I want to visit my ex at work (I'm the dumpee)

[SThawk]

We spent 6 years together. We only fought when it came to her substance abuse problem (I know red flag). At the same time it wore me down of the person I was. I ended up being a shut in and let myself go.

 

It was a rough breakup for me, I thought we would get married etc, but substances seemed to be more important than me.

 

Anyway it's been over a year since we split up. She's had boyfriends since. I've lost a lot weight, hit the gym everyday, I look and feel better than before we met. I've dated girls since her. Not to brag I'm good looking guy and have a personality, but I just have a thing for her. I haven't talked to her 7 months and haven't seen her in 9.

 

So this is the thing. I kind of miss her. Honestly, would I want her back? Meh, that's a toss up. I just don't know what her life style is like. That's what would be the determining factor. I still love her even though she broke my heart, but am I in love with her? No probably not.

 

I would like to see if how interaction goes, I don't know if I will put her in a bad place if I just show up or will it give her the chance to talk to me.

 

I just kinda want to see what happens. I'm just not sure if it's a good idea. I may end up getting get all sorts of mixed feelings inside, but I can't stop thinking about it.

[Truth34]

There will be 20 people telling you dont do it to the one pwrson saying go for it. And those 20 are most likely correct. But you live once, you seem like you dont have much to lose so screw it, why not?

 

It would be a different story if you were still grieving or emotionally vested, but even though you still have thoughts of her you have moved on. Thus you have no image to defend or hope to cling to. Do it.

[jen1447]

Bad idea.

 

...

[Lilac Love]

Terrible idea.

[SThawk]

You didn't know the real version of her since she has a substance problem.

 

You knew the altered version of her.

 

Why would you want that altered version of her?

 

See a counselor to find out why you would consider it an option for yourself. It will help you make better choices in your future - and to never settle.

 

This is something that's incredibly true. It is something I think about. I also wonder if she has been seeking help. I did spend 6 years with her besides the relationship she was my friend.

Edited October 12, 2015 by SThawk

[SThawk]

Just to add.....

 

I'm not looking to "get back together" but maybe just keep in touch.

 

Text / Phone seems so impersonal.

[Lilac Love]

Just to add.....

 

I'm not looking to "get back together" but maybe just keep in touch.

 

Text / Phone seems so impersonal.

 

It seems impersonal, but it's not.

 

In your original post, you mentioned feeling and looking better than before you met her. Are you secretly hoping to impress her with that?

 

Keeping in touch will likely prolong the pain for you.

 

Distance and silence helps YOU to move forward.

 

She may NEVER change - I hope you think it's not useful being involved with a druggy. You don't really know her at all.

 

Well said.

[BC1980]

Don't visit her at work. That is such a bad idea, and it's really rude to be honest. She will likely feel annoyed and ambushed, which will drive her further away. She might be trying to move on and keep NC, and showing up at her workplace, unannounced, will really upset her.

 

If you want to reach out to her, at least call her first to see if she is up to meeting face to face. She at least deserves to decide if she wants to see you face to face before your force it upon her. And if you are actually looking to have a substantive conversation with her, work would be a terrible place for that.

 

Do you only want to force her to see you face to face because you've lost weight?

[SThawk]

Don't visit her at work. That is such a bad idea, and it's really rude to be honest. She will likely feel annoyed and ambushed, which will drive her further away. She might be trying to move on and keep NC, and showing up at her workplace, unannounced, will really upset her.

 

If you want to reach out to her, at least call her first to see if she is up to meeting face to face. She at least deserves to decide if she wants to see you face to face before your force it upon her. And if you are actually looking to have a substantive conversation with her, work would be a terrible place for that.

 

Do you only want to force her to see you face to face because you've lost weight?

 

Nah, it's the only way I know how to contact her. She works at a very very very relaxed work environment. It's not uncommon for people to just hang out. I'm not looking to have a "deep" conversation with her. Just a hello, and see how it goes.

 

Remember she left me. I was the heart broken one. The weight loss and the 12 months I've worked on myself has made me look at the situation a lot differently because I was able to focus on myself. I just feel I can actually talk to her again without being emotionally invested. If I push her away why does it matter? I haven't talked to her in 7 months as is. I'm really don't want to rehash the past.

 

My selfish part of it is that I want to see her eyes when she sees me. Hell I just may walk away if her body language speaks differently.

 

I wasn't the bad guy when we broke up, her words and actions showed me that.

[thejabberwocky]

Harassing someone at their work is completely inappropriate - regardless of the situation. If you want to meet up with her, call her and plan a time. Do not ambush her.

 

However, we pretty much have the same story. Together 6 years, split because of his drug problem. And I would advise you that she is not better, not going to get better, and meeting up or talking to her is just going to get you sucked right back into the cycle.

 

If she was better, you would have known about it.

[SThawk]

You keep telling us how you don't care that much - but showing up to see her would send the opposite message.

 

 

My work place is relaxed - but if an ex showed up I'd be saying "what the heck are you here for"? It would creep me out. I break up with people for a reason - part of that reason is I don't want to see them again.

