn't around my ex. Edited October 14, 2015 by jam.over.jelly 1
fitnessfan365 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I'm not invested at all. Says the woman who has his schedule memorized and is over analyzing his response times. In all seriousness though, why not just have a first date and see if you even like his company? Then if you keep getting to know him, feel out his schedule a bit. 2
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 Says the woman who has his schedule memorized and is over analyzing his response times. In all seriousness though, why not just have a first date and see if you even like his company? Then if you keep getting to know him, feel out his schedule a bit. His schedule is so very simple: M, T, Thu 8-5pm, WF 8am-12am. That's it. Plain and simple. I wouldn't even be upset if he stopped talking to me tomorrow. I met and talked to him for a total of about 10 mins, probably less. He's merely a stranger to me.
Versacehottie Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 IMO you don't have enough information yet--so all that overthinking you are doing is a waste of time until you know some more concrete facts about him. I was confused--so is your gut feeling that you should go or not go? If it's "not go", then don't go. Gut feelings are usually built on actual mini-non-verbal clues that you don't even realize you are collecting but your subconscious brain is. As long as it's not because you health-y scared of the first date jitters or something. That could just be you. But having read some of your other threads--you don't strike me as someone who gets scared about a date. So..... Don't analyze the "what ifs" or worry about if he has a gf or whatever. Overactive imaginations SMH. If you want to go, go! I'm going to give you the most basic answer about why he doesn't text you at night. He's busy, or wants you to think he's busy so he doesn't look like a loser with no life. Sure some of his busy could be that he's dating other girls. Dating! Just like you are likely dating or talking to another guy or two. So? Trust yourself to figure out his deal in first couple of dates. If someone has a serious gf or wife, his actions as a person YOU are dating aren't going to pass your test. See? 5
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 IMO you don't have enough information yet--so all that overthinking you are doing is a waste of time until you know some more concrete facts about him. I was confused--so is your gut feeling that you should go or not go? If it's "not go", then don't go. Gut feelings are usually built on actual mini-non-verbal clues that you don't even realize you are collecting but your subconscious brain is. As long as it's not because you health-y scared of the first date jitters or something. That could just be you. But having read some of your other threads--you don't strike me as someone who gets scared about a date. So..... Don't analyze the "what ifs" or worry about if he has a gf or whatever. Overactive imaginations SMH. If you want to go, go! I'm going to give you the most basic answer about why he doesn't text you at night. He's busy, or wants you to think he's busy so he doesn't look like a loser with no life. Sure some of his busy could be that he's dating other girls. Dating! Just like you are likely dating or talking to another guy or two. So? Trust yourself to figure out his deal in first couple of dates. If someone has a serious gf or wife, his actions as a person YOU are dating aren't going to pass your test. See? You hit the nail on the head. I wanted to go on a date with this guy but because I overthink the fact he never replies in the evening, it makes me question whether or not I should go on this date. But you're right, I have plenty of time to figure out if he's single in the first couple dates (if we get to that). How ironic I told myself I would take a break from dating (I deleted my online dating profiles: okc and tinder), just to find myself back to dating again, lol. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 You hit the nail on the head. I wanted to go on a date with this guy but because I overthink the fact he never replies in the evening, it makes me question whether or not I should go on this date. But you're right, I have plenty of time to figure out if he's single in the first couple dates (if we get to that). How ironic I told myself I would take a break from dating (I deleted my online dating profiles: okc and tinder), just to find myself back to dating again, lol. Well I think you should go. The only thing as you worded it here (think it's just wording though), do you mean he drops off face of earth and doesn't reply to your last text which requires reply and then picks right back up the next morning with no explanation or sorry? Well that would be a little rude and especially if it keeps happening--sure that's something that would give a bad gut feeling. Though it could still be because he doesn't want you to think he's a loser--macho/bravado stuff. But initially I took it to mean you both text randomly throughout the day--probably him initiating more and then he basically stops initiating or doesn't keep it going (on things that don't REQUIRE a reply). Yeah that's cause he's busy most likely, ie has time while he is working and his friends are working but in off work time does his thing. You aren't yet a priority. Keep that in mind. Don't overinvest. Note that he is not. Take it for what it is: just a beginning.
losangelena Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I also say go. Right now I don't think you have enough to go on to know one way or the other what his deal is. 2
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 Well I think you should go. The only thing as you worded it here (think it's just wording though), do you mean he drops off face of earth and doesn't reply to your last text which requires reply and then picks right back up the next morning with no explanation or sorry? Well that would be a little rude and especially if it keeps happening--sure that's something that would give a bad gut feeling. Though it could still be because he doesn't want you to think he's a loser--macho/bravado stuff. But initially I took it to mean you both text randomly throughout the day--probably him initiating more and then he basically stops initiating or doesn't keep it going (on things that don't REQUIRE a reply). Yeah that's cause he's busy most likely, ie has time while he is working and his friends are working but in off work time does his thing. You aren't yet a priority. Keep that in mind. Don't overinvest. Note that he is not. Take it for what it is: just a beginning. Yea...that, in bold. That gives me a bad gut feeling. I'm not investing anything here. Like I mentioned in one of my replies earlier, if he stopped talking to me tomorrow and this date didn't take place, I would not even be upset. I just wanted to hear others' opinion before deciding if I wanna follow through with this date. I just don't want to waste my time getting ready going out to meet with a person just to find out they aren't even single. But then again, I guess it's the risk we all have to take when it comes to dating.
