Living w/ finace and having cat issues - advice?

[Jas]

Ok, I just moved in w/ my finace one month ago. I'm completely in love with him and have the utmost

faith in our relationship. We're both very reasonable people and we've gotten through some tough times in the past.

 

So here is the new issue I don't know how to approach: I don't like living with his cats.....at all!

 

Now yes, I knew he had these cats all along, and I suspected there may be some adjustments to make,

but I did not expect it to be this irritating and frustrating. They are destructive (have already destroyed curtains,

carpet, shower curtains etc) training seems to be a lost cause since they seem kind of slow (mentally) and the

house just feels dirty to me since they've arrived (litter tracked around and fur). Another concern is we want to

have kids eventually and I cannot imagine having 3 cats w/ a baby - just too hard.

 

You may have noticed I said 3 cats....so yes, I already have a cat that I adore. I know it seems I'm playing favorites, but

she is the perfect cat. She barely sheds, doesn't scratch on anything but her post, and listens to commands.

 

So I already know I'm going to get riduculed for being selfish and b*tchy for wanting to keep my cat and toss his out,

but this is why I need advice! I don't see my feeling on these cats changing, and I don't want to upset my fiance by

asking this of him. But I just want one clean, non-destructive cat in our home.

 

Have any of you gone through this? Have you just adjusted over time, or did you make changes? What am I to do?

This is seriously stressing me out!

[blind_otter]

I have 3 dogs and a cat. I always make it clear to anyone I'm involved with that the dogs are like my babies. If they don't like you, you're gone. If you don't like them, shove off.

 

If you knew about it before you moved in, I don't know what else to say -- you knew he has 2 messy cats, you didn't think it would be too icky for you? What were you thinking??

[Jas]

Oh, I know this is illogical in every way - that is why it is so frustrating! I have been trying

to deal w/ it. I clipped their nails, I brush them and have been dilligent in trying to train them,

but I am kind of overwhelmed by my distaste for them.

 

To answer your question about what I was thinking - I guess I went into it with the same blind optimism

that many people have when they find the one they love and think everything will just "work itself out."

 

But truthfully, until living w/ them - I didn't know the extent of their behaviour. Being at his place, it

wasn't as obvious.

 

Also, I love my cat to death. I can't imagine getting rid of her - until now. I've been forced to consider that

just because I am asking the same of him. If it really came down to it - I could not choose a cat over the

person that I am certain I want to be with. You could??

 

I know he wouldn't tell me to shove off, but I still don't want this to become an issue of resentment between us.

Ugh

[FolderWife]

Could you have his cats declawed? They are going through a major adjustment moving in with you and YOUR cat.

 

As for the shedding, maybe you could confine them to a part of the house that they won't damage or nasty up too badly. I have one indoor cat...I couldn't handle three My mom has three OUTSIDE cats. They come in occasionally, but they MUST stay in the kitchen/dining area...OR she makes them go outside.

 

Can you keep his cats outside? At least through the day

[Jas]

Thanks for the advice Monday.

 

Declawing is something I suggested, but then looked into and we both feel it is not a good idea

for humane reasons. Clipping is an alternative I just tried out - we'll see if it does any good.

 

The other thing is we can find *fixes* for a lot of the issues I have w/ the cats, but I just

don't think it will help in the long run. They'd have to be shaved, declawed and confined to

an area far from my living space for me to be happy...and I know that is crazy.

 

All 3 cats get along quite well. His are very easy going cats that do not care about

being moved to new environments (see comment about them being mentally slow!)

 

They are all indoor cats and we live on a busy street. I may not like them, but I don't wish

any harm upon them - so outdoors is a no. They are not allowed in our bedroom area, but

keeping them confined to any other space wouldn't be possible w/ the apt. we have.

 

At least someone can relate to not being able to handle 3 - it is too much! Especially when they ALL

have to be in the same room as you (bathroom included.)

 

I think I will just try to stick it out for another month or so, and will confront my fiance with my

wishes then, if it is still this severe. We've already discussed it a bit and at least he is aware

of what I'm feeling. He's regretfully gotten rid of a past cat and I suspect it had something to do

w/ his ex, so that adds another dynamic to it.

 

I've searched these boards and I can't believe no one else seems to have had this problem -

I can't be the only one!?

[tanbark813]

I can undertand if you moved in without your own pets and then wanted him to get rid of his, but asking him to get rid of his cats but keep yours is pretty f*cked up. Besides, it's not like cats aren't untrainable.

 

IMHO, it would have to be keep all 3 or get rid of all 3. Those seem like the only fair options.

