Why is he doing this to me?

October 14, 2015

I am a 24 year-old female dating a 35 year-old man. We have been involved for 5 months now. We are not established yet because the the first 2-3 months we were only talking-texting on the phone. We recently had sex and I don't see his behavior changing at all. However, this has been an ongoing stress source for me: his communication style. Before we had sex my emotional state was more stable and I could still tolerate him not texting me every day, but now when he does that I become really anxious. He may go 2-3 days without texting-calling. Then he bounces back as if nothing happens. He's been acting this way BEFORE-AFTER we had sex. I do not want to talk about this because I feel like as a woman I should lean back and let him lead, and pushing him for more communication will eventually turn him off or make him think that I am getting ahead of ourselves. I just want him to be more consistent though as those days with NO contact drives me crazy and put all sorts of thoughts in my mind: mainly I am afraid he will leave me or never text me back again. I have had guys in the past disappearing on me for no obvious reason and because I am so in love with this one, I lost my virginity to him, I do not want to lose him...please, help! I feel hopeless and low.

as a woman I should lean back and let him lead -- This means "lean back, let him lead AND observe whether or not he is meeting your dating needs. You have two choices -- if everything else is working for you and you like him enough, you have a conversation to voice your need for better communication between you two or accept that he's not very communicative between seeing each other. At 5 months it's ok to express your needs in a non-confrontational way. And, by now, it's ok for you to reach out too. You need to reciprocate some after a couple of months so that he doesn't feel like he's doing all the work.

Are you two on the same page in terms of dating goals in general? I mean, have you had a conversation about what you each are looking for our of your dating journeys? It seems to me he may consider this relationship just casual. If you are looking for a long term, committed relationship, it may be time to clarify all that if you haven't already.

Edited October 14, 2015 by Redhead14

October 14, 2015

I find it interested how many woman subscribe to all of this game playing with the rules but really miss the gist of what these rules are telling you..put yourself first, value yourself, know your worth, and not be afraid of speaking up for yourself. It's really that simple.

October 14, 2015

He's complained about that in the past and said that he'd like to meet me more often, but because my driving limitations it makes it difficult to meet..

Like I said, an hour 15 drive one way during the week, with weekday traffic after work and life's duties which need attending to, is asking a bit too much.

Your expectations are not in alignment with the reality and the logistics of what you've gotten yourself into. For myself, this would turn me off, no matter how nice a person you are or how readily the sex is. Spending all my time in traffic for someone who isn't pressed to really compromise (but instead looks at this like some challenge he must conquer to quell insecurity) isn't a cute look.

October 14, 2015

I find it interested how many woman subscribe to all of this game playing with the rules but really miss the gist of what these rules are telling you..put yourself first, value yourself, know your worth, and not be afraid of speaking up for yourself. It's really that simple.

Well, no, not when you're playing silly games.. it wouldn't apply.

From what she has written in this thread alone, OP is starting at an emotional deficit--she hasn't addressed and resolved past issues from past relationship failures before setting her sites on her teacher, hence her dragging them out with him for him to sort through like it's his responsibility (and it's not) when it was she who needed to have had this all sorted before she picked up with him.

Issues just wait on you until they have a chance to pop to the surface again when you don't get into therapy and resolve them.

October 14, 2015

I am a 24 year-old female dating a 35 year-old man. We have been involved for 5 months now. We are not established yet because the the first 2-3 months we were only talking-texting on the phone. We recently had sex and I don't see his behavior changing at all. However, this has been an ongoing stress source for me: his communication style. Before we had sex my emotional state was more stable and I could still tolerate him not texting me every day, but now when he does that I become really anxious. He may go 2-3 days without texting-calling. Then he bounces back as if nothing happens. He's been acting this way BEFORE-AFTER we had sex. I do not want to talk about this because I feel like as a woman I should lean back and let him lead, and pushing him for more communication will eventually turn him off or make him think that I am getting ahead of ourselves. I just want him to be more consistent though as those days with NO contact drives me crazy and put all sorts of thoughts in my mind: mainly I am afraid he will leave me or never text me back again. I have had guys in the past disappearing on me for no obvious reason and because I am so in love with this one, I lost my virginity to him, I do not want to lose him...please, help! I feel hopeless and low.