Qboro90 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Last Sunday morning I decided to go to this coffee shop near my house to do some work on my laptop. Wasn't expecting to run into anyone there so I had bare minimum make up on, and I was wearing the first thing I saw in my closet: just ripped jeans and a tshirt. I was feeling kind of blahhhh and just didn't feel like getting dressed. I just wanted to get some work done. To my surprise, a really cute guy sat down next to me: "You seem so tense. Deadline coming up soon?". And that was how we started talking. He was there to pick up his quick latte, but he left his number, and told me to text him. I texted him the next day. We've been texting since and he asked me out this Sunday. The thing is I notice that we usually text during the day, he'd text me around 11am, then we keep texting til about 4 or 5pm. But he rarely replies to my text after like 7pm. In the AM he's pretty responsive. He told me his work schedule is Mon, Tue, Thurs 8am-5pm, WF 8am-12am. So i can understand he might be busy at work on WF. But yesterday and today he rarely replied in the evening either. And by that I mean, my text went unresponded until the next morning. I start thinking: maybe he has a gf that lives with him that he doesn't tell me about?! Should I go on this date with this guy? Or should I listen to my gut feelings. Am i crazy? Cute guy approaches you, engages in conversation, gives you his number then asks you out on a date. He initiates textings and communicating with you. Since you met him last Sunday, and he works 8am-12am Wed/Fri, so Mon,Tues,Thursday he gets out of work at 5, proble gets home around 530/6, needs to eat dinner, might want to go to the gym, or if he has an hour worth of work to do for the next day. So you're worrying about 3 days, 5-1030pm (proble goes to bed around 1030/11 if he's got work at 8am each day. Minus the time it takes to get home, shower, any work he needs to do, gym, etc, that leaves about 1 hour, maybe 2 if we're being generous that he has to himself. Not to mention that this guy met you once, briefly at a coffee shop and probably has no desire to treat you like his girlfriend after less than a week. The fact that he's not constantly available and texting you is actually a good sign. The fact that you are even thinking about this... Is a bad sign. You're definitely being way to critical and pessimistic about this. I can only imagine what you worry/over analyze when you're actually in a relationship. Go on the date with him. Texting reply times aren't real life. 6
Versacehottie Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I agree with a lot of what quoro said as far as the mentality and reality of the situation. I don't love that he just disappears and then reappears WITHOUT explanation, ie sorry when i got back from the gym it was too late to text back or not even sorry but last night I was out with friends or went to dinner, whatever. If i were in your shoes, I would call him out on it teasingly--not seriously lashing. Or pull back and disappear on him some. You are being too available and expecting him to treat you like a gf or close to it. His behavior is not ideal so give him a slap on the wrist or pull back. But we are not talking about him being a perfect person--people are gonna test you in all walks of life--we are talking about you handling it. You have the most power to do this right now. He is generally trying to impress you (but isn't so invested). Don't accept the behavior. Let him know you notice the behavior and it will affect his chances with you. PLAYFULLY--emphasis on that!!! If it really bothers you where you think he might just be a jerk, then don't go and be happy you figured it out. But I'm just saying you also shouldn't be so accessible to him. That's why he is pulling this sh*t.
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 (edited) I agree with a lot of what quoro said as far as the mentality and reality of the situation. I don't love that he just disappears and then reappears WITHOUT explanation, ie sorry when i got back from the gym it was too late to text back or not even sorry but last night I was out with friends or went to dinner, whatever. If i were in your shoes, I would call him out on it teasingly--not seriously lashing. Or pull back and disappear on him some. You are being too available and expecting him to treat you like a gf or close to it. His behavior is not ideal so give him a slap on the wrist or pull back. But we are not talking about him being a perfect person--people are gonna test you in all walks of life--we are talking about you handling it. You have the most power to do this right now. He is generally trying to impress you (but isn't so invested). Don't accept the behavior. Let him know you notice the behavior and it will affect his chances with you. PLAYFULLY--emphasis on that!!! If it really bothers you where you think he might just be a jerk, then don't go and be happy you figured it out. But I'm just saying you also shouldn't be so accessible to him. That's why he is pulling this sh*t. Really good advice. But I don't know how I'm being available to him. He texts me when I'm at work so I generally take forever to reply because I don't have my phone on me all the time, 3-4 hours is usually the norm. Sometimes longer. When I get to my phone, and if I haven't replied promptly enough, I usually see that he has sent yet another text. And as I'm typing this...he has now just replied to my text. And it is 1:21am where I am... Edited October 14, 2015 by jam.over.jelly
losangelena Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I personally don't think he has to apologize for not texting her back the same night. If he's unavailable he's unavailable! It doesn't matter what he's doing—gym, dinner, dates, laundry, etc. Maybe he's the rare person who just likes to unplug after work. They haven't even gone on a date yet! He's not beholden to get back in touch with her in a given timeframe; if he starts apologizing now, that (to me) sets up a bad precedent where he's going to have to start apologizing for every little thing. It's texting. Let's please keep this in context. Besides, OP's reason for letting a reply go for hours is legitimate (work) yet when he takes hours to get back, it's because he has a GF/wife? OK. 4
Qboro90 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Really good advice. But I don't know how I'm being available to him. He texts me when I'm at work so I generally take forever to reply because I don't have my phone on me all the time, 3-4 hours is usually the norm. Sometimes longer. When I get to my phone, and if I haven't replied promptly enough, I usually see that he has sent yet another text. And as I'm typing this...he has now just replied to my text. And it is 1:21am where I am... Wow.... Can you see the hypocrisy here? If you were this guy, what would you be thinking right now about the girl? Not interested? Flaky? When in reality, nothing is wrong or alarming.
