he's got a new girlfriend

[opalant]

I was with my ex for 3 years and 3 months from the age of 15 to 18. He was so nice to me at first, then towards the end of the relationship he was emotionally and physically abusive.

 

I really miss our good memories but I don't want him back because of what he's done to me.

 

I don't know why, I hadn't checked his social media for months and I've blocked him but I just decided to check to see how he's doing at the first picture was of him and his new girlfriend.

 

She's 2 years younger than him and extremely pretty, I know I shouldn't compare myself to her but she's so much nicer looking than me. He hurt me and hit me and now he's with someone else and I'm left to cry over him. I feel like he doesn't deserve to be happy. I'm not going to contact her or him, or check his accounts again because that really hurt, but I don't know what to do now.

 

I just can't help but think why was I not good enough, why did he treat me that way and now he's going to be doing all the nice things he used to do for me for her instead.

[Cora]

You are good enough. He's the one not good enough for you. Any man who hits someone is not good enough! If he abused you he will most likely abuse her too. Be thankful you are rid if him. Please know that he isn't worth it. I know you are going through a painful time right now. I pray that it gets better for you.

[Marco Valerio]

Hi dear friend,

 

I can only say that he wasn't that good boyfriend if he was abusive with you. You get to know people when they are in their worse, so...that's not the boyfriend, husband or future father you want in your life.

 

The choices we make in life always reveal who we are.

[louxor]

I was with my ex for 3 years and 3 months from the age of 15 to 18. He was so nice to me at first, then towards the end of the relationship he was emotionally and physically abusive.

 

I really miss our good memories but I don't want him back because of what he's done to me.

 

I don't know why, I hadn't checked his social media for months and I've blocked him but I just decided to check to see how he's doing at the first picture was of him and his new girlfriend.

 

She's 2 years younger than him and extremely pretty, I know I shouldn't compare myself to her but she's so much nicer looking than me. He hurt me and hit me and now he's with someone else and I'm left to cry over him. I feel like he doesn't deserve to be happy. I'm not going to contact her or him, or check his accounts again because that really hurt, but I don't know what to do now.

 

I just can't help but think why was I not good enough, why did he treat me that way and now he's going to be doing all the nice things he used to do for me for her instead.

 

Stop looking back on the past through rose tinted glasses - he physically abused you - That is the true person he is, nothing more. He is a scumbag and no longer your problem. Chances are he hasn't changed.

[opalant]

I just can't stop comparing myself to her and it's horrible. I keep thinking about them being intimate with each other and that's horrible too. I know he abused me but he was my first love and knowing he's with someone else now makes me feel sick.

 

I don't even understand why I'm so upset though, even if he came running back and begged me to take him back I'm strong enough now not to do that because I know he won't change for me. And I don't even like him as a person anymore but I'm angry and upset that he's happy with someone else, and I'm alone even though he's the one that treated me like crap.

[Marco Valerio]

I just can't stop comparing myself to her and it's horrible. I keep thinking about them being intimate with each other and that's horrible too. I know he abused me but he was my first love and knowing he's with someone else now makes me feel sick.

 

I don't even understand why I'm so upset though, even if he came running back and begged me to take him back I'm strong enough now not to do that because I know he won't change for me. And I don't even like him as a person anymore but I'm angry and upset that he's happy with someone else, and I'm alone even though he's the one that treated me like crap.

 

Those feelings are completely normal, but they will fade. He was your first and that's a great deal, but he's given you the reasons to move on. Now you know what you want in your next relationship and what you don't. Be brave, those feelings you have now are normal, he was someone important in your life.

[lovel]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Agree with everyone, these feelings are normal and they will go away. Sometimes, no matter how much someone has hurt us, the fact that there's someone new will still affect us (we can't help but compare either, even if it's not the best or healthiest thing to do). It just feels like it's not fair that they're happy when they're the ones who left us hurting.

 

Always remember that you're good enough. You sound like you're going about this the right way though, not looking at his profile again or anything like that.

 

I just can't help but think why was I not good enough, why did he treat me that way and now he's going to be doing all the nice things he used to do for me for her instead.

 

He will probably treat her like crap too. Don't forget that. I hope it doesn't happen, but if it's headed there, I hope she sees the signs and bails before it gets that far.

[opalant]

I hate the thought of them talking about me as well because it's going to happen at some point, I mean we were together for a very long time and she's going to be curious about his ex. He's going portray me as the psycho ex girlfriend probably and say nasty things about me to make her feel better about herself.

 

And she'll never know that he hit me and drugged me and shouted at me when I cut myself and called me names, she'll just fall for his charms. I'm not going to warn her about him, because it'll just come off in the wrong way and she won't believe me anyway. But I do kind of hope he changes for her sake, and he doesn't break her down like he broke me.

[Mrlovahlovah]

hey opalant,

 

sadly, wether you believe in a mysterious ways god or the big bang and quantum mechanics, there's no true absolute and immediate justice system in this universe .