[Jas]

So tanbark, what you're saying is - a person is allowed to be unhappy with

someone's pets ONLY if they are pet-free themselves??

 

That's like saying that since I have a mom, I have to like yours. Same diff.

 

No, I too see the hipocrisy in my situation. I considered what you're saying.

Honestly. I've considered everything you guys have said - but it just boils down

to the fact that I'm not happy. I'm not usually this high-maintenance or

demanding, and I know marriage is all about compromise...but this issue has

two people w/ very strong feelings on either side. Makes it more difficult.

 

And I didn't say I wouldn't give up my cat. I said I could never imagine it - until now. And

yes, I would get rid of her. I hope it doesn't have to come to that, because he likes her,

so what would the good reason be? Just to spite me?

[dgiirl]

You've only lived with the guy for a month? I'd give it a few more months before you make any real decisions. When I started living with my husband, the first 6 months was the honeymoon period. After that you start to let your guard down and see what real life is going to be like. It would suck if you guys split after he got rid of the cats.

[tanbark813]

You're twisting my words.

 

Originally posted by jas4577

So tanbark, what you're saying is - a person is allowed to be unhappy with

someone's pets ONLY if they are pet-free themselves??

 

No, you can be unhappy about whatever you want. I'm saying it's not fair to ask him to get rid of his and not get rid of yours.

 

Originally posted by jas4577

That's like saying that since I have a mom, I have to like yours. Same diff.

 

I never said you had to like his cats. Did you consider that getting rid of his cats might make him unhappy? Does that matter to you?

 

Originally posted by jas4577

I'm not usually this high-maintenance or

demanding, and I know marriage is all about compromise...

 

Right, which is why I think that all cats or no cats is the way to go.

 

Originally posted by jas4577

And I didn't say I wouldn't give up my cat. I said I could never imagine it - until now. And

yes, I would get rid of her. I hope it doesn't have to come to that, because he likes her,

so what would the good reason be? Just to spite me?

 

If your husband is fine with keeping only your cat, then you guys are good to go. I'm just saying that if he objects to that, I don't think it would be cool to get mad at him about that. I have my own cats and I'm just speaking from how I would see things in his shoes, that's all. I can see an issue like this blowing up into a big argument.

[Treasa]

Originally posted by jas4577

That's like saying that since I have a mom, I have to like yours. Same diff.

 

Well, if you're going to marry the other person, yeah, you kinda do. It's like children. EVERYONE thinks their children are behaved and so perfect. But no one else does. They think THEIR children are perfect.

 

Here's my other issue:

 

If you think his CATS are bad, wait til you have kids! It'll make the cats seem like a piece of cake. Think of this as training.

 

All in all, you have to respect his feelings, too. Like you yourself said, you knew about the cats upfront.

[Jas]

Arrgh! This is so frustrating, cuz you are all making very valid points.

 

I value everything you guys are saying, I do. I think maybe some of your statements may help me to

just friggin realize I have to deal with it rather than thinking I have an option... MAYBE. I wish I

were more laid-back in this dept. I have always looked forward to having a very nice, organized,

CLEAN home to share w/ my husband/family - and I don't know if it is just my attitude -but cats

don't fit into my little picture.

 

tanbark: Thanks for your point of view. I appreciate it. Yeah, I twisted your words.

I know it is different. Also, I do care immensely about his feelings,

which is why I'm kind of refraining from going through all of this dialog with him until I have sorted out what

I should realistically expect. However, I also see it this way: a split from his cats will upset him for what -

a few weeks? Meanwhile, living with cats that are destroying my furniture, along with my quality of life could

upset me for as long as their furry little bodies inhabit our home!

 

dgiirl: yeah, I will give it more time. I don't think we're gonna break up ever, but regardless of that - I will

prove that I've at least made an honest effort.

 

Treasa: Ha! My fiance made the kid comparison just the other day! That's a huge one for me - I don't want to

be a parent for awhile, and I feel like one already - constantly disciplining the felines! Not to mention what kind of

annoyance they will be when there is a little one around.

And yes - I knew about the cats upfront, but what was I supposed to do then? I didn't know how

it would work until trying it, and I couldn't make an issue of something that was still a "what if"

- so we would be in the same position right now regardless of whether I had made it an issue before we moved in.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by jas4577

tanbark: Thanks for your point of view. I appreciate it. Yeah, I twisted your words.

I know it is different. Also, I do care immensely about his feelings,

which is why I'm kind of refraining from going through all of this dialog with him until I have sorted out what

I should realistically expect. However, I also see it this way: a split from his cats will upset him for what -

a few weeks? Meanwhile, living with cats that are destroying my furniture, along with my quality of life could

upset me for as long as their furry little bodies inhabit our home!

