BigProc Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 I need some honest opinions please and I will apologise in advance if the post becomes too long. I have recently come out of an 18 month relationship, which was a mutual decision, but more on my part. The problem was that there was not any real spark, chemistry, passion etc on my part, whereas she was madly in love with me in all aspects. However I still believe I love the girl and already I am missing her very much. The problem is because she was originally a rebound from a previous relationship, which was very unhealthy in terms of lots of passion, but also lots of lows like jealousy bad arguments etc. So due to this I probably was not ready to have another serious relationship thus I believe this is why I never had an initial spark with her. However we hit it off on other grounds, for example we both have children between us, have very similar interests and hobbies. Because I did not have the initial spark and never have I find it a lot less stressful in regards to trusting more and being a lot more laid back myself, therefore the relationship was more easy going with no real drama and its exactly what I needed having had stressful drama filled relationships in the past. However on the negative side which ultimately ended the relationship, the difference in feelings really showed, for example I had a lot less interest in sex and was probably a little colder. She was worried I was going to cheat (I never have or never would), I also did find myself thinking about other women and I did miss the excitement of the initial spark and I did always think about ending the relationship, but the other aspects of the relationship was so good. The feelings I am having now are like I am missing her but I am not losing sleep or I am not losing my appetite and I am not getting the jealous feelings of wondering if she is texting any one else. I guess I just know that other than the spark, this is the best relationship I have ever been in and the best girl I have ever been with. I guess I love her lots and lots but I am not in love with her. So I would appreciate some input on this. Has anyone experienced/experiencing the same thing? Can a relationship work without the spark from one person? I am tempted to ask her back out, but am I being selfish? many thanks
Els Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Mutual attraction is REALLY important in a relationship. If you were already thinking about cheating at 18 months, breaking up was absolutely the right thing to do. She deserves someone who is really interested in her, not a (barely!) lukewarm person. That being said, if your definition of 'the spark' is losing your appetite and not being able to sleep, perhaps you also need to reevaluate your definition of attraction. 1
Popsicle Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Yes, it necessary for me and it must be mutual. Like your ex, I too would break up if I felt the guy didn't have the spark for me. You can absolutely feel it and tell, no matter what he says. 1
Author BigProc Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 When I mean losing sleep and losing appertite, I'm referring to the post feelings you get just after a break up. What I'm saying is I am missing her and the relationship, but not to the extent of experiencing those feelings. I would not cheat, I did not say I was thinking of cheating, but I do miss the spark I have had with previous partners. By a long stretch I am not treating her badly, on the contary, but it is clear to her that I have not got that "spark" and its making her paranoid and insecure that it will make me cheat. Surely if everything else is fine in the relationship then its not too important???? The lust and passion wears off eventually??
Els Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 When I mean losing sleep and losing appertite, I'm referring to the post feelings you get just after a break up. What I'm saying is I am missing her and the relationship, but not to the extent of experiencing those feelings. I would not cheat, I did not say I was thinking of cheating, but I do miss the spark I have had with previous partners. By a long stretch I am not treating her badly, on the contary, but it is clear to her that I have not got that "spark" and its making her paranoid and insecure that it will make me cheat. Ah, okay. I'm not saying you're a bad person at all, but like you said she can sense that you're not into her, and being in a relationship like that is no way to live. It was best that the two of you break up, that way you can each look for someone you ARE attracted to. Surely if everything else is fine in the relationship then its not too important???? The lust and passion wears off eventually?? Not really, no. I've been with my guy for several years and the attraction is still there. I also know a few couples who have been together for decades and are still deeply in love with each other. IMO having a R without any attraction is like trying to build something without a foundation. Sure there are other things like walls and roof etc that are equally important in a building, but they might as well not exist if you have no foundation.
