Newlyweds and he Cheated on Me

[sidney2718]

We have only had sex once since the affair. He says that he doesn't feel ready to be with me intimately. He says that he still feels guilty and low for what he did and even if he tries, he can't take out that deception from his mind. I want to be with him intimately and I thought that I was going to be the one that want going to be ready for that but I guess he was also affected by it.

 

I was very saddened by your story. It is awful. Starting an affair so early in a marriage is a very bad signal. People have already pointed that out to you.

 

I'm also concerned about the lack of sex. Normally, after an affair, YOU would be the one unable to have sex with him. Let me put this as gently as possible. Women often have difficulty sleeping with an affair partner and their husbands at the same time. Their bodies want to be loyal to their primary love, the affair partner.

 

Men too show this behavior. Your husband is young and virile. He should be crawling all over you. In fact many people report that when they've confessed and been given a second chance, they find themselves in an orgy of sex.

 

Be warned. His affair may still be going on.

[ShatteredLady]

I just read your first post again. Am I reading correctly? At one point you say you had your first anniversary & then you say that he finally confessed he'd been having the affair for 9 months....Did he start the affair (the flirting, then coffee) less than 3 months after your wedding day?

 

Another thing. You say he told you that, Quote - "Things between them were already dying down and he already planned on ending everything." That's twaddle! You KNOW that SHE said "We've got to stop this I love you...". Sounds like SHE was pulling back & NOT him!

 

Does he wear a wedding ring? If so why was he taking it off when he very first met her?

 

He didn't even think to use a condom!

 

I wonder if he will suddenly be more interested in sex once you're on birth control? He's just been through the abortion of his first child.... He knows that he won't be able to make YOU have an abortion.

 

Where did you think he was when he was having sex with her? She clearly didn't think she was in an affair. He's such a liar!!! How did he 'date' her like they were a regular couple? Most affairs BOTH people know so they sneak around & grab moments. You have to be a great manipulator to make TWO women believe that they are in a full time committed relationship with BOTH of them without either knowing. 9 months is a VERY long time to keep that deception going to BOTH of you!

 

Were they BOTH immediately sure about aborting his baby? Did he have to convince her? Why wasn't she on birth control? She found out about you (when he dumped her) BEFORE the abortion didn't she? Was she trying for the baby? How old is she?

 

I've asked a lot of these questions to make sure you know the answers. How open & honest he's been with you in reconciliation says a lot!

 

Why "Couldn't he finish"? Did he loose his erection? Did he just stop? Was he trying NOT to get you pregnant if you're not on birth control? Are you sure "He COULDN'T finish"?

[Lion Heart]

Yep hi,

 

I agree about the no sex R effort from your WH. That's just weird. A MAN not wanting sex with his BW? Ewww. Yeah I see red flags there. Is he afraid you'll notice he isn't "finishing" again? Many WSs do take their affairs underground. Just be wary.

 

Another thing is what your WH called himself that night after walking out. At the moment of your D Day. Do you know where he went? I'd bet it was to be with OW. Unless he went to a very trusted friends house. Ask him. Did you ask OW?. Him not answering. Him phoning you saying all those things about HIMSELF? much later? I reckon he was telling you he WAS all those things. If you knew he'd raced straight over to OWs to smooth things over with her then he IS a much bigger cad than he first appeared. If that's possible. And ofcourse it is.

 

Food for thought. Would you be so motivated to work on YOUR M (since he behaved like he isn't M) if he went straight to OWs house? INSTEAD of supporting you? With your earth shattering news?

 

I doubt it. When I spoke to the OW on my D Day, I said she should EXPECT WH that night. Especially since their "love was 'so special'". Woah! I assumed he would!

 

He didn't. He hitch hiked to his parents. I had his car.

 

I think you're being deceived.

 

Lion Heart.

[fellini]

Op. Try to sort out what you know, should know, need to know, and might happen.

 

Some advice here is given taking the position of what your future with this man will be like. In the end, as convincing or based in experience as that sounds, it is speculation. So, for me, a BS myself, the least important (I didn't say not important) element here is some unknown future with this man.

 

Let's look instead at what you do know vs. what you should know or need to know.