 

Honestly, the fact that you make that kind of comparison makes me think you value your feelings much moreso than you value his. Is your furniture really more important than his bond with his cats? Even assuming he does get over having lost his cats in a few weeks, that doesn't take into account the resentment that may linger afterwards.

 

I had an ex who had a pomeranian that I absolutely couldn't stand. It yapped all day and night and pissed and s*** all over the house. But I would have never asked her to get rid of it for me. (Although, if the f*cker ever died I would have strongly opposed getting another one. )

[Jas]

Hmm...

 

I guess I'm totally solo on my side of the fence here.

 

Maybe you're right, and I do care more about my feelings in this situation. I don't know.

I understand there are sacrifices to make in a relationship, but have you ever just wanted

something so badly that it just weighed on you? Something you knew was unfair, or irrational?

Well this is the first time for me, and it sucks - cuz I do feel like a child who wants her way -BAD!

Obviously I don't want resentment, though.

 

As far as the destruction goes - where do you draw the line? I mean, if they were spraying would

that be a good enough reason? I spend a lot of energy in how I keep our home - having the scratched

up walls, carpet and curtains infuriates me.

 

How do you suggest one manages 3 cats (with claws) and kids? Granted who knows what our living situation

will be at that time - but they will still be indoor, most likely. Just don't know how that will work out...

 

Did you live w/ the pomeranian-toting ex?

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by jas4577

As far as the destruction goes - where do you draw the line? I mean, if they were spraying would

that be a good enough reason? I spend a lot of energy in how I keep our home - having the scratched

up walls, carpet and curtains infuriates me.

 

They'll only spray if they're not fixed. So if they're not, they should be. As far as the overall behavior, you can train cats to behave better (i.e., smack them when they're bad), it just takes a little more work than dogs.

 

Originally posted by jas4577

How do you suggest one manages 3 cats (with claws) and kids? Granted who knows what our living situation

will be at that time - but they will still be indoor, most likely. Just don't know how that will work out...

 

I don't know. My parents always had 3 or 4 cats and a dog around while my brother and I were growing up. It was never really a problem.

 

Originally posted by jas4577

Did you live w/ the pomeranian-toting ex?

 

No, but we saw each other every day and I spent many a night there.

[brashgal]

Some cats will spray even after they've been fixed. I had a problem with one of mine when we moved a new cat in and the older kitty who started spraying had been fixed at 6 months of age.

 

Maybe you need more scratching posts.

 

Litter on the floor? Do you have some sort of rug or tray under your litter box? I put rubber mats under mine, it helps keep the litter from getting tracked around. Cleaning the box(es) more often helps too and not filling them quite so full with litter.

 

My guess is that the 3 cats are not getting along quite as famously as you state. Probably why they're spraying (marking their territory). It takes time for everyone to get along - took 3 months at least at my house (and I had 4 so you can bet I was a basket case).

 

Keeping them off of the walls and furniture is a discipline thing - if you have the time and you're there, great. If you don't then and you can't stand it, I'd get rid of all the cats.

 

Good luck!

[Kitty04]

Hi-

 

I read through your post and responses and I feel your pain. My ex boyfriend of 2 years put many demands on me about my 4 cats. He knew I loved them, but he had allergies and asthma that made it a health issue to have them around.

 

Ultimately it led to our demise. It was NEVER a consideration to get rif of them, ever. Not because I wasn't ready to compromise, but, it is COMPLETELY false than the loss of a pet will only hurt "for a few weeks or days". That is completely false. To people who love thier pets, they are family, just little furry people who don't talk. I am suprised to hear you both decided that de-clawing is inhumane, but dumping 3 helpless animals into an uncertain future is a better option. Any friend, shelter, etc that would take these animals are no guarentee they would stay safe, cared for, or even alive. As I sit here right now with one of my "babies" on my lap, I don't regret the decisions we have made for one millisecond.

 

Lastly, describing these cats as "mentally slow" while yours is a princess seems unfair. Animals, like a marriage, require a life long commitment. These cats may be suffering more than you think from the disruption of their household. Just think, do you always act out when you are stresses, scared, etc? Give them love and attention and things should be fine. Animals can sense when they are disliked. I hope it works out for the best.

 

As a suggestion, some things that really helped with hair and general cleanliness was the Dyson animal vac and Sharper Image Ionic Air Cleaners. They are expensive, but may help you feel more comfortable.

