Why is he doing this to me?

October 14, 2015

I'm saying, wait long enough to be sure, but not YEARS. More than 4 months , or let's say, to give you more time since you have such strong feelings, 6 months there is no way things will get better if he isn't making steps forward by then. If you're not careful you can stay on a string for years and years and waste your youth while if you let go of a man when he's not coming through for you, you just make yourself available for another one and for happiness. I know it would be the worst pain ever, but it does pass and love usually comes again.

Hope it works out with this guy, but if not, know he's definitely NOT the last one for you.

I don't know about the timing... I know several couples within my social group that waited more than 6 months, were on/off before actually committing and taking things to the next level. I am not saying that I want to marry him right now, I am still in college. But I really feel miserable because of the lack of communication. 4 times a week is just not enough when I need to hear from him every morning...

October 14, 2015

Thats odd. After sex is probably the one time I text the girl I'm seeing currently - that and to arrange a meetup.

Why do you think it is up to him to initiate ALL text conversations?
Which "rules" are you reading telling you that?

If I had to initiate all text conversations (on top of planning dates and paying for dates, like this guy has to) then I'd probably assume the girl wasn't that interested.

Also, I think it was asked earlier, but is your username suppose to be ironic?

He knows I am interested, I always compliment him, tell him how much I loved spending time with him, he even said that I should not put him on a pedestal...and yes, my username is just for fun.

October 14, 2015

I went through the same thing, but mine was different as we are both the same age. Matter of fact, he is a few months younger than me. In his situation, he had a very active social life and he's also a bit more inexperienced with relationships.

The truth is, as he started to love me and become more attached to me, he started being in contact more regularly, replying more often and being sensitive and understanding towards my feelings. Incidental, I also got a more active social life and support network so I don't get upset at the rare occasion when I don't hear from him for 1-2 days.

My point is, I had the same EXACT concerns as you when I met him and the truth is, he wasn't that invested or interested in me. He had a surgery where he was in the hospital, I stayed by his side and we basically became very close. He began to love me and yep, in almost an instant, him responding to those texts and such and me feeling like I was needy became a distant memory. The guy just isn't that invested in you, and I think you should do what I did, which is develop a more active social life and stay busy, but do it for you, not for this guy. Best of luck!

October 14, 2015

He knows I am interested, I always compliment him, tell him how much I loved spending time with him, he even said that I should not put him on a pedestal...and yes, my username is just for fun.

this guy is a loser. What guy says don't put me on a pedestal? It sounds like he knows you are too invested and wants to manage down your expectations. Don't waste your time with a conversation just move on. You are probably more invested. I don't think everyone earns having a relationship talk with me if they haven't proven they are capable of a relationship we don't need to talk about where things are going. What has he done to prove that he is capable of something with you?

Also, you may want to give up on those rules a bit. They send mixed messages and prevent you from being authentic and real with ppl. Following a game plan doesn't work in healthy relationships. With something that is real there is mutual conversation and initiating and contacting b/c you both love speaking and seeing each other.

October 14, 2015

this guy is a loser. What guy says don't put me on a pedestal? It sounds like he knows you are too invested and wants to manage down your expectations. Don't waste your time with a conversation just move on. You are probably more invested. I don't think everyone earns having a relationship talk with me if they haven't proven they are capable of a relationship we don't need to talk about where things are going. What has he done to prove that he is capable of something with you?

Also, you may want to give up on those rules a bit. They send mixed messages and prevent you from being authentic and real with ppl. Following a game plan doesn't work in healthy relationships. With something that is real there is mutual conversation and initiating and contacting b/c you both love speaking and seeing each other.

so basically there is no way to MAKE him text me more unless he WANTS to. The "rules" or the "talk" are not going to change a thing, I know that from my negative past experiences. And in the beginning i was even clingier, I would get him special gifts, get him love notes, I even told him about my feelings and that is when he said that I put him on a pedestal and that I de serve better.

After that though he grew more connected to me emotionally, we became sexually active and everything was going good until it did not. He's back to his old routine of not texting/calling for days...I am busy, I have classes, friends and hobbies, but there's just no way to stop thinking about him. I guess this is a case of erotomania...

October 14, 2015

Noone should be twisting themselves into pretzels at this stage. Noone.

No need for a conversation. Just end it. You two aren't a match. Seriously.

And grow a spine for crissakes...