The biggest mistake I see women making is thinking that not saying anything about anything, having no boundaries, no frank conversation, not being clear about what they want from a man/situation is the best way to go. It's not. It ALWAYS leaves you confused, anxious and simply floating in the breeze. This isn't letting the man lead, this is letting someone do whatever they want as you sit their obediently at their mercy. This isn't how mutually fulfilling relationships go.

It's too late now, but you probably should have waited for exclusivity and commitment to be established before having sex. Pardon me if you already explained more, I'm only responding to your initial post, but it seems all you guys did was just text. Did you talk on the phone? Go out on dates? To me, it sounds more like a casual FWB type of situation and not the making of a bf-gf committed relationship, especially if this guy only contacts you every few days. Sorry, it doesn't seem like he's looking for something serious.

That's why it is important to be clear and frank and find out where you and a guy stand before having sex (worse losing your virginity) and investing emotionally (falling in love). Think about it this way, would you buy a house you only got texted pictures of? You never saw it, never walked through, never asked questions, didn't get it inspected, etc? No. Same here. A man isn't a house, but you should be asking questions and be clear about what you want. That's the ONLY way to ensure you're on the same page and you're not wasting your time. It is a mistake to think you can "scare" a man away by asking what's going on...trust me...a man who is "scared off" by this is a man who doesn't want the same things as you so he runs for the hills once you decide to ask for more than he wants. Also, you have been "talking" for 5 months and have had sex....how is asking what's going on "getting ahead of yourselves?" You're not asking him what the name of your first kid will be...you're asking what the hell is going on. In my dating experience too, when you have to ask...usually it means nothing is going on. It's casual and undefined because the guy wants it that way. In all my actual relationships the man brought up wanting exclusivity and wanting a gf and didn't run away from it...they were all clear that they wanted to be with me in a relationship, we went on dates, I met their friends and/or family, got introduced as their gf etc. With men who didn't want that....I knew...because I was "confused" and anxious and we didn't talk all the time and I had no clue where things were going and they had no interest in those conversations.

For the future, don't be scared to ask for what you want and be prepared to walk if a man isn't on the same page. PLEASE don't fall into the tired trap of thinking that if you sit and smile meekly and never utter a word of dissatisfaction or have any desires or questions a reluctant man will magically reward you with girlfriendship...it likely won't happen, you will more than anything attract men who want sex or who like you but not enough to date you seriously and they will GLADLY sleep with you and text you every so often but will never be what you want or make you a priority.

October 14, 2015

Your first red flag is a 35 year old MAN who has never had a long-term relationship.

Secondly, because he's inexperienced (or selfish, or socially stunted - who knows why he has no experience being in a relationship?) he probably has no idea what women expect from him.

Third, you live 70 miles from each other, so that equates to basically an hour and a half each way. It's not like you can meet him after work on a Tuesday night for a cup of coffee or stop by his place with a pizza on a Wednesday night. Everything has to be planned.

He doesn't feel the risk is worth the reward. In other words, all the work involved in growing a relationship with you isn't worth all the work and effort for him. He's the one that has to maintain contact between you both, he's the one that has to drive to you because of your freeway phobia, he's the one that has to do all the work for someone who lives 70 miles away.

Quite honestly, there's just not a lot of 'reward' in dating someone who lives an hour and a half away.

It looks as though that's why he's only investing a minimum of effort into this. He doesn't see you as long-term girlfriend material.

Maybe there's some truth to it, however, I'm a firm believer that the more your man invests (drives to see me, initiates the contacts, pursues/does the chasing) the more he actually values you. The modern woman just makes it way too easy for a man, she pays for the dinner, she's fine with just meeting at a certain location instead of being picked up...no wonder the courtship is going extinct. We just "hang out" now, no romance...

October 14, 2015

Maybe there's some truth to it, however, I'm a firm believer that the more your man invests (drives to see me, initiates the contacts, pursues/does the chasing) the more he actually values you. The modern woman just makes it way too easy for a man, she pays for the dinner, she's fine with just meeting at a certain location instead of being picked up...no wonder the courtship is going extinct. We just "hang out" now, no romance...

But he didn't do any of that.

If you have dating rules then you have to follow them and give yourself a time limit. There is no point giving a man 5 months to prove himself to you. I would have given this man 15 days to drive and see me, not 3 months of texting.

He showed you for 5 consecutive months he did not value you!! What's the point of having your dating rules if you let men drag you for 5 months?