 

 

Start dating available women.

 

I don't care about a "relationship". I do care about her as a person. If she would've said something after we broke up like "I never want to see you again" then I wouldn't even be contemplating this. After we split and the last time we saw each other (4 months after the breakup) she came to my house and we had dinner and talked, and genuinely had a nice time.

 

You having an ex show up may be that way, but I've had exes show up at my work after we split and it was a nice visit even when I was the one that called off the relationship and we're actually friends that talk from time to time. So not everything is so cynical after a breakup. I want to believe it's the same way.

 

Also noted I use to work at the same place 5 years ago I have a lot of mutual co-worker friends that keep asking me to come up there, I just know I will see her as well. So if I'm going to go I wanted to see her as well.

 

Start dating available women? I have been. Right now I'm not currently seeing anyone so I figured not to cause any conflict of interest with anyone I was seeing now would be a reasonable time for that to happen. Me dating other woman has made me feel the way I do. I actually like being single to an extent right now. Friends are good til I find the one that works for me.

Edited October 12, 2015 by SThawk

[SThawk]

 

If she was better, you would have known about it.

 

How would somebody find something like that out?

[Blanco]

So you've made improvements since the breakup. Congratulations. The bigger question is: Has she?

 

You can look like freaking Clark Gable and it won't mean a darn thing if she's not clean and sober.

[SThawk]

So you've made improvements since the breakup. Congratulations. The bigger question is: Has she?

 

You can look like freaking Clark Gable and it won't mean a darn thing if she's not clean and sober.

 

Well, the part of me that made improvements took time, and during that time I spent a lot of time thinking to myself understanding, contemplating, organizing feelings and thoughts.

 

You're right she may not have changed, but I'll always care, and doesn't make them a bad person.

 

I maybe shouldn't have said that I did good for myself, I just always see the common post on here. "focus on yourself" "get in shape" etc. I just wanted to get that out of the way before the posts started coming in like that.

[Blanco]

Those recommendations are made in part to give you something to focus on other than your ex in the immediate aftermath of the breakup.

 

I doubt she's a bad person, but that doesn't erase the fact that substance abuse is a wholly toxic activity. Until she clears that up, she will be a hazard to anyone close to her.

 

My take on this is that it sounds like you've worked hard to improve your life since the breakup. Getting involved with her again, even as "friends," would be counterproductive to you at this time. I don't think you're being honest with yourself. You aren't totally over her. Until you can say without hesitation that you don't want to be with her and have no romantic feelings of any kind toward her, you should remain a void in her life.

[Meli22]

If you don't want her back then why would you go out of your way to go visit her at work? Is it to show off your new look? I'm sorry but I just don't see what your intentions are. If my ex showed up at my work just because, I'd find it creepy and weird. Be honest with yourself.

[BC1980]

Nah, it's the only way I know how to contact her. She works at a very very very relaxed work environment. It's not uncommon for people to just hang out. I'm not looking to have a "deep" conversation with her. Just a hello, and see how it goes.

 

Remember she left me. I was the heart broken one. The weight loss and the 12 months I've worked on myself has made me look at the situation a lot differently because I was able to focus on myself. I just feel I can actually talk to her again without being emotionally invested. If I push her away why does it matter? I haven't talked to her in 7 months as is. I'm really don't want to rehash the past.

 

My selfish part of it is that I want to see her eyes when she sees me. Hell I just may walk away if her body language speaks differently.

 

I wasn't the bad guy when we broke up, her words and actions showed me that.

 

Why do you have no other way to contact her? What about phone, email, social media? Why are those avenues unavailable?

 

See. . . . I think the biggest part of this is that you want to make sure she sees you in person, so she can see that you've lost weight. I think you want to show up unannounced because if you talk face to face, she might turn you down for a meetup.

 

So since she was the "bad guy," why would you want to invest in her? Shouldn't she be one to reach out and make amends?

[BC1980]

You're right she may not have changed, but I'll always care, and doesn't make them a bad person.

 

No, she's probably not a bad person, and, yes, you might always care on some level. That makes you human, but it's still not a reason to reestablish any type of relationship, platonic or otherwise.

[SThawk]

Why do you have no other way to contact her? What about phone, email, social media? Why are those avenues unavailable?

 

See. . . . I think the biggest part of this is that you want to make sure she sees you in person, so she can see that you've lost weight. I think you want to show up unannounced because if you talk face to face, she might turn you down for a meetup.

 

So since she was the "bad guy," why would you want to invest in her? Shouldn't she be one to reach out and make amends?

 

I don't think she was a bad guy, just troubled. There is probably a bit of shame. One of the things she cried to me about after the breakup (3 months later) was "I don't even know why you loved me."

 

She doesn't use Social media, she got a new phone number after we split because I stopped paying for her phone. We never emailed each other before so no idea what her email address is. I figured it's a lot better than showing up at her house. Not to mention I still have other friends at her work that constantly ask me to come up. They've been awesome too since they don't even talk about her to me and me to her. I've told them I don't want to know unless it comes from her.

