Knowing you could do better [in a relationship partner]

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think a lot of this depends on how closely one's own values and preferences are aligned with those that society seems to place the emphasis on. The traditional paradigm is women seeking wealth and status and the currency they use to attract it is beauty... while men seek youth and beauty (for reproductive potential) and the currency they use to attract that is [drumroll] wealth and status. This isn't hard to understand or justify; there is evolutionary synergy in this model. However...

 

I have come to see this as completely stereotypical, immature and just plain tiresome. But then I'm older and done having kids. I don't need to worry about genetic proliferation, and I've been through a lot of sh*t in my life that has caused me to better understand what I want and need in a partner, and what I have to offer to a partner. And the answer is not exactly wealth, status, beauty on either side of the equation.

 

I'm not saying these factors aren't relevant, just that they are not the focus. I could easily tolerate a differential in these superficial items for a great match in terms of personality... smarts, communication, attitudes and values, operating frequency, openness, capacity for vulnerability & intimacy, passion, dedication... se entiende?

 

As people mature and evolve they may arrive a place where they no longer subscribe to what society values and achieve a better understanding of what they personally value and what they need from a partner, and when they find it they are able to value a partner for his/her unique gifts, and actually appreciate what they have rather than running around looking for the next upgrade.

 

This ^^^^^^^^^perfect

[DKT3]

Well, I see it as your partner being able to do much much better. I mean who wants a partner who has very little positive to say about them and has about as much respect for them as they do a 1998 honda accord that they can trade up to a "better" model.

 

Problem with this mindset is it never ends, first sign of trouble and your looking to trade up....and I will ask the question again, who is the other guy you have already turned your attention towards?

[PrettyEmily77]

People don't become involved in a day. They rarely break up in a day either.

 

And as uncomfortable as it makes people to accept, young women very very very rarely break up with a current BF without someone stepping up to fill in the gap already warming up on dec.

 

The time it takes to shuck the old depends on how good the new one is and how serious he/she appears to be about it.

 

 

That's absolutely not the case, IME. I've left most of my RS bc I wasn't happy, not bc someone was waiting for me. I love being single, I enjoy my own company and that of my friends and family and only consider entering a RS when I'm sure and I know the guy well enough to know I want to pursue things further. I know many like me. My current RS is everything I hoped it would be, and more. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be staying...

 

 

No one has to be in a RS. The person you're with is meant to help you strive to become a better person, not to fill a void until someone better comes along.

Edited October 14, 2015 by PrettyEmily77

[ManyDissapoint]

Why get into a relationship where you know you will have a wandering eye. It just seems irresponsible. At least that's what I tell myself to make me feel better about being single, since I'm damned handsome.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Settling for me would be getting together with a guy of whom I know that he lacks certain qualities which are really important for me. Like for example someone who is not generous, who does not like physical touch, who I don't perceive as intelligent.

It does not matter whether he is an objectively handsome guy but he has to be very attractive in my eyes, in such a way that I am really pulled to him.

 

I can't imagine getting together with someone about whom I am only lukewarm, that can never work. Besides, I also don't see why I would do that. I enjoy my life on my own, and even though a relationship would give it some extra colour and warmth, I find my life satisfying in many aspects so no need so share it with someone I am not totally in love with.

[DKT3]

That's absolutely not the case, IME. I've left most of my RS bc I wasn't happy, not bc someone was waiting for me. I love being single, I enjoy my own company and that of my friends and family and only consider entering a RS when I'm sure and I know the guy well enough to know I want to pursue things further. I know many like me. My current RS is everything I hoped it would be, and more. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be staying...

 

 

No one has to be in a RS. The person you're with is meant to help you strive to become a better person, not to fill a void until someone better comes along.

 

I fully agree with what your saying in your casd. However, this OP is camparing her boyfriend against something (SOMEONE). Its likely why all of a sudden she is having all these issues in her relationship. She is really just attempting to justify her interest in this nwer guy. Since NO ONE ever sees themself as the issue in a relationship then her boyfriend has to be less then worthy. Since in her words he treats her well then it has to be something else, anything else that prevents her from looking inside.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I fully agree with what your saying in your casd. However, this OP is camparing her boyfriend against something (SOMEONE). Its likely why all of a sudden she is having all these issues in her relationship. She is really just attempting to justify her interest in this nwer guy. Since NO ONE ever sees themself as the issue in a relationship then her boyfriend has to be less then worthy. Since in her words he treats her well then it has to be something else, anything else that prevents her from looking inside.