 

Let's assume, based on FACT, that your husband has been lying to you during the "honeymoon" period of your marriage. If he has, then this puts into question EVERY SINGLE piece of information he has given you since DDAY.

 

As per above: Where did he go that night? You cannot get that information from him because he has shown that he will lie and continue to lie to keep you from the real truth of his affair.

 

Speculation is he went to his AP to damage control there, and came back home to damage control there too. This man believes himself to be in love with two people at the same time. He has already said to her, your marriage was over, you were getting separated. He said his affair was over, he was never going to see her again. He is telling each of you what he thinks you need to hear to keep alive both of you.

 

WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR IS NOT WHAT HE HAS TO SAY. You need to hear the truth. But you are not going to get this from him. Has he gone back to her and claimed things about why he "exaggerated" that the marriage was over? Has he told her he wants out but you refused? That you faked a pregnancy? He could have told her you were NUTS and to stay away from you in case you hurt her. He has surely layered his lies to her with more lies to keep her from contacting you and to keep her "available" as he tries to figure out yet again how to make this work.

 

You see the thing about pathological liars is that they never stop. They will mount lies upon lies to keep the truth from coming out. So while you are peeling back the lies, you are never getting to the truth because peeling one back and holding it before him he will merely wrap it up in yet another.

 

The truth is this man does not know what he wants. He is out of control, has been for some time, and yet enjoys this constant state of tension.

 

You do not need to be a part of his world. In the end, you are no different to him than his AP or his future conquests. Ask yourself if he is desperately trying to stay married to you to prolong the truth coming out.

 

Do you think he would stay with you on the condition that everyone around him would be informed about his past? Or is he trying to keep it under control?

 

Can you live with a man who thinks he wants (or worse, wants those around him to think he wants) to be married but not behave like a married man? It's a very raw moment in discovery of an infidelity for you, but I have to agree with many others here, although in my own case I did not do this, that you need to be apart from this man. You need to see how he is going to be without you. And you without him.

 

Gently leave the man. Explain to him that the best thing right now for this marriage is a structured separation. You need your space.

 

(Now watch as the panic sets in as he fantasizes the worst case scenario that it is now you really who wants to be with someone else, and the jealousy of that thought, entirely in his own head, or the thought that his being an aHOLE will suddenly come to light to all those who know him will drive him into desperate attempts NOT to accept your terms).

I remember my WW accusing me of wanting to ("wanting to!!!") flirt with a shop girl around the corner, all the while she was in deep in an EA with a co-worker....

 

So prepare yourself: Do not suggest a temporary separation - set it up, and tell him. Do not leave the door open for him to "come clean" and you'll stay. Let him know that he will have time to do all that later, but what you need is to be alone and surrounded by family.

 

Go back home to your parents and give yourself time to heal, time to find out the FULL BRUTAL TRUTH about him, and I believe you will discover what you need to know.

 

And one of the things I believe you will see is that he does not have it in him to even be apart from you two weeks: but not because of love. Like an addiction, find out what happens when you go cold turkey and observe his withdrawal pains.

If you cannot bring it upon yourself to leave him, then make one simple demand. You wish to meet with this woman and discuss whatever it is you wish to discuss with her ALONE. A coffee or whatever.

 

(Now watch as he lies and attempts to disagree or invents things about her that will prevent this from happening. Pathological liars refuse to give up control over the flow of misinformation. Which is to say, he cares NOT for your pain, he only wishes for this drama to pass so that he may get back to "normal").

Edited October 15, 2015 by fellini

[sandylee1]

I went back to your first post and he's not being truthful with you. I can see so many holes in his story, it might as well be a colander.

I picked out a few and commented.

 

"He didn't' know why it happened, it just did, he can't even find reasons for it to happen

 

******So it will happen again then if he doesn't know why******

 

"He admitted that when I found out before, what he said was a lie.