Versacehottie Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Really good advice. But I don't know how I'm being available to him. He texts me when I'm at work so I generally take forever to reply because I don't have my phone on me all the time, 3-4 hours is usually the norm. Sometimes longer. When I get to my phone, and if I haven't replied promptly enough, I usually see that he has sent yet another text. And as I'm typing this...he has now just replied to my text. And it is 1:21am where I am... Because even when you are taking some time to reply during the work day, you do and when he sends another text like impatiently, it works in that he gets a reply. Yet when he disappears on you, you say nothing. Good that he replied. It's late though, what are you gonna do? I probably wouldn't reply. Teaches people they can't have access to you whenever THEY want and some respect. Pick it up the next day without explanation. See what happens. Hey, you want to learn about the guy? Here's the curve ball you've been waiting for. Minor but you will learn something. So will he. teach him how to treat you.
fitnessfan365 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 You hit the nail on the head. I wanted to go on a date with this guy but because I overthink the fact he never replies in the evening, it makes me question whether or not I should go on this date. But you're right, I have plenty of time to figure out if he's single in the first couple dates (if we get to that). How ironic I told myself I would take a break from dating (I deleted my online dating profiles: okc and tinder), just to find myself back to dating again, lol. Haha.. I said the exact same thing in my post which you refuted. Guess it took more than one person to drive the point home. Glad to hear you're just gonna go with the flow. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I personally don't think he has to apologize for not texting her back the same night. If he's unavailable he's unavailable! It doesn't matter what he's doing—gym, dinner, dates, laundry, etc. Maybe he's the rare person who just likes to unplug after work. They haven't even gone on a date yet! He's not beholden to get back in touch with her in a given timeframe; if he starts apologizing now, that (to me) sets up a bad precedent where he's going to have to start apologizing for every little thing. It's texting. Let's please keep this in context. Besides, OP's reason for letting a reply go for hours is legitimate (work) yet when he takes hours to get back, it's because he has a GF/wife? OK. Good points. I don't think he has to apologize for being busy or having a life. Only if he left her hanging and if he was a caring guy or trying to let her know more about himself, he'd probably say what he did the night before (regardless of if he left her hanging or not). If she (as stated in subsequent post) has left him hanging 3-4 hours during work day herself, well his work day is over and he's onto his after work activities--of which she is not yet a priority. Bear that in mind, OP. Worth noting if you feel like you are just his work time distraction or there's true dating potential--and it can be both of course. Keep things in perspective. it's just a beginning. You have power in the situation too.
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 I don't think he owes me anything for not getting back to me. It's not the fact that he didn't reply that bothers me, it's the fact that he is responsive up til about 5-6pm and then just completely vanishes in the evening that concerns me. And he usually just disappears mid conversation, which is kind of weird too. Judging from his texting habbits, he seems to have his phone with him most of the time, as he replies to me rather timely, if not immediately during day time. Again, I don't expect him to treat me like a priority, because we're merely strangers. I just think his behavior is rather strange. That's all. 1
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 And in regard to that text message I just got from him, I won't reply. I normally would be sleeping by now so his text would have to wait, either way. But silly me, I had coffee at 530pm and now I cant sleep @__@. But i never respond to guys' texts after 11pm.
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 Wow.... Can you see the hypocrisy here? If you were this guy, what would you be thinking right now about the girl? Not interested? Flaky? When in reality, nothing is wrong or alarming. Why do you keep thinking that if he would have taken his time to reply to me, i'd think he's flaky or not interested? Again I have to say it is not the fact that he doesnt reply to me that I find alarming, the fact that he just disappears IN THE EVENING, and only IN THE EVENING is alarming to me. 1
joseb Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Stop overthinking. Just go on the date. And what is it with people getting into texting marathons before they have even gone on a proper date? 5
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