HannahLS Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 (edited) Hi all, I’m new to this forum, just looking for some advice as I’m currently going through a horrible situation, hoping someone might have had similar experiences. I met a guy online nearly a year ago. I fell totally head over heels in love, like never before. Sadly he lived on the other side of the world so our communication was mainly phone, video calling, texting. But he was everything I wanted. We made plans, we talked about the future, he even talked about marriage. Then bang! Things start to unravel, I found out he was reconciling with his estranged wife, and going to counselling, I tried to walk away but he begged me to stay and I stupidly fell for it and kept falling more and more in love (he kept implying the counselling was a waste of time & things wouldn't work out). He lied constantly about stupid things & again I stupidly over looked it. I have now found out he has done this multiple times with other women (I think he basically scours social networks). It’s ripped me to bits. So much so I’ve had to see a counsellor. Partly due to the fact when he lied he used to imply I was the crazy one. So I now know he’s a lying, narcissistic, cheat, with a whole list of personality disorders I can’t even begin to start. He’s abusive, rude & arrogant when caught. So basically he’s a vile human being. HOWEVER, I can’t seem to pull away and still constantly try to contact him even though he’s said it’s over. I feel like a complete and utter fool with some weird addiction. This is the first time I’ve met someone online, the first time I let my guard down, the first time I fell in love this deeply this quickly and the first time I have ever experienced a man being so cruel. Luckily my ex’s have all been pretty decent men. I'm an extremely strong woman and have been my whole life, but this has reduced me to a mess! I’d love a view point or any words anyone has. Edited October 13, 2015 by HannahLS
Hope87 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 (edited) Hi all, I’m new to this forum, just looking for some advice as I’m currently going through a horrible situation, hoping someone might have had similar experiences. I met a guy online nearly a year ago. I fell totally head over heels in love, like never before. Sadly he lived on the other side of the world so our communication was mainly phone, video calling, texting. But he was everything I wanted. We made plans, we talked about the future, he even talked about marriage. Then bang! Things start to unravel, I found out he was reconciling with his estranged wife, and going to counselling, I tried to walk away but he begged me to stay and I stupidly fell for it and kept falling more and more in love (he kept implying the counselling was a waste of time & things wouldn't work out). He lied constantly about stupid things & again I stupidly over looked it. I have now found out he has done this multiple times with other women (I think he basically scours social networks). It’s ripped me to bits. So much so I’ve had to see a counsellor. Partly due to the fact when he lied he used to imply I was the crazy one. So I now know he’s a lying, narcissistic, cheat, with a whole list of personality disorders I can’t even begin to start. He’s abusive, rude & arrogant when caught. So basically he’s a vile human being. HOWEVER, I can’t seem to pull away and still constantly try to contact him even though he’s said it’s over. I feel like a complete and utter fool with some weird addiction. This is the first time I’ve met someone online, the first time I let my guard down, the first time I fell in love this deeply this quickly and the first time I have ever experienced a man being so cruel. Luckily my ex’s have all been pretty decent men. I'm an extremely strong woman and have been my whole life, but this has reduced me to a mess! I’d love a view point or any words anyone has. Hi Hannah, I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. It's not unusual to meet scam/ con artists over the Internet and anyone is capable of falling for such people. Stay strong and take comfort in the fact that you feel in love with the IDEA of who he was, rather than the actual individual. The real person behind that facade, as you now know, is someone you will never find joy and happiness with. You've lost nothing at all, and you're merely addicted to the idealistic persona you fell in love with- which is/ was simply a mirage. He is totally scum and I feel sorry for anyone who gets involved with him, including his wife. Be glad that you're out of that mess and can now focus on moving on and meeting a decent, honorable man. You must also go NC as difficult as it may be. In a sense, the compulsion to contact him is similar to a druggie craving a "fix". It's a very strong pull which you must resist. You will be fine, you just have to implement NC as soon as possible. In a few months, this you'll look back and thank your stars. It's also a good idea to avoid getting involved with separated men because you never know what to expect with them. They're still technically married and so can decide to reconcile with spouses at any given point in time. But look, it's not your fault and you've done absolutely nothing wrong, you merely fell for a scam artist. Even the strongest of people have fallen prey to same. Very best wishes and keep posting. Edited October 13, 2015 by Hope87
Author HannahLS Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 Thank you for replying. Your words make a lot of sense. I know I need to go full NC to stop the pain but I'm struggling big time. I don't even know what I want from him, even if he apologised profusely would I ever want to be with a scumbag like that. No. This is where it's hard, I know he's an abusive cheating loser in my head, but my heart, that's another story. Agin thanks for your words of advice. Time to be strong.