There had been an affair going on but he had cut it off the day I found out"

 

*******(****This doesn't make sense. If he ended it, why was she texting that she was overwhelmed and saying to cut back on the I love yous. That's not what someone who's been dumped would say. It was HIM pouring affection on HER. It was HIM telling HER he would be getting divorced from YOU. So he either intended to do so or he was deceiving and leading her on. I believe it was the latter, but is that the husband you want? Deceiving the two of you, without batting an eyelid.*************

 

"He hadn't made any contact with her until a few weeks later she reached out to him and told him that she was pregnant....... she was going to have an abortion so he kept contact with her to show support. Then things went back to having the affair again.

He admitted that they had intercourse 3 more times after I found out the first time"

 

********Was this 3 more times before or after the abortion? Remember he claims he dumped her the day before you found out the first time. So this must have been after the abortion, since he says he only kept in contact for support...... according to his version of the truth.**********

 

"But that he wasn't able to finish with her either because of how bad he felt for what he was doing behind my back"

 

*****So, he tried a second and a third time to see if he could finish then? He obviously didn't feel that bad and was a man on a mission. He's had sex with her 2 more times in this period than he has with you his wife since the second time you found out.

 

"He said that he was nothing to her"

 

************ So he wanted to be something to her?**********

 

 

"she kept insisting and insisting but at the end he gave in and it seemed easy"

 

********Before or after the abortion? Or both ?*********

 

"Things between them were already dying down and he already planned on ending everything"

 

******** Is this ending it for the second time?*******

 

 

He says neither she or any other woman could surpass you, but after 3 MONTHS OF MARRIAGE, he started talking to another woman. ........really. Can I ask did he they both work at that place before the wedding? Did he hide the fact that he was getting married at work?

Would coworkers not have known he was newly married ?

 

 

"how stupid and weak he was"

 

**************He's spot on here ***********

 

 

*****(So even after getting her pregnant....he still didn't learn and went right back there?. Do you see how bad this is?. That should have been a big wake up call, and if it ended, you wouldn't have known anything.....but he went back for more and I'll bet no protection was used*****.

 

" I am his best friend and he doesn't want to lose me"

 

*******you don't treat your best friend like this and while he doesn't want to loose you, you didn't want him to cheat....he did it anyway and you had no say in that. He risked loosing you and he needs to face the consequences**********

 

"He said that as soon as he left the house that night he called her and ended everything"

 

*******they still work together though. Him telling you when he arrives and leaves work means nothing. How do you know he's not taking a day off with her? You can't know for sure and cheaters often do this.

 

They could hook up at lunch time and you'd be none the wiser. It's another time that coworkers in affairs get together.

 

He could be using email at work or IM or messenger apps that can be installed and uninstalled. ********

 

Then to crown it all YOU are being denied intimacy after he cheated....my word he must know you love him to tolerate that nonsense. When exactly will he be able to perform and how long are you to accept this.

 

You were denied sex during the affair and now after the affair .........does he wonder what's in this for you? Because from where I'm standing it's a big sh** sandwich for you. He got the fun and you're devastated, through no fault of your own.

 

You can do so much better than this and you deserve so much better.

 

He's not mature enough for marriage now and still wants the pleasure of sleeping with other women. You dated from high school and maybe he feels he's missed outon playing the field.

 

A question for him, is can HE see HIMSELF remaining faithful for the next 30/40 years if you were to stay married? No other women?

[Lion Heart]

Sandylee

 

Such a thorough examination of the truth I've never seen.

Hope you haven't missed your calling!! Family law attorney for sure.

 

Gosh OP. I've just re-read your thread. My mind is exploding. Yours must've exploded.

 

Please try to assimilate.

Please try to digest this rationally if at all possible.

 

Your emotional mind may be completely overwhelmed.

Try to invoke your rational mind and you can do it like this......

 

imagine your sister or much adored childhood girlfriend comes to you with this EXACT scenario as you've brought to us.

 

what would you say to HER?

what on earth would you DO for her?

 

Sweetheart, I sincerely know what you're going through.

Many of us here KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

 

WE don't have to imagine. Sadly we actually KNOW.

 

THIS (horrid) person you married will lie

Will tell you everything he KNOWS to turn you into putty in his hands.

 

Get some and ALL questions in your mind down on paper. WRITE THEM DOWN.

 

Tell him you've booked a lie detector test. You don't TRUST him

And why should you.