 

It was revealed in another thread started by the OP that the boyfriend in question has a dark side which has caused her to question many things regarding her relationship.

[compulsivedancer]

If you feel you could do better s/he is probably not the one for you. Now, if it's simply a matter of that person being less attractive and you like everything else about them, I don't consider that settling, unless it really bugs you.

 

But if you feel you could do better overall, either you could (and should) do better, or you don't appreciate your partner enough. Either way, you need to take a step back and find someone that you think is the best match you could find for YOU (not for what your friends or neighbors think, but for YOU). Once again, it's not about finding the best guy/girl, but finding the best match.

[JustGettingBy]

Beauty and the Beast scenarios make good Disney movies but they rarely pan out for long in real life.

 

A 9 is only with a 4 for some form of alternative agenda such as money, status or that person happens to be there to lick her/his wounds after being severely hurt. Once that person has healed, they will be back to looking for someone of their own league.

 

Super models do hook up with old, pot bellied, balding billionaires all the time. They are there for the money and lifestyle. They may say they 'love' them, but they love the lifestyle and security they provide.

 

They may be married to the old guy, but they are screwing young studs with abz and gunz on the side who are more closely matched to them in terms of looks and temperament.

 

In normal every day people, a mismatch in terms of dating market value is a very huge obstacle to overcome.

 

A 7 who is with a 5 will be getting offers from other 7s and even some 8s all the time. Some time those 7s and 8s will approach and make offers right in front of the 5 and will act kind of surprised and taken aback if their advanced are rebuffed.

 

This puts the 7 in a constant state of analysis and constantly trying to determine if it's worth it to stay or not and they can become very critical of the 5.

 

And the 5 of course is in a constant state of hypervigilence and insecurity wondering when they are going to say or do something that puts the 7 over the edge and calls it quits or wondering when someone they can't compete with Will make an offer that simply can't be refused.

 

It's pretty much a miserable situation for everyone.

 

What if they 7 views the 5 as a 7 or 8? Why is everyone assuming that everyone's 'value' is like the number of goals a hockey player has scored, and can be looked up and statistically analysed objectively? In dating someone who's seen as a 5 by most could be seen as a 7 or 8 by a few particular people.

[Frank2thepoint]

If you are in a relationship where you feel you are settling and know that you have done better and could do better, can the relationship work out?

 

This just means that the person is wrong for me. Disrespectful, takes me for granted, doesn't communicate, lies, cheats, or whatever. The relationship wouldn't work out because I'd just end the relationship.

[Kamillamorrow]

Are you truly in love if you feel like this?

[MissBee]

If you are in a relationship where you feel you are settling and know that you have done better and could do better, can the relationship work out?

 

Not for me.

 

If I feel that way it means I simply don't like the person all that much.

 

For me, when I'm with a man I really like, I don't see others. He may not be the best looking, smartest, richest or anythingest man but when I really like him, for me he might as well be the best! That's when I know the relationship is a keeper, when I feel satisfied and don't feel like looking elsewhere.

 

If I feel like I'm settling for less and have all these complaints or feel the grass is greener, it's time to move on for me as there is no going up from there. When you're happy and in love and are a good match you don't tend to compare. This is also my rule for dating after a breakup. I know that when I still compare a man to my ex it means he's just not all that of a match enough for me to feel like I've upgraded so I need to move on, or I just don't like him all that much. But once I meet someone and don't compare them to my ex anymore OR if I compare it's only to think how much better/more suitable they are for me than the ex, then I know I have a winner.

[DKT3]

It was revealed in another thread started by the OP that the boyfriend in question has a dark side which has caused her to question many things regarding her relationship.

 

Maybe, but I'm betting there is another guy. This is a classic case of rewriting. Things that she found attractive all of a sudden are creepy. Nah, there is another guy.

[todreaminblue]

to me settling in a relationship means knowing about that person and being comfortable with them...trusting them......having them feel the same way about you......settling to me is not a bad word......means a firm foundation.....and as another poster said i think to keep it settled takes hard work and effort.....separately and together....to keep it settled and calm and strong......so no...settling is not a bad word to me.....i dont think when you are in any relationship you should be thinking.... man i can do better....more like what can i do to make this relationship better......stronger....more love towards that relationship and the person in it with you, could help.....deb