He's 35 and obviously quite used to being on his own. Find someone who doesn't want to be on their own and don't get attached to those who do. It's quite simple.

He's probably got some other girl(s) he's seeing closer to home and juggling both of you. Hope you used condoms.

October 14, 2015

I don't know about the timing... I know several couples within my social group that waited more than 6 months, were on/off before actually committing and taking things to the next level. I am not saying that I want to marry him right now, I am still in college. But I really feel miserable because of the lack of communication. 4 times a week is just not enough when I need to hear from him every morning...

Yeah but it depends who those people were. what was their history etc. It may or may not happen that way for you. I don't want to be a party pooper but the fact that he never had a serious relationship is a big negative for a 35 yo.

I say wait 4 months or 6 months from now on if you want.

My guy didn't talk to me daily either for the first three months and he also kept going on and on about how he's not a texter and he doesn't like to be home from work and feel he has to duty text someone yada yada yada. After he fell in love he started to text me daily on his own. I never asked him, I left him alone. I know I wished he'd call me instead but he never does. So I let it go.

I think you should let it go for now BUT observe if he asks you out regularly and if he's advancing the relationship. That's more important than texting. Wait until you're sure. 4 months, 6 months (from now) but don't waste years, if after that much time he's not stepping up with getting closer to you, let him go, cry one year or however long you need to and go on to find another man. You're still very young, you have time!

October 14, 2015

Noone should be twisting themselves into pretzels at this stage. Noone.

No need for a conversation. Just end it. You two aren't a match. Seriously.

And grow a spine for crissakes...

He's 35 and obviously quite used to being on his own. Find someone who doesn't want to be on their own and don't get attached to those who do. It's quite simple.

He's probably got some other girl(s) he's seeing closer to home and juggling both of you. Hope you used condoms.

Easier said than done...I had no problem ending things with the previous guys, but this man is special that is why I chose him to be my first man. He says he does want something serious, just hasn't met the right girl yet. Also said that he hoped that girl was me.

His recent pulling away happened after we had an intercourse. I've heard other women complaining about this male behavior that an otherwise loving/passionate man turns cold and distant after the intimacy. Why is that? Is it some kind of hormonal thing or does he start having second thoughts right after sex? He also said he enjoys it and cannot wait to repeat it.

Edited October 14, 2015 by Bitter Feminist

October 14, 2015

so basically there is no way to MAKE him text me more unless he WANTS to. The "rules" or the "talk" are not going to change a thing, I know that from my negative past experiences. And in the beginning i was even clingier, I would get him special gifts, get him love notes, I even told him about my feelings and that is when he said that I put him on a pedestal and that I de serve better.
After that though he grew more connected to me emotionally, we became sexually active and everything was going good until it did not. He's back to his old routine of not texting/calling for days...I am busy, I have classes, friends and hobbies, but there's just no way to stop thinking about him. I guess this is a case of erotomania...

Listen if a guy says you deserve better believe him. What he should be saying is I'm so lucky I found you not you deserve better HUGE RED FLAG! And I'm sure there are a lot more.

Bitter remember this clearly: There is nothing you can do to make anyone do anything ever! You are not that powerful. Ppl do what they want when they want. A guy crazy about you would definitely travel 60+ miles to see you through the week or the very least keep setting up dates to make sure you choose him. This is not a mutual connection. I wish someone told me a long time ago what that looked like but at this point when dating it should all be super easy and is it not for you so move on.

October 14, 2015

Easier said than done...I had no problem ending things with the previous guys, but this man is special that is why I chose him to be my first man. He says he does want something serious, just hasn't met the right girl yet. Also said that he hoped that girl was me.
His recent pulling away happened after we had an intercourse. I've heard other women complaining about this male behavior that an otherwise loving/passionate man turns cold and distant after the intimacy. Why is that? Is it some kind of hormonal thing or does he start having second thoughts right after sex? He also said he enjoys it and cannot wait to repeat it.

NO! Not a real thing. A healthy has sex with you and wants MORE sex they do not pull away. This guy is full of it. At 35 he really wants something serious but hasn't found it yet......ever! Yeah right. He isn't even self aware enough to be in a relationship. Something is wrong here. Also, he isn't that special no one is. Plenty more guys!

October 14, 2015

First, this guy doesn't meet your need. You either voice out your need or act it out to let him know that this is YOU, or move on.

