GunMetal Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 Hi guys, so I've just joined here because I'm really struggling at the moment. Basically I had been seeing a guy who I just had the best relationship with ( I know it sounds like a cliche but it is actually true). We had so much in common and went on weekends away and concerts and were planning future things to do. All the time there was never any pressure on putting a label on anything, we were just happy getting to know each other. We spoke on the phone for hours every day if we weren't seeing each other and we really opened up to each other which is a massive thing for me, which he knew. We had discussed that we weren't dating other people which I made clear was important for me before we became more intimate. So we went to a concert on Friday, had a great time. He had booked us a hotel for the night so we didn't have to drive home. We went out for lunch the next day. He was acting perfectly normal, very affectionate as always, kissing and holding my hand. We chatted via whatsapp for the rest of that day after we parted, and we were planning on doing something Monday night. Sunday we were still chatting absolutely fine. Then Sunday evening, pretty much an hour after the last "normal" message I got from him. I get another message saying that he was scared about how fast things were going and that we should slow things down and just see what happens. I said I was confused as to what had changed and he said there was nothing. I made it clear to him that I had not asked for a big commitment and I was happy with us having fun and getting to know each other. No response. Fast forward to yesterday. He is still ignoring me and has actually blocked me from his Facebook, although it appears I'm not blocked on whatsapp. I'm so confused and I can't believe how fast I've gone from being so happy and feeling everything was good to feeling completely devastated. I have had other longer relationships that I have handled the end of well but this guy was something special and I'm really struggling to cope. I suppose I am looking for some understanding and if this has happened to anyone else? Please don't just tell me to "move on". I'm not looking for advice like that, I'm 27 I know all that. Many thanks Jen
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 What dating history does he have? I'm not concerned with the number of partners, just the intensity of his relationships? Did he get burned? Has he bailed on someone 'serious' before? sounds a bit like a 'commitment-phobe' but it's hard to know without knowing him or his history, see...? He's taking the coward's way out by ghosting you. So your best bet is to fall off his radar, and just wait. If he has any decency he will get back in touch, but even then, I'm not sure, in your shoes, I'd trust his motives or explanation. If he has experienced this kind of thing before, the problem is evidently his, and it seems he's emotionally incapable of sustaining and growing.... (Mind you, I'm about 30 years older than you. I have formed more 'set' opinions of men who do this.... so you may want to wait for advice from people more your age....)
Author GunMetal Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 Thank you for your reply Tara. I think your post does make sense and is probably relevant to guys my age aswell. I don't actually know his relationship history. It was something we kinda said we would talk about but we never did. I've never been very good at asking the initial question as I have a bit of a fear of what it would bring up. Unfortunately it would have actually been useful and maybe I'd understand even a little bit, compared to feeling absolutely lost and clueless as I do now. I feel in shock more than anything. I was so excited about future plans we had and I just can't fathom how things have dramatically changed to this.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 Sometimes, asking the 'why' question, when the pertinent person cannot or will not respond, can drive us batsczhytt crazy. The only thing you can tell yourself is that he got cold feet. You don't say how old he is, but I shouldn't think his age is vastly different to yours. His blocking you is hiding his head in the sand and refusing to address the issue. "If I don't see you, then you can't get to me." Well go AWOL on him. Don't necessarily block him, but don't stalk him or check up on what he's doing. I suspect, left to his own devices, he will do one of two things: ONE: he will wonder about you, leave it a "decent" period, then tentatively dip his toe in the water to see whether you want to talk.... TWO: He will go on a mad, wild, dating spree and put himself out there to just hook up with random women to assuage his own guilt and insecurity, and convince himself there's nothing wrong with HIS pulling power..... The old cliche "you dodged a bullet" may well mean nothing to you right now, and bring little comfort. But if he's capable of flaking like this, then maybe you ARE better off without him. Oh damn, one question.... did you guys have sex in the cosy little hotel room he booked...? Because (if that was the first time you had sex) you know what another possibility is, now, don't you?