[SoleMate]

Hey, this is a really tough problem! jas, I totally understand your point of view - I am on the "neat freak, no pets" side of the fence, and yet there are people whom I love dearly, who have a bond with an animal/animals that is extremely important to them. I don't know exactly how your fiance feels about his cats, but if he's like many pet owners, they come a close second in his heart, right after you and maybe a few other humans. If you were sent to an institution to live, never to see him again, he would miss you for more than a few weeks. He might pine for you for years, and feel that sadness for the rest of his life. I would advise thinking long and hard about him and his deepest emotional needs before you ask him to make that sacrifice.

 

IMO, marriage should NOT be about compromise. Please Google for "marriage builders" and read about this. Dr. Harley says that marriage is about meeting each other's most important emotional needs, and using all your creativity and intelligence to come up with a way to do that that BOTH people can live with happily. If you seek compromise, or "split the difference", inevitably one or both will suffer. Over time, as each person sucks up all the necessary loss and pain to keep the relationship going under the "compromise" system, love is damaged and may die off.

 

I recommend sitting down with your fiance and asking him what the cats mean to him. If he's not very articulate, you may have to help him frame this. Do your best to really understand what his life is like with or without his cats. And then you tell him your needs as well. THEN GET CREATIVE! Both of you. There are lots of options you have not mentioned - like living separately, having a room for the cats, really trying professional grooming or behavior modification, asking him to take a lead role in retraining, etc.

[Thinkalot]

I can sympathise with how hard it must be, on BOTH sides. An animal lover myself, I probably wouldn't mind the cats. It seems though, that some adjustments need to be made on both sides...like solemate said, try and get creative.

 

My husband likes animals,but not cats. I have had to accept we will never own a cat, even though I love both dogs and cats. Also, he grew up in a household, where the animals lived outside. IN my household, the animals sat cosily with us, on the lounge!

 

we are renting now, and cant own pets, but already have discussed how we will handle these differences. One way, is to get a dog which doesn't shed much fur (certain breeds better than others) and having a set area in the house where the dog can go. etc

 

Good luck in sorting this out.

[moimeme]

I have always looked forward to having a very nice, organized, CLEAN home to share w/ my husband/family

 

Meanwhile, living with cats that are destroying my furniture

 

Boy are you ever not ready to be a parent! Look at it this way; cats and kids are unruly and messy. Getting used to the cats is great training for motherhood. And if you think your lovely furniture is going to remain lovely with kids around, think again because you couldn't be more wrong.

 

Furniture and drapes are inanimate objects. Things. Stuff you buy. Animals and humans are living, loving creatures. Methinks you have your priorities skewed.

[Thinkalot]

That's true moi. Then again though, I have been to some people's homes, with kids, that somehow are still quite clean and ordered. And those homes usually dont have animals in them, come to think of it. I suppose the key is finding that middle ground.

Me, I love animals, and I am messy. lol

[binturong]

I don't necessarily think you have your priorities wrong. My DH and I had a cat for 5 years who would only use his litterbox 50% of the time. The box could be perfectly clean and right next to him, but he would pee 2 feet away from it instead. After 5 years of ruined carpet, vet visits, behavioral medication, and even another cat (vet thought that maybe he was lonely while we were at work and was acting up), we had to draw the line. We had just bought our first house and paid $10K to get new carpet and tile installed. No way was the cat going to be allowed to mess it up. Yes, the carpet is just "stuff". So was the solid oak cabinet we had to throw away when we moved because of cat piss (and he didn't just spray, he PEED). So was the mattress we had to trash because of cat piss, along with the bean bag chair, my down comforter, a few couch cushions, and a bunch of other stuff. But we're looking to have children soon. I don't want my baby crawling on a floor that has cat piss on it. I didn't want the cat reacting to a new presence in the house by peeing in its bed (and he would too! When I had family staying over at my house, he would poop in the bathroom sink).

 

I think you and your BF need to sit down and draw a line...figure out exactly how much you're willing to spend to replace furniture the cats have ruined. Figure out how much money in deposits you're willing to give up because of carpet or drape problems due to the cats. Figure out exactly how much discomfort YOU are willing to put up with to have these cats. And then figure out what you'd do with the cats if you can't put up with them anymore. For a while, we locked ours up in the bathroom with a scratching post...nothing for them to ruin by peeing, pooping, or scratching. We eventually ended up making him an outdoor cat. We put him in the backyard with a large dog house for shelter. He lasted a month before the coyotes came into our backyard and killed him. I do regret the need to put him outside, but we couldn't find another home for him. None of the foster homes or no kill shelters would take him. The SPCA would have just put him to sleep. But in the end, I don't regret the decision. It was either him or my health and that of our future children. When it comes down to it, he was more important than just STUFF, but when his penchant for destroying our stuff led to us not being able to afford things we needed and when it became a health risk for us, that's when WE had to come before him.

