Questions about the alpha/beta male concept

[Miss Peach]

OP, the things you described that you do for your girlfriend (the flowers, the opening the door, the attentiveness) are not passive, beta, or otherwise. They are just what someone who actually cares about a woman does.

 

I don't really think much in terms of alpha or beta, but decisiveness and drive are important to me. I don't want to make all the plans. I don;t want to have to decide where to eat all the time. And I like a man who has a passion - whether it be his career, a hobby, a cause. I think for me it boils down to energy. I am a high energy person, so a very very low energy person frustrates me.

 

Same here.... this works with me too.

[Oregon_Dude]

The alpha man lets the woman walk away if/when she wants to.

 

The beta man begs her to stay, cries, says I'll do anything blah blah blah.

 

The alpha man knows who he is, what he brings to the table, and has confidence in his value as a man and member of society at large.

 

The beta man relies on a woman's love (which is fleeting) in order to feel he is a worthy human being. When she leaves, he is crushed and left with no semblance of self.

[Wally Bee]

Wally, you keep questioning if you should change because she lost interest in you. What if the issue isn't you but her? I would understand questioning yourself if you saw a pattern of similar behavior but right now you don't have much data. Be who you want to be, act in the manner that you find acceptable and can go to bed happy being, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I think it is admirable to want to see if you have areas to improve, we all need to constantly access ourselves, but don't twist yourself into knots on one person's assessment (and it seems like very limited assessment). It may have had little to actually do with you and the break up and issues could have been more her baggage.

 

You're right. I didn't even think of this. I AM blaming myself for what I lack or think that I lack. I sat here thinking I did all these right things in the relationship (and I did) that it would mean something. I always had this picture of relationship like this and everything would be great and progressing like it was that nothing like this would happen. That she'd never have a reason to leave. I never gave her a reason to leave, she left on her own baggage. Wow, I feel a great bit of relief, still hurts, but wow.

 

It's funny for her to think I'm too passive, when most of the time it was me making the decisions. I had to do most of the planning and she was always to blah about stuff. It kind of sucked the life out of me. When I got really busy with my work, new hobby, etc I had to back off a little b/c i was exhausting myself. It was tough being there for her and her family when I'm already up for 15 hours. I wanted her to take charge a little while I recharged.

 

also, bachdude is right as well about the people pleaser. I know what I am, and I hate that I forgot that.

 

thanks for autumnnight as well.

 

I've always prided myself on being able to compromise and open minded about myself. If i'm doing something wrong, tell me and I'll see if it I feel needs changing.

 

A tv show help me see something today as well...

I realized something today as I thought about her life before me and my life. I'm pretty sure that I am the best thing that's ever happened to that girl. NO one has ever treated her better, nor supported her better, nor tried to push her to improve her life more than me. On top of it, we were actually best friends and the bedroom life was pretty damn good. We had a great thing going, but she got scared of a commitment that I didn't force and ran.

I also realized also that she was not the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned a lot from this relationship and I loved what she brought into my life, but I can do without... or rather, i can do those things without her now.

 

i forgot the different perspectives people see. I'm usually that guy that sees all the angles. I guess when it hits close to home, it's harder to do so.

[PrettyEmily77]

The alpha man lets the woman walk away if/when she wants to.

 

The beta man begs her to stay, cries, says I'll do anything blah blah blah.

 

The alpha man knows who he is, what he brings to the table, and has confidence in his value as a man and member of society at large.

 

The beta man relies on a woman's love (which is fleeting) in order to feel he is a worthy human being. When she leaves, he is crushed and left with no semblance of self.

 

Wouldn't that be the difference between a secure guy and an insecure guy, though?

 

I've no use for labels of any kind so have really no idea how to tell an Alpha male from the rest of the Greek alphabet but to me, as I'd assume most women, a secure and healthy guy (in mind and body) is always a better option, regardless of how many ppl 'defer' to him.

[Oregon_Dude]

Wouldn't that be the difference between a secure guy and an insecure guy, though?

Yeah, I guess so

 

I have my insecure moments - such as after being rejected - but would like to think I'm a fan of myself most of the time.

 

The alpha thing gets a bit ridiculous for sure... usually the kind of guy EVERY woman falls for is narcissistic and/or sociopathic.

 

Anyway, most guys don't neatly fall into one or the other. A good rule of thumb is to not be a giant p*ssy.

[Got it]

You're right. I didn't even think of this. I AM blaming myself for what I lack or think that I lack. I sat here thinking I did all these right things in the relationship (and I did) that it would mean something. I always had this picture of relationship like this and everything would be great and progressing like it was that nothing like this would happen. That she'd never have a reason to leave. I never gave her a reason to leave, she left on her own baggage. Wow, I feel a great bit of relief, still hurts, but wow.

 

It's funny for her to think I'm too passive, when most of the time it was me making the decisions. I had to do most of the planning and she was always to blah about stuff. It kind of sucked the life out of me. When I got really busy with my work, new hobby, etc I had to back off a little b/c i was exhausting myself. It was tough being there for her and her family when I'm already up for 15 hours. I wanted her to take charge a little while I recharged.

 

also, bachdude is right as well about the people pleaser. I know what I am, and I hate that I forgot that.

 

thanks for autumnnight as well.

 

I've always prided myself on being able to compromise and open minded about myself. If i'm doing something wrong, tell me and I'll see if it I feel needs changing.

 

A tv show help me see something today as well...

I realized something today as I thought about her life before me and my life. I'm pretty sure that I am the best thing that's ever happened to that girl. NO one has ever treated her better, nor supported her better, nor tried to push her to improve her life more than me. On top of it, we were actually best friends and the bedroom life was pretty damn good. We had a great thing going, but she got scared of a commitment that I didn't force and ran.

I also realized also that she was not the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned a lot from this relationship and I loved what she brought into my life, but I can do without... or rather, i can do those things without her now.

 

i forgot the different perspectives people see. I'm usually that guy that sees all the angles. I guess when it hits close to home, it's harder to do so.

 

See I think that is a great way to look at it. Find the silver linings, take the lessons you think are applicable but move forward.

 

And in regards to her saying you were passive, sometimes we "hit" our partners with the things that we ourselves do. We see in them what we dislike the most in ourselves.

 

So if you ask friends and do a general litmus test and think you are pretty much in the middle in an area, taking charge for example, then you don't have to own the criticism. You know you are middle of the road.

 

Just because someone criticizes us doesn't mean they are correct. You have to assess the speaker as well.

 

So take the lessons, have a good self analysis of yourself, know your strengths and your "areas of opportunity" and bring that into the dating world when you are ready. It could have been as simple as she is too much of a fool to see what she had and her lose is going to be another girls gain.