October 14, 2015

Maybe there's some truth to it, however, I'm a firm believer that the more your man invests (drives to see me, initiates the contacts, pursues/does the chasing) the more he actually values you. The modern woman just makes it way too easy for a man, she pays for the dinner, she's fine with just meeting at a certain location instead of being picked up...no wonder the courtship is going extinct. We just "hang out" now, no romance...

Why don't you find a man that has more traditional values then? Speaking of traditional values, are you going to be a stay at home wife that cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids and give him sex whenever he wants? If so, that's fine you're a traditional woman. If not, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

October 14, 2015

But he didn't do any of that.

Unless I have missed something he did do all of that as well as pay for all of the dates..

OP sorry to talk third person..but..

He came to her, initiated all contact and id all of the asking out.

As I said before I think she needs to step up and do more, pay for some dates if she is interested.

All it appears he does is leave a few days between communication on occasion (it's not all of the time going by what the OP has posted).

It's possible he hopes she will contact him in those in between days - she doesn't but he keeps coming back.

October 14, 2015

I do not want to talk about this because I feel like as a woman I should lean back and let him lead, and pushing him for more communication will eventually turn him off...

If you're a feminist then why are you shackling yourself with archaic notions about dating rules? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you texting him first and changing the pattern to a few daily texts if that's what makes you comfortable. My gf is a real feminist and she doesn't think twice about texting me first, paying for drinks or a meal, meeting somewhere if that's the most practical... I could go on.

I think you should initiate a change in the pattern and if he doesn't respond then tell him what you want/need. If he still doesn't then reassess. Quit worrying about appearing to be desperate... actually don't be desperate, communicate and do what works for you. If he's not a match, try again.

October 14, 2015

Unless I have missed something he did do all of that as well as pay for all of the dates..

OP sorry to talk third person..but..
He came to her, initiated all contact and id all of the asking out.
As I said before I think she needs to step up and do more, pay for some dates if she is interested.

All it appears he does is leave a few days between communication on occasion (it's not all of the time going by what the OP has posted).
It's possible he hopes she will contact him in those in between days - she doesn't but he keeps coming back.

I think if he wanted to talk to her and he was actually ready to date her seriously he would have said i love hearing from you we should talk/see each other more. This guy is not interested in something serious.

October 14, 2015

I have been lurking and made an account to respond to this thread.

Ma'am I think you have unrealistic expectations of your boyfriend.

He might be a bit selfish, heck most people are but some of the things you wrote- such as assuming he'll lead and he'll pay, and the stuff about him using your utilities? That's just not reasonable by any standards.

Expect less. Do more. You'll be happier.

i promise.

October 14, 2015

Unless I have missed something he did do all of that as well as pay for all of the dates..

OP sorry to talk third person..but..
He came to her, initiated all contact and id all of the asking out.
As I said before I think she needs to step up and do more, pay for some dates if she is interested.

All it appears he does is leave a few days between communication on occasion (it's not all of the time going by what the OP has posted).
It's possible he hopes she will contact him in those in between days - she doesn't but he keeps coming back.

Gemma:

I see a man that took 3 MONTHS to drive a relatively short distance 70 miles to meet her.

He text her every 3 days, meh. Does that sound like someone interested in connecting with her after 5 months of being in touch?

Of course he remembers her after 3 DAYS, if he wants his next lay he has to AT LEAST keep in touch with her once a week.

October 14, 2015

Bitter Feminist: How often do you see each other?

October 14, 2015

Maybe there's some truth to it, however, I'm a firm believer that the more your man invests (drives to see me, initiates the contacts, pursues/does the chasing) the more he actually values you. The modern woman just makes it way too easy for a man, she pays for the dinner, she's fine with just meeting at a certain location instead of being picked up...no wonder the courtship is going extinct. We just "hang out" now, no romance...

I'm a little confused Bitter.

Maybe you omitted those details or I missed it but how has this guy shown he values you? From what I understand for 5 months you've all just been texting...I asked in another post, have you gone on dates and so on? BTW driving to come see you is not necessarily a sign of value, men will drive for sex, I've had plenty of FWB type situations or cases where a man would drive from far and still wasn't interested in a relationship.

