Why is he doing this to me?

[kpl]

the reason why we've been taking 2 months to have an actual date was because I freaked out the first time he asked me out for dinner, since it felt a little awkward as he was my former professor.

 

And the plot thickens.....

 

While I agree with other posters I think if he really wanted a relationship and for things to progress into something serious he would say so. You would feel like things are progressing. To me it sounds like this is something casual. And a serious guy wouldn't put up with this lopsided stuff, and he's leading all the time stuff.

 

When you are inexperienced relying on experts can make you feel like you possess more control over the situation but you have to step back and think about the logic here. Your philosophy will create an unbalanced relationship with someone. They will be used to giving all and you giving little and they can become resentful. On the other end if a guy continues to pull back it can create an insecure bond and you can grow resentful. Really think about what you want your future relationships to look and feel like. We all talking about a balance that feels like both partners are mutually contributing.

Edited October 15, 2015 by kpl
for clarity

[MissBee]

Lately we have been meeting once/twice a week, depending on our schedules ( either he drives all the way to my place or we meet in between) And the reason why we've been taking 2 months to have an actual date was because I freaked out the first time he asked me out for dinner, since it felt a little awkward as he was my former professor. So I said no he then stopped asking. But then eventually we met...There are days when he texts me every day then does not text for 2 days. He usually comes back though...

3 months is not enough time to commit to someone in a permanent way, I don't want a ring right now, why does everyone assume that I'm trying to tie the knot right now? I am just not satisfied with his communication style/would prefer taking/texting daily, but guess I will just let go and keep myself busy with other things...

 

Huh?!

 

No one said anything about tying the knot. That's precisely what I said it's not. I said I don't see why it's "getting ahead of yourselves" to ask for what you want as its not like you're asking about the name of your first kid or marriage or anything.

 

In nay case it's clear you guys aren't on the same page and having a man take the lead doesn't mean you should be on two different pages or even in two different books. He can only lead if if he's leading to where you want to go and you're on the same page (and how would you know without asking?) , otherwise you're just allowing yourself to be blindly pulled in whatever direction.

Edited October 15, 2015 by MissBee

[SoulCat]

You describe men like clueless little halfwits. The man does know where you stand and he knows women's default mode is always being ready for a relationship.

 

 

 

Uhm no. Just no.

That is the biggest load of nonsense I've heard all day.

[Bitter Feminist]

Those theories would work if all men were alpha-males but it's not the case. There is a very small amount of true alpha-males. Lots of men out there are gamma, omega or beta and those dating theories won't work on them and probably have the opposite result.

 

I find it too simplistic to think one method fits all.

Absolutely right, agree that leaning back may not work on beta males...

[Bitter Feminist]

Uhm no. Just no.

That is the biggest load of nonsense I've heard all day.

Woman's need for monogamy and stability has a biological/anthropological reason. Women have been always wired to want a realtionship so that the man will stau long enough to provide and raise the offspring. Even modern women these days who claim that they are ok with casual sex it is only temporarily. Eventually they will want something serious.

[SwordofFlame]

Absolutely right, agree that leaning back may not work on beta males...

 

So I guess the questions is your guy a true alpha male? Sure doesn't seem like he is....

[SoulCat]

OP, with all these preconceived ideas you've got on men, women and relationships I fear you run the risk of always p*ssing on your own bonfire.

[autumnnight]

You describe men like clueless little halfwits. The man does know where you stand and he knows women's default mode is always being ready for a relationship. If he does not take the relationship to the next level/does not call you/does not have sex with you-it's because he does not want to. No amount of pressure, talk, ultimatum won't engineer the desired outcome. So many women just cannot understand this. Being masculine only pushes him away, whereas if you lean back and just give him space will draw him in wondering why hasn't she chased me all this time. I am not saying ignoring him on purpose or playing hard to get, I am saying when I see him pulling away I do not try to lean in. I let it go. Painful? Hell yes, but at least I am not ruining a possibly blossoming relationship with impatience and neediness.

 

You are a 24 year old who has just had her first "experience" and has obviously dated very little.

 

I am close to 50.

 

To put it simply, you are incorrect about men "knowing" all these things, and I am certain if any men read this thread they will agree.

[autumnnight]

Woman's need for monogamy and stability has a biological/anthropological reason. Women have been always wired to want a realtionship so that the man will stau long enough to provide and raise the offspring. Even modern women these days who claim that they are ok with casual sex it is only temporarily. Eventually they will want something serious.

 

This reminds me of the brand new teacher who tells all the seasoned veterans they have been "doing it wrong" for 20 years.

[PinkElephants]

I really appreciate all of your input, however, I am so against the "communicating your needs" to your man. Maybe it's just my personal experience, but after THE TALK the particular man gets even more emotionally distant and pulls away even more...My problem is my clingy/needy personality that I cannot control.

How will he ever know what your needs are? Can he read minds? One of things my boyfriend appreciates the most about me is my blunt style of speech. He's never in the dark about what I want or need and is never having to play games trying to figure out why I'm upset. I watch my friend and her husband doing this weird eye game where she glares and he cowers, then she glares and he asks whats wrong, she says "nothing" and glares until he gets fed up and walks out on her. Then she gets pissed that he doesn't know what's wrong. Sound like fun? Or would you rather be a grown up and use your words?

 

The "talk" only scares away men who AREN'T interested. A man who wants to be with you won't be afraid of commitment or your needs. Perhaps the problem is that you keep choosing men who aren't really into you and you know you can't talk to them about commitment because they don't want it as much as you.

 

Also, the only thing in this world that you can control is yourself. Saying you can't control how clingy you are is an excuse.

 

He knows I am interested, I always compliment him, tell him how much I loved spending time with him, he even said that I should not put him on a pedestal...and yes, my username is just for fun.

This is a problem. He knows you worship him which means he knows you're not going anywhere and he doesn't have to put in more effort.

 

Plus I don't think in this modern day and age there are so many men willing to wait that long before having sex. Some men wouldn't even consider committing to someone they're not sexually compatible with.

You describe men like clueless little halfwits. The man does know where you stand and he knows women's default mode is always being ready for a relationship

Wrong and wrong. I'm a woman and my default mode is not to be ready for a relationship. When I met my boyfriend I wasn't looking for a relationship. In fact, I tried to have a one night stand with him when we were friends, he turned me down, courted me for months, put a proper label on us and then had sex with me when he knew I was emotionally invested in him.

 

Now, over 2 years later, he still calls and texts every day even though we live together. He still sends sweet emails and gives me flowers just because.

 

Men pursue what they want. Your guy isn't pursuing. You say the talk won't make him want you more but nothing you're doing now is making him want you very much either.

 

I prefer him to initiate the most texts/calls.

Does he know this?

 

I am just not satisfied with his communication style/would prefer taking/texting daily,

If he does not take the relationship to the next level/does not call you/does not have sex with you-it's because he does not want to.

EXACTLY. Why don't you understand this? He doesn't want to call you more so are you going to continue to be dissatisfied or are you going to do something about it?

 

Look, I get that you've been left a lot and are therefore searching for an answer to make a man stick around but the thought process with this one is amazingly flawed. State your needs, if he leaves then so be it because he was going to leave eventually anyway but stop dissolving into tears about a problem that he has no idea about! It's ridiculous. People can't change what they don't acknowledge and you're not even giving him the chance to know what's wrong.

 

To all the other posters on the board: I propose a drinking game. Every time she says "lean back", we drink!