Newlyweds and he Cheated on Me

[Sandy92]

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half now. I found out he was cheating about 6 Months ago and I decided to stay although sometimes I get second thoughts.

 

My Husband and I met in high school and were dating for four years before we got married in April 2014. Our married life was great, or that's how it was for me. We would have a lot of sex at the beginning of our marriage but within 2-3 months it started to decrease. It all started with one time, halfway through intercourse, we stopped because he couldn't "finish." He said he was tired and maybe that was the reason his body wasn't responding the way it should be. I was more than understanding, we are hardworking and very active individuals and I understand that the body gets tired so I didn't put much attention to that first hint of what was going on.

 

As the weeks went on, we had less and less intercourse and when we did, the same thing kept happening. It started to concern me because when we were dating he couldn't keep his hand off of me. I was getting somewhat suspicious but tried ignoring it because I trust him immensely and in my mind I knew he wasn't capable of doing something to hurt me.

 

The days kept going by and I noticed that he would spend more time in the bathroom than usual and that he always had his phone with him. Once I noticed that, I noticed that his phone was always with him, especially in his pocket. I got even more suspicious when he started putting it under his pillow at night.

 

One night I decided that I needed to check his phone, so I did. That night we had been drinking and I knew that it was the best opportunity because he is a very heavy sleeper when he has had a few drinks. So I discreetly pulled his phone from under his pillow. It was turned off. I turned it on to see if maybe he would get a text or call from someone. Minutes after I turned it on, two messages appeared from a woman. "I am a bit overwhelmed, let's stop this whole I love you thing."

 

Instantly I felt my body tremble and my heart race. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I wanted to cry so badly. I kept the phone and decided to confront him the next day.

 

The next day I couldn't bring myself to ask him, but he did notice that I was cold and distant. When he asked me what was wrong, I completely broke down in tears. I told him what had happened and why I checked his phone and how he hasn't touched me. He admitted that she was a coworker and that she had been throwing herself at him and after her trying many times, he finally gave in to go out for coffee a few times and that she had kissed him. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I was just sitting there blankly looking at the floor as he continued explaining.

 

He said that it didn't mean anything and that he was only playing with her and that he was doing that for excitement.

 

In the end he agreed to cut everything to do with her.

 

I tried to put it all behind me. Our marriage started to get a bit better. He wasn't hiding his phone anymore, but I still couldn't get rid or that little gut feeling at the pit of my stomach.

 

Months later I guess he got a bit too comfortable and I started noticing little things again. I didn't ask him, I wanted to make sure I had evidence in case he tried to lie about anything. I checked his phone a few times over the months hoping to find something, but I never did. No messages or calls.

 

I almost began to think that I was crazy until one night I checked his phone and I felt my whole life shatter. This was about two weeks after our first anniversary.

 

That night he forgot to erase the messages from his phone. It was the same woman. By the messages I could see that they had a relationship. At the moment I didn't know what to do.My mind was racing, I started thinking about where I was going to go and live and what things I would take with me. I didn't know what to do. My mind was whirling and all I could do is look at him with disgust. After almost thirty minutes of thinking and thinking, I finally decided to contact her.

 

First I decided to text her as if I was my husband to see if I could get any information out of her. I woke her up (it was 2:00 AM). She insisted to talk over the phone because she wanted to talk to him. I then decided to tell her who I was and ask her who she was. She didn't believe me and thought he was playing a joke on her. She then called the phone, I hesitated but then answered.

 

She kept asking me if my husband and I were legit because he had told her that he was married but that he and I were separated. I kept reassuring her that we are married and have been living under the same roof for over a year. After she finally realized what I was saying was true she began to tell me about them two. They had started dating in July, for almost 9 months, and that she had gotten pregnant but got an abortion, she kept telling me that he loved her and that he was going to get a divorce to be with her. All at the time I was speechless. She asked for me to wake him up so that he could clear things up with the two of us.

 

He was drunk that night so it was hard to wake him up, but once he did and realized what was going on he panicked. He seemed like he was gasping for air and didn't know what to do with himself. He got the phone from my hand and hung up and just put his hands to his face while trying to come to his senses. I kept trying to get answers from me but he just sat there breathing rapidly.

 

I had to step out of the room for a bit, I couldn't handle being in there so I went to the bathroom to get myself to calm down a bit. After about almost 5 minutes I heard the front door shut. He ran out of the house drunk! I kept calling his cell phone but he didn't answer. I kept texting him but no response.

 

Hours went by and he didn't come home and he didn't answer my calls. I just kept getting the same texts: "I am so sorry, I don't deserve you, I am such an idiot, I hate myself, I deserve to die, you deserve better, I am worthless, an idiot, scum bag, I am sorry, I hate myself, I deserve to be on the streets!"

 

I couldn't sleep, all I could do was cry and cry and feel worthless. I just laid in bed letting the tears flow out of my eyes, until I fell asleep for about 15 minutes. It was about 9:00 AM when I was woken up by my phone ringing, it was my husband. I picked up. He asked me to meet him at a park, he was really sorry and that he was going to tell me everything.

 

I met him at the park. He got into the car and there was an awkward silence. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. After a moment he started to tell me everything. He didn't' know why it happened, it just did, he can't even find reasons for it to happen. He admitted that when I found out before, what he said was a lie. There had been an affair going on but he had cut it off the day I found out. He hadn't made any contact with her until a few weeks later she reached out to him and told him that she was pregnant. She told him that she didn't want to have the baby and that she was going to have an abortion so he kept contact with her to show support. Then things went back to having the affair again. He said he felt stupid for saying so but that he couldn't stop it. He felt horrible but he couldn't figure out how to stop it from happening. He admitted that they had intercourse 3 more times after I found out the first time but that he wasn't able to finish with her either because of how bad he felt for what he was doing behind my back.