Author GunMetal Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 I do feel like I'm going crazy with all the "why's?" He is 27 aswell. We were intimate in the hotel but that was not the first time. Of course there's always that worry that they're just after one thing which is why I didn't rush into things and after the first time things were as great as ever, which reassured me that it wasn't just about that. I feel so weak for letting this get to me so much.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 No, you're not weak. You committed. You were serious. He completely pulled the rug from under your feet. Now, whether it was false pretenses, or just his own inability to be honest with you, I can't say. You know him better than I. That said, he obviously blindsided you with this. I can't say what must have gone through his mind between sunday afternoon and sunday evening, but perhaps he was already cautious and nervous, but just hid it very well. Who knows? It's all damn guesswork, that's the trouble... Really, you're spinning yourself into a tizz trying to work out the why and wherefore of his frankly spineless actions. There's a bit of you that should hold him in contempt for the way he treated you. I really would look at his behaviour as lacking respect. That's just not a nice trait.
chapter44 Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 At this point I would take a step back and not make myself to available to him. If he is truly interested he will come around. He may just be questioning stuff about himself at the moment. I know it may appear as I am suggesting game playing but some men may find a challenge very appealing. So I would make him work for your attention now.
Author GunMetal Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 Thank you guys. I really appreciate your advice and it's nice to know that I have someone I can talk to on here. Like many people, I feel like I don't want to keep going over it with my friends. I feel like they're probably just gonna get sick of hearing about it, although logically i suppose that's not true. I need to try get out of the cycle of trying to figure this out. I suppose it's the old saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! I just need to get my emotions in check. My auntie had mentioned what I would be doing on my day off next Monday, which has set me off in tears as I was supposed to be spending the day with this guy. 1
JADIE Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 GunMetal, I'm with you in a similar situation...being ghosted pretty much...fine one afternoon and then a few hours later, radio silence. (And this is not a new relationship, I'm talking 5 yrs!) No argument, no other people involved...we've wavered before when he'd pull back emotionally but I was always confident he'd come round when he felt better, and he always has. Til now. This feels different and I am just sick over it. So I get the worry about overloading your friends with your anxious thoughts and feeling like your mind is going in circles, trying to pinpoint what on God's green earth could have caused this to hit you like a Mack truck out of nowhere. But Chapter44 is correct, we HAVE to rein it in and play it cool, get occupied with other things (thank goodness my 2yo grandson is staying with me temporarily!) and generally pigeonhole the crazy thoughts til we are more in control of our shaky emotions. I start planning my day the night before now, making a list of what I want to get done, and focus on just those things, redirecting myself back to my list when my thoughts start getting out of hand. It's so damn hard not to do anything about the relationship when you're a born "fixer"...the urge to get down to the bottom of it and FIX whatever's wrong is a heck of a strong force to fight! 1
Confusioncreepsin Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 I can't stress this enough....he is an ass to act this way. He may be interested in someone else, he may be scared, he may be overwhelmed. In all these situations, he could just back away from it all and take a breather...but his behavior should give you concern even if he does come back. When you love someone, you respect them and ***should*** give them the reasons no matter how hard the discussion may be. This should be a huge red flag that it could happen again during your future happy times, and you will be more emotionally invested. Please think about that. Ironically, my concern is with him is something simple. Him blocking you on Facebook. Simple action but a DECISION that is obvious to you in any regard. It's a statement, I don't want you to see what is going on OR I don't want you to communicate with me. Either way, this very simple thing means to me that he is hiding something.... Remain silent...do not contact him no matter how hard it is. Take this time to really really think, no matter how wonderful it was, can you trust that this will not happen again later on when you are more invested in him?
Author GunMetal Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 Thanks for the messages guys and I'm really sorry to hear you're going through something similar Jadie. I sort of got more of an answer last night but still nothing that made massive sense. For my own sanity I needed to try make some sort of sense to it so I rang him. Although I actually withheld my number and he answered. The conversation started pretty normally which I wasn't expecting. Claimed he was busy with work..also claimed he hadn't blocked me on Facebook which is obvious BS unless he has some pyscho ex that did it instead! Anyway, he claimed he would ring me later after he got finished with work. I knew he wouldn't. I left it a few hours and sent one last message just saying that if he truly was stressed then don't ring me as I didn't want to add to it. But that I needed an answer to what is happening and that I wanted him to be honest if there was someone else or some other reason other than he got freaked out. He replied with "I'm sorry,I like you but I'm not sure I'm in the right place mentally to see you at the moment x" I just replied and said I wanted to be there for him because I felt like we make each other happy but I understand and will give him space. So that's that. No more contact from me and I know after all these red flags i shouldn't be hoping he contacts me but I am. I'm trying not to interpret what he said too much because I'll just start to drive myself crazy again with it. I still feel really upset and sick with it all and unfortunately I don't feel like I have much to distract myself with.