Second, having one conversation or greeting daily is not needy, keep messaging multiple pointless texts (like "what u doing", "u home", "what u have for lunch/dinner", "hey") around the clock is needy. You have to ask yourself if you are truly high maintenance. Stop worrying about the rules, too. If you need to talk to him, put it into action. This will definitely surface the real j3rks - I tried: some accident happened and I texted to two guys; one asked me if I needed any help and kept comforting me, the other one fell asleep during texting and the next day blamed me not being considerate.

October 14, 2015

I think your gut is telling you that he is less invested in this relationship than you are. He sounds like someone who is emotionally unavailable (not having a serious relationship by his age, long distance relationship, lack of phone calls and contact, pulling back after sex) and sadly not at all serious about this relationship.

Daily contact is an individual thing. It's important to find someone who has the same needs/wants in this area. I happen to need daily contact in a relationship and if the person I'm dating doesn't contact me daily, I completely lose interest. We would not be compatible. It sounds like you know what you need, and believe me, there are plenty of other men out there who will give you what you need and actually deserve you. You are so young.... don't limit yourself to this guy who is NOT a good fit for you. At this stage, dating should be fun and not stressful.

October 14, 2015

Easier said than done...I had no problem ending things with the previous guys, but this man is special that is why I chose him to be my first man. He says he does want something serious, just hasn't met the right girl yet. Also said that he hoped that girl was me.
His recent pulling away happened after we had an intercourse. I've heard other women complaining about this male behavior that an otherwise loving/passionate man turns cold and distant after the intimacy. Why is that? Is it some kind of hormonal thing or does he start having second thoughts right after sex? He also said he enjoys it and cannot wait to repeat it.

His pulling away after sex is NORMAL. He says he enjoys it and cannot wait to repeat it. Accept what he says. Don't overthink it.

October 14, 2015

His pulling away after sex is NORMAL. He says he enjoys it and cannot wait to repeat it. Accept what he says. Don't overthink it.

Not healthy thinking. I have never seen a healthy relationship start out this way.

October 14, 2015

... I just want him to be more consistent though as those days with NO contact drives me crazy and put all sorts of thoughts in my mind: mainly I am afraid he will leave me or never text me back again...

OP, let me just correct your typo here -

"I just want him to be..."

what you meant to say is,

"instead of this guy that I almost really like, I want a man who is more consistent, etc.".

He is who he is.

He is not who you are really, actually looking for.

Sorry kid. If you invest one more week of your heart in him, it will just hurt a bit more when you get real with the situation later.

This is just based on what you wrote in your original post.

Best Wishes, truly,

Sunlight

October 14, 2015

So he finally called and acted like nothing's wrong and I didn't say anything either, just like we always roll. He has no idea what I'm going through in between the calls/texts. One of the posters "diagnosed" me right, this man and I have different attachment styles. I'm anxious he is avoidant, and they do not go well together...unless one of them changes. That would be me I guess because even I end this with the man I love I will still encounter the same relationship issues with my next man since this is a problem stemming from the inside and past relationships. Thank you all for the responses, I did not even hope to get so many answers.

October 14, 2015

He's never been in a serious relationship until 35? That's not good news at all. He also isn't invested. Since you seem to know the drill with leaning back and being feminine etc., you know you shouldn't have slept with him before you were his girlfriend officially.

Now that it's done all you can do is either:

1. Leave because you feel his lack of investment.
2. Find a way to control you anxiety and wait a bit longer. Maybe 2 more months. If things don't progress with more communication, getting together, introducing you to family and friends as his girlfriend, making future plans etc., leave then.

I know it's excruciatingly painful, but know that staying with a man who doesn't really want you, what you do is blocking your chances to find the man who does and will be the one for you.

I disagree with the statement above. Sex has nothing to do with commitment at least to me. It is also not a bargaining chip, you don't trade sex for a relationship. Sex is only a natural way of connecting/expressing feelings to a person you're infatuated with. Plus I don't think in this modern day and age there are so many men willing to wait that long before having sex. Some men wouldn't even consider committing to someone they're not sexually compatible with. It is painful to realize your partner is dull in bed after you invested emotionally or committed in a permanent way (marriage, moving in and etc).

