Knowing you could do better [in a relationship partner]

October 13, 2015

One telltale sign is when a man feels overly grateful to be with you. Not merely happy to be with you and you happy to be with him, but the man is clinging on for dear life.

FACT IS, there is always gonna be someone cuter, hotter, thinner, smarter, better, etc. than you and/or your SO. So, always staring at others and wondering if you could do better, what "ifs", and/or GIGS is a waste of time.

Also, no one is 100% what we want/need. We all sorta do a pros/cons to decide if the overall picture of the person is worth it. We also have "deal breakers" - absolutes that no matter how great he/she is, you aren't gonna stick around for a deal breaker.

But, like JasminJones is saying in her quote ^^, I've seen that too. People who just get with "whomever" cuz "whomever" showed them attention....shoot, "whomever" isn't what they want and/or need in a mate, but they're just happy that they got "someone".

So yea, when they walk down the street with "whomever", yep, they constantly wonder if they are settling, did the right thing, etc. And, sad thing is cuz they didn't hold out for and/or pursued better, the day they meet "better" they get conflicted and/or its too late.

There's a saying in Spanish that sorta goes "Better to be alone than in bad company". I rather be alone than be with someone who isn't gonna make me happy. Cuz, think about it, if you just go with "anybody" - at some point you're gonna be miserable. So is misery worth over being alone?

Now yes, I've been in RLs with people who aren't what I'm really looking for, but I've never "clinged" onto them for dear life and/or married/had kids with them. I mean, if I'm gonna make a bad decision - I'm not gonna do anything that's gonna lock me into that decision (i.e. kids, marriage). Never know when you have to cut bait and dump them

And yes, I've dumped guys who got too clingy with me. The guy who left me for the town ho? In three months he said ILY. I hold "love" on a high level. I don't think in three months you know enough to "love" someone - no matter how great I treated him (yes, Gloria25 is very sweet to her men). And, now that I look back, I was right. He was very controlling. So, some guy (or gal) that's all over you w/o taking time to get to know you is a red flag to me.

October 13, 2015

If you already know you could do better whilst in a RS, why are you even in this RS in the first place?

October 13, 2015

If you already know you could do better whilst in a RS, why are you even in this RS in the first place?

Good question...

I think some people date down/up/opposite - for all kinds of reasons. They may think if they date down, while that person isn't what they want - they got someone they are "above" and/or won't leave them. But again, getting with someone for reasons other than that person having what you are looking for is gonna blow up in your face.

I also think a lot of people don't know what they want in someone. They haven't figured out who they are and/or what they want. They "date" to mate, marry, and/or have kids - not to make sure the person they are dating meets a set of qualifications.

They also date on emotion rather than practicalities. They go out for movies, like a song or two and think they met "the one". They advance quick, lock it down, only to figure out that they know "nothing" about that person.

We're not back in the day where people just got together to reproduce. People now have options and are more selective in who they can spend their lives with. Now yea, still some out there who will get with someone just cuz of what they can provide them (i.e. sperm, a roof over their head, companionship) - but often they are no really happy and/or are in fake RLs.

October 13, 2015

It depends on many different factors and like a few others have said, it depends a lot on how satisfied you are in the current relationship vs whether you are yearning for someone "better."

I was in a LTR one time that started when I was 22 and was pretty geeky and hadn't developed my career or developed as a man yet. And physically I was a shade under 6' tall and 145 lb string bean.

She was a few years older and kind of a Plane Jane but we hit it off well and things were good initially. I had had a few girlfriends before but I still kind of struggled with women and in the beginning of our R I was just glad to have a girlfriend and a steady sex life.

Over the next couple years there were cracks starting to form in that R and there were some things about her that just weren't cutting mustard and I was starting to grow somewhat dissatisfied but I wasn't ready to end it yet.

Also during that time, I had some career and educational opportunities to develop myself better and I started hitting e gym and over the course of a year or so I put on about 20+ lbs of beef and my arms and shoulders were no longer just strings hanging off my body.

It was then that I was getting interests and opportunities from younger and prettier girls and eventually even other women themselves were telling me that I could do better and why was I settling.

Eventually it got to be too much and I ended the R knowing that I could do better.

......and I did.

It wasn't that I just wanted to date younger and prettier girls. There were some legitimate issues that never would have worked long term with that GF. However knowing full well that I had other and better options sealed the deal.