 

He said that he was nothing to her, that she nor any other woman will ever be as great as the woman I am to him. No one could surpass, much less, replace me. He kept telling me that she kept insisting and insisting but at the end he gave in and it seemed easy. When he tried to stop it everything was already too far along and he didn't know how to. Things between them were already dying down and he already planned on ending everything. He hates himself for everything and all the pain that he has caused me and for how stupid and weak he was. He knew he didn't deserve and that I deserved better but he couldn't live without me, I am his best friend and he doesn't want to lose me. He said that as soon as he left the house that night he called her and ended everything, telling her that he didn't want anything to do with her again.

 

After hours of him pleading my forgiveness we finally went home. I hated him, I have never hated someone so much before in my life. I didn't talk to him, much less look at him. He just sat there and looked at me like a helpless puppy. I just stood in the room looking around, deciding what I was going to start packing first. I got a box, he looked at me frightened and asked me in a quivering voice,"what are you doing?" I told him I was leaving.

 

He jolted up and cried like I have never seen before. He pleaded and got on his knees. He pleaded for a second chance and if after I some time if I didn't want to be with him that he would understand, but to at least let him try. After he cried his heart out I decided that I would give him another chance.

 

It has now been six months since the affair and we are both still working on our marriage. He is trying really hard. He always leaves his phone out, I have the passcode, he calls me when he arrives and leaves at work or any other place. He doesn't go anywhere or do anything without checking in with me first. He is very affectionate and helps out around the house, such as cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry or the dishes. He is starting to be sweeter as he used to be when we were dating. Everything seems almost perfect now. I have checked his phone without him knowing, not because I suspected anything or saw hints, but because I just wanted to make sure that he is in fact doing what he says he is. I also keep track of the messages and calls on his phone. He's doing really good.

 

When we are together everything is fine, we have so much fun and are so happy with each other but sometimes the whole thing pops up in my head at random and sometimes I start doubting him again for no reason. I sometimes even notice that this happens on the best days that we have.

 

We have only had sex once since the affair. He says that he doesn't feel ready to be with me intimately. He says that he still feels guilty and low for what he did and even if he tries, he can't take out that deception from his mind. I want to be with him intimately and I thought that I was going to be the one that want going to be ready for that but I guess he was also affected by it.

 

I don't know what to think sometimes. I want our marriage to work and I want us to stay together for ever and reach our goals and dreams that we had planned, but sometimes I get scared to completely trust in him again and I don't even think I could ever go back to fully trusting him as I used to.

 

Sometimes I feel that I am a bit mean to him and get mad for things I didn't use to get about, I feel that I still have anger inside of me and I don't like taking it out on him when all he has done since then is be nothing but loving and sweet to me. I want to be happy but I can't get the affair out of my mind.

 

I still find myself crying about it and feel the same pain as the day I found out. I would be completely happy and in an instant the pain would come back into my mind. It is so hard, but I want to make it work.

 

Have any of you forgiven your spouse after an affair? If you did how did you work it out? Do you have any suggestions or advice that would help in the process?

 

I know this was really long, but I appreciate all of you that took the time to read it. Any feed back is much appreciated. I don't really have anybody to talk to so it would help to get some feedback and also your thoughts on this whole situation.

 

Thank you.

[Furious]

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half now. I found out he was cheating about 6 Months ago and I decided to stay although sometimes I get second thoughts.

 

My Husband and I met in high school and were dating for four years before we got married in April 2014. Our married life was great, or that's how it was for me. We would have a lot of sex at the beginning of our marriage but within 2-3 months it started to decrease. It all started with one time, halfway through intercourse, we stopped because he couldn't "finish." He said he was tired and maybe that was the reason his body wasn't responding the way it should be. I was more than understanding, we are hardworking and very active individuals and I understand that the body gets tired so I didn't put much attention to that first hint of what was going on.

 

As the weeks went on, we had less and less intercourse and when we did, the same thing kept happening. It started to concern me because when we were dating he couldn't keep his hand off of me. I was getting somewhat suspicious but tried ignoring it because I trust him immensely and in my mind I knew he wasn't capable of doing something to hurt me.

 

The days kept going by and I noticed that he would spend more time in the bathroom than usual and that he always had his phone with him. Once I noticed that, I noticed that his phone was always with him, especially in his pocket. I got even more suspicious when he started putting it under his pillow at night.

 

One night I decided that I needed to check his phone, so I did. That night we had been drinking and I knew that it was the best opportunity because he is a very heavy sleeper when he has had a few drinks. So I discreetly pulled his phone from under his pillow. It was turned off. I turned it on to see if maybe he would get a text or call from someone. Minutes after I turned it on, two messages appeared from a woman. "I am a bit overwhelmed, let's stop this whole I love you thing."

 

Instantly I felt my body tremble and my heart race. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I wanted to cry so badly. I kept the phone and decided to confront him the next day.

 

The next day I couldn't bring myself to ask him, but he did notice that I was cold and distant. When he asked me what was wrong, I completely broke down in tears. I told him what had happened and why I checked his phone and how he hasn't touched me. He admitted that she was a coworker and that she had been throwing herself at him and after her trying many times, he finally gave in to go out for coffee a few times and that she had kissed him. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I was just sitting there blankly looking at the floor as he continued explaining.