 

Tell him THIS DAY IS MY LAST D DAY. Tell me now EVERYTHING or when I surprise a lie detector test on you, every last item of yours will already be packed and ONE LIE found out that day. ONE. WE ARE DONE.

 

MAKE IT NOW. Or we are DONE THAT DAY.

 

Make time. It took 3 days for my WH to come clean. He trickled each and every woman out over 3 days. So much. So so much

I'm the one that "halted proceedings" each day.

A new day. New truths.

 

A metaphorical gun to his head. Use it.

 

You are in deep if you stay.

 

Please keep us posted on your updates.

 

Lion Heart.

[Furious]

Sandy92

 

You've been given excellent advice here. I realize it won't be easy and your heart and mind are in conflict.

 

You love your husband and your husband loves himself. The imbalance of this equates to you accepting that loving yourself and doing what is best for you is secondary.

 

Challenge your fears, challenge your insecurities, challenge the familiar for the unknown, challenge your courage, challenge yourself to not settle.

 

Think beyond the box and outside the box.

 

Courage is admitting failure, courage is facing failure and not it allowing it to determine your future. You are your own best hero, listen to your gut and face your fears.

 

This is the time to be your own hero, to not settle for less than your worth.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Furious

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think one of the most important things to remember as a betrayed spouse....

 

You did not fail....no matter what issues the relationship had....it was his choice to lie and cheat.

 

You did not give up on your relationship...he did...he turned to someone else instead of to you

 

You are not a quitter...he is...he quit thinking of you first, he quite being moral, he quit being responsible.

 

I am very very sorry this happened to you...because no one deserves to be treated this way....and since you have been married a short time and this has already happened....I would get out of this relationship and find someone you deserve.

 

You do not have to settle for this...love yourself enough to get out.

[Sandy92]

Checking in.

Thank you for all of your feedback. I have been working on a list of questions that I want to ask him, need to ask him. Although as many of you pointed out, he could just keep lying to me again.

 

Would you suggest that I contact the OW and try to get her side of the store and then compare it to what my husband has to say? I am indecisive if I should contact her or not.

[gettingstronger]

NO- do not contact your OW- biggest mistake I ever made was answering one of her texts- it allowed her to be part of our lives again and amped up the drama- made her feel like I valued her in some way which I did not- its tempting I know, but please don't do it-

 

FYI- we are 2.5 years from dday and she STILL intrudes in our lives, I wish I had never, ever let her in-

[Mrs. John Adams]

No do not contact the other woman. She will also lie to you.

 

I understand you want answers...you may never get them.

[fellini]

Checking in.

Thank you for all of your feedback. I have been working on a list of questions that I want to ask him, need to ask him. Although as many of you pointed out, he could just keep lying to me again.

 

Would you suggest that I contact the OW and try to get her side of the store and then compare it to what my husband has to say? I am indecisive if I should contact her or not.

 

I say yes, if you are up to it. But not to compare notes. To hear what she has to say, not as a sounding board for you to talk about your husband and their affair. To put, also a human face to this false marriage he has. Not to cry and show her what she and he have done to you, but to get from her where she is with your husband.

 

Of course I am assuming you are trying to get the truth, not find a way to convince yourself that your H is a victim. Of course she could lie. Of course they could have already agreed upon their stories... but you will know that when you hear the words coming from her lips.

[HereNorThere]

Every OW is different and some are vicious sociopaths that hunt married people for relationships because it helps fulfill their need for intimacy without the heavy lifting that a real intimate relationship entails. However, it does sound like yours was duped as well. She was honest with you the first time and unless he has her really brainwashed, she most likely would be again.

 

My thought is - what do you have to gain from talking to her? What answers do you think you are going to get? I can assure you that you have all the information you need.

 

There's nothing she can say to make you feel better nor did she betray you. If anything, she's as innocent a victim as you are. I know you think that having more information will give you some sense of control, but truthfully it's probably just going to make your PTSD worse.

 

You know enough right now to decide whether or not this is the life for you. It's okay, we all make mistakes. We've all trusted someone we shouldn't have trusted. Sure, you married too young and also the wrong person, but those are mistakes lots of people have made. You're young enough now that you still have a chance at a better life but that won't always be the case.