October 14, 2015

Every dating coach out there will disagree with the initiating the talk as a woman because as much as we women have changed over the years, in a relationship the roles are still very traditional. At least with the men I dated so far. We've talked about our relationship once, it was his idea to bring it up btw, and he said that the ideal relationship is when people don't pressureized each other and let things unfold naturally/organically. Now I don't know why he said that to me, but I read it as: If you try to push things I will pull away even further. And it is not a big deal to text him first, it's just I'll never know whether or not he's truly interested if I'm the one controlling the outcome, trying to get him to talk to me like an attention wh***

He is a player.

Move on,

G

October 14, 2015

He sounds perfectly consistent to me. He hasn't changed his behaviour.

He just doesn't see the need to be in daily contact.

He always initiates, asks you out an pays. After 5 months you really ought to reciprocate on that.

I would love to meet a guy who didn't blow up my phone every day.

Since leaving my LTR it's something that has been impossible to find.

October 14, 2015

He sounds perfectly consistent to me. He hasn't changed his behaviour.
He just doesn't see the need to be in daily contact.
He always initiates, asks you out an pays. After 5 months you really ought to reciprocate on that.

I would love to meet a guy who didn't blow up my phone every day.
Since leaving my LTR it's something that has been impossible to find.

Well, in a way he is consistently inconsistent, at least it is the style of communication. I dated a guy for 3 months before who started off really strong, would make date plans 4 times a week, call me twice a day and then I watched him pulling away and completely disappear for weeks. I broke up with him. But this one is just not glued to his phone I guess or maybe he and I have not established the level of emotional closeness to chat daily.

October 14, 2015

I prefer him to initiate the most texts/calls. I've tried to text him during those 2-3 days of silence, he did not ignore me but I could feel he was not thrilled to hear from me so I left him alone...

Your first red flag is a 35 year old MAN who has never had a long-term relationship.

Secondly, because he's inexperienced (or selfish, or socially stunted - who knows why he has no experience being in a relationship?) he probably has no idea what women expect from him.

Third, you live 70 miles from each other, so that equates to basically an hour and a half each way. It's not like you can meet him after work on a Tuesday night for a cup of coffee or stop by his place with a pizza on a Wednesday night. Everything has to be planned.

He doesn't feel the risk is worth the reward. In other words, all the work involved in growing a relationship with you isn't worth all the work and effort for him. He's the one that has to maintain contact between you both, he's the one that has to drive to you because of your freeway phobia, he's the one that has to do all the work for someone who lives 70 miles away.

Quite honestly, there's just not a lot of 'reward' in dating someone who lives an hour and a half away.

It looks as though that's why he's only investing a minimum of effort into this. He doesn't see you as long-term girlfriend material.

October 14, 2015

His pulling away after sex is NORMAL. He says he enjoys it and cannot wait to repeat it. Accept what he says. Don't overthink it.

LOL.

That has NEVER been my experience. I usually have just the opposite happen - the guy starts wanting to define our relationship and/or become exclusive.

So no, pulling away like an emotionally stunted 17 year old teenage kid after sex is not 'normal' for everyone. Maybe it's normal for those who are just looking for a casual FWB thing, but not for guys who actually want an emotional connection.

October 14, 2015

Ummm, plenty of couples start out really into each other and talk daily without burning things out......

The best couples I know certainty didn't start out indifferent and "cool and casual"

The happiest long term couple I know started out super into each other. They didn't proclaim their intent to marry and have babies or anythin weird.....but they were too into each other to not talk daily.

My boyfriend is a true introvert and he HATES texting..... yet he didn't go days without texting or calling. .....

And after a few months, a man who is head over heels for you would have fallen in love wth you by now........

Non daily contact a few months in and a stangant pace is indicative of a man who just isn't that into you.

Slow and steady and catching feelings for someone slowly doesn't win the great relationship race.....

October 14, 2015

He sounds perfectly consistent to me. He hasn't changed his behaviour.
He just doesn't see the need to be in daily contact.
He always initiates, asks you out an pays. After 5 months you really ought to reciprocate on that.

I would love to meet a guy who didn't blow up my phone every day.
Since leaving my LTR it's something that has been impossible to find.

After five months he should be head over heels and in love by now.

Relationships that start out this lukewarm are never great love stories.

Five months is enough to know by now whether or not he wants relationship. ....

No man who's super into a woman takes five months to decide if a relationship is something he wants. .....

October 14, 2015

It's not really 5 months, since they only talked on the phone/text for 3. It's 2 months.

Anyway, good luck!

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