Look, if this dude valued you, you wouldn't be here. You'd know and you wouldn't be confused about where things stand. The above that you mention, I mean, this guy isn't really doing that from what you're saying. I'll give you an example, my last bf, we "talked" for about two weeks in which he was clear about wanting to court me and he wanted a gf and wanted to see if I was potentially that person. We talked at least every other day before our first official date. After our first date I went out of town and we spoke daily. Then we went on our second date, initiated by him and already planned at the end of our first date. At no point was I confused about if he was interested. After a few more dates we talked about exclusivity. The point was: things grew steadily. Our communication and how much we saw each other and discussions of our future only increased...there was no ambiguous space of confusion.

It doesn't seem like this man is your boyfriend even. Have you guys explicitly said you're a couple? Look...while some of your rules are a little strange to me, I don't think you're even following your own rules and ideas. In the example I gave, my boyfriend at the time made his interest clear and took the lead and I also was clear with him in MUTUAL discussions about what I was looking for. In your case, how exactly is he pursuing you or making his interest (in a relationship, not sex) known? He isn't. But you're willing to continue with this and not say a word....it doesn't really make sense. If you truly believe you shouldn't have to say anything then at least be with a man who from day one is frank with you about his intentions and shows it everyday, not someone who dillies and dallies for months, only talks to you every 3 days or so and where you don't really know what's up with you two.

Edited October 14, 2015 by MissBee

October 15, 2015

Well I don't think a woman should initiate THE talk anyway. It is a masculine thing to do. If I demand more clarity, more communication more this and that it will turn off any man.

What idiot told you that?

October 15, 2015

Every dating coach out there will disagree with the initiating the talk as a woman because as much as we women have changed over the years, in a relationship the roles are still very traditional. At least with the men I dated so far. We've talked about our relationship once, it was his idea to bring it up btw, and he said that the ideal relationship is when people don't pressureized each other and let things unfold naturally/organically. Now I don't know why he said that to me, but I read it as: If you try to push things I will pull away even further. And it is not a big deal to text him first, it's just I'll never know whether or not he's truly interested if I'm the one controlling the outcome, trying to get him to talk to me like an attention wh***

OK, a few things...

I am a pretty traditional female. I didn't even lose my virginity until my wedding night. I also like to let the man do the prusuing initially (not that I won't drop hints, but yes, I'm one of "those" women).

But, sweetie, I am going to be frank. You're just plain wrong about this never talking/not asking for what you need thing. Unless you are part of a very conservative, Duggar style church or something (in which case you wouldn't have had sex), your ideas are just.....not going to work in 2015. I don't care what authors out to make money say.

You have known this man 5 months and having been seeing him for 2-3? That is plenty long enough to tell him you'd love to talk with him more. You will not lose your lady card if YOU initiate conversation. Nobody here can answer most of your questions because they are all about what he is thinking and doing. HE is the only one who can give you an answer.

Most men are not all that complex (and that is not meant to be insulting). If you want to know something, ask, and if you want/need something, ask. They are not mind-readers. They don't do all that read-between-the-lines-nuance-dance stuff we women do (for the most part).

Does he know he is your "first"? I think this is part of why your emotions are so strong and on the surface too. Despite what 2015 tries to tell us, I think for many women that first intimate encounter is pretty significant and pretty emotional.

Just be honest with him.

October 15, 2015

Gemma:
He text her every 3 days, meh. Does that sound like someone interested in connecting with her after 5 months of being in touch?

OP posted that he usually texts every day or every other day and occasionally leaves a break of 3 days.

October 15, 2015

Bitter Feminist: How often do you see each other?

Lately we have been meeting once/twice a week, depending on our schedules ( either he drives all the way to my place or we meet in between) And the reason why we've been taking 2 months to have an actual date was because I freaked out the first time he asked me out for dinner, since it felt a little awkward as he was my former professor. So I said no he then stopped asking. But then eventually we met...There are days when he texts me every day then does not text for 2 days. He usually comes back though...

3 months is not enough time to commit to someone in a permanent way, I don't want a ring right now, why does everyone assume that I'm trying to tie the knot right now? I am just not satisfied with his communication style/would prefer taking/texting daily, but guess I will just let go and keep myself busy with other things...

October 15, 2015

What idiot told you that?

Well I am not going to convince/preach what's right or wrong in dating. Every one has their own style. If you think like a man and act like one, taking all the initiative, paying for your meal, driving to the meeting location, texting/calling first, pushing for commitment before he's ready-that's fine. I don't do that and I don't follow that. Does not mean I'm right, does not mean you're right either.

