Why is he doing this to me?

October 14, 2015

Well I just don't understand if his communication style is normal for him or is it a clear indication that he is not that into me. If I had some confidence in our relationship ( as a needy person I never will unless I have a ring on my finger) I would not mind not texting for couple of days. My problem is that I am afraid that the 2 days may stretch into a week, 2 weeks and eventually just end there with no proper goodbye. It has happened to me before with another guy, though I did not suffer as much I was not love with him as I am with this man. And he used to be my professor so that is why I was so reluctant to go out with me, it took us 2-3 months to figure things out.

Frankly, you need to get some resolutions on a lot of things here.

It sounds like because you've not dealt with your neediness issues from past relationships, that you're expecting this man to do that heavy lifting for you---which is 1. not fair and 2. not his responsibility. You're not a child---if you want this particular man, you need to speak up and ask for what you want, not expect him to read your mind.

As long as you keep quiet and torment yourself with "what ifs" all the time, he's never going to know that he's not hitting the mark with you and this will be a never ending, silly cycle of "why can't you read my mind????"

And BTW--that ring isn't going to erase the boatload of emotional work you needed to have already done and resolved before you turned your attention in his direction.

October 14, 2015

I was not having any expectations JUST because we had a sexual intercourse. But I would like him to text me more often and get rid of this anxiety.

That is an unexpressed expectation and the anxiety issue is yours to resolve, not his.

October 14, 2015

Do you also make him plan and pay for all dates and initiate all physical contact?

October 14, 2015

Well I just don't understand if his communication style is normal for him or is it a clear indication that he is not that into me. If I had some confidence in our relationship ( as a needy person I never will unless I have a ring on my finger) I would not mind not texting for couple of days. My problem is that I am afraid that the 2 days may stretch into a week, 2 weeks and eventually just end there with no proper goodbye. It has happened to me before with another guy.
And this current man I am hurting over right now used to be my professor so that is why I was so reluctant to go out with me, it took us 2-3 months to figure things out. He asked me out couple of times and I had rejected but that is beside the point...

please stop calling yourself needy. PLEASE. Having needs and expectations does not equal needy. This guy just may not be able to meet your needs but that does not make you needy. As women we really can't continue this dialogue about ourselves.

October 14, 2015

Do you also make him plan and pay for all dates and initiate all physical contact?

Yes...Why would I pay if he's asking me out?

October 14, 2015

All you can do is give it a few more months see if anything progresses, even at his pace.

If nothing does progress you tried and gave it a chance.

So if you have to reluctantly move on you won't have any what ifs, maybes, regrets.

All of us have baggage we need to figure out endlessly. It is our responsibility to fix it, but it shouldn't be a thing that holds us back from life. And a lot of the times when you get close to someone they really help you figure those issues out in a wholesome, healthy, non harmful way.

Because really, if you won't communicate with him, which is your right of approach, and he will just be himself, only time can really tell if he's a user.

We can't really asses that now. Even if we try. Its still just a guess.

Time will tell.. ?

October 14, 2015

All you can do is give it a few more months see if anything progresses, even at his pace.

If nothing does progress you tried and gave it a chance.

So if you have to reluctantly move on you won't have any what ifs, maybes, regrets.

All of us have baggage we need to figure out endlessly. It is our responsibility to fix it, but it shouldn't be a thing that holds us back from life. And a lot of the times when you get close to someone they really help you figure those issues out in a wholesome, healthy, non harmful way.

Because really, if you won't communicate with him, which is your right of approach, and he will just be himself, only time can really tell if he's a user.

We can't really asses that now. Even if we try. Its still just a guess.

Time will tell.. ?

I really appreciate all of your input, however, I am so against the "communicating your needs" to your man. Maybe it's just my personal experience, but after THE TALK the particular man gets even more emotionally distant and pulls away even more. Maybe because he feels like you're trying to control the outcome/demand commitment before he's ready. I have tried this before and the guy eventually just stopped asking me out. I do not want to make the same mistake with this man. I also refuse to give up on him because he does not text me that often. My problem is my clingy/needy personality that I cannot control. I am jealous, overthinking every single text message/phone conversation we had.

