Why is he doing this to me?

October 13, 2015

I am a 24 year-old female dating a 35 year-old man. We have been involved for 5 months now. We are not established yet because the the first 2-3 months we were only talking-texting on the phone. We recently had sex and I don't see his behavior changing at all. However, this has been an ongoing stress source for me: his communication style. Before we had sex my emotional state was more stable and I could still tolerate him not texting me every day, but now when he does that I become really anxious. He may go 2-3 days without texting-calling. Then he bounces back as if nothing happens. He's been acting this way BEFORE-AFTER we had sex. I do not want to talk about this because I feel like as a woman I should lean back and let him lead, and pushing him for more communication will eventually turn him off or make him think that I am getting ahead of ourselves. I just want him to be more consistent though as those days with NO contact drives me crazy and put all sorts of thoughts in my mind: mainly I am afraid he will leave me or never text me back again. I have had guys in the past disappearing on me for no obvious reason and because I am so in love with this one, I lost my virginity to him, I do not want to lose him...please, help! I feel hopeless and low.

October 13, 2015

Don't have sex with him until you and he come to some sort of agreeable amount of communication.

Wait, too late.

Now your options are somewhat limited. He's got what lots of guys are looking for, he views you as a casual sort of thing while you're madly in love with him and afraid of being dumped.

I see two options

1- leave him before you get in any deeper and get even more hurt

2- find something else to do to keep busy between contacts and learn how to settle for less than you want, and hope he'll eventually come around.

October 13, 2015

I am a 24 year-old female dating a 35 year-old man. We have been involved for 5 months now. We are not established yet because the the first 2-3 months we were only talking-texting on the phone. We recently had sex and I don't see his behavior changing at all. However, this has been an ongoing stress source for me: his communication style. Before we had sex my emotional state was more stable and I could still tolerate him not texting me every day, but now when he does that I become really anxious. He may go 2-3 days without texting-calling. Then he bounces back as if nothing happens. He's been acting this way BEFORE-AFTER we had sex. I do not want to talk about this because I feel like as a woman I should lean back and let him lead, and pushing him for more communication will eventually turn him off or make him think that I am getting ahead of ourselves. I just want him to be more consistent though as those days with NO contact drives me crazy and put all sorts of thoughts in my mind: mainly I am afraid he will leave me or never text me back again. I have had guys in the past disappearing on me for no obvious reason and because I am so in love with this one, I lost my virginity to him, I do not want to lose him...please, help! I feel hopeless and low.

Ok, so here's what's happening.

You're clearly more emotionally invested in this than he is.

You're 4 months in, but he's treating the relationship a lot more casually than you are. This lack of commitment on his part is triggering the anxiety you feel.

The truth is this. You can't control his behaviour. You can only decide your own.

Is this situation working out for you? Not at the moment, no. If you're having to push for more commitment from him, then he's honestly not all that concerned with keeping you.

Men who are "into you", will push to spend more time, push to grow the relationship. He is doing none of those things.

You need to decide for yourself what you want. I know how hard that can be. But you need to decide for yourself what you want and how much time and energy you're willing to waste on this guy.

If you don't like being treated like "an option", then don't allow people to treat you that way.

Just sit down with him and tell him you feel you're at different places in the relationship. Tell him you feel like things aren't moving forward and that you're starting to feel like things are stagnating.

See how he responds to that. If he's not planning dates with you, not calling you, not putting much effort into building a relationship with you, then.. I'm sorry, he's not that into you.

October 13, 2015

You have to get a hold of yourself. He is consistent. You want more communication than he is capable of. Many 35 year old do not want to talk to somebody daily no matter how they feel about the person. You are free to tell him you would prefer more communication but you may not get the constant validation you seem to want. It's not that he doesn't care. It's just that he doesn't communicate like that

October 13, 2015

I don't even know where to start.

Does the guy you're dating know he took your virginity?

Why did you choose to lose your virginity to a guy who (even before you slept with him) didn't keep in contact with you as much as you'd like?

The bottom line is that you need to voice your concerns. Just let him know that at this point, you'd like a bit more communication. Personally, I don't think it's too much to ask that you speak with him more than once every few days.

As far as the fear of him leaving goes - if he likes you enough, he won't.

October 13, 2015

It took me awhile to realize that you just don't need to talk to/see your SO every single day. You can, but after time it's just unnecessary to call and be like hey, I'm eating pizza. Or hey, it's raining outside. The guy just may not have anything pertinent to say all the time so what's the point?

October 13, 2015

I don't understand if you want to hear form him why you don't text him?

After a few months dating there should not be anymore games like who texts who first. You are in this together

Also, if he talks to you each 2-3 days and you never contact him during that time he thinks it's fine with you.

You don't need to re-invent the wheel here. Just text him hello for goodness. You sleep with him but you don't want to text him??

October 13, 2015

Your gut is felling you that being in this type of relationship will not make you happy.

So, face your fears of personal rejection.

And deal with this.

Communicate with him.

Let him decide weather he wants to carry on or not.

And accept the possibility that he won't.

October 13, 2015

I know it may be hard for you but its only 2-3 days. Its not like weeks.

You just have to be patient and not ruin an early relationship that could blossom.

I used to date a girl who used to text, email or phone to find out what I was up to. I swear it was a real turn off for me.

Sometimes us men like a bit of a chase so ease off a little and go at his pace.

October 13, 2015

I know it may be hard for you but its only 2-3 days. Its not like weeks.

You just have to be patient and not ruin an early relationship that could blossom.

I used to date a girl who used to text, email or phone to find out what I was up to. I swear it was a real turn off for me.

Sometimes us men like a bit of a chase so ease off a little and go at his pace.

It depends.

People that see each other 2-3 times a week don't need to speak that often but if he only sees her 1 time a week and she has to wait 3 days to hear from him, that's not enough to build a connection and intimacy.

October 13, 2015

First of all, the title of this should be:

"Why am I doing this to myself".

In the thread you clearly state how a lot of this is your own insecurity. There is a whole science on attachment styles. You are probably 'anxious', he is probably 'avoidant'.

The bad news is, those two styles usually don't go well together.

Good news is, you can decide what you can do with that knowledge. I doubt he is inherently trying to make you angry.

Have you had this conversation with him? Do you have transparency in your relationship?

October 13, 2015

It depends.

People that see each other 2-3 times a week don't need to speak that often but if he only sees her 1 time a week and she has to wait 3 days to hear from him, that's not enough to build a connection and intimacy.

I hear what you say but some people move at different speeds. Like I said earlier its not like its weeks on end.

Besides how many people gradually become closer over time and how many people actually text every day in the beginning.

Just go with the flow. If it starts fast it will burn out fast. Whats the rush anyway?

October 13, 2015

I don't understand this thread.

so he goes no contact for 3 days, and you just cannot contact him instead? you just have to complaint about it rather than text/call him and maybe tell him how you feel?

and if you do contact him then he must not reply then? if he blatantly ignores you then do you really need to wonder why he is doing this to you?

October 14, 2015

Everyone's harping on the fact that you don't contact him but I'm going to be frank here. He's not even acting like a guy who wants to be with you in any sort of serious capacity.

A guy who WANTS you isn't going to bang you and then go missing for 2-3 days.

To me, this screams "Play Thing." Play thing being you.

He's significantly older than you, in FIVE MONTHS he's not doing anything to progress the "relationship." Damn girl, it took him 2-3 months to even MEET YOU.

Basically everything going on right now is for HIS benefit. Not yours in any way, shape or form. HE wants sex? He gets it. HE wants to then go and do whatever he wants for days on end? Fine. Everything about this is casual. Uncommitted.

Dudes in general are pretty clueless. They can't read minds, so I'm giving him like a 5% benefit of the doubt chance that maybe he's just an idiot who isn't using you. But also generally, men go after what they want. They lock down what they want. They SHOW the woman they want them.

If you're adult enough to be having sex with you, you're adult enough to have the conversation.

And this is my last point: If you're too scared to talk to him because you're scared of running him off, then you KNOW DEEP DOWN that he's not a reliable solid figure in your life.

You're on shaky ground and I'd advise stepping onto more solid land.

October 14, 2015

I think your situation is fairly common. Being 11 years older I am guessing he has either established a life and career which keep him busy or he has been married before and has commitment issues. I dated someone who was younger than me and wanted me to be her sole source for social interaction it ended up being to much for me. I would say establish a strong social network aside from him and continue to see him when he makes plans and contacts you. Accept him for who and what he is and if doesn't meet your needs then move on to someone who prefers more regular conversation.

October 14, 2015

I am a 24 year-old female dating a 35 year-old man. We have been involved for 5 months now. We are not established yet because the the first 2-3 months we were only talking-texting on the phone. We recently had sex and I don't see his behavior changing at all. However, this has been an ongoing stress source for me: his communication style. Before we had sex my emotional state was more stable and I could still tolerate him not texting me every day, but now when he does that I become really anxious. He may go 2-3 days without texting-calling. Then he bounces back as if nothing happens. He's been acting this way BEFORE-AFTER we had sex. I do not want to talk about this because I feel like as a woman I should lean back and let him lead, and pushing him for more communication will eventually turn him off or make him think that I am getting ahead of ourselves. I just want him to be more consistent though as those days with NO contact drives me crazy and put all sorts of thoughts in my mind: mainly I am afraid he will leave me or never text me back again. I have had guys in the past disappearing on me for no obvious reason and because I am so in love with this one, I lost my virginity to him, I do not want to lose him...please, help! I feel hopeless and low.

In view of other posts I'm currently writing in another thread, I really feel I can't comment on the above, save to say that what you have included in the quoted comment, (my bolded) totally belies your forum name.

I find the disparity alarming.

I truly do.

October 14, 2015

So OP, are you saying you text him and he waits 2 or 3 days to reply?

Or are you saving you both have a convo, it ends, you don't text him for a couple of days, and then he contacts you?

Regarding the initial 2-3 months of a "relationship" via text, don't do that again, big waste of time.

October 14, 2015

I think your situation is fairly common. Being 11 years older I am guessing he has either established a life and career which keep him busy or he has been married before and has commitment issues. I dated someone who was younger than me and wanted me to be her sole source for social interaction it ended up being to much for me. I would say establish a strong social network aside from him and continue to see him when he makes plans and contacts you. Accept him for who and what he is and if doesn't meet your needs then move on to someone who prefers more regular conversation.

This is a very good post and I was going to say the same thing. A guy that's 35 is established in life and has other things going on his life besides just you OP. The thing you have to ask yourself is what are his actions telling you? He's staying in your orbit, still planning dates, etc..

Remember, some of us just have other things on our plates and don't like daily communication. But that has nothing to do w/interest level. However, the one red flag for me would be that it took you SO LONG to meet in person. That to me is weird.

October 14, 2015

Everyone's harping on the fact that you don't contact him but I'm going to be frank here. He's not even acting like a guy who wants to be with you in any sort of serious capacity.

A guy who WANTS you isn't going to bang you and then go missing for 2-3 days.

To me, this screams "Play Thing." Play thing being you.

He's significantly older than you, in FIVE MONTHS he's not doing anything to progress the "relationship." Damn girl, it took him 2-3 months to even MEET YOU.

Basically everything going on right now is for HIS benefit. Not yours in any way, shape or form. HE wants sex? He gets it. HE wants to then go and do whatever he wants for days on end? Fine. Everything about this is casual. Uncommitted.

Dudes in general are pretty clueless. They can't read minds, so I'm giving him like a 5% benefit of the doubt chance that maybe he's just an idiot who isn't using you. But also generally, men go after what they want. They lock down what they want. They SHOW the woman they want them.

If you're adult enough to be having sex with you, you're adult enough to have the conversation.

And this is my last point: If you're too scared to talk to him because you're scared of running him off, then you KNOW DEEP DOWN that he's not a reliable solid figure in your life.

You're on shaky ground and I'd advise stepping onto more solid land.

Well I don't think a woman should initiate THE talk anyway. It is a masculine thing to do. If I demand more clarity, more communication more this and that it will turn off any man. I am just leaning back, letting him lead, though I am a clingy girl, got to admit it. I want more attention/communication/commitment than he is ready to give.

I guess the previous poster was right: I either adjust to his pace and see where it goes or just walk away, which I really don't want to do...I have feelings for him and he said he has feelings for me too. He even mentioned wanting to have dinner with my family once. We see each other once or twice a week mainly because we live 70 miles away from each other. He's never been in a serious relationship so I guess him taking things slowly is just his normal behavior/pace.

October 14, 2015

Don't have sex with him until you and he come to some sort of agreeable amount of communication.

Wait, too late.

Now your options are somewhat limited. He's got what lots of guys are looking for, he views you as a casual sort of thing while you're madly in love with him and afraid of being dumped.

I see two options

1- leave him before you get in any deeper and get even more hurt
2- find something else to do to keep busy between contacts and learn how to settle for less than you want, and hope he'll eventually come around.

You're right, I either adjust to his pace or walk away...and I don't think there is a sure way to guarantee a commitment before you have sex. I had sex because I wanted to, I did not do it for him, but for my own pleasure. I was not having any expectations JUST because we had a sexual intercourse. But I would like him to text me more often and get rid of this anxiety.

October 14, 2015

He's never been in a serious relationship until 35? That's not good news at all. He also isn't invested. Since you seem to know the drill with leaning back and being feminine etc., you know you shouldn't have slept with him before you were his girlfriend officially.

Now that it's done all you can do is either:

1. Leave because you feel his lack of investment.

2. Find a way to control you anxiety and wait a bit longer. Maybe 2 more months. If things don't progress with more communication, getting together, introducing you to family and friends as his girlfriend, making future plans etc., leave then.

I know it's excruciatingly painful, but know that staying with a man who doesn't really want you, what you do is blocking your chances to find the man who does and will be the one for you.

October 14, 2015

So OP, are you saying you text him and he waits 2 or 3 days to reply?

Or are you saving you both have a convo, it ends, you don't text him for a couple of days, and then he contacts you?

Regarding the initial 2-3 months of a "relationship" via text, don't do that again, big waste of time.

Whenever I text him he always replies. Maybe an hour later, but eventually he does text back. I am concerned about why he is not initiating contact on a daily basis...he's never been a texter though, even before we had sex. His communication style has been pretty much the same over the last 5 months. So I guess there is no particular reason to panic...It just feels really lonely during those days when he goes without contact. And yes, feels like I am way more emotionally invested than he is...

October 14, 2015

He's never been in a serious relationship until 35? That's not good news at all. He also isn't invested. Since you seem to know the drill with leaning back and being feminine etc., you know you shouldn't have slept with him before you were his girlfriend officially.

Now that it's done all you can do is either:

1. Leave because you feel his lack of investment.
2. Find a way to control you anxiety and wait a bit longer. Maybe 2 more months. If things don't progress with more communication, getting together, introducing you to family and friends as his girlfriend, making future plans etc., leave then.

I know it's excruciatingly painful, but know that staying with a man who doesn't really want you, what you do is blocking your chances to find the man who does and will be the one for you.

But what about my feelings for him and a possible regret that things could've worked out if I waited long enough?

October 14, 2015

Well I don't think a woman should initiate THE talk anyway. It is a masculine thing to do. If I demand more clarity, more communication more this and that it will turn off any man.

I don't think you could be more incorrect if you tried. A confident, self-assured, independent man likes nothing better than a like-minded woman.

I am just leaning back, letting him lead, though I am a clingy girl, got to admit it. I want more attention/communication/commitment than he is ready to give.

And he will never know this, realise this or respond to this, if you don't talk to him. He will merely assume that you are fine with things as they are, and continue his behaviour....

He's never been in a serious relationship so I guess him taking things slowly is just his normal behavior/pace.

I would venture to suggest then, that maybe he's feeling his way just as much as you are.... Perhaps trying to not come on too strong...

Ah, the blissful entanglements of non-communication.....

October 14, 2015

I think your situation is fairly common. Being 11 years older I am guessing he has either established a life and career which keep him busy or he has been married before and has commitment issues. I dated someone who was younger than me and wanted me to be her sole source for social interaction it ended up being to much for me. I would say establish a strong social network aside from him and continue to see him when he makes plans and contacts you. Accept him for who and what he is and if doesn't meet your needs then move on to someone who prefers more regular conversation.

Well I just don't understand if his communication style is normal for him or is it a clear indication that he is not that into me. If I had some confidence in our relationship ( as a needy person I never will unless I have a ring on my finger) I would not mind not texting for couple of days. My problem is that I am afraid that the 2 days may stretch into a week, 2 weeks and eventually just end there with no proper goodbye. It has happened to me before with another guy.

And this current man I am hurting over right now used to be my professor so that is why I was so reluctant to go out with me, it took us 2-3 months to figure things out. He asked me out couple of times and I had rejected but that is beside the point...

Edited October 14, 2015 by Bitter Feminist

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