IMHO if someone is clearly in a league or two above their partner and its clear that they can do a lot better (by their own scale, not necessarily societies scale)

eventually they will move on.

People are like water and seek their own level.

In my case I began the relationship as a fresh-faced boy venturing out into the world and during the R I developed into a more attractive and successful adult man and that afforded me more opportunities to date women that were not only younger and prettier but we're also more compatible with my wants, needs and temperaments.

October 13, 2015

It depends on many different factors and like a few others have said, it depends a lot on how satisfied you are in the current relationship vs whether you are yearning for someone "better."

I was in a LTR one time that started when I was 22 and was pretty geeky and hadn't developed my career or developed as a man yet. And physically I was a shade under 6' tall and 145 lb string bean.

She was a few years older and kind of a Plane Jane but we hit it off well and things were good initially. I had had a few girlfriends before but I still kind of struggled with women and in the beginning of our R I was just glad to have a girlfriend and a steady sex life.

Over the next couple years there were cracks starting to form in that R and there were some things about her that just weren't cutting mustard and I was starting to grow somewhat dissatisfied but I wasn't ready to end it yet.

Also during that time, I had some career and educational opportunities to develop myself better and I started hitting e gym and over the course of a year or so I put on about 20+ lbs of beef and my arms and shoulders were no longer just strings hanging off my body.

It was then that I was getting interests and opportunities from younger and prettier girls and eventually even other women themselves were telling me that I could do better and why was I settling.

Eventually it got to be too much and I ended the R knowing that I could do better.

......and I did.

It wasn't that I just wanted to date younger and prettier girls. There were some legitimate issues that never would have worked long term with that GF. However knowing full well that I had other and better options sealed the deal.

IMHO if someone is clearly in a league or two above their partner and its clear that they can do a lot better (by their own scale, not necessarily societies scale)
eventually they will move on.

People are like water and seek their own level.

In my case I began the relationship as a fresh-faced boy venturing out into the world and during the R I developed into a more attractive and successful adult man and that afforded me more opportunities to date women that were not only younger and prettier but we're also more compatible with my wants, needs and temperaments.

Perfect ^^...

And at least you were wise enough not to get tied down with kids/marriages with someone you knew you were just "glad to have a girlfriend and a steady sex life with".

October 14, 2015

It depends on many different factors and like a few others have said, it depends a lot on how satisfied you are in the current relationship vs whether you are yearning for someone "better."

I was in a LTR one time that started when I was 22 and was pretty geeky and hadn't developed my career or developed as a man yet. And physically I was a shade under 6' tall and 145 lb string bean.

She was a few years older and kind of a Plane Jane but we hit it off well and things were good initially. I had had a few girlfriends before but I still kind of struggled with women and in the beginning of our R I was just glad to have a girlfriend and a steady sex life.

Over the next couple years there were cracks starting to form in that R and there were some things about her that just weren't cutting mustard and I was starting to grow somewhat dissatisfied but I wasn't ready to end it yet.

Also during that time, I had some career and educational opportunities to develop myself better and I started hitting e gym and over the course of a year or so I put on about 20+ lbs of beef and my arms and shoulders were no longer just strings hanging off my body.

It was then that I was getting interests and opportunities from younger and prettier girls and eventually even other women themselves were telling me that I could do better and why was I settling.

Eventually it got to be too much and I ended the R knowing that I could do better.

......and I did.

It wasn't that I just wanted to date younger and prettier girls. There were some legitimate issues that never would have worked long term with that GF. However knowing full well that I had other and better options sealed the deal.

IMHO if someone is clearly in a league or two above their partner and its clear that they can do a lot better (by their own scale, not necessarily societies scale)
eventually they will move on.

People are like water and seek their own level.

In my case I began the relationship as a fresh-faced boy venturing out into the world and during the R I developed into a more attractive and successful adult man and that afforded me more opportunities to date women that were not only younger and prettier but we're also more compatible with my wants, needs and temperaments.

I relate to your experience. Thanks for your post. It is what it is.

October 14, 2015

As much as people hate it and try to deny it, there is such a thing as leagues and it is very hard to sustain a relationship when there is a significant difference in leagues for very long.

The person in the higher league will always be wondering "what if?" And will always have a yearning to try to do better. They will also always be getting offers and opportunities from people of their own league that will eventually wear them down and they'll eventually take someone up on the offer.

