notmakingsense Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 I really don't know why I'm posting this -- I already know what everyone is going to tell me, and I've already posted about 5 different forms of this same problem, but what the hell -- it makes me feel better to vent and broadcast what I'm thinking..... Anyway, its been just shy of 3 weeks of NC. I wrote her 3 weeks ago to tell her that we need to move forward or move on.... her response was to go NC in order to "process" things. She did mention that she'd call eventually. So... I don't have an answer from her yet. She won't say "yes" and she won't say "no" -- and I'm just stuck here in limbo. I'm trying to use this period of NC to move on with my life -- and even try to assume that the answer is "no", but I find myself just getting all caught up in the fact that she won't come out and tell me where I stand with her. This is really frustrating, because I know that breaking NC will show her that I'm the weaker one, the needy one -- and this *has* been me historically. On the other hand, I'm getting pissed, and I'd just like to call her or write her to tell her that "This is enough! I'm assuming your lack of contact means that you don't want to move forward." As Mz Pixie would point out, in sending her a note like that -- I'm still really hoping she'll respond with a "no, I miss you -- lets move forward with our relationship." What are the chances of that? Are there people out there that are really conflicted so much that they need 3 weeks to sort things out and decide what to do? At some point, I am going to have to send a note that marks the true "ending point" of this relationship. But, how long should I wait? Have I already waited too long? Will all you NC zealots out there still tell me to not send anything -- even though it is time for me to move on?
Author notmakingsense Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Yeah -- I know. But don't you think I should at least tell her it is officially over from my viewpoint? I know this is a disguised way to ask her for feedback, but.... somehow it does seem more appropriate than her next exposure to me is finding out I've posted my profile on single's sites...
RoxStar Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 No. Dont contact her. Just let it go. It will get better.
rmo2380 Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 i think no contact is good because it heals us more than the other person. my ex broke up with me after two yrs. we talk every once and awhile but i dont intiate it. as much as it makes ya crazy of not knowing where ya stand with her ya are actually healing day by day. i love my ex to death, and i contacted her in the beginning everyday because i would of done anything in my power to get her back, but let me tell ya from experience it only pushed her away farther. no contact is good because it gives ya a chance to heal and at the same time how do ya know she isnt thinking about you just as much as she is you. only patience will bring ya back together if its meant to be. only time will tell but if ya contact her ya are risking another chance of pushing her away farther and out of reach... good luck
maryjane Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 DON'T DO IT!!! I broke no contact and was treated like crap - worst mistake I ever made but it cured me quickly and helped me get over him!
Fun2BMe Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by Jadey ^ NC isnt for everyone tho.. Getting your ex back is all about games, make sure you score the most points! How do you score hte most points?
Author notmakingsense Posted May 21, 2005 Author Posted May 21, 2005 Thanks for the posts everyone. I'm just so f(*&(*ing mad that she won't tell me where I stand. I almost don't care if I push her away further -- I mean, doesn't the fact that she hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks already say its over? I just want the final word -- I think it will help me heal faster -- don't you?
ConfusedInOC Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 NO NO NO! Respect yourself. Show her that you have the confidence to let her walk away. Don't box her in, let her breathe!
Author notmakingsense Posted May 21, 2005 Author Posted May 21, 2005 Sh*t -- 3 beers later and I sent a wimpy happy/light "how are you?" stupid message. Damn. Now I start all over again.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Dude..... Sigh. Another reason to put the alcohol away.
bstill Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 "Dude..... Sigh. Another reason to put the alcohol away." I agree to an extent. If youare able to get your drunk on and stay away fromthe phone, go ahead and get yourself good and liquored out. You've gotta work that through your system. After a painful breakup, I hid my phone. I turnedit off, stuck it somewhere, and got loaded. When I tried to find the phone the next day,I also endedup cleaning the house along the way,which improved my living situation. So i accomplished1)getting drunk and feeling sorry for myself, which was necessary, 2) was able to do the aforementioned without sloppy texts or calls, and 3) cleaned up the apartment while hunting for the phone. It felt like a friggin baptism. Repeat as required, but watch it. Keep yourself in shape and eat right. I felt a strange sense of pride going for a 5 mile run and coming home to a bottle of gin and a pack of pall malls. Indulge your self destruction until it gets boring, but certainly keep whatever emotions arise from it to yourself. Never, never, never, never contact her, even when you are stone sober.no matter how brilliant you think your idea in contacting her is, just don't. You will feel very stupid, and then you start accomplishment number 1 again. I grant you permission to write a brief, "thanks for all the good times" type email in 8 months, 240 days from now. Look forward to that, and do not deviate. I will be sending my crew to offer a congratulatory bottle of Tanqueray at the end of January, 2006.
Fun2BMe Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense This is really frustrating, because I know that breaking NC will show her that I'm the weaker one, the needy one Why would it show her that you're the weaker one? What is the competition about? Why do you have to prove to someone you care about that you are stronger and she is weak? Why is pride more important to you than risking losing a relationship? What if you contact her to find out that she doesn't want to be with you, like you want to know so you can move on? What if you contact her and she's been thinking the same stupid thing that she doesn't want to look weak and is waiting for you to contact her so she can tell you that she wants to be with you? What if the longer it takes you to contact her the more she is getting frustrated and tempted to end things for good? What is wrong with contacting? Why play games that torture you, resisting what you really want to do? Why do people say that NC is supposed to make you feel better when in reality it makes you feel so horrible that you end up smoking and drinking? Why don't I get it?