[Lion Heart]

Sandy92

 

Check with the law in your area.

 

I will tell you that I did contact every OW. I had 1 phonecall only with OW number 1 (which was the 'last' OW unbeknownst to me at the time). I am not ADVISING you to contact her necessarily at all because of others experiences.

 

My experience was that I called her FIRST before speaking with WH. I KNEW HE'D LIE TO ME. If he could have an A (and yes I'd asked him for years after every bad dream I'd had. I got a load of BS straight back in my face).

 

I got more than 3 pages of notes. Sure she started a drama herself. The police got involved. She got them involved and it backfired on her and WH. Not me.

 

Another OW was my "friend" I CERTAINLY SPOKE WITH HER!!!!!

 

The MAJOR thing for you to realize is that CHEATERS LIE.

 

THEY DECEIVE.

THEY MINIMIZE THE TRUTH (which is lying by omission).

 

They do everything they can to maintain the status quo in their fake M.

Most of the time THEY DO NOT WANT THE TRUTH EXPOSED. Because THEY will be exposed. Who they ACTUALLY are will be exposed.

 

That's why I ALWAYS advocate exposure.

 

As you may read in the OW section and MAN it took me months to go there. Many OWs are completely fooled into As. Your WH OW seemed to be by his lies. LIES TO GET WHAT THEY WANT.

 

THEY MANIPULATE.

 

I'd estimate most OWs want the WH for themselves. Some think it's about the only way to get a man! OMG.

 

Some but I think very few, are simply serial OWs and never want the WH. At all.

 

You can avoid talking with OW. I would advise against ever meeting them / her for coffee! So far every OW has wanted to do that with me. Yuk yuk yuk. One even wanted to be my friend and a friend of the marriage. Oh Lo**.

 

If you do and you already have ofcourse. Take notes. My notes are copied 5x. Copies held in different sites. Yeah I'm not paranoid. I have a SMOA (save my own a$$) file for work and personal papers. These are papers I always want to keep safe.

 

Good luck.

 

EXPOSE HIM.

 

LION HEART.

[pondhawk]

I want to be with him, I want us to be happy. But I am scared. Scared of staying and being hurt and lied to again. But I am also just as scared of leaving a marriage that could be repairable. I like to think that he is going to change and that he is going to be the husband I thought he was, I hate to think that I am just giving myself false hopes.

 

You are giving yourself false hope. I am so sorry for your pain.

 

Let's look at the facts:

As newlyweds, he was telling another woman that he LOVED her.

He was lying to both of you, hiding your existence.

Had unprotected sex, risking your health.

Had unprotected sex, risking your wealth (child support if the child was born).

Got caught the first time and became better at hiding things.

Lied to you again when he told you he stopped.

Got caught a second time and DISAPPEARED (probably ran to OW house to see if he can win her back).

Came home to you with the pitiful "I'm so horrible" song. (Feel sorry for me!)

 

Listen closely: THIS IS WHO HE IS.

 

He is showing you exactly who he is by his ACTIONS. Never, and I repeat, never believe a word he tells you. Believe his actions. You do not need to contact the OW to compare notes. He is loud and clear by his actions.

 

He's eating cake. He's doing what he wants, what no married man should be doing. You are feeding him cake by feeling sorry for him and not kicking his a$$ out on the street. Do not feel sorry for this manipulator.

 

I could have written your post. I was married to a manipulator whom I forgave because I THOUGHT we were in reconciliation. Do you know where that got me? 10 more years of lies. A DECADE of my life wasted. He said all the right things while going further underground. I taught him how to be sneakier by staying when I should have left.

 

Don't make my mistake. You are soooooo young. You have your whole life ahead. You WILL find someone who cherishes you, who is a real man with character, a real husband who wouldn't dream of doing those things to his wife.

 

I did eventually leave my cheater and remarried at 41, so it is possible.

 

Please look up Chump Lady and read her posts everyday. Everyday. Many people have said it has helped them heal quicker than IC. Don't forget to do this.

 

Many, many ((((hugs))))

[Lois_Griffin]

Checking in.