 

He said that it didn't mean anything and that he was only playing with her and that he was doing that for excitement.

 

In the end he agreed to cut everything to do with her.

 

I tried to put it all behind me. Our marriage started to get a bit better. He wasn't hiding his phone anymore, but I still couldn't get rid or that little gut feeling at the pit of my stomach.

 

Months later I guess he got a bit too comfortable and I started noticing little things again. I didn't ask him, I wanted to make sure I had evidence in case he tried to lie about anything. I checked his phone a few times over the months hoping to find something, but I never did. No messages or calls.

 

I almost began to think that I was crazy until one night I checked his phone and I felt my whole life shatter. This was about two weeks after our first anniversary.

 

That night he forgot to erase the messages from his phone. It was the same woman. By the messages I could see that they had a relationship. At the moment I didn't know what to do.My mind was racing, I started thinking about where I was going to go and live and what things I would take with me. I didn't know what to do. My mind was whirling and all I could do is look at him with disgust. After almost thirty minutes of thinking and thinking, I finally decided to contact her.

 

First I decided to text her as if I was my husband to see if I could get any information out of her. I woke her up (it was 2:00 AM). She insisted to talk over the phone because she wanted to talk to him. I then decided to tell her who I was and ask her who she was. She didn't believe me and thought he was playing a joke on her. She then called the phone, I hesitated but then answered.

 

She kept asking me if my husband and I were legit because he had told her that he was married but that he and I were separated. I kept reassuring her that we are married and have been living under the same roof for over a year. After she finally realized what I was saying was true she began to tell me about them two. They had started dating in July, for almost 9 months, and that she had gotten pregnant but got an abortion, she kept telling me that he loved her and that he was going to get a divorce to be with her. All at the time I was speechless. She asked for me to wake him up so that he could clear things up with the two of us.

 

He was drunk that night so it was hard to wake him up, but once he did and realized what was going on he panicked. He seemed like he was gasping for air and didn't know what to do with himself. He got the phone from my hand and hung up and just put his hands to his face while trying to come to his senses. I kept trying to get answers from me but he just sat there breathing rapidly.

 

I had to step out of the room for a bit, I couldn't handle being in there so I went to the bathroom to get myself to calm down a bit. After about almost 5 minutes I heard the front door shut. He ran out of the house drunk! I kept calling his cell phone but he didn't answer. I kept texting him but no response.

 

Hours went by and he didn't come home and he didn't answer my calls. I just kept getting the same texts: "I am so sorry, I don't deserve you, I am such an idiot, I hate myself, I deserve to die, you deserve better, I am worthless, an idiot, scum bag, I am sorry, I hate myself, I deserve to be on the streets!"

 

I couldn't sleep, all I could do was cry and cry and feel worthless. I just laid in bed letting the tears flow out of my eyes, until I fell asleep for about 15 minutes. It was about 9:00 AM when I was woken up by my phone ringing, it was my husband. I picked up. He asked me to meet him at a park, he was really sorry and that he was going to tell me everything.

 

I met him at the park. He got into the car and there was an awkward silence. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. After a moment he started to tell me everything. He didn't' know why it happened, it just did, he can't even find reasons for it to happen. He admitted that when I found out before, what he said was a lie. There had been an affair going on but he had cut it off the day I found out. He hadn't made any contact with her until a few weeks later she reached out to him and told him that she was pregnant. She told him that she didn't want to have the baby and that she was going to have an abortion so he kept contact with her to show support. Then things went back to having the affair again. He said he felt stupid for saying so but that he couldn't stop it. He felt horrible but he couldn't figure out how to stop it from happening. He admitted that they had intercourse 3 more times after I found out the first time but that he wasn't able to finish with her either because of how bad he felt for what he was doing behind my back.

 

He said that he was nothing to her, that she nor any other woman will ever be as great as the woman I am to him. No one could surpass, much less, replace me. He kept telling me that she kept insisting and insisting but at the end he gave in and it seemed easy. When he tried to stop it everything was already too far along and he didn't know how to. Things between them were already dying down and he already planned on ending everything. He hates himself for everything and all the pain that he has caused me and for how stupid and weak he was. He knew he didn't deserve and that I deserved better but he couldn't live without me, I am his best friend and he doesn't want to lose me. He said that as soon as he left the house that night he called her and ended everything, telling her that he didn't want anything to do with her again.

 

After hours of him pleading my forgiveness we finally went home. I hated him, I have never hated someone so much before in my life. I didn't talk to him, much less look at him. He just sat there and looked at me like a helpless puppy. I just stood in the room looking around, deciding what I was going to start packing first. I got a box, he looked at me frightened and asked me in a quivering voice,"what are you doing?" I told him I was leaving.

 

He jolted up and cried like I have never seen before. He pleaded and got on his knees. He pleaded for a second chance and if after I some time if I didn't want to be with him that he would understand, but to at least let him try. After he cried his heart out I decided that I would give him another chance.

 

It has now been six months since the affair and we are both still working on our marriage. He is trying really hard. He always leaves his phone out, I have the passcode, he calls me when he arrives and leaves at work or any other place. He doesn't go anywhere or do anything without checking in with me first. He is very affectionate and helps out around the house, such as cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry or the dishes. He is starting to be sweeter as he used to be when we were dating. Everything seems almost perfect now. I have checked his phone without him knowing, not because I suspected anything or saw hints, but because I just wanted to make sure that he is in fact doing what he says he is. I also keep track of the messages and calls on his phone. He's doing really good.