[moimeme]

Oh geeze. So you had a problem with a cat with major problems. It's not the case with the cats the OP is talking about.

[swirlingdaisy]

Sounds to me like the real issue is that Jas thinks her cat is a "princess" and she resents the fact that her dear cat has to share a home with other cats. She clearly thinks her cat is "perfect" and she doesn't think much of her fiance's cats. The problems she complains about are all very easy to deal with, if you've got the ambition, a little creativity and a true respect for animals.

 

Don't like the cats hanging on the drapes? Get rid of the drapes, get blinds or something (and ensure the cords are tucked up inside the top of the slats, to avoid the cat strangling himself on them). Don't like litter being tracked? Put a mat in front of the litterbox, use better quality litter. Don't like the cats scratching things up? Learn how to clip their claws, get a few scratching posts, learn some actual training techniques. Where there's a will, there's a way.

 

Pets aren't disposable like an old pair of shoes. The solution is not for both you and he to get rid of your pets (how rude is that - pets deserve a "forever home", not to be tossed out the door/surrendered to a shelter at the drop of a hat).......the solution is to stop thinking of your cat as this perfect little princess and having such contempt and dislike for his cats. There are a zillion Cat Behavior Forums in the internet - if you're genuine about finding a solution, search for it, make the effort.

[Jas]

Whoa. Gone for the weekend and a lot to reply to.

 

First swirlydaisy : My cat is obedient and disciplined. And you can call her a princess if you'd like, I didn't. However, when I walk into a room - I see reminants of HIS cat's destruction, not mine. They are 3 years old and have not been properly trained. I spent a lot of time molding my cat to behave as well as she does. I have clipped all of their nails, including my own cat's. We shall see if this helps. They still try to pull up on the carpet. I brush them. I do have mats. I'm integrating better litter into their boxes, slowly so they become accustomed. I'm not just sitting on my ass observing and being reminded how much they annoy me. You've got an awfully righteous attitute, by the way.

 

Binturong: I feel for your situation. My roommate had a cat like that for awhile- peed and pooped everywhere. I asked that she move out. I refuse to live with animals like that. My fiance's are not THAT bad, but they still don't live up to my standards. I don't know that they will. Cats have different personalities and tendencies, as do people. I don't get along w/ all humans...nor all cats/dogs/gerbils. I don't know how effective training is after they are older. I will definetely discuss finanes with him to see how far he is willing to go to replace furniture etc. We currently have his leather set which was demolished by his cats when they were young. I'd like to get a new set...but certainly not until this is sorted out.

 

moi: this is so different than children. First of all, when I have kids it will be my choice to have them. I will raise them to have manners. They will be my own flesh and blood - not domesticated pets?!? I can't belive how seriously you all take pets. Are you all vegetarians?!? Or are the feelings of cows, pigs, chickens etc different than a house cat that you have a bond with?

 

Solemate: I like your ideas, thank you. I've even considered living separately until we get this sorted out. I don't think it will come to that, but that's how badly I do not want to cohabitate w/ these animals.

 

Brashgal etc: the cats are not spraying, that was just a comparison I made to ask where one draws the line. The cats get along. However, we don't have much time to constantly discipline them - so I'm not too optimistic.

 

The bottom line is: I won't be happy living with the cats, he won't be happy living without them. I will resent both him and the cats if they stay - he will resent me if they go. I appreciate all of your words. I guess this is now something that is left for the two of us to decide. Solemate, I am looking forward to reading that info on compromise. My fiance and I have discussed that most serious issues between couples are resolved by one partner realizing that something is not as important of an issue for them, and allowing the other to have it their way. I don't yet know how important this is to him, but will find out soon.

 

Oh, and to those who have ended relationships over pets: I wish you the best of luck. I am not questioning how difficult it is to make the decision to give up an animal, and maybe I do not know the extent of the bond that is possible, but as long as my domesticated animals cannot verbally communicate with me - I will choose a human over them any day.

[blind_otter]

I don't think stopping seeing someone after one or two dates qualifies as ending a relationship

 

But IME, since I don't believe in throwing your animals away when they are inconvenient, it's better to establish right away that my animals aren't going anywhere, so if you like me, you need to like them. I feel strongly that when you get a pet, it is a committment - you promise to provide shelter, care, and food for this creature until it dies. Not until it becomes inconvenient. So they are part and parcel of me.

 

You said that you were overly optimistic about the relationship, but this sounds more like you simply didn't expose yourself enough to his life with his pets, or that you had unrealistic ideas of how things would work out. Maybe?