October 14, 2015

Also, for every one in long term relationships, does your boyfriend/girlfriend text/call you on a daily basis? Is it every other day/every 2-3 days? What is considered normal?

October 14, 2015

I really appreciate all of your input, however, I am so against the "communicating your needs" to your man. Maybe it's just my personal experience, but after THE TALK the particular man gets even more emotionally distant and pulls away even more. Maybe because he feels like you're trying to control the outcome/demand commitment before he's ready. I have tried this before and the guy eventually just stopped asking me out. I do not want to make the same mistake with this man. I also refuse to give up on him because he does not text me that often. My problem is my clingy/needy personality that I cannot control. I am jealous, overthinking every single text message/phone conversation we had.

He was not interested in the first place if he pulled away. I have always initiated the talk and you win some and you lose some. For ppl who I was on the same page with it felt like a formality for ppl who were not interested they pulled away.

Is 70 miles really long distance? What is the driving distance? About an hour?

October 14, 2015

If I demand more clarity, more communication more this and that it will turn off any man.

You'd rather stumble around in the dark, bumping into and falling over things (doing harm to yourself) instead of turning on a light??

Why does it have to be a demand? That's extreme and unnecessary. It can't be a conversation between two adults who are already sexually intimate with one another? If it turns him off that you want more communication, then good riddance---he's not a good fit for you.

I am just leaning back, letting him lead, though I am a clingy girl, got to admit it. I want more attention/communication/commitment than he is ready to give.

This needed to be resolved looong before you got with this guy.

I guess the previous poster was right: I either adjust to his pace and see where it goes or just walk away, which I really don't want to do...I have feelings for him and he said he has feelings for me too. He even mentioned wanting to have dinner with my family once. We see each other once or twice a week mainly because we live 70 miles away from each other.

An hour fifteen commute one way during the work week is exhausting and that may be more of the reason why he may not seem as invested at this point as you are. Do you share this commute or is it him doing all the driving?

He's never been in a serious relationship so I guess him taking things slowly is just his normal behavior/pace.

He's 35 and never had a serious relationship? Wow.

October 14, 2015

Sometimes he drives all the way to my city, sometimes we meet somewhere in between. I cannot drive there since I don't take the freeway.

In general though, how many more days am I supposed to wait before moving on? He's never taken more than 3 days without texting/calling. If it stretches to a week do I still text him once or just move on?

October 14, 2015

Also, for every one in long term relationships, does your boyfriend/girlfriend text/call you on a daily basis? Is it every other day/every 2-3 days? What is considered normal?

I don't hear from my guy for 2-4 days sometimes. Other times, I hear from him daily. It all depends upon our schedules. I reach out and contact him because I'm an adult woman who wants to talk to my man. I don't play games of "read my mind or else". I'm too old for that kind of foolishness.

October 14, 2015

How many more days am I supposed to wait before moving on? He's never taken more than 3 days without texting/calling. If it stretches to a week do I still text him once or just move on?

I can't help you with that.

You have to determine if you're worth not stumbling around in the dark on purpose because you're trying to engineer an outcome.

October 14, 2015

I really appreciate all of your input, however, I am so against the "communicating your needs" to your man. Maybe it's just my personal experience, but after THE TALK the particular man gets even more emotionally distant and pulls away even more. Maybe because he feels like you're trying to control the outcome/demand commitment before he's ready. I have tried this before and the guy eventually just stopped asking me out. I do not want to make the same mistake with this man. I also refuse to give up on him because he does not text me that often. My problem is my clingy/needy personality that I cannot control. I am jealous, overthinking every single text message/phone conversation we had.

You have two things about yourself you need to sit down and this about.

1. You seem to blame yourself for some things

2. You fear being rejected

Go easy on yourself. It's not even a maybe. It is a definite case the guy from your past left because he wasn't into you. Your actions, of talking to him made him act. It doesn't mean your actions were wrong. You'll never really know. But it's best not to blame yourself for what many will tell you is a normal conversation, that even in the time of no women's rights women made damn sure to suss out from whatever means.