And the person in the lower league will always be dealing with the stress and pressure of trying to keep up and will be pretty constantly insecure waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It's a pretty stressful and frustrating endeavor for both people.

October 14, 2015

I guess I just cannot imagine finding someone who thinks I am "beneath them" remotely appealing. In fact, I would probably - TBH - assume I was actually the better one, due to their condescending arrogance.

October 14, 2015

My ex girlfriend lost some weight and when she got a new job she dumped me. I'm sure it helped her psychologically knowing that she was suddenly 'out of my league'. Nevermind the fact that I gave up jobs to start my own business--jobs that made three times more money than her $16 / hour secretary job. Nevermind that the vast majority of my life I've been in very good shape and just put on the pounds while I was with her.

Now my business is going a lot better and I'm in buff as hell again. Human psychology is so retarded.

October 14, 2015

Okay OP, I have to ask...are you having doubts about your "4"?

I'm going to repeat my question.

October 14, 2015

Considering the multitude of threads created on his behalf, I'll assume the answer is yes.

October 14, 2015

This is really hard for me to comprehend. I don't think I believe in leagues per se. I dated a guy who had a GED and I have an advanced degree. He was an artist and I was very professional. I guess on the surface it would be assumed we were not in the same league but he was to date the best relationship and most healthiest I have ever been in. He treated me so well and we loved each other so much that even though I had friends have issues with it, it was never really a big deal to me. We ended up breaking up more because I wanted a more traditional life and he saw his life going in a much more freer artistic direction.

October 14, 2015

It is all a matter of opinion. Someone you may think is gorgeous, intelligent, sexy, and a real catch....someone else may think is just the opposite. So in your opening question...how is it you determine who is better?

My husband and i are pretty well yoked in all areas....actually he got the short end of the stick... and where i am lacking...he is strong.

If you are in a relationship with someone...and you think you are above them....let me assure you...there is always someone who would be really happy to take them off your hands.

My sister has been married three times.....she always likes the "bad boy" type.

One time i said ...maybe you better let me help you pick out the next one.....she said no thanks...I don't like your type. So what i think is the winner and the better choice...she doesn't.

I don't know how you could possibly KNOW you can do better than what you presently have...but if you feel this way...i think you have some issues that need to be addressed. You need to evaluate what is really important in a relationship and stop comparing your partner with other people.

Even by asking the question...it shows a tremendous lack of respect,and immaturity....imho

October 14, 2015

I don't know how you could possibly KNOW you can do better than what you presently have...but if you feel this way...i think you have some issues that need to be addressed. You need to evaluate what is really important in a relationship and stop comparing your partner with other people.

Even by asking the question...it shows a tremendous lack of respect,and immaturity....imho

You know when people that are clearly more to your liking and are more compatible with you are making you valid offers.

And I believe asking the question can show introspection, self analysis and assessment of the situation rather than immaturity.

If your daughter was yoked to an alcoholic that sat on the couch getting drunk and watching tv all day and treated her like crap, wouldn't you want her to do some serious introspection and analysis of the situation and believe that she could do better?????

October 14, 2015

If your daughter was yoked to an alcoholic that sat on the couch getting drunk and watching tv all day and treated her like crap, wouldn't you want her to do some serious introspection and analysis of the situation and believe that she could do better?????

Yeah but the thread title says 'knowing you can do better' - once you actually know, what's keeping you? The introspection / self analysis / whatever has obviously already taken place, yet the person is still in the RS. It's either a tad dysfunctional or one or both parties in the R lack the gumption to go, IMO.

October 14, 2015

SO you are going to elaborate on the original question...and put in scenarios and specifics to the original question.

If my daughter was married to an alcoholic....she is married to a person who is sick....and it certainly does not mean she married beneath her....

I might be wrong...but i don't think this is what the op is talking about.

I have a feeling we are talking a whole different game here. One of....status, looks, money,......and if i am off base here....I stand corrected and apologize.

October 14, 2015

This is the OP who started the thread about her being a 9 and her boyfriend was a 4.

October 14, 2015

Thank you michelle...then what i sensed was correct. Looks....

October 14, 2015

Yeah but the thread title says 'knowing you can do better' - once you actually know, what's keeping you? The introspection / self analysis / whatever has obviously already taken place, yet the person is still in the RS. It's either a tad dysfunctional or one or both parties in the R lack the gumption to go, IMO.

Well if more suitable people are trying to date you then yes you do know that you can do better. Just like the example the other poster gives about if your daughter was dating a lazy alcoholic you'd know she can do better. It's not rocket science.