 

that said, us humans have a rather fixed set of moral rules (not talking about the obvious ones nor the judicial system in your country) that guide most of us through life and abiding them or not affects the outcomes in our lives.it's pretty practical and what a lot of people confuse with the spiritual KARMA. eventually, one's actions will catch up with them. same goes for your boyfriend. maybe he changes his ways, maybe he doesn't. that doesn;t have to bother you. he's a ****bag with a disposition to being violent, which is something that isn't easily treated at the age of 18.

 

please, don't let this abusive relationship damage you and define who you are with future partners or in life. doesn't matter what he says about you. you guys

are probably not gonna seen each other for the rest of your lives. imagine as if he had died or you two are living in two different instances of reality. his actions no longer affect you!!!

 

get stronger with the days and we're here for you.

[opalant]

The thing is I have had to bump into him quite frequently after the break up, but seeing him actually made me move on faster because all I ever thought when I saw him was 'why was I ever with him?' he's constantly showing off and pretending to be something he's not, his Dad is my boss, so I see him because of work sometimes, and his sister still wants to stay in contact with me because she looks up to me a lot and I'm not going to say no.

 

When I see my ex I ignore him, although at the start he tried to hug me and flirt with me and kept sending me texts so we could be 'friends' I've shot all these advances down and I think that's now why he's decided to move on because he knows he's going to get nowhere with me anymore.

 

I'm going to be moving away for university next year though and I'm looking for a new job so that I definitely don't have to bump into him again.

[thejabberwocky]

Remember this: that girl is in the same crappy relationship that you couldn't deal with anymore. Pity her. No one deserves to be with such a scumbag.

 

Don't you think for a second he's changed and she gets the "good" part of his personality. She gets every little horrible thing. Betrayal and emotional and physical abuse. You should feel so sorry for her and hope she has the strength to walk away.

[opalant]

I was young when I met him, was abused as a child and things like that so I never knew to stand up to him, felt like the way he treated me was the norm and that's why he did what he did, because he knew I wouldn't stop him, now I feel as if he's learnt what not to do from our horrible and toxic relationship.

 

I feel like a toy that's been discarded away and now he knows how to treat the next one properly.

 

Also found out a few hours ago that my ex asked his sister (who still stays in contact with me) if she liked his new girlfriend and she said no because she wasn't me, which has made me feel loads better hahaha.

[sandylee1]

Listen sweetie.....HE'S NOT good enough for you. Any guy who lays a finger on you isn't worthy of your time. You had a lucky escape from him and you should never forget that. I said the same thing to a 17 year old trainee at work when she said her BF slapped her and I told her to report the assault like her dad wanted to.

 

Don't look him up again and just know you'll find hapiness with a guy who will love and respect you.

 

You're just a couple of years older than my eldest daughter and I'd be mortified if a guy did this to her. I hope you never fall victim to this again, but if you do, leave the guy and don't look back.

[Strength in Healing]

You likely just think she's nicer looking than you because of his abuse and abandonment stripping you of confidence. I'm sure you're beautiful.

 

And I wouldn't worry too much about him being happy. Someone who can viciously abuse someone is far from happy, but usually good actors. Empty inside like a glass that wasn't filled.

[opalant]

Thankyou for all of your replies, I've gone from crying my eyes out this morning to actually feeling positive about it, he's now her problem not mine, he most likely won't try and reach out to me again because he has a new distraction which is good. I in no way feel jealous of what she's got now. I still keep comparing myself to her though but I guess this will go in time.

[stillafool]

I just can't stop comparing myself to her and it's horrible. I keep thinking about them being intimate with each other and that's horrible too. I know he abused me but he was my first love and knowing he's with someone else now makes me feel sick.

 

I don't even understand why I'm so upset though, even if he came running back and begged me to take him back I'm strong enough now not to do that because I know he won't change for me. And I don't even like him as a person anymore but I'm angry and upset that he's happy with someone else, and I'm alone even though he's the one that treated me like crap.

 

Well what about you, are you dating new guys?

[stillafool]

I hate the thought of them talking about me as well because it's going to happen at some point, I mean we were together for a very long time and she's going to be curious about his ex. He's going portray me as the psycho ex girlfriend probably and say nasty things about me to make her feel better about herself.

 

And she'll never know that he hit me and drugged me and shouted at me when I cut myself and called me names, she'll just fall for his charms. I'm not going to warn her about him, because it'll just come off in the wrong way and she won't believe me anyway. But I do kind of hope he changes for her sake, and he doesn't break her down like he broke me.

 

Chances are they already had that conversation in the beginning of their relationship and aren't talking about you now so don't worry. That would bother me too. Please don't call warn her about anything just leave them alone. She wouldn't believe you anyway but will think you are a jealous psycho. Just leave them alone, don't look at FB and keep moving forward. You will be okay.

[sandylee1]

You've got your whole life ahead of you. Always a value yourself and don't be with a guy who doesn't treat you right. You need to have some dealbreakers in relationships....so if a guy verbally abuses you, belittles you or is violent with you.....don't accept it.....those are raging red flags.

