Echo2828 Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) A lil history first.... I was married at an early age. My husband was very controlling and emotionally deglectful. Once i left, after 12 years, i vowed to never deal with that again. The guy i am with now knew all of this and he totally agreed that was not what he would be. My bf and I have been together for almost 3 years. It was a great relationship up until about February of this year. He has always been overly affectionate and a bit clingy, but he still had his own life and I had mine. He has always been a bit jealous too. Around the beginning of this year he got worse. He demanded all of my time. He gets jealous of how important my children are to me. He would start arguments about how I don't spend any time with him, sometimes we were together for 7 days straight-all day long, bc his job only requires him to work 14 days a month. He stopped going to the gym. He started calling in to work. His life outside of us was going down fast. I started shutting down. I have 4 daughters oldest is 17 and the baby just turned 3... always requiring attention. He,in a sense, became one of my children. Meaning always needing attention and constantly required affection.. even more than he originally required. Our talks about this became 3 day long arguments bc he said I didn't care or love him bc I couldn't provide what he wanted. He then started talking to an ex behind my back and kept it hidden for over 2 months. We broke up shortly but got back together. Sex was not the issue that led him to do so. They didn't even have sex. He wanted an undevided emotional connection that he said I didn't provide. Sex in my opinion would not have hurt me as bad. Since being back together it's so much worse with his insecurity and need for constant attention. I have days where I just feel like running away, but I love him so much. He is emotionally draining to be around though. He says I'm heartless and don't care about him bc I have almost refused to talk about it. When we "talk" it's him constantly being negative about my love for him. It will also go on for days non stop. I can't even enjoy a day with my kids without constant txt and phone calls about how much I don't care for him. I need some reassurance from someone that I'm not a heartless person. That his suffocation isn't all in my head as he would like for me to believe. Is there such a thing as too much. Sorry so long. I'm just at my white end here.:sick: Edited October 12, 2015 by Echo2828
Qboro90 Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 So you vowed never to deal with a controlling, emotionally neglectful and abusive partner ever again after your first marriage ended..... Yet here you are putting up and sticking around for round 2 with someone who you admit is sucking the life out of you? You already have and know the answer. The man you met and fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. The person you'll see tomorrow is who he is. The initial attitude he portrayed when you started seeing him was only able to last so long... Now you're seeing what he really is deep down and you're forcing yourself to stick around for no reