Placebeyondthepines Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 Hello guys and gals, I am writing you in search of some help. The story is this: I am dating this amazing girl from June now, almost 5 months and things are great. She is wonderful, the type of girl you search your life, supportive, loving, caring, faithfull and receptive. I am 28 and she is 26, and I already see a future with her. She makes me happy and I am trying to do the same. But ... Our sexual life is horrible. I reached the point where I avoid having sex with her. It is hard to explain but things are really weird in the bed, she is always closing the light and the whole proces is weird, it feels sometimes like i am forcing her. We are doing it in only one position and she never help me finish in any way. I am the second guy in her whole life, the previous, she had a relationship of ...9 years. so from 17 to 26, same guy. We only do it in one position and i am really trying to keep my hard on because of how boring it is. I tried when I first noticed the problem to talk with her, but she became very defensive. I have no idea how to solve this problem, how to have this discussion with her. Please help! 1
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 I know you said she gets defensive but what does she say when you bring the subject up?
Author Placebeyondthepines Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 I know you said she gets defensive but what does she say when you bring the subject up? Well, I did not have ”the talk” with her about how things are going on. When I first noticed that the sex is weird, she shouted nothing, then said sorry and continue to kiss me. I have no idea how to put the problem in front of her. She actually is in the mood, but from the second she gets undressed (in the dark, always in the dark, wtf is that?! Things go south. I also notice that her nipples do not get hard, but she is wet).
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 well, based purely on the short opener you have posted, it sounds as if she has inhibitions of a major kind. She's self-conscious and insecure, and totally unaware of her own sexuality. You say she was with her previous ex- for a long time. Why did they break up? Upbringing? Strict? Religious? Relationship with her parents, and attitude towards them? So much may be playing a part.... On the sheer face of it though, be aware that you can't fix her. And if she gets defensive when you speak to her about it, it's obviously a touchy subject.... Maybe one that she has been presented with before. She's resistant to change because to try to change would be to admit that there's a defect there. 1
central Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 If she doesn't think there's a problem, she won't be willing to work on it or attempt to make changes. So, unless she does, this is what sex will be like with her - but eventually less and worse as the new relationship excitement wears off. You will probably be much better off dumping her and moving on. You are sexually incompatible. 4
EricaH329 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 How long have the 2 of you been sexually active together? A persons sexual performance is sensitive all around. How are you bringing up the conversation? Are you out-right telling her that she needs to change? That you don't like it? Honestly, if I were you, i'd casually bring little things up over time. That way, you aren't giving her a list of things that you'd like her to do all at once. Having sex with the lights off isn't uncommon. If that's something you'd like to start with, i'd suggest next time you are both ready to have sex, say something like "I think your body is incredibly sexy! Could we try having sex with the lights on this time?" or "You're extremely beautiful to me! Would it be alright if we left the lights on?" Something to that extent.
RoseWater Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 OP, you need to examine your own technique. It may well be that something you are doing or not doing is making her feel very turned off. 1
Author Placebeyondthepines Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 well, based purely on the short opener you have posted, it sounds as if she has inhibitions of a major kind. She's self-conscious and insecure, and totally unaware of her own sexuality. You say she was with her previous ex- for a long time. Why did they break up? Upbringing? Strict? Religious? Relationship with her parents, and attitude towards them? So much may be playing a part.... On the sheer face of it though, be aware that you can't fix her. And if she gets defensive when you speak to her about it, it's obviously a touchy subject.... Maybe one that she has been presented with before. She's resistant to change because to try to change would be to admit that there's a defect there. Well, she broke up with him after he cheated. But from the story, she wanted to do it a while before, because he was lazy, the type who did not want to do anything with her and so on. Her family relation I think was OK, parents that look happy together and faithfull to each other. No religion involved or other things. She works in advertising and she is a modern artist in her free time. She always said that this is new for her and so on. I don't think she is playing a part, why should she? The problem is that we are perfect for each other in every other things, but sexually. And yes, this is a problem and I don't know, if cannot go and say to her I will end it if things does not work in the sack.
central Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 OP, you need to examine your own technique. It may well be that something you are doing or not doing is making her feel very turned off. Yes, being normal and functional can be a turn off to someone who badly screwed up. 1
Author Placebeyondthepines Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 @RoseWater I never had any problems in the sack in the past. I don't mind going down or please my partner. I had never been selfish in bed, but funny enough, last time when I went down on her, she almost kicked my head, involuntary, but still.
stillafool Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 (edited) If she is telling you to keep kissing her she is saying that is what turns her on. So kiss her through the entire intercourse. Some women (like me) feel nothing when someone is sucking our nipples. That doesn't turn me on one bit. So just because her nipples aren't hard does not mean she isn't aroused. Edited October 13, 2015 by stillafool 1
Her Bridges Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 Perhaps this is what had been expected from her past relationship so it is all she knows? I mean, I'll be honest and embarrass myself here, but I'm 26 too and had a 7 year relationship since I was a teen. Inexperience and doubt can be a hell of a crutch. She may be nervous about trying new things or being in the bedroom in general - she wants to, but sticks to what she knows because she's yet to really connect with her own sexuality and just, frankly, is worried about somehow being foolish That may be a bit of projecting but I think it could be a pretty good guess. She's not "messed up" she's just in a rut. Remind her (and yourself) that it's not just about performance, it's about your chemistry. She should feel comfortable to express herself in any way she wants. And if something silly or embarrassing happens in the bedroom? Kiss her and show how attracted to her you *still* are. 1
xcupid Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 I still don't understand what you mean by her being defensive. Possibilities are: inhibited, inexperienced, insecure, self-conscious, or has been sexually abused. Just because she was in a long term relationship doesn't mean she's very experienced. From what little you have revealed it's possible that you're not doing what she enjoys. Do you know what she enjoys and what excites her? Are you doing things that she doesn't enjoy? You almost got clanged on the head when going down on her - does she enjoy that or was your technique wrong for her? Her reaction might be because you did something that either hurt her or she was oversensitive. Just because YOU never had any problems in bed before means nothing because you're with a new partner and you have to adjust and adapt to her so she gets enjoyment too. Lights off may or may not be a clue. She may be insecure or ashamed of her body. Start with the things she enjoys and progress slowly from there. She may need professional help to uncover what's wrong.
RoseWater Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 Yes, being normal and functional can be a turn off to someone who badly screwed up. How do you know the OP is normal and functional during sex? Do tell.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 How do you know the OP is normal and functional during sex? Do tell. I would say 'normal and functional' are terms so vague as to be irrelevant. I mean, let's try to define 'normal' and 'functional'. Nobody has pinned down what a normal functional sexuality is yet, as far as I know.... Let's just say that if there is a disparity in involvement, enjoyment and some frustration in methodology, something's either got to be addressed, or something's gonna give. 2
Author Placebeyondthepines Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 @xcupid Defensiv as in, i remember the look she gave me the first time I touched her ass. Imagine if you grab a stranger”s ass in a club or something like that. I asked her later if there is a problem and she said that: no, just nobody did that to me in the last period of time. @all I am not saying I am perfect or something, but in the past, I did not have any problems in the sack, the only issue was with my ex, our last week together when I touched her, but she did not love me anymore. Here i saw problems from the start, You know how you touch a really expensive vase? This is me with her, my first moments when i tried to touch her down there, the took my hand out from there. Even now it is really long until she is totally relaxed for me touch her down there. Maybe 15 minutes into it. As I said, she never help me finish and he touched me in a total of 7 times and that was briefly. I want to be with her, we are really good together outside the bedroom, but there, things are horrible. As I said, I can barely keep my hard on and it is killing me. I have no idea how to start the conversation with her.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 @xcupid Defensiv as in, i remember the look she gave me the first time I touched her ass. Imagine if you grab a stranger”s ass in a club or something like that. I asked her later if there is a problem and she said that: no, just nobody did that to me in the last period of time. @all I am not saying I am perfect or something, but in the past, I did not have any problems in the sack, the only issue was with my ex, our last week together when I touched her, but she did not love me anymore. Here i saw problems from the start, You know how you touch a really expensive vase? This is me with her, my first moments when i tried to touch her down there, the took my hand out from there. Even now it is really long until she is totally relaxed for me touch her down there. Maybe 15 minutes into it. As I said, she never help me finish and he touched me in a total of 7 times and that was briefly. I want to be with her, we are really good together outside the bedroom, but there, things are horrible. As I said, I can barely keep my hard on and it is killing me. I have no idea how to start the conversation with her. This is just my opinion, and you'd have to evaluate precisely how this would go down, so I'm just throwing it out there for your consideration: You actually tell her, over breakfast one day, that your sex life is frustrating the hell out of you, and if she isn't open to discussing it rationally, without blaming or getting defensive, then you can't see the two of you pushing this relationship forward or to a better, higher level. Sometimes, you just have to go for the sucker punch, and tell it like it is.
katiegrl Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 (edited) @xcupid Defensiv as in, i remember the look she gave me the first time I touched her ass. Imagine if you grab a stranger”s ass in a club or something like that. I asked her later if there is a problem and she said that: no, just nobody did that to me in the last period of time. @all I am not saying I am perfect or something, but in the past, I did not have any problems in the sack, the only issue was with my ex, our last week together when I touched her, but she did not love me anymore. Here i saw problems from the start, You know how you touch a really expensive vase? This is me with her, my first moments when i tried to touch her down there, the took my hand out from there. Even now it is really long until she is totally relaxed for me touch her down there. Maybe 15 minutes into it. As I said, she never help me finish and he touched me in a total of 7 times and that was briefly. I want to be with her, we are really good together outside the bedroom, but there, things are horrible. As I said, I can barely keep my hard on and it is killing me. I have no idea how to start the conversation with her. I think if you have any hope of this working out long term, you are going to have to discuss your frustration with her ... as uncomfortable as that convo might be. Clearly, she has some serious issues surrounding sex... either that or she is not all that *sexually* attracted to you. I don't like to admit this, but I was not all that sexually attracted to my first boyfriend, although we got along fabulously in every other way! And he was physically super attractive too, but I just wasn't *feeling it* -- not sexually anyway. I even enjoyed cuddling and snuggling, and kissing him, I felt very emotionally *safe* with him, and loved him for all those reasons. But sex? It was a real struggle for me because I just did not enjoy it. I did not even realize what was wrong (I thought it was me), until I met my current, and WOW! With HIM, I can't get enough sex!!! And have no hang ups whatsoever ....in fact it's the exact opposite!!! Not saying this is your situation but it might be. Have you considered consulting a sex therapist? Assuming she IS sexually attracted, but just has hang ups? Edited October 13, 2015 by katiegrl
Emma Olivia Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 try to meke her understand about your sex i think she will understand. hpe your enjoyable life.
stillafool Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 @xcupid Defensiv as in, i remember the look she gave me the first time I touched her ass. Imagine if you grab a stranger”s ass in a club or something like that. I asked her later if there is a problem and she said that: no, just nobody did that to me in the last period of time. @all I am not saying I am perfect or something, but in the past, I did not have any problems in the sack, the only issue was with my ex, our last week together when I touched her, but she did not love me anymore. Here i saw problems from the start, You know how you touch a really expensive vase? This is me with her, my first moments when i tried to touch her down there, the took my hand out from there. Even now it is really long until she is totally relaxed for me touch her down there. Maybe 15 minutes into it. As I said, she never help me finish and he touched me in a total of 7 times and that was briefly. I want to be with her, we are really good together outside the bedroom, but there, things are horrible. As I said, I can barely keep my hard on and it is killing me. I have no idea how to start the conversation with her. Alot of women hate being fingered FYI. If you are concerned that you only do it missionary position why don't you take the lead and change the position. Take charge and show her what you want as she doesn't sound experienced. Why is it up to her to make sex great and not you?
Maggie4 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 I think the OP has some problems with sex. By that I mean, in terms of being sort of inflexible and intolerant. For example, why must the lights be on? If someone prefers lights off, that's ok, no need to over react. If you look at pornography, you find things are always done a certain way, there's a formula: lights on, nipples hard, butt grabbing, more than one position, but quite predictable. But real sex between real people has all sorts of variations, there is a huge range that falls within "normal". Western girls all seem to know the same tricks. How do girls do it in other societies, say, in the Himalayas? In that sense, I find this girl interesting. Her moves are not scripted. Don't worry about losing a hard on. Relax. Think outside the box. Anything can be kinky if you put your mind to it. 1
siriusp Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 She is very young (sexually). I know that until I was 26 I never had an orgasm! Many women don't really start to enjoy sex until their late 20"s.... Still - she sounds like she is insecure...... paying her compliments may help. I don't think this is a doomed relationship as the problem should be resolvable.
sandylee1 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 @xcupid Defensiv as in, i remember the look she gave me the first time I touched her ass. Imagine if you grab a stranger”s ass in a club or something like that. I asked her later if there is a problem and she said that: no, just nobody did that to me in the last period of time. @all I am not saying I am perfect or something, but in the past, I did not have any problems in the sack, the only issue was with my ex, our last week together when I touched her, but she did not love me anymore. Here i saw problems from the start, You know how you touch a really expensive vase? This is me with her, my first moments when i tried to touch her down there, the took my hand out from there. Even now it is really long until she is totally relaxed for me touch her down there. Maybe 15 minutes into it. As I said, she never help me finish and he touched me in a total of 7 times and that was briefly. I want to be with her, we are really good together outside the bedroom, but there, things are horrible. As I said, I can barely keep my hard on and it is killing me. I have no idea how to start the conversation with her. I find having my ass grabbed annoying at times. Like I'm a piece of meat, but my H still does it now and again. It isn't romantic for me at all. Why can't you finish while inside her? Does she have an orgasm? Does she make sounds to show she's enjoying it? Also, not to be mean - but just because you've not had complaints in the past , doesn't mean anything. I'd never bother telling a guy he didn't do it for me. I may just end the relationship, or weigh it up with other aspects of the relationship and let it go.
phineas Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 How do you know the OP is normal and functional during sex? Do tell. Only being naked around the OP in the dark & only doing missionary position is not the fault of the OP. .
Qboro90 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I would say 'normal and functional' are terms so vague as to be irrelevant. I mean, let's try to define 'normal' and 'functional'. Nobody has pinned down what a normal functional sexuality is yet, as far as I know.... Let's just say that if there is a disparity in involvement, enjoyment and some frustration in methodology, something's either got to be addressed, or something's gonna give. When you have sex with her do you direct her at all? Do you communicate during sex or just go throug the motions. One thing that I've always done that's helped with any partner is just taking the lead if I can feel the girl is either nervous, insecure, or inexperienced. "Turn over babe" then left her hips up so she's on her hands and knees/doggy. Lay down and motion to her or say "get on top sexy" or if you want to keep it playful and light "wanna go for a ride?" And pull her onto your lap. Leading her into things can help her expand her horizons sexually. She's unsure of herself right now so she feels awkward and uncomfortable doing anything new. Take it as a chance to mold her however you want. Then if you do these things and she's unreceptive or unwilling, that's when you bring it up and need to discuss it with her. Tell her you want to have a physical attraction and relationship that matches your emotional connection. Trying things and opening yourself to trusting that your partners not going to take advantage or do anything that makes you uncomfortable is key. But if she won't bend over or give you head, or ride you, that's odd. Those are normal things and easy to do and pretty basic.
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