d0nnivain Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 You were in love with the ideal of who he was representing himself to be -- a good guy with whom you could have a future. You have to accept that is not reality & he's a a lying, narcissistic, cheat, with a whole list of personality disorders I can’t even begin to start. He’s abusive, rude & arrogant to quote you. 2
Hope87 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 Thank you for replying. Your words make a lot of sense. I know I need to go full NC to stop the pain but I'm struggling big time. I don't even know what I want from him, even if he apologised profusely would I ever want to be with a scumbag like that. No. This is where it's hard, I know he's an abusive cheating loser in my head, but my heart, that's another story. Agin thanks for your words of advice. Time to be strong. When your head and your heart conflict, extremely painful when this happens. Right now, you're going again your natural instincts and desires by going NC. It requires an enormous amount of self discipline and it's extremely difficult, but ultimately the best thing. I think, as with most dumpees, that what you're seeking is validation from him. Even though you know within your heart that he isn't a good person capable of having a loving and committed relationship with you, you still crave his love, affection and in essence validation from him. You're also addicted to him, and as time goes by, you'll find yourself being weaned off him. It's extremely difficult, we've been all been there but you must believe and understand that this is very temporary. The pain, the dejection, the confusion, sadness, frustration and sheer feeling of being overwhelmed will fade and you will emerge a better and stronger person. Also, your moods may fluctuate and this is natural. You might miss him terribly one day and the next minute resent him so much. Key thing is to try to ride with the waves of emotions which will surely subside and normalise with time. How long were you involved with him for? 2
Author HannahLS Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 (edited) It was 11 months. The whole relationship was odd. He constantly made excuses & lied. I knew things didn't add up but his words said other things. He came out with a lot of bold statements like 'I want to spend my life with you' 'I've never had feelings this strong for anyone' & I fell for it. This again has left me feeling stupid. I tried to pull away a few times and he begged me to stay, he even cried. So I gave in because I loved him & stuck around thinking things would get better. I fell more & more in love then all of a sudden he decides he's done & thats it. He definitely has sociopathic & schizophrenic tendencies (his lying was unimaginable). I should've walked away the minute he said he was 'working' on his marriage but I got the classic 'I don't love her, I love you'. He was extremely clever & manipulative. He made me feel crazy when I questioned anything or raised things that made me suspicious, & demanding for wanting to communicate when I wanted to. Hence why my head is currently messed up. I am also full of anger at the fact he's done this before & will quite definitely do it again. I don't want another woman to get sucked in & used. It's just not fair people get away with this stuff!! Edited October 13, 2015 by HannahLS
Author HannahLS Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 You were in love with the ideal of who he was representing himself to be -- a good guy with whom you could have a future. You have to accept that is not reality & he's a to quote you. I know. This is part of my problem. I know what is wrong, what I'm still doing wrong but can't seem to step back. It's so frustrating!!
Author HannahLS Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 Did you ever actually meet him face to face? No, we originally planned our first visit in March/April and obviously once I found out about the wife we out it off. Then we planned again and it didn't work out. Then again and that's when we started to argue. I think the horrible thing is he pushed the relationship from the start, he was the first to talk about visiting the first to say I love you, and I got totally swept off my feet. Part of me feels like I wish we'd met because if I'd actually been in his company without the barrier of a phone screen I may have seen the real him earlier
perol Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 You never met him. He was not REAL. Nothing was real. Keep telling yourself this until you get it. You'll heal faster. And you won't do this again. Happened to me once. I was new to the online dating game. We chatted for months, fell for her, was making plans to visit. But she "didn't know how to upload a picture". I said before I make the trip I need to see what you look like. Even though she described herself as hot and stunning and always fending off guys when she goes out. So she supposedly got someone to help her. I found myself staring at this beastly creature who I could never be attracted to. The whole thing dashed to pieces like a china plate dropped on a hard ceramic floor. Really gave me a reality check. As it has done to you. 2
Hope87 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 (edited) No, we originally planned our first visit in March/April and obviously once I found out about the wife we out it off. Then we planned again and it didn't work out. Then again and that's when we started to argue. I think the horrible thing is he pushed the relationship from the start, he was the first to talk about visiting the first to say I love you, and I got totally swept off my feet. Part of me feels like I wish we'd met because if I'd actually been in his company without the barrier of a phone screen I may have seen the real him earlier In hindsight, it's a very good thing you didn't meet him in person. Could have ended up being far more disastrous! You dodged a bullet!! He could easily have deceived you in person, with his charms and you'd probably have been more smitten. Also, if you had seen him, you very well might have had sex with him and would undoubtedly have felt much worse than you do now. I know the feelings seem just as real as they might have had you met in person because you've established a connection etc but you must remind yourself always that this guy wasn't real ie who he demonstrated or represented himself to be. He sounds like he actually has a mental or psychological disorder of some sort. You will be fine, I'm 100% certain. When ever you miss his companionship and feel.the urge to contact him, post here instead. Stay strong! Xx Edited October 14, 2015 by Hope87 1
sandylee1 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Did you see a picture of him? There are lots of people who do this as a game? They are fakes. He could have been married without estrangement all the time. He may never have been married at all and made up that excuse so as not to meet you. There are lots of catfish out there. I advise against LDRs that you aren't going to meet the person anytime soon. Block, delete and be done with him. It was just a game and now you are in shreds. He isn't worth it. 2
Author HannahLS Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 Did you see a picture of him? There are lots of people who do this as a game? They are fakes. He could have been married without estrangement all the time. He may never have been married at all and made up that excuse so as not to meet you. There are lots of catfish out there. I advise against LDRs that you aren't going to meet the person anytime soon. Block, delete and be done with him. It was just a game and now you are in shreds. He isn't worth it. I did more than see a picture. We basically met on Vine a video social network, we video chatted a lot & constantly sent pictures to each other. I even went as far as checking his address etc (not in a weird way, just a cautious way) as I know things like this can happen. I'm slowly coming to terms with the loss of losing a man i loved and realising it was probably all an act. I'm now left with a lot of questions that will probably never be answered, I guess that's just something else I will have to accept.