 

When we are together everything is fine, we have so much fun and are so happy with each other but sometimes the whole thing pops up in my head at random and sometimes I start doubting him again for no reason. I sometimes even notice that this happens on the best days that we have.

 

We have only had sex once since the affair. He says that he doesn't feel ready to be with me intimately. He says that he still feels guilty and low for what he did and even if he tries, he can't take out that deception from his mind. I want to be with him intimately and I thought that I was going to be the one that want going to be ready for that but I guess he was also affected by it.

 

I don't know what to think sometimes. I want our marriage to work and I want us to stay together for ever and reach our goals and dreams that we had planned, but sometimes I get scared to completely trust in him again and I don't even think I could ever go back to fully trusting him as I used to.

 

Sometimes I feel that I am a bit mean to him and get mad for things I didn't use to get about, I feel that I still have anger inside of me and I don't like taking it out on him when all he has done since then is be nothing but loving and sweet to me. I want to be happy but I can't get the affair out of my mind.

 

I still find myself crying about it and feel the same pain as the day I found out. I would be completely happy and in an instant the pain would come back into my mind. It is so hard, but I want to make it work.

 

Have any of you forgiven your spouse after an affair? If you did how did you work it out? Do you have any suggestions or advice that would help in the process?

 

I know this was really long, but I appreciate all of you that took the time to read it. Any feed back is much appreciated. I don't really have anybody to talk to so it would help to get some feedback and also your thoughts on this whole situation.

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

My heart goes out to you and your pain comes through in your words.

 

Your emotions and common sense are in conflict and you're facing a long road of trying to heal from the betrayal.

 

I'm sorry but I must be blunt.

 

Your husband cheated on you within months of being married.

 

He lied to your face when you confronted him early on and yet he continued his affair.

 

Your husband got another woman pregnant and lied to her about being separated.

 

Your husband ran away when you finally got the horrible truth and it became all about him and his wailing about how worthless he was and he didn't deserve you and begged for you to forgive him.

 

Think with your head and not your emotions. Do you really want to invest in your marriage with someone who did this to you. You're young and have no children and if there's a time to walk away it is now.

 

Being newly married and having to deal with such a horrible betrayal so soon in your marriage is not worth being stuck in the angst and sadness you feel.

 

It's not easy to walk away from your past hopes and dreams but they were not reality based. The truth is right there, have the courage to be true to yourself and let go of what could have been and what it really was.

 

Life is beautiful, you deserve to move on and aim for better than what your cheating husband did to you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Run not walk out of this relationship.

[ShatteredLady]

I firmly believe that there are people who will always cheat. I don't mean sociopathic, bullies. I've known members of both sex's who just 'can't help themselves'. I believe it 'could' be possible, with a LOT of good therapy, to change but in a lifetime? I'm not sure.

 

I've written before about a close friend of mine. He first started dating his wife at university. He started with an A with her childhood best friend who attended the same school. destroyed the friendship. That's when she should of left!!

 

He loved her as much as he was able. It ripped him to shreds EVERYTIME he cheated on her. By the time he reached his 40's he had honestly lost count of how many affairs & one night stands he'd had! His wife was so damaged by his bahavior as was HE!! He loved his wife & kids. His FAMILY was so important to him....he always believed he would change. I remember a time he was crying to me in the pub...his eyes still wandered up & down a pretty blonde who happened to walk past!!

 

Only you can decide what to do. I'd leave. I know it will be heart breaking. Think of it like a band-aid, rip it off fast or live this again & again & again. PLEASE don't have children until he has gone at least 5-10 years without straying again if you do stay.

 

You should be in your honeymoon phase. A truly moral, remorseful person would of been devastated by the betrayal & confessed AS SOON AS IT HAPPENED the FIRST TIME!!! (Not continued to look you in the eye & lie until he GOT CAUGHT!!

 

"Until death us do part" is a bloody long time with someone who can break your heart like this. I'm so sorry.

[d0nnivain]

Your husband has no integrity. You were a good hearted person & took him back after he cheated the 1st time but then he did it again. Now there is a baby. He had financial responsibility for that kid. Money that should be coming into your household has to go out because he's a liar who couldn't keep it in his pants.

 

 

Exactly what are you trying to hold on to here? You are not the one who failed.

 

 

Get out before you get pregnant & this is worse.

[SoleMate]

Actually, no baby (yet) with OW - the OW had an abortion.

 

OP, look ahead to the ghost of your two possible futures. One where your dream of a solid and lasting marriage has become a gaslight nightmare in which you are trapped by lies and empty promises (not to mention inexplicable red bumps on your private parts and a husband paying CS to 1 or more OC). Another possible future where you choose honesty and authenticity and leave your hardcore, serial, broken cheater to hook up with another of his kind.

 

This is an easy one because it's a short marriage and you have no kids. You can easily get free and move on, and I strongly urge you to do so. Hugs.

[sandylee1]

What a horrible thing to happen. Your husband only cheated, but deceived the OW about the state of his marriage. This is a newly wed husband, who should be cherishing his new wife, not cheating on her.

 

A few things to keep in mind -

 

He cheated in the honeymoon phase. What hope do you have if

things get rocky? Zilch!

 

You are young enough to divorce and move on.

 

You don't have kids. Please keep it that way with him, although

with his lack of performance that's not likely to be an issue.