Your definitely not needy. Don't make me chuckle I have been married for 3 years. I text my hubby a million texts each day. We even call each other. I have a baby and it still didn't peter down. I am definitely not the norm. Yet to me I am not needy neither is my hubby. But omg to everyone else we would be needy.

There really is no norm. It's nice to hear what the norm is and fit into that. But ultimately the norm is only ever going to be what males you happy.

Your number one.

October 14, 2015

Sometimes he drives all the way to my city, sometimes we meet somewhere in between. I cannot drive there since I don't take the freeway.

Girl!!! You are kneecapping yourself.

October 14, 2015

Girl!!! You are kneecapping yourself.

He's complained about that in the past and said that he'd like to meet me more often, but because my driving limitations it makes it difficult to meet. I guess I will just wait for a day or two and if he doesn't text back I'll shoot a friendly/non-accusing text message...

October 14, 2015

I am so against the "communicating your needs" to your man. Maybe it's just my personal experience,

My problem is my clingy/needy personality that I cannot control. I am jealous, overthinking every single text message/phone conversation we had.

Your screen name is ironic, right? What kind of self respecting feminist won't communicate what she wants.

It doesn't have to be the clingy needy thing but if your favorite flavor of ice cream is butter pecan you can't stand out the counter with your guy hoping he's going to order it for you when his favorite is pistachio. You have to tell him.

If you are clingy & needy that is YOUR problem. You have to get a grip on it.

Wanting to talk to the guy you are sleeping with is not necessarily needy.

Sometimes he drives all the way to my city, sometimes we meet somewhere in between. I cannot drive there since I don't take the freeway.
In general though, how many more days am I supposed to wait before moving on? He's never taken more than 3 days without texting/calling. If it stretches to a week do I still text him once or just move on? .

Why can't you drive on the freeway? Work on that. If you overcome a fear & accomplish something scary it will be easier to stick up for yourself without being clingy.

You call him now because you want to talk to him. Sitting around fretting doesn't help anything. Waiting & wondering makes things worse. Control your own destiny instead. That begins with a call. It leads to driving on the freeway & ends with self confidence.

Also, for every one in long term relationships, does your boyfriend/girlfriend text/call you on a daily basis? Is it every other day/every 2-3 days? What is considered normal? .

Normal is cycle on the washing machine. Every couple defines normal differently. If I don't live with you, I don't want to talk to you every day. If you text me multiple times a day trying to have a conversation I'm going to feel smothered but I prefer more distance then most.

It's back to the conversation you refuse to have. You have to talk about your needs & expectations.

October 14, 2015

Every dating coach out there will disagree with the initiating the talk as a woman because as much as we women have changed over the years, in a relationship the roles are still very traditional. At least with the men I dated so far. We've talked about our relationship once, it was his idea to bring it up btw, and he said that the ideal relationship is when people don't pressureized each other and let things unfold naturally/organically. Now I don't know why he said that to me, but I read it as: If you try to push things I will pull away even further. And it is not a big deal to text him first, it's just I'll never know whether or not he's truly interested if I'm the one controlling the outcome, trying to get him to talk to me like an attention wh***

October 14, 2015

Would it be so bad to say casually in text, or vocal

"I miss you so much, especially when after you text me I don't hear from you for the next few days. I think of you every second then"

I know it sounds like mush lol

But that doesn't sound like THE TALK that would scare the life out of anyone. Or even anything a dating coach would not recommend saying.

October 14, 2015

Every dating coach out there will disagree with the initiating the talk as a woman because as much as we women have changed over the years, in a relationship the roles are still very traditional. At least with the men I dated so far. We've talked about our relationship once, it was his idea to bring it up btw, and he said that the ideal relationship is when people don't pressureized each other and let things unfold naturally/organically. Now I don't know why he said that to me, but I read it as: If you try to push things I will pull away even further. And it is not a big deal to text him first, it's just I'll never know whether or not he's truly interested if I'm the one controlling the outcome, trying to get him to talk to me like an attention wh***

Communicating your needs != Pressure.

