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Knowing you could do better [in a relationship partner]

JasmineJones

By JasmineJones
in General Relationship Discussion

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JasmineJones Established Member

JasmineJones

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If you are in a relationship where you feel you are settling and know that you have done better and could do better, can the relationship work out?

TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

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There will always be something 'better' out there. If you choose to leave a relationship for this reason, then frankly, it's your partner who can do better. You should leave a relationship if it is simply not working and you have exhausted all of your resources in trying.

 

I am a psychotherapist and couples counselor, and I find that most people simply are not willing to work on themselves or their relationship to save it. They prefer to either have things their way and that the other person change, or simply leave and go repeat old patterns with someone new.

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kpl Established Member

kpl

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To me settling is being with someone who mistreats you because you don't think you deserve to be treated well and don't want to be alone. But dating someone who you love and they love you and may be they aren't a 10 looks wise or have the best job I don't consider that settling. So I think it depends on what you mean by "you know you could do better."

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road Established Member

road

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Funny how people say they could do better then the current relationship they are in yet they never get there.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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To me settling is being with a man I am not crazy about.

 

If he is not the best I have had look wise or if he's not professionally accomplished as much but I am crazy about him, that's not settling to me. That's following my heart.

 

So to answer your question, no. I could not settle. I would rather stay alone than lay next to a man that doesn't do anything for me.

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Zippy2000 Established Member

Zippy2000

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Depends how you mean you are settling. How did it get to this stage.

 

No one goes into a relationship thinking you are steeling for seconds. There must have been something there.

 

What is it you feel you have settled for? there is nothing in your post to suggest what you are "settling" for.

 

It it looks? Ambition? A bit more details to get an informed answer otherwise its the "grass is greener on the otherside syndrome":laugh:

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JasmineJones Established Member

JasmineJones

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One telltale sign is when a man feels overly grateful to be with you. Not merely happy to be with you and you happy to be with him, but the man is clinging on for dear life.

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kpl Established Member

kpl

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One telltale sign is when a man feels overly grateful to be with you. Not merely happy to be with you and you happy to be with him, but the man is clinging on for dear life.

 

I'm confused...is this about your current guy? So you think you are settling if the guy is desperate to be with you?

RoseWater Established Member

RoseWater

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I feel like people in this thread are pretending to not know what being able to do better is.

 

To give an example, if Michelle Obama began dating Lil Wayne I think many of us would feel Michelle could do better because she is a lot better educated than Wayne, a lot more physically attractive, seems to be a nicer person, doesn't have a criminal record, is way more articulate etc. She's even lots taller than him. It would seem an unbalanced match.

 

When one person in a relationship has loads of the traits society values (this could be anything from good looks to huge wealth to an incredibly successful career or an Ivy League degree or a great, magnetic personality) and the other person has few or none of the traits that are highly valued, then of course a relationship might feel unbalanced.

 

It's not realistic to expect people to be completely oblivious to their 'social currency.'

Edited by RoseWater
J21 Established Member

J21

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If you're unhappy then just gracefully bow out.

 

None of that "I can do better" rationale because: 1) the grass will always look greener elsewhere 2) CAN you actually get to the greener side.

 

Just because you think you can do better doesn't necessarily make it so.

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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I feel like people in this thread are pretending to not know what being able to do better is.

 

To give an example, if Michelle Obama began dating Lil Wayne I think many of us would feel Michelle could do better because she is a lot better educated than Wayne, a lot more physically attractive, seems to be a nicer person, doesn't have a criminal record, is way more articulate etc. She's even lots taller than him. It would seem an unbalanced match.

 

When one person in a relationship has loads of the traits society values (this could be anything from good looks to huge wealth to an incredibly successful career or an Ivy League degree or a great, magnetic personality) and the other person has few or none of the traits that are highly valued, then of course a relationship might feel unbalanced.

 

It's not realistic to expect people to be completely oblivious to their 'social currency.'

 

The OP asked if a relationship could work out if YOU felt you could do better, NOT if *society* felt you could do better.