Thank you for all of your feedback. I have been working on a list of questions that I want to ask him, need to ask him. Although as many of you pointed out, he could just keep lying to me again.

 

Would you suggest that I contact the OW and try to get her side of the store and then compare it to what my husband has to say? I am indecisive if I should contact her or not.

You're a very sweet young lady but unfortunately, extremely naïve.

 

One of the first things your husband did after D-Day was contact this woman and tell her the lies he told you so she'd know exactly what his 'story' is should you come looking for information from her. If he told you they had sex 10 times and it was awful every time, then that's what he told her to say if you come looking for answers - that it was 10 times and they were all awful.

 

Her loyalties lie with your husband, not you. She was complicit for months in helping him keep their affair a secret, so she has NO loyalty to you at all. You'd get more truth from shaking one of those Crazy 8 balls and asking for an answer.

 

Secondly, your husband is a seral cheater. You can hope all you want that he'll magically change - but realistically, that hasn't been working for you. This is now number #2 on his cheating resume - that you KNOW of. And trust me, there are probably a few things you DON'T know about. Unfortunately, with serial cheaters, you don't catch them every single time. It's a game of numbers for guys like him - he wins some, he loses some. He's lost twice but has probably gotten away with A LOT more than you realize; it would be naïve to assume you caught him both times he chose to cheat.

 

Your list of questions will probably be answered with mostly lies, half truths, a bunch of minimizing and a bunch of denial. The FIRST duty of every cheater is to cover their asses any way they can. It's ALL about damage control for him right now, so he's NOT going to hand you the most damning evidence if he doesn't HAVE to.

 

You need to ask yourself - if this OW didn't have an abortion and chose instead to carry your husband's child to term, do you have any idea how miserable your marriage would have been going forward? He would have been in contact with this woman for the next 20 years and a good portion of his paycheck would have been going to child support. There would have been constant drama between the two of them, either fighting and constantly going to court over support issues etc. etc. etc. - or worse, a CONTINUED affair between the two of them because they'd be tethered to each other for life. You might have even been taking care of this child every other weekend if he'd insisted on visitation.

 

It was ONLY because of her choice to have an abortion that you didn't have this HELL dumped on your doorstep. It certainly ISN'T because of anything positive HE did.

 

Lastly, I'm going to paint a picture of your future 5 years from now. By then, you might have purchased a house together and have a lot more combined financial entanglements. You may have maybe 1 or 2 kids by then, maybe a dog. And you'll come back here and tell us all how you should have taken everyone's advice because sure as the sun rises and sets, this guy has done nothing but cheat on you over and over and over. Except NOW, you can't leave because you don't have a job anymore and you have 2 kids clinging to your leg and you're upside down on the mortgage and maybe have $20,000 in credit card debt, and on and on and on.

 

While your sweet, gentle and trusting nature is such a wonderful character trait to have, it's also the very thing that will misguide you and keep you tethered to someone who will hurt you again and again and again.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[Mrs. John Adams]

you're a very sweet young lady but unfortunately, extremely naïve.

 

One of the first things your husband did after d-day was contact this woman and tell her the lies he told you so she'd know exactly what his 'story' is should you come looking for information from her. If he told you they had sex 10 times and it was awful every time, then that's what he told her to say if you come looking for answers - that it was 10 times and they were all awful.

 

Her loyalties lie with your husband, not you. She was complicit for months in helping him keep their affair a secret, so she has no loyalty to you at all. You'd get more truth from shaking one of those crazy 8 balls and asking for an answer.

 

Secondly, your husband is a seral cheater. You can hope all you want that he'll magically change - but realistically, that hasn't been working for you. This is now number #2 on his cheating resume - that you know of. And trust me, there are probably a few things you don't know about. Unfortunately, with serial cheaters, you don't catch them every single time. It's a game of numbers for guys like him - he wins some, he loses some. He's lost twice but has probably gotten away with a lot more than you realize; it would be naïve to assume you caught him both times he chose to cheat.

 

Your list of questions will probably be answered with mostly lies, half truths, a bunch of minimizing and a bunch of denial. The first duty of every cheater is to cover their asses any way they can. It's all about damage control for him right now, so he's not going to hand you the most damning evidence if he doesn't have to.