 

Just imaging if you said that you're missing intimacy and you'll find someone to fill that need. How would he feel?

 

He's not the man you thought he was and I can't imaging your anguish, thinking the man you vowed to be with betrayed at all, never mind so early in the marriage.

 

He put you at risk with wreckless unprotected sex. You could have caught anything from that.

 

How do you regain the trust?

 

What can you possibly do if your husband is so weak? Nothing. You can't control his weakness. What use do you have for a weak man?

I don't know any woman who finds a weak man attractive.

 

So in 15 years time, when he's going through a mid life crisis, all it will take is a smile from a pretty girl and he'll cave. He'll lap up the ego stroking but by then you'll feel trapped and he worried about seeing your kids part time.

 

Whenever a spouse cheats is painful, but if it's after many years you have lots of good memories - your early years will forever be tainted because he claims he was weak.

 

Simply put - he can't be trusted and is not husband material.........at least not for you.

[gettingstronger]

Oh my- that is an awful story- I am so sorry this has happened to you- honestly, I think I would cut my losses- as I think back on the early part of our marriage it was relatively stress free-before kids and the bigger job and bigger house, bigger bills, bigger stress- he does not seem the type to be able to weather what comes next in life with you-

 

 

Take care, I know you are in an incredible amount of pain right now- surround yourself with people that have your best interests at heart-

[sandylee1]

I just reread your post and you so much want this to work. Why not give yourself a timeline and if you still feel as you do now, then consider divorce again.

 

Many people recover from affairs. They'll pretty much all tell you that the trust never comes back 100%. They NEVER forget the affair even 30 years later.

 

You should never hide your sadness about the affair , let him continue seeing the hurt you're going through. Tell him that you are struggling and share your fears for the future...that you feel you'll never be able to trust him fully again. ......your fears that this could happen again and that you'll possibly have children next time.

 

Did he go to IC?

Did you both go to MC?

 

 

The problem is none of you can change what happened and even if he is as remorseful as they come, it might not be enough for you. That's not your fault. That's what he risked by cheating. He told her he loved her....so was that just lies?

 

I'd be asking if I did nothing wrong and we were in the early happy stage of marriage, no kids to add stress.....what will make him not to it again. Ask him this question - because you can't control him.

 

Finally - get a post nuptial agreement with an infidelity clause. Where you can get a higher amount of the marital assets should he cheat again. You can add that you get the house if you own it too, or a 70/30 split.

 

Protect yourself, but realise it takes between 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity. Some people just can't do it and find infidelity is a dealbreaker for them.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce him. It's obvious he's no where ready to be a committed loving and respectful husband. He's immature and has A LOT of growing up to do. He loves chasing OW, loves the excitement (what's this sh.t he couldn't help himself or stop, let alone his little passive aggressive rant, boo hoo to make you feel sorry for him!) HE DID THIS TO YOU! Please make sure you get tested for STD's.

 

Sorry you're hurting and that he turned your trusting world upside down.

[anika99]

I'm not going to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon as I believe a marriage can recover from an affair, however I do believe that your husband has to dig a lot deeper to discover why he did this.

 

I noticed that in his confession to you he didn't take much responsibility for his actions, he blamed almost all of it on the OW. Sorry but she did not start the affair and then have the affair all by herself. He says she threw herself at him for months before he caved? Well first of all it's unlikely that a woman is going to spend months throwing herself at a man who is showing no interest and secondly he lied to her and said he was separated and getting divorced which indicates he was the one who was actively saying whatever it took to keep her hooked.

 

You've allowed him to use the OW as a scapegoat which is understandable as it's also easier for you to blame her more than him. It hurts to think of your spouse pursuing and wooing another woman. It really hurts to know your husband told another woman he loves her and we know your husband did that because the first message you discovered she said something like 'let's stop the I love you thing' so they were talking romantically and declaring love for each other. I understand feeling united with your husband by making the OW your common enemy but it doesn't bode well for your marriage long term. I have no sympathy for the OW and I'm not saying you should either but don't allow your husband to use her actions as a reason for his actions. That is bullcrap as she did not make him do anything he didn't want to do.

 

It sounds like after the initial begging and pleading and blaming the OW the two of you are just soldiering on without addressing the real issues which seems to be your husbands poor boundaries and decision making. Now he's withholding intimacy from you because poor poor him is just so affected by his lousy choices? That's unacceptable and makes me wonder if his affair is even truly over. There are so many ways to communicate besides ones cellphone. He could have a burner phone, secret email accounts, hidden texting apps,etc. Even if the affair is over you are still the one paying the price because your husband is refusing you intimacy. How is that okay?

 

Your marriage needs a lot more work and your husband needs to dig a lot deeper and he especially needs to be honest with you about his actions and feelings during the affair. Just blaming it on a woman "throwing herself" at him isn't going to fly. Get into marriage counselling and tell him he better start opening up and telling the truth or divorce is the next step.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I believe that if cheating occurred this quickly in the marriage....there is nothing to save. He obviously does not respect you or the marriage, he is a liar and a cheat...and in this particular case...I do not see that he wants to change...and probably won't.

 

To spend time trying to save this marriage is futile imho.

 

Chalk it up to experience.....get a divorce...get some IC to help you get through this and move on.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Some people are users. They use everyone around them to get what they want. They lie, manipulate, and twist the situation to get what they want. They don't care who gets hurt in the process. They always take, but never give.

 

Your husband is a user. You can't change users. Walk away while you can.