Author GunMetal Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 Just to add now, after i sent that last message! I've randomly received a Snapchat photo from him this morning! A total "WTF!?" moment and i feel like hes almost messing with my head now. I've ignored it but hope that's not going to continue. He can't have it both ways!
Hope87 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the messages guys and I'm really sorry to hear you're going through something similar Jadie. I sort of got more of an answer last night but still nothing that made massive sense. For my own sanity I needed to try make some sort of sense to it so I rang him. Although I actually withheld my number and he answered. The conversation started pretty normally which I wasn't expecting. Claimed he was busy with work..also claimed he hadn't blocked me on Facebook which is obvious BS unless he has some pyscho ex that did it instead! Anyway, he claimed he would ring me later after he got finished with work. I knew he wouldn't. I left it a few hours and sent one last message just saying that if he truly was stressed then don't ring me as I didn't want to add to it. But that I needed an answer to what is happening and that I wanted him to be honest if there was someone else or some other reason other than he got freaked out. He replied with "I'm sorry,I like you but I'm not sure I'm in the right place mentally to see you at the moment x" I just replied and said I wanted to be there for him because I felt like we make each other happy but I understand and will give him space. So that's that. No more contact from me and I know after all these red flags i shouldn't be hoping he contacts me but I am. I'm trying not to interpret what he said too much because I'll just start to drive myself crazy again with it. I still feel really upset and sick with it all and unfortunately I don't feel like I have much to distract myself with. I strongly recommend you read the book "Men who can't love, how to spot a commitment phobe before he breaks your heart" authored by Steven Carter. He essentially echos everything you've written in this thread, in more detail. These men pursue women with aggression and intensity then do a complete 180 and bail when they start to feel the relationship is developing and real commitment is required and usually when things seem to be going well! Their actions cause a lot of frustration, confusion and ultimately devastation to the women they're involved with. These people are terrified of and develop claustrophobic feelings when they find themselves presented with real intimacy. This can wreck a lot of havoc to a woman's emotions and she may even start doubting herself and questioning her sanity. These people crave love and intimacy but at the same time, are terrified of it and this phobia of commitment over rides any desire to establish a committed relationship. This fact is clearly reflected in their dating history. Their subconscious fear of closeness and intimacy leads them to DELIBERATELY sabotage good relationships. The key point you need to note here is that it has NOTHING to do with you. You can't "change" him, only he can make the decision to change and it requires a lot of self conviction, determination and sometimes therapy to do so. This is beyond you, don't take it personally. I don't know anything about his dating history so i cant make a conclusive determination but from what you've described, he seems to fit the bill. They can't commit to being with you, but they also can't commit to not being with you so sometimes they return, but there's really no change and their return simply sets up a a toxic cycle. I'm so sorry you encountered this fellow. I've been in your shoes, and I know how painful it van be. You need to tick this guy off and re-categorise him as "non- relationship material ". You deserve much better. Go NC and don't waste another minute trying to figure him our ( easier said than done I know). You can't figure him out, they're complex, conflicted and possibly damaged begins. You can't build and sustain a long term fluffing relationship with him Edited October 14, 2015 by Hope87
Hope87 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 (edited) Fulfilling * not fluffing *Beings* not begins. Edited October 14, 2015 by Hope87
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Just to add now, after i sent that last message! I've randomly received a Snapchat photo from him this morning! A total "WTF!?" moment and i feel like hes almost messing with my head now. I've ignored it but hope that's not going to continue. He can't have it both ways! No Contact - see my signature link. Block, delete, deny, do not respond, react, reply.
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