 

You need to ask yourself - if this ow didn't have an abortion and chose instead to carry your husband's child to term, do you have any idea how miserable your marriage would have been going forward? He would have been in contact with this woman for the next 20 years and a good portion of his paycheck would have been going to child support. There would have been constant drama between the two of them, either fighting and constantly going to court over support issues etc. Etc. Etc. - or worse, a continued affair between the two of them because they'd be tethered to each other for life. You might have even been taking care of this child every other weekend if he'd insisted on visitation.

 

It was only because of her choice to have an abortion that you didn't have this hell dumped on your doorstep. It certainly isn't because of anything positive he did.

 

Lastly, i'm going to paint a picture of your future 5 years from now. By then, you might have purchased a house together and have a lot more combined financial entanglements. You may have maybe 1 or 2 kids by then, maybe a dog. And you'll come back here and tell us all how you should have taken everyone's advice because sure as the sun rises and sets, this guy has done nothing but cheat on you over and over and over. Except now, you can't leave because you don't have a job anymore and you have 2 kids clinging to your leg and you're upside down on the mortgage and maybe have $20,000 in credit card debt, and on and on and on.

 

While your sweet, gentle and trusting nature is such a wonderful character trait to have, it's also the very thing that will misguide you and keep you tethered to someone who will hurt you again and again and again.

 

this^^^^^^^^yeppers

[HereNorThere]

In my state, if you are married to him, technically you would both have to pay child support for his girlfriend's kid and they could even come after YOUR wages. The courts see you as one person and when they decide how much the child deserves, both of of your incomes will be taken into account. Even if your marriage dissolves, you could still be on the hook to pay if it was conceived while you were legally one entity.

[sandylee1]

In my state, if you are married to him, technically you would both have to pay child support for his girlfriend's kid and they could even come after YOUR wages. The courts see you as one person and when they decide how much the child deserves, both of of your incomes will be taken into account. Even if your marriage dissolves, you could still be on the hook to pay if it was conceived while you were legally one entity.

 

Seriously! That's incredible. Is this in the USA?

 

If I wasn't going to get divorced - I'd do so quick smart in this scenario. Hell would freeze over before I paid for my cheating husband's child from an affair.

 

Sandy - As others have said, he will have told the OW what to say to you. Don't waste your time. You should be enjoying your early married years, but instead you having to deal with infidelity at this young age. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

 

You know enough to decide how to try and navigate this. I know it's a truly horrible situation. Get him to write a timeline of the affair from the beginning to end. It needs to include everything and he better not develop amnesia when it comes to details.

 

Now .....it seems he deceived this woman, but many OW are initially deceived and after learning the truth .....They stay because they are 'so in love'

 

Imagine another OW in the future doesn't care that he's married and comes on to him.......He's told you he's weak ....so he'll cheat again.

Why wouldn't he if it was offered on a plate?

Don't believe him saying that now he's seen how hurt you are, he would never do it again.

 

There will ALWAYS be a woman out there happy to settle for a MM. In her mind, YOU will be the evil wife making his life a misery. It's this kind of thing that really can put you in danger.

 

You don't know what another woman's mental health might be or what she's capable of.

 

The OW sees you as an obstacle and will be:

 

- Jealous of you because you have what she wants

- Angry when your husband takes you out on dates

- Angry and jealous when you both go on vacation

- Angry and jealous when she sees pictures of you both on social media

- Jealous when you call and she's with him

 

Quite simply you don't know what kind of lunatic you could be dealing with, when a third party is brought into your marriage.

[ShatteredLady]

You're in the honeymoon phase. This is as good as it gets!

Wait until you're big & pregnant with morning sickness. The sleep deprivation with a new baby is brutal. What happens if you get sick? post birth depression? I never thought I'd end-up a chronic pain sufferer. What if he looses his job? Life can & does get routine & boring at times. His parents will die so will yours. You will encounter so much life!

 

After affairs there's all the drama. All the new connection. I truly believe that some get addicted to the drama in their lives.

 

What if this is as good as it gets?

[HereNorThere]

Seriously! That's incredible. Is this in the USA?