 

PS - do not get pregnant with this guy!

[Dancewithme]

I am so sorry this has happened to you. The honeymoon phase should be a time of blissful discovery and joy, not intense sadness and pain.

 

If you have not already, please run to get tested for STD's. He may be withholding intimacy because he has an active infection going on. ( I've seen this situation happen.)

 

I agree with most of the others, your husband is too immature to be married, and therefore, not husband material. I feel you should cut your losses, and end the marriage.

[Leelou]

Your husband will continue this behavior for as long as you stay married to him. He is who he is, and you are who you are. Unfortunately, if you give him another chance (you already gave him one the first time you discovered their texting), you will become more invested, but he is just not capable of being a good husband.

 

The longer you draw this out, and fight to keep your marriage, the more you will be destroyed.

 

Some spouses are just not wired up for being faithful. You were conned into thinking he would never hurt you. Unfortunately, he is one of those serial cheaters. It's very clear what he is. You can't see it, because you love him.

 

This pattern will go on for years, and you will lose yourself. You will eventually become destroyed. Do yourself a favor and quit the marriage, and lose the loser. That's the best advice I can give you.

[ShatteredLady]

After all of these relies are you still determined to work on your marriage?

 

Quote - "Have any of you forgiven your spouse after an affair? If you did how did you work it out? Do you have any suggestions or advice that would help in the process?"

 

Yes! I forgave my H for an affair with a coworker. It was a 'substantial' (horrible choice of words!) that had lots of denials, false recoveries, cruelty & pain. You're not going to fully trust for a long time. In my experience it's only once you've got a few HUGE life altering experiences under your belt that it really fades. There will be triggers that bring you crashing back.

 

You need truth & openness. If he's not analyzing his actions & behavior it's not going to happen. Crying & swooning isn't self knowledge or empathy...it's feeling really guilty & embarrassed that he's been such a tool. He wants it forgotten. They all do...that's human nature. BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM!!! He needs to heal you & from what you say he's nowhere close.

 

He's explained his actions so now you know that if a woman shows interest in him he will lie about his marital status to lead them on. You know he can't resist a woman who chases him so as long as no other woman ever shows interest in him your marriage 'might' be safe. It's like saying "I cheated because I was drunk!" unless they never ever drink again it's going to happen again.

 

Part of you will always wonder! You know that he is capable of looking you in the eye & blatantly deceiving you. For me, my H felt like my FAMILY. The thing is with family you love unconditionally & turn a blind eye to many faults. Love is blind! When my H devastated me he became a man. Just a man. He's a man with a lot of faults...how can I ignore them if it's not unconditional love? maybe that's why you're getting angry with him? The bubbles burst!

 

Anyway....we moved on past his affair. Lots of life happened. I felt safe again. I forgave. We had 2 beautiful children. At a moment of weakness she contacted him again (through linked in! Can't block that) & it took a couple of messages back & forth for him to ask her to set-up a secret account so I wouldn't know. I'd just had surgery & nearly died! Do you want this to be your future? When I needed him the most it stressed him & Oops!!

[Sandy92]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. It helps because I don't really have anyone to talk to. He is my best friend and he is usually the person I talk to about my problems and everything but this is different. I don't want my parents to know just yet, not until I decide that I really want to leave him for good.

 

Before this all happened I always said to myself that I would never stay with a cheater, I am a very forgiving person but cheating was something I wouldn't want to deal with. Now that I am in this situation it is hard to just walk up and leave.

 

I am young really young. We started dating when I was 17 and I got married at 21 years old and him at 23. We are both young. My parents never liked the idea of me getting married so young. They kept telling me that I was too young, that he is my first serious relationship and that I still had to live life and meet more people. I said I was ready and that he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I still got married.

 

In all honesty, I am scared of staying just as much as walking away. I have deep feelings for him and it hurts knowing what he did, but it also hurts to think being without him. He is my first and only serious relationship and also the only man that I have been intimately with as I am the first for him as well. My whole life and hopes revolved around us being happily together and married and his infidelity made all the fairy tails i thought possible just seem like false hopes.

 

I want to be with him, I want us to be happy. But I am scared. Scared of staying and being hurt and lied to again. But I am also just as scared of leaving a marriage that could be repairable. I like to think that he is going to change and that he is going to be the husband I thought he was, I hate to think that I am just giving myself false hopes.

 

Many of you got me thinking in something that didn't cross my mind until now. Many of you mentioned about how he would act in a midlife crisis or when things really get stressful. I didn't think of addressing that but now that many of you pointed it out, I know that it is something that needs to be addressed.

 

Many of you also suggested that I get tested, that was the first thing I set my mind to. A week after I found out I called my doctor, got tested and got on birth control. The test was negative, phew!

 

I just feel so scared and trapped between my own emotions. I normally think that I would prefer having done something and regretting it, than regretting not having tried or done anything. Not sure if its how I should approach this.

[Steen719]

 

 

Many of you got me thinking in something that didn't cross my mind until now. Many of you mentioned about how he would act in a midlife crisis or when things really get stressful. I didn't think of addressing that but now that many of you pointed it out, I know that it is something that needs to be addressed.

 

 

First, I am so sorry you are facing this and at such a young age. I'm glad you can find support here on LS.

 

The first time my ex-H cheated on me, we were doing very well. In fact, we had just bought a house and moved in the month he started the affair. I stayed with him; I had a 7 year old son and so I made the decision to stay. I should have thought about what you just mentioned. If he was able to cheat on me during the good times, what would he do in the stressful times? I found out. He cheated again. I shouldn't have swept it under the rug the first time. I believe that my XH is the kind of man who at the very least, has boundary problems.