salparadise Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Surely if everything else is fine in the relationship then its not too important???? The lust and passion wears off eventually?? I don't think you can generalize on this to the extent of saying what it should feel like for anyone/everyone. I am sure there have been many marriages and long-term relationships where it was unequal or one or both didn't feel extremely passionate in the beginning. And what makes a relationship successful certainly has different definitions to different people. But that being said... It sounds like you've experienced passion before and believe it should be there, yet you are trying to convince yourself that it's permissible to continue this relationship without it because it's otherwise harmonious, easier to manage... and in my opinion what's not being said, because you're not feeling passionate for anyone else at the moment. It feels safe, comfortable, and you're thinking that's not a bad place to be... until someone else comes along and stirs the passion. It is absolutely possible to have passion without drama and conflict. While the over-the-top excitement of new love and sex will moderate in most (if not all) relationships, there are couples who still have it even decades later. My feeling is the same as some others... you've already said that there is an imbalance; she feels insecure or not fully appreciated due to your lack of emotion, and you see the relationship as barely adequate for the same reason. I think you should probably let her go to enable the possibility of both of you finding someone you're so passionate about that you just can't stand to keep your hands off each other, and where the feeling is mutual.
Author BigProc Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 I guess you are right. Its just I'm now 33 yr old and in my time I have had passionate relationships and they have ended up being dysfunctional. Lots of highs but lots of lows and bad arguments too. I have read quite a few websites which also say that is a very common thing in those kind of relationships. That is why I persisted with this one as everything else was perfect and I thought I would look at it in a different way, rather than just looking for that fire, spark, passion etc
Frank2thepoint Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 The Boss sang it best: You can't start a fire without a spark.
Els Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I guess you are right. Its just I'm now 33 yr old and in my time I have had passionate relationships and they have ended up being dysfunctional. Lots of highs but lots of lows and bad arguments too. I have read quite a few websites which also say that is a very common thing in those kind of relationships. That is why I persisted with this one as everything else was perfect and I thought I would look at it in a different way, rather than just looking for that fire, spark, passion etc Both attraction and stability are equally important IMO. Good thing about that is, they aren't mutually exclusive. Also, stability can potentially be learned (assuming both are decent people willing to work on themselves and the R, and no serious issues like abuse/cheating etc). Most LT couples go through one or two difficult times (usually after the honeymoon phase ends) where they learn a lot about themselves and the other person, and need to resolve some issues. Sometimes things don't improve and you have to break up. But sometimes they do. I'm not advocating staying in a dysfunctional R of course, but I don't advocate cutting and running at the slightest sign of conflict either. On the other hand, attraction can never be 'worked on' if there was zero to start with. You can fan the flames but you can't make a fire out of nothing.
kpl Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I guess you are right. Its just I'm now 33 yr old and in my time I have had passionate relationships and they have ended up being dysfunctional. Lots of highs but lots of lows and bad arguments too. I have read quite a few websites which also say that is a very common thing in those kind of relationships. That is why I persisted with this one as everything else was perfect and I thought I would look at it in a different way, rather than just looking for that fire, spark, passion etc I have had this happen to me as well. I had to learn to appreciate more stable relationships and not search for that "spark." Everyone has different ideas of what that looks like and feels like. If you have not had the spark in a healthy relationship you probably need to do some work on yourself to sort out what is igniting the spark for you. Once I did some work on myself I became more attracted to consistency and stability, there is passion also but not in the same topsy turvy way you have in unhealthy relationships. I think your approach to this was great with this girl but maybe you weren't ready to put your new motto into practice. Take time for yourself. Whatever you do look at like you are still searching for what you want not unhealthy roller coaster = spark. You can have stability and passion too but it probably won't feel as intoxicating. After a while that old spark you used to feel will become a turn off because it is an indicator of bad things to come.
froz Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 As someone else said on here mutual attraction is really important and to have that spark initially at least is pretty essential. However, like with all things, it can fade. There needs to be more, whether it's common interests or a shared passion, you need to be able to "gel" and compliment one another. It's a difficult area I guess to really discuss without knowing the two people in person and everyone has their opinion on something like this!
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