Maggie4 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 You lost big at the table and now you can't walk away. Often the strong women cannot accept defeat. Understand that you don't even like him, you despise him. But you invested so much, you are angry and that's why you cannot let go. Yes, he's twisted, and you were duped, but when you invested so much in someone you never met, you did yourself wrong. Put away the anger. If you're angry with yourself then learn from it. Anyway it's a lost cause, and love has very little to do with it now. 1
sandylee1 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I'm slowly coming to terms with the loss of losing a man i loved and realising it was probably all an act. I'm now left with a lot of questions that will probably never be answered, I guess that's just something else I will have to accept. I was going to say that you kiss a lot of frogs to get to your prince , but he's way worse than a frog....He's a snake. Thank God that you're not his wife, who is probably unaware of what a low down deceptive man she's married. You've had a lucky escape....be grateful you didn't get more entangled with him and that it wasn't physical. He's a sad pathetic loser. 1
Author HannahLS Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 Thanks to everyone for your replies & advice. Everything everyone has said makes sense and deep down I know you're all right. Just got to get it into my brain now. I guess healing takes time. Just a shame life lessons are this hard to learn, as is the realisation there are some utter scumbags in the world.
StBreton Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 It was 11 months. The whole relationship was odd. He constantly made excuses & lied. I knew things didn't add up but his words said other things. He came out with a lot of bold statements like 'I want to spend my life with you' 'I've never had feelings this strong for anyone' & I fell for it. This again has left me feeling stupid. I tried to pull away a few times and he begged me to stay, he even cried. So I gave in because I loved him & stuck around thinking things would get better. I fell more & more in love then all of a sudden he decides he's done & thats it. He definitely has sociopathic & schizophrenic tendencies (his lying was unimaginable). I should've walked away the minute he said he was 'working' on his marriage but I got the classic 'I don't love her, I love you'. He was extremely clever & manipulative. He made me feel crazy when I questioned anything or raised things that made me suspicious, & demanding for wanting to communicate when I wanted to. Hence why my head is currently messed up. I am also full of anger at the fact he's done this before & will quite definitely do it again. I don't want another woman to get sucked in & used. It's just not fair people get away with this stuff!! Just be thankful you didn't send him a bunch of money. Not sure if this guy is one of those. It'll take months to heal ...but nothing is real till you meet. Sorry your heart and mind are reeling from this.
healingsoul Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 Please know this is very common. It makes me think of the TV show Catfish where they investigate online relationships with people because so many of them are not real or people pretend to be who they are not. I am very sorry for your emotional pain that you are having to go through because you were being lied to and tricked. I know it will be hard making the change. Have you thought about trying to focus on yourself and needs/wants that you have so that you can fulfill emotional and mental parts of your life to help you move forward? It is always healthy allowing yourself time to self-evaluate and to become more of the person you were created to be. Do you think talking with a counselor could help you to see how you were able to be pulled into this relationship even after you started to get a hint that he was not being fully true with you? Hang in there. As you said you are a strong woman and invest in ways to keep you positive.
Miss Peach Posted October 15, 2015 Posted October 15, 2015 This is why I like to move offline quickly and I don't consider myself knowing someone until we spend time IRL. In additional to counseling, I recommend checking out anything written by Natalie Lue. She has a ton of free articles online you should be able to find by a quick search as well as some books about unavailability, trust, fantasy relationships, etc.
Recommended Posts