 

Now, I am not saying your H will do this, but it has to be a scenario you examine at any rate.

 

I don't know what I would do in your shoes, but you should discuss this with a reputable counselor and maybe your feelings about it will become more clear to you. Whatever you do, do not allow this to be swept under the rug. It seems like the easy thing to do at the time, comes with less pain, but is more destructive than you can imagine.

 

Best of luck to you.

[HereNorThere]

Since you already busted him once and he went back for a second time, I would consider this his second affair which makes him a serial cheater.

 

Multiple affairs, lies, manipulation, abortion, talking bad about you behind you back, exposing you STDs, humiliating you, etc. etc. etc.

 

Trust me, no one with your best interests at heart are going to tell you to stay with someone like this. However, if you're going to stay, the best thing you can do is learn to accept this behavior. It's just a part of who he is and what he is capable of. If you can learn to live with that, cool, but if not, you should go ahead and leave before the next time.

 

There will be a next time. In fact, there already has been. You ready to go for round number 3? You ready to be a stepmom before you are real mom?

 

Sadly, your life will never be the same. You do have a chance to save yourself, but it sounds like it is slipping through your hands. Don't be afraid of the unknown. At least in the unknown you have a chance at happiness. Staying with this monster leaves you with none. Just a life of heartache and disappointment.

Edited October 14, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Furious]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. It helps because I don't really have anyone to talk to. He is my best friend and he is usually the person I talk to about my problems and everything but this is different. I don't want my parents to know just yet, not until I decide that I really want to leave him for good.

 

Before this all happened I always said to myself that I would never stay with a cheater, I am a very forgiving person but cheating was something I wouldn't want to deal with. Now that I am in this situation it is hard to just walk up and leave.

 

I am young really young. We started dating when I was 17 and I got married at 21 years old and him at 23. We are both young. My parents never liked the idea of me getting married so young. They kept telling me that I was too young, that he is my first serious relationship and that I still had to live life and meet more people. I said I was ready and that he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I still got married.

 

In all honesty, I am scared of staying just as much as walking away. I have deep feelings for him and it hurts knowing what he did, but it also hurts to think being without him. He is my first and only serious relationship and also the only man that I have been intimately with as I am the first for him as well. My whole life and hopes revolved around us being happily together and married and his infidelity made all the fairy tails i thought possible just seem like false hopes.

 

I want to be with him, I want us to be happy. But I am scared. Scared of staying and being hurt and lied to again. But I am also just as scared of leaving a marriage that could be repairable. I like to think that he is going to change and that he is going to be the husband I thought he was, I hate to think that I am just giving myself false hopes.

 

Many of you got me thinking in something that didn't cross my mind until now. Many of you mentioned about how he would act in a midlife crisis or when things really get stressful. I didn't think of addressing that but now that many of you pointed it out, I know that it is something that needs to be addressed.

 

Many of you also suggested that I get tested, that was the first thing I set my mind to. A week after I found out I called my doctor, got tested and got on birth control. The test was negative, phew!

 

I just feel so scared and trapped between my own emotions. I normally think that I would prefer having done something and regretting it, than regretting not having tried or done anything. Not sure if its how I should approach this.

 

 

Your parents were right. It's ok to have believed he was the "one", but his actions have proved he's not the "one".

 

You're afraid to admit the truth to your parents and would rather suffer in silence than to have the courage to admit what he's done.

 

There's no shame in having been betrayed, but it is a shame to hide the truth from your parents who only want the best for you.

[Lion Heart]

1. He is my best friend ...

 

2. Before this all happened I always said to myself that I would never stay with a cheater....

 

3. I am young really young. We started dating when I was 17 and I got married at 21 years old and him at 23. We are both young. My parents never liked the idea of me getting married so young. They kept telling me that I was too young, that he is my first serious relationship and that I still had to live life and meet more people. I said I was ready and that he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I still got married.

 

4. He is my first and only serious relationship and also the only man that I have been intimately with as I am the first for him as well.

 

5. My whole life and hopes revolved around us being happily together and married and his infidelity made all the fairy tails i thought possible just seem like false hopes.

 

6. I am scared. Scared of staying and being hurt and lied to again.

 

7. I am just giving myself false hopes.

 

8. I just feel so scared and trapped between my own emotions. I normally think that I would prefer having done something and regretting it, than regretting not having tried or done anything.

 

9. Not sure if its how I should approach this.

 

Hi I'm Lion Heart

 

I'm focusing on YOU AND ONLY YOU here. I don't have much time to answer you completely right now but I'll be back! Like us all. You will find incredible love, support and wisdom here on LS.

 

I'll address by point form

 

1. No! This WH IS NOT YOUR best friend. You THOUGHT he was. PAST TENSE. NO. Best friends, friends and even mere acquaintances DON'T abuse the Marriage state.

 

2. YOUR VALUES show here. Good. Strong. Virtuous.

Leave. Don't change them. Don't settle for less than YOU are. Don't accede to having THAT as a "partner in life". He's not even a friend to his own M.

 

3. This is why you won't tell your parents.

TELL YOUR PARENTS. They knew. Yes they did. Tell them at the beginning that you never want to hear them say "I told you so". It's cruel and the opposite of what YOU need right now. You need people that have GOT YOUR BACK. HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. You were blinded. You need people with their eyes wide open supporting you.