Pressure assumes you're pushing for a particular outcome.

Communicating is just stating where you're at and what you expect.

You sound like you have a lot of anxiety around the relationship. That places a HUGE degree of power in the other persons lap.

Why should be date you? What makes you worth it? Why should he want to stay with you? What do you think you bring to the table?

These are questions that will help you better understand.

Honestly, I believe the age gap is seriously playing into the power dynamic in play here.

October 14, 2015

Honestly, I believe the age gap is seriously playing into the power dynamic in play here.

Agreed about the age gap. Also, most 35 year olds interested in something serious do not date 24 year olds. At 35 - I would think he knows how dating works at this point and part of is increasing contact over time to establish a connection.

I would be angry if I was dating someone and didn't hear from them daily but that depends on the casualness/seriousness of the relationship. Depends on the person.

October 14, 2015

Agreed about the age gap. Also, most 35 year olds interested in something serious do not date 24 year olds. At 35 - I would think he knows how dating works at this point and part of is increasing contact over time to establish a connection.

I would be angry if I was dating someone and didn't hear from them daily but that depends on the casualness/seriousness of the relationship. Depends on the person.

He was very insecure about the age gap and I reassured him that it was not a big deal for me. I am not angry, but very anxious. In the beginning (the first few weeks) he would text/call only 2-3 times a week. Now he's calling and texting almost every other day, though sometimes he takes these "day-offs" for 2-3 days and I don't hear from him at all. I could "break" his cycle but I am afraid of coming across as desperate. And I've heard about the rubber band effect when men periodically feel the need to pull away especially after sexual intimacy. Days after we get together/have sex/spend more than 5 hours together he acts really distant/does not text at all. But then I lean back, and he comes back on his own. It's just every time that happens I die a little inside...my friend is tired of hearing the same story and seeing my tears and you guys probably are bored as well...

October 14, 2015

But what about my feelings for him and a possible regret that things could've worked out if I waited long enough?

I'm saying, wait long enough to be sure, but not YEARS. More than 4 months , or let's say, to give you more time since you have such strong feelings, 6 months there is no way things will get better if he isn't making steps forward by then. If you're not careful you can stay on a string for years and years and waste your youth while if you let go of a man when he's not coming through for you, you just make yourself available for another one and for happiness. I know it would be the worst pain ever, but it does pass and love usually comes again.

Hope it works out with this guy, but if not, know he's definitely NOT the last one for you.

October 14, 2015

I don't understand this thread.

so he goes no contact for 3 days, and you just cannot contact him instead? you just have to complaint about it rather than text/call him and maybe tell him how you feel?

and if you do contact him then he must not reply then? if he blatantly ignores you then do you really need to wonder why he is doing this to you?

I prefer him to initiate the most texts/calls. I've tried to text him during those 2-3 days of silence, he did not ignore me but I could feel he was not thrilled to hear from me so I left him alone...

October 14, 2015

He was very insecure about the age gap and I reassured him that it was not a big deal for me. I am not angry, but very anxious. In the beginning (the first few weeks) he would text/call only 2-3 times a week. Now he's calling and texting almost every other day, though sometimes he takes these "day-offs" for 2-3 days and I don't hear from him at all. I could "break" his cycle but I am afraid of coming across as desperate. And I've heard about the rubber band effect when men periodically feel the need to pull away especially after sexual intimacy. Days after we get together/have sex/spend more than 5 hours together he acts really distant/does not text at all. But then I lean back, and he comes back on his own. It's just every time that happens I die a little inside...my friend is tired of hearing the same story and seeing my tears and you guys probably are bored as well...

Thats odd. After sex is probably the one time I text the girl I'm seeing currently - that and to arrange a meetup.

Why do you think it is up to him to initiate ALL text conversations?

Which "rules" are you reading telling you that?

If I had to initiate all text conversations (on top of planning dates and paying for dates, like this guy has to) then I'd probably assume the girl wasn't that interested.

Also, I think it was asked earlier, but is your username suppose to be ironic?

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