October 14, 2015

SO you are going to elaborate on the original question...and put in scenarios and specifics to the original question.

If my daughter was married to an alcoholic....she is married to a person who is sick....and it certainly does not mean she married beneath her....

I might be wrong...but i don't think this is what the op is talking about.

I have a feeling we are talking a whole different game here. One of....status, looks, money,......and if i am off base here....I stand corrected and apologize.

No, it's not about that stuff. But sometimes there is no point bothering to explain something to people who are committed to misunderstanding you. Several people in this thread clearly get what I am saying. Others choose not to.

October 14, 2015

I would agree...many folks here do understand exactly what you are saying.

October 14, 2015

It's very simple. If you think you are better than him, break up with him so that he can find someone who appreciates and admires him.

October 14, 2015

This is the OP who started the thread about her being a 9 and her boyfriend was a 4.

Beauty and the Beast scenarios make good Disney movies but they rarely pan out for long in real life.

A 9 is only with a 4 for some form of alternative agenda such as money, status or that person happens to be there to lick her/his wounds after being severely hurt. Once that person has healed, they will be back to looking for someone of their own league.

Super models do hook up with old, pot bellied, balding billionaires all the time. They are there for the money and lifestyle. They may say they 'love' them, but they love the lifestyle and security they provide.

They may be married to the old guy, but they are screwing young studs with abz and gunz on the side who are more closely matched to them in terms of looks and temperament.

In normal every day people, a mismatch in terms of dating market value is a very huge obstacle to overcome.

A 7 who is with a 5 will be getting offers from other 7s and even some 8s all the time. Some time those 7s and 8s will approach and make offers right in front of the 5 and will act kind of surprised and taken aback if their advanced are rebuffed.

This puts the 7 in a constant state of analysis and constantly trying to determine if it's worth it to stay or not and they can become very critical of the 5.

And the 5 of course is in a constant state of hypervigilence and insecurity wondering when they are going to say or do something that puts the 7 over the edge and calls it quits or wondering when someone they can't compete with Will make an offer that simply can't be refused.

It's pretty much a miserable situation for everyone.

October 14, 2015

Yeah but the thread title says 'knowing you can do better' - once you actually know, what's keeping you? The introspection / self analysis / whatever has obviously already taken place, yet the person is still in the RS. It's either a tad dysfunctional or one or both parties in the R lack the gumption to go, IMO.

People don't become involved in a day. They rarely break up in a day either.

And as uncomfortable as it makes people to accept, young women very very very rarely break up with a current BF without someone stepping up to fill in the gap already warming up on dec.

The time it takes to shuck the old depends on how good the new one is and how serious he/she appears to be about it.

October 14, 2015

When one person in a relationship has loads of the traits society values (this could be anything from good looks to huge wealth to an incredibly successful career or an Ivy League degree or a great, magnetic personality) and the other person has few or none of the traits that are highly valued, then of course a relationship might feel unbalanced.

It's not realistic to expect people to be completely oblivious to their 'social currency.'

Well if more suitable people are trying to date you then yes you do know that you can do better.

I think a lot of this depends on how closely one's own values and preferences are aligned with those that society seems to place the emphasis on. The traditional paradigm is women seeking wealth and status and the currency they use to attract it is beauty... while men seek youth and beauty (for reproductive potential) and the currency they use to attract that is [drumroll] wealth and status. This isn't hard to understand or justify; there is evolutionary synergy in this model. However...

I have come to see this as completely stereotypical, immature and just plain tiresome. But then I'm older and done having kids. I don't need to worry about genetic proliferation, and I've been through a lot of sh*t in my life that has caused me to better understand what I want and need in a partner, and what I have to offer to a partner. And the answer is not exactly wealth, status, beauty on either side of the equation.

I'm not saying these factors aren't relevant, just that they are not the focus. I could easily tolerate a differential in these superficial items for a great match in terms of personality... smarts, communication, attitudes and values, operating frequency, openness, capacity for vulnerability & intimacy, passion, dedication... se entiende?

As people mature and evolve they may arrive a place where they no longer subscribe to what society values and achieve a better understanding of what they personally value and what they need from a partner, and when they find it they are able to value a partner for his/her unique gifts, and actually appreciate what they have rather than running around looking for the next upgrade.

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Knowing you could do better [in a relationship partner]

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