 

 

Yes, I want her to see me because truth comes from the eyes. Yes I want her to see me with my chin up and in a good mood, but not to rub anything in but just to be me. The me that cares about somebody and myself.

 

I went out of my way 11 years ago to see a friend I hadn't seen in 10 years because I was thinking about them, and we now have an amazing friendship. No reward without risk right? sorry I guess that's how I'm seeing it.

 

Maybe it's not a good idea, and yes I'm being selfish. I'd like to see her. Can I live my life I don't? Yes, can I continue moving forward if I do go see her? Of course.

 

I do have to say you all have put different thoughts in my head, I just weigh them against on what I know about her.

 

I'm not trying to poo poo everyone, some statements are very true, some seem bias because of cynicism. I know a lot of people have been burned here in the past so they assume that will always happen. It just may with me as well.

[Shock148]

Honestly thats weird. You dont want to be with her so I guess you want to just show off your new look and give a little "im doing better without you, cant you see?" type of vibe. A simple text would suffice, but you going out of your way to see her in person at her job can send her the wrong signal. I would say bad idea, don't do it. Talk to her first via text and if everything goes smoothly arrange to meet up and chill one day. Don't just randomly visit her after work she will be taken back and then what? If anything she might just chat with you for like 5 minutes and say well I got to go see ya.

[Blanco]

I don't think she was a bad guy, just troubled. There is probably a bit of shame. One of the things she cried to me about after the breakup (3 months later) was "I don't even know why you loved me."

 

"Bad guy" in this case simply meant the person who ended the relationship.

 

She doesn't use Social media, she got a new phone number after we split because I stopped paying for her phone. We never emailed each other before so no idea what her email address is. I figured it's a lot better than showing up at her house. Not to mention I still have other friends at her work that constantly ask me to come up. They've been awesome too since they don't even talk about her to me and me to her. I've told them I don't want to know unless it comes from her.

 

OK, so none of that matters if you have friends who work with her. Just ask one of them to tell your ex you'd like to see her.

 

Yes, I want her to see me because truth comes from the eyes. Yes I want her to see me with my chin up and in a good mood, but not to rub anything in but just to be me. The me that cares about somebody and myself.

 

But why? Have you heard rumblings that she thinks you're some sort of mess or something? I don't see what her seeing you doing well accomplishes other than to maybe make her think she's missing out now.

 

I went out of my way 11 years ago to see a friend I hadn't seen in 10 years because I was thinking about them, and we now have an amazing friendship. No reward without risk right? sorry I guess that's how I'm seeing it.

 

The difference here is that you probably didn't date this friend. Your history was as friends, not a couple. That's not the case here.

 

Maybe it's not a good idea, and yes I'm being selfish. I'd like to see her. Can I live my life I don't? Yes, can I continue moving forward if I do go see her? Of course.

 

Truthfully answer this: What do you stand to gain from seeing her? I can already tell you aren't in a place where you can really be friends with her. Why would you want to jeopardize the improvements you've made in your life since the breakup by bringing her back into it when you know you probably don't want her as a girlfriend, but know you probably don't just want to be friends.

 

I'm not trying to poo poo everyone, some statements are very true, some seem bias because of cynicism. I know a lot of people have been burned here in the past so they assume that will always happen. It just may with me as well.

 

I don't see any bias or cynicism. I think a lot of people are identifying that you aren't being honest with yourself. No one is giving you grief about that. It's just that if you can't be truthful with yourself about why you REALLY want to see her now, then it's not wise to re-enter her life. You aren't over her, and that's OK. But that just means you will only cause yourself more grief if you bring her back in before you're truly ready.

[SThawk]

Well, I haven't gone to see her yet, but was thinking about going this week.

 

Then yesterday I found out she's been looking me up on facebook. Gives me a bit more thought about doing it. I know FB doesn't mean much but she clearly is thinking about me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, showing up unannounced at her work is creepy as hell. Such an awful, awful, awful, awful idea. That's obtrusive as hell. Please don't be that guy.

[dumbass2]

Well, I haven't gone to see her yet, but was thinking about going this week.

 

Then yesterday I found out she's been looking me up on facebook. Gives me a bit more thought about doing it. I know FB doesn't mean much but she clearly is thinking about me.

 

Do not show up at her work unannounced.

 

If you both are on Facebook and you must contact her, do it through there and not by forcing yourself upon her by going to her work. Showing up unannounced would be extremely risky and if you ever had a chance of friendship or otherwise, that would probably end all chance.

[MovingOnIsHard]

Oh dear.... Let me tell you a story that happened to me 2 weeks ago.

 

 

I showed up at work at the hospital to find that there were flowers for me. I thought they were from bf but i wasnt expecting any special occassion. Turns out thet were from my crazy ex, whom i broke up with a year ago. I was upset, crying because i felt like my space was violated. Despite how many times ive told him to leave me alone, he kepts messaging me, wanting to reconnect and to show how much he has changed ie. Exercising a lot, etc...

 

All it did was push me far far away.. I actually reported it to the cops because he had stepped into my workplace, gave it to another nurse to give to me. So he's been warned by police.

 

Dont be that creepy guy.