 

Yup. Child support really isn't much different than any other financial obligation or judgement in the eyes of the law. If he stopped paying or lost his job and couldn't pay they could go after any kind joint assets or income like tax returns, bank accounts, etc. Also, the spouses income is included in the net worth of parent, so it will raise the child support payments.

 

One of my best friends recently had his child support reduced because his ex got remarried. Since her net income more than doubled his after that, he was reduced by nearly 40%. The weird thing is that they have 50/50 custody, so I don't even understand why he has to pay at all, but the courts ruled her the custodial parent, so now she uses his money to take lavish vacations with her affair partner/new husband while he watches the kids. The child support system isn't really fair by any means. Plenty of people have DNA tests proving a child isn't there's and still have to pay simply because they were married to the person who had the child.

 

I'm sure OP already has a lot to digest, but just remember that marriage is more than just a committed relationship. It's a legal binding contract that states you are both responsible for debt incurred during the marriage. Be thankful you dodged this bullet, but don't put yourself back in the line of fire.

Edited October 16, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Lion Heart]

How are you doing Sandy92?

 

Sage wisdom and, sadly, experience too offered ^^^^.

 

Similar if not almost identical rulings here in the land of Oz.

 

Life isn't fair alot of the time.

 

Changing the boundaries is what WILL protect you more from now on. If you file for D on this knowledge then any child conceived outside the marriage, after you do this may not impinge you.

 

Seriously, the "I love yous" from WH to his OW and return affair PLUS unprotected sex is smacking you in the face here.

 

He loves her! Set him loose! Let her HAVE HIM! Good luck to them both. Alot of couples who are dating and in love will have the baby, get M or whatever. If WH was single this may have happened because as EVERYONE is reminding you, OW opted for the termination. What did WH want? A WHOLE FAMILY OUTSIDE your M? Well it's already happened and in your FIRST year of M! It's incredulous.

 

You need to share this knowledge with your close AND TRUSTED friends, siblings etc. You need people around you that will support you during your weak times. Right now WH has you over a barrel.

 

Lion Heart.

[turnera]

I don't want my parents to know just yet, not until I decide that I really want to leave him for good.

This is a mistake. Your parents knowing is a good litmus test, second only to a polygraph.

 

I always tell betrayed spouses that, for you to be willing to let the cheater stay, you insist that he go to your parents and tell them what he did, and ask their forgiveness.

 

If he is unwilling to do that, then he just wants to stay married because it's convenient to him. If he's willing to do it, it means he really DOES love you and realizes how horrible he's been to you and will do ANYTHING to make it up to you.

 

I know you think they'll hate him and never allow him over or something if he tells them, but the opposite is also true - IF he comes to them hat in hand and asks for their forgiveness, it will show a level of integrity in him that they just might respect.

 

Plus, you need their support, no matter which way this goes.

 

That said, his unwillingness to have sex with you is a HUGE problem, that will NOT get better. You need him in therapy with you NOW.

Edited October 16, 2015 by turnera

[sandylee1]

This is a mistake. Your parents knowing is a good litmus test, second only to a polygraph.

 

I always tell betrayed spouses that, for you to be willing to let the cheater stay, you insist that he go to your parents and tell them what he did, and ask their forgiveness.

 

If he is unwilling to do that, then he just wants to stay married because it's convenient to him. If he's willing to do it, it means he really DOES love you and realizes how horrible he's been to you and will do ANYTHING to make it up to you.

 

I know you think they'll hate him and never allow him over or something if he tells them, but the opposite is also true - IF he comes to them hat in hand and asks for their forgiveness, it will show a level of integrity in him that they just might respect.

 

 

I would usually agree with this but........ there was a WH here recently who did exactly that...went and begged his (also newlywed) wife's mom for forgiveness and apologised for what he'd done.... I think he was on his knees to her mom and I remember saying he would not have done that if he didn't love her.

 

Then while the BW.........found him and the OW in the marital bed.......although not in the act. He admitted he wanted them both.

 

The affair went from being 2 months, to 7 months to a year I think. About half the duration of the marriage at the time .

[d0nnivain]

Has the OP ever been back in this thread?