Author notmakingsense Posted May 21, 2005 Author Posted May 21, 2005 Thanks again everybody. bstill -- I didn't get drunk -- but I did have a few beers which loosened my resolve. Hiding the phone is a good idea, but in my case, I'd have to hide my computer! In any case, I'm not wallowing in a drunken stupor, and I am taking care of myself -- but I agree, alcohol doesn't help the situation. Waiting 8 months to contact? That's going to take some willpower. I'm sure we'll run into each other well before that, as this is a small town. Fun2BeMe -- I don't know what the big hang-up on NC is all about either. However, in my case, it does make a bit more sense -- since I was the one to contact her 3 weeks ago to tell her that I'm frustrated. I clearly left the ball in her court, then when she responded that she needed NC for a while to process things, I should have just left that alone -- since she clearly wanted the control of this situation. When I talk about being the weaker one, it really means that I have *always* been the one to do the pursuing in this relationship, and I need to now really step back and see if she wants me as much as I want her. I can't do this if I'm always the one that makes it super easy for her.
Jadey Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Originally posted by Fun2BMe How do you score hte most points? It depends..Youd have to give me a persific situation..
ConfusedInOC Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense When I talk about being the weaker one, it really means that I have *always* been the one to do the pursuing in this relationship, and I need to now really step back and see if she wants me as much as I want her. I can't do this if I'm always the one that makes it super easy for her. Go read my thread on LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. If you are doing all the pursuing then you are unequally yoked. Rules #2,6,7,8,9, and 12 apply to your situation. Know the rules of the game!
Fun2BMe Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Go read my thread on LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. Great list, wish I had known it earlier on.
ylwfvr Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 I was in a similar limbo. Last night, I drunk dialed and some dude answered her cell phone. I eventually spoke to her and harsh words were exchanged. Do I regret having done this? No, I am glad I got he closure I desperately needed. Would I recommend breaking NC - NO. I knew it all along what was going and I guess I am glutton for emotional punishment.... Trust your gut instinct and if that tells you she is preoccupied with someone else, don't break NC.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 Originally posted by Fun2BMe Great list, wish I had known it earlier on. Me too.
Merin Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 Sorry you're still having such a hard time Forgive yourself for sending the message.. it's not the end of the world and it isn't like you told her you can't live without her. Be VERY careful in sending out anything else here... IF you tell her that the relationship is over from your standpoint be prepared for her to accept that and it be done. Don't say things you don't mean or ask for things you don't want.. it will never serve you. Don't use guilt as a way of trying to get someone back.. even if they come back wouldn't it suck to know it's because they feel sorry for you not because it's really where thier heart is? Don't lose sight of the fact you are still a wonderful, amazing person.. you were way before you met her and you will be even if she isn't around. Hope you're feeling better at this hour
Author notmakingsense Posted May 22, 2005 Author Posted May 22, 2005 Merin -- thanks for the kind words, and for the support. My message to her was just a simple "I'm thinking about you", along with some humor -- I didn't mention anything about our (lack of a) relationship. As you can tell, I've come close to sending the "ultimatum" message... but have held back. And yes, I am having a tough time. I just got back from a date -- set up for me by a mutual friend. I could not concentrate. It felt like she was the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon... droning on.... "wah-wah-wah-wah-wah" ....and all the while -- the only thing I could think of was my ex. Heck, she was practically asking me outright to come home with me, but my heart is still out-influencing my testosterone. Imagine that. I guess I'm not ready to move on yet.
Merin Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Merin -- thanks for the kind words, and for the support. My message to her was just a simple "I'm thinking about you", along with some humor -- I didn't mention anything about our (lack of a) relationship. As you can tell, I've come close to sending the "ultimatum" message... but have held back. And yes, I am having a tough time. I just got back from a date -- set up for me by a mutual friend. I could not concentrate. It felt like she was the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon... droning on.... "wah-wah-wah-wah-wah" ....and all the while -- the only thing I could think of was my ex. Heck, she was practically asking me outright to come home with me, but my heart is still out-influencing my testosterone. Imagine that. I guess I'm not ready to move on yet. You're Welcome Charlie Browns teacher uh? Of course you're not ready quite yet to move on, and ya know what? Thats okay. I'm happy that you're at least getting out of the house from time to time! IMO it shows a lot of class and respect on your end for NOT going home with this other Girl even if she was asking you outright to do so.. it doesn't ever feel good to be someone's "Rebound" or "Therapy" know what I mean? So I applaud you for not doing that to someone else. AND just because this particular Girl wasn't the one who inspired you to not think about your EX says little about if it's possible to move on in time.. she could've been an amazing person just not on the level of you having a connection with her. You'll get there eventually Hang in there
Author notmakingsense Posted May 22, 2005 Author Posted May 22, 2005 Thanks again Merin! IMO it shows a lot of class and respect on your end for NOT going home with this other Girl even if she was asking you outright to do so.. it doesn't ever feel good to be someone's "Rebound" or "Therapy" know what I mean? So I applaud you for not doing that to someone else. I know that now -- but to tell you the truth, I'm not so sure it was class or respect -- just a simple matter of still being love-sick for my ex.... I just woke up about one hour ago, and I had another vivid dream about my ex. In it, she had decided to call me and tell me how much she misses me and wants to see me. This sucks! I wanted to pick the phone up right then and there.... but then I realized, Oh yeah, we aren't talking, and this is Sunday morning, I just woke up, and I'm supposed to be doing NC....
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