 

If Michelle Obama fell in love with Lil Wayne, while *society* might deem that a bit unusual, if SHE felt he was a good fit for her, emotionally, mentally and physically, then who the eff gives a crap what *society* thinks?

 

Society isn't dating him, SHE is!

 

I agree with Gaeta.

 

When I hear a woman (or man) say they've *settled* ....it's usually followed by "I am not totally in love, but he/she and I are compatible and get along well."

 

Nothing at all to do with their financial status of looks, unless they are completely shallow.

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RoseWater Established Member

RoseWater

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A qualified attorney with 20 years experience in the job could take a job as a junior law clerk. But he'd know he was capable of better.

Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

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If you're so busy thinking about what you don't have, including the person or kind of relationship you want, then you're not fully present in which case nothing will ever work.

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newmoon Established Member

newmoon

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this is arrogance to a certain extent, right? thinking you are in some way better than the person you are with, or capable of finding something significantly more fulfilling? it's GIGS, and it doesn't always work out.... but people keep trying.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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A qualified attorney with 20 years experience in the job could take a job as a junior law clerk. But he'd know he was capable of better.

 

I agree but the thread is not about feeling you could do better or settling in your career choice, but feeling you could do better in your choice of romantic partner.

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kpl Established Member

kpl

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I agree but the thread is not about feeling you could do better or settling in your career choice, but feeling you could do better in your choice of romantic partner.

 

I agree. I feel like I've dated so many ppl and it took me so long to realize a lot of lessons. One lesson was physical / surface level stuff doesn't matter when you have the same values that's what makes a relationship last. I only feel I'm settling now if I am dating someone who does not share my values.

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deadelvis Established Member

deadelvis

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I feel like people in this thread are pretending to not know what being able to do better is.

 

To give an example, if Michelle Obama began dating Lil Wayne I think many of us would feel Michelle could do better because she is a lot better educated than Wayne, a lot more physically attractive, seems to be a nicer person, doesn't have a criminal record, is way more articulate etc. She's even lots taller than him. It would seem an unbalanced match.

 

When one person in a relationship has loads of the traits society values (this could be anything from good looks to huge wealth to an incredibly successful career or an Ivy League degree or a great, magnetic personality) and the other person has few or none of the traits that are highly valued, then of course a relationship might feel unbalanced.

 

It's not realistic to expect people to be completely oblivious to their 'social currency.'

 

I wouldn't touch Michelle Obama with Lil Wayne's penis...

  • Like 1
deadelvis Established Member

deadelvis

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To be serious though... If you feel like you are settling, that feeling will never go away and you'll end up with a serious case of GIGS. It has to feel like you both "can't believe how lucky I am" or it will end badly.

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GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

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That would be an awful way to feel in a relationship. Sure superficially you can always find someone better looking, richer etc. But I couldn't imagine being with someone and really feeling like I was settling, I think I'd have to move on at that point.

Vintage79 Established Member

Vintage79

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It can work, but why would you want it to? If you don't fully respect the person, it's not going to be a good situation for either party...if you're in that situation, stop wasting everyone's time.

Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

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If you are in a relationship where you feel you are settling and know that you have done better and could do better, can the relationship work out?

 

Okay OP, I have to ask...are you having doubts about your "4"?

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craw Established Member

craw

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It can workout, but its probably you doing most of the compromising.

 

What do you mean by workout? Are you asking if you will evetually feel satisfied?

autumnnight Established Member

autumnnight

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Honestly, if someone who was dating me was wondering whether they could do better....I sure hope someone would tell me.

 

I don't need that kind of condescension in my life.

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SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

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You could make it work, but you won't be happy. There is a bigger risk of you cheating on your partner when/if you meet someone "better." It's also not fair to your partner. Everyone deserves to be with someone who feels crazy about them.

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Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

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I agree. I feel like I've dated so many ppl and it took me so long to realize a lot of lessons. One lesson was physical / surface level stuff doesn't matter when you have the same values that's what makes a relationship last. I only feel I'm settling now if I am dating someone who does not share my values.

 

This... plus I also feel I'm settling if both of us don't have both feet in the relationship. Relationships are 100:100.

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