 

4. Not necessarily true for WH AT ALL. Rethink this. No.

He's had a VERY intimate relationship WHILE YOU WERE MARRIED TO HIM. Got a woman he WORKS with pregnant? Holeeeeee!

 

5. Absolutely NO!

You'd have to change this thought in an INSTANT if he was killed in a car accident today. No Fairy Land. He drove his life and yours over a cliff. YOU can jump off right now! Get IC immediately.

 

6. You will always be hurt by WH.ALWAYS.

A life time of THIS? ?? REALLY? ?? Your CHILDRENS lives?

Oh no. No. Run. Now.

 

7. Absolutely you are. IC.

 

8. Be brave. STAND UP. Say no to this behaviour. Be more afraid to face your children when they say, "So YOU KNEW he was like this????" If they can even decipher right from wrong. Healthy from unhealthy relationships by the time they've lived with this.

If you're not willing to leave now? You'll never leave after children.

 

9. Approach this with IC. Tell your parents and friends. Get help far wider than LS. You absolutely DO KNOW how to approach this. Leave now. Get help for yourself. Save the rest of your life. Immediately.

 

Much love and strength.

Lion Heart.

[Furious]

Lion Heart

 

Amazing post!!!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sandy92, I always want to see a marriage succeed. Not knowing you or your husband it's hard for anyone to say what will happen in the future.

 

However, I've seen this happen more than a few times where a spouse cheats early in a marriage and from all of the times I've seen, it becomes a pattern and often results in divorce at a much later date, or one spouse just learns to live with infidelity.

 

I believe that if your marriage has any chance of permanent recovery wherein your husband will be faithful in the future, he must face some possibly severe consequences now.

 

In your place in order to save your marriage I would separate from him while both of you attend marriage counseling with the goal of saving your marriage.

 

Imo, he needs to understand you won't tolerate cheating. I believe if you forgive him now with no consequences he's very likely to establish a pattern of cheating.

 

I also believe it would be good for you to have NC with him outside of marriage counseling for time. However, your marriage counselor could advise you on how to proceed as far as taking time away from him, don't trust my advice on that. It's just something I'd do in your place.

 

It seems to me both of you could benefit from some time apart, for you to think about it and for him to realize what it has done to you.

 

I would not advise separation without counseling sessions together if you want to save your marriage.

 

You definitely need to see a professional MC. As a young couple you may not think you can afford it but it seems to me it's paramount that you receive marriage counseling at this point.

[sandylee1]

Staying out of fear is not the thing to do. There's nothing to fear really. Being on your own for a while is fine. You're still young and you could leave him without looking back as you've no kids together.

 

Ask yourself this......if you hadn't gotten suspicious and busted him for the second time...do you really think he'd have stopped the affair? You caught him once and he lied.

 

And even if he was cheating again...he wouldn't be so stupid as to use his normal phone knowing you can check it anytime. How long before he feels able to be intimate with the wife he betrayed and never mind him saying he couldn't finish with her as well ....he certainly finished when he got her pregnant.

 

She asked you to wake him up and sort it out that night...she doesn't sound like the typical OW who knows she's in an affair. I really don't blame her at all.....it's your husband. Claiming she threw herself at him is a copout. He never once told her he was a newly wed happily married man, which would have shut down any advances from her - but that's really irrelevant.

 

Bottom line is - he had an affair within 18 months of marriage.

 

Just think if she'd kept the baby. His mindless and wreckless cheating would have meant -

 

child support for a minimum of 18 years.

College as well in some states.

Joint custody

Court battles with the OW for increased maintenance

Your household income being impacted because of him

Him always having the mother of his child around, making it easy to

start the affair again

 

^^^^^^This is the nightmare of a child born under such circumstances. Not even married for 2 years and you're facing this.

My heart goes out to you, it really does.

 

A good husband protects his wife and he has failed miserably in that area. Don't feel bad for getting angry with him...he deserves it and a whole lot more in my opinion.

 

To reiterate..when you've just given birth, when you have a baby that's exhausted you and you feel too tired for sex....What's he gonna do then?

 

He can't give any reason for cheating....so where do you stand, knowing your husband will sleep with another woman, just because he can and he can't explain why.

 

I'm not sure it's worth risking your heart and distabilising the security of any kids you may have.

 

Maybe some time away from him will help you. If you can afford a week in a hotel, take a couple of days of work. Relax, read around on infidelity support forums and you'll see the advice for those in your situation is to leave. Many didn't and then 10 years and 2/3 kids in when they are a stay at home mom, they feel stuck and don't want to break up the family etc.

 

I do understand you not telling your parents just yet. I know my family would never forgive my H if he betrayed me like that. My siblings would think I was a gluten for punishment.

 

It's not defeat to realise he's not the man you thought he was and need him to be. It's just facing up to reality. I know you don't want your parents to say they were right, but they have your back....I can't say the same about your husband.

[flowergirl14]

Unfortunately, your story isnt unique. Its the same as countless other. My story is like yours even the part about we just had coffee. I have a serial cheating husband who probably has been at this for the length of our 20 yr marriage. I know you want so badly to believe him. To make the pain stop. To continue being married. I wanted this too but they can and will cheat again. All the checking up on him in the world isnt a detterent. Its to make you feel better. They act like the best spouse in the world. Its a manipulation. They sparkle and that gives you hope. Wow my cheater is so sorry maybe he really can change. Nope ! Like others have told you there have been other affairs or will be. Where there is one mouse their are many mice.