[opalant]

We’ve been broken up for 5 months now, I’ve spoken to quite a few guys but not for very long because none of them interested me. Me and one of my guy friends have always had a kind of sexual tension between us, have loads in common but we’ve always both been in relationships, then a few weeks ago (we’re both single now) we kissed but we agreed nothing could happen because he’s moved 100 miles away for university.

 

I’m open to the idea of a relationship, I’m just not going to go out searching for one because I’m more or less happy by myself for now, just seeing my ex with someone else knocked me back a little bit.

 

I feel like I’ll still come up in conversation because I can imagine it will bother her when she finds out me and his sister still speak and I work with his Dad. I’m not going to message her, I’ve blocked her as well as my ex now.

[stillafool]

I really don't blame you for not wanting a relationship at this time. I don't think you are ready either. There's nothing wrong with going out and enjoying their company though. Oh, and don't talk to his sister about them. It would be an unwise move on your part.

[Ryan_XD]

I was with my ex for 3 years and 3 months from the age of 15 to 18. He was so nice to me at first, then towards the end of the relationship he was emotionally and physically abusive.

 

I really miss our good memories but I don't want him back because of what he's done to me.

 

I don't know why, I hadn't checked his social media for months and I've blocked him but I just decided to check to see how he's doing at the first picture was of him and his new girlfriend.

 

She's 2 years younger than him and extremely pretty, I know I shouldn't compare myself to her but she's so much nicer looking than me. He hurt me and hit me and now he's with someone else and I'm left to cry over him. I feel like he doesn't deserve to be happy. I'm not going to contact her or him, or check his accounts again because that really hurt, but I don't know what to do now.

 

I just can't help but think why was I not good enough, why did he treat me that way and now he's going to be doing all the nice things he used to do for me for her instead.

 

 

I'm in the same situation, I was with my girlfriend from being 15 (split up when we was 19 this May). I'm afraid at that age not many relationships last, especially not now days.

 

Whenever a person is grieving the loss of someone, you always remember the great times you had, your brain will make the person you lost seem a lot better than they actually were (this is natural).

 

Remember him for what he actually was and how abusive he was towards the end of the relationship not as this golden person. You deserve a lot better and will get better, trust me.

 

Stop checking his accounts and keep him deleted/blocked. Social media sites are to keep in touch with friends/family - he is neither now.

 

All the best.

[opalant]

I don’t know how to keep moving forwards, I feel like I’m running backwards in my healing now. I haven’t checked their accounts since I found out, they’re both blocked anyway, but how do I stop this internal battle inside me.

 

It’s so awful because you actually grow up with them, he was my first everything and now it all doesn’t seem as special as it did then. Like we lost our virginities to one another, I haven’t done it with anyone else but I know he will be doing now and it makes me feel sick like it’s not special to him anymore. I wish I hadn’t gotten into such a serious relationship at such a young age.

 

I keep trying to think of the moments when he hit me, how it felt when he drugged me, when I found out he’d cheated on me, not physically but chatting to girls online etc. But my stupid brain keeps thinking about all the holidays we took together, how happy and close we were, how nice he was to me and I don’t know how to make it stop. I managed to stop putting him on a pedestal but since seeing the photo of him and his new gf I feel like I did at the start of the break up. -.-

 

I know he won’t think of me or our memories anymore because he has someone to distract him, he used to message now and again saying sorry for hitting me but now he won’t feel guilty anymore because he just won’t care. I don’t want him back, but I wish I could have the old him back. I feel like someone’s gotten what I’ve always wanted without evening trying when I tried so hard to fix our relationship, he’ll be doing everything I wanted for someone else. I feel like nothing, I feel like it’s all my fault because I let him do what he did to me.

[stillafool]

It's so, so normal to feel the way you do about losing your first love. It happens to us all. Most people do not go forward and marry their first love but that is the one you will always remember so it's very doubtful anyone will erase his memory of you. I know you don't realize this yet but you have yet to meet the love of your life. You are going to be okay but the only thing that will heal you is time.

[candie13]

what you describe is an abusive RS - not just physically but emotionally and mentally too. If I were you, I'd start reading some books about survivors in abusive relationships and even try to get to talk to a therapist, if I can afford it.

 

while I understand that you do not want to start a new RS, you cannot keep avoiding to live your life for fear of not bumping into another abuser or licking your wounds indefinitely. From my own experience, I've always mooned over past Bf and RS way too long... until I met someone new. I am not saying you should, however you should move on... and if possible, cut all ties with his family.

 

Get a new job, change the setting, reinvent yourself. It'll do you good and it'll be magic for your self esteem !

 

big hugs

 

candie

[candie13]

oh, and no... from what you're describing, he didn't get himself a new gf, he got himself a new victim ! People don't change over night, their very essence is so dark and angry and hateful that they cannot help but overspill it on those closest to them... gfs / lovers / wives / children...

 

don't walk away from him and memories of your RS with him... run !