October 15, 2015

OK, a few things...

I am a pretty traditional female. I didn't even lose my virginity until my wedding night. I also like to let the man do the prusuing initially (not that I won't drop hints, but yes, I'm one of "those" women).

But, sweetie, I am going to be frank. You're just plain wrong about this never talking/not asking for what you need thing. Unless you are part of a very conservative, Duggar style church or something (in which case you wouldn't have had sex), your ideas are just.....not going to work in 2015. I don't care what authors out to make money say.

You have known this man 5 months and having been seeing him for 2-3? That is plenty long enough to tell him you'd love to talk with him more. You will not lose your lady card if YOU initiate conversation. Nobody here can answer most of your questions because they are all about what he is thinking and doing. HE is the only one who can give you an answer.

Most men are not all that complex (and that is not meant to be insulting). If you want to know something, ask, and if you want/need something, ask. They are not mind-readers. They don't do all that read-between-the-lines-nuance-dance stuff we women do (for the most part).

Does he know he is your "first"? I think this is part of why your emotions are so strong and on the surface too. Despite what 2015 tries to tell us, I think for many women that first intimate encounter is pretty significant and pretty emotional.

Just be honest with him.

You describe men like clueless little halfwits. The man does know where you stand and he knows women's default mode is always being ready for a relationship. If he does not take the relationship to the next level/does not call you/does not have sex with you-it's because he does not want to. No amount of pressure, talk, ultimatum won't engineer the desired outcome. So many women just cannot understand this. Being masculine only pushes him away, whereas if you lean back and just give him space will draw him in wondering why hasn't she chased me all this time. I am not saying ignoring him on purpose or playing hard to get, I am saying when I see him pulling away I do not try to lean in. I let it go. Painful? Hell yes, but at least I am not ruining a possibly blossoming relationship with impatience and neediness.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Bitter Feminist

October 15, 2015

paying for your meal, driving to the meeting location, texting/calling first, .

Yeah there is nothing sexier than a woman who uses you as a meal ticket, refuses to ever meet you half way and never ever initiates a text conversation.

Rolls eyes.

Honestly,where are you getting this stuff from?

I like a woman to be feminine, but these "qualities" are not femine,they just smack of entitlement.

October 15, 2015

3 months is not enough time to commit to someone in a permanent way, I don't want a ring right now, why does everyone assume that I'm trying to tie the knot right now? I am just not satisfied with his communication style/would prefer taking/texting daily, but guess I will just let go and keep myself busy with other things...

So one on here said such a thing. There is a world between casually dating and putting a ring around your finger. One of those world is called 'exclusive dating' and a couple of months is plenty for a man and a woman to decide if they wish to date each other exclusively. It doesn't mean they have to introduce family or anything like that, it just means they have clear agreement to only date each other.

October 15, 2015

So many women just cannot understand this. Being masculine only pushes him away, whereas if you lean back and just give him space will draw him in wondering why hasn't she chased me all this time.

Those theories would work if all men were alpha-males but it's not the case. There is a very small amount of true alpha-males. Lots of men out there are gamma, omega or beta and those dating theories won't work on them and probably have the opposite result.

I find it too simplistic to think one method fits all.

October 15, 2015

3 months is not enough time to commit to someone in a permanent way, I don't want a ring right now, why does everyone assume that I'm trying to tie the knot right now? I am just not satisfied with his communication style/would prefer taking/texting daily, but guess I will just let go and keep myself busy with other things...

So what advice were you hoping to hear, OP? Because, from what I can see, you have received tons of good advice on this thread, none of which requires "masculine energy" (as your idol Phang would say), yet you consistently reject it. You reject out of hand any advice that suggests that you actually communicate with this guy. So are you hoping someone has a magic potion you can slip into his drink that will make him want to call you more often?

By the way, for everyone who thinks leaning in is stupid/idiotic/doormat strategy in relationships I recommend visiting Katarina Phang's website, read her blog. She is really wise and her dating advice is radically different than all the goal-oriented masculine energy advice out there.

I see that for $700 I can order tapes that will teach me to lean back. :eek:

In any case, from what little I gleaned, I don't see wisdom, but perhaps the female counterpart to the PUA stuff many guys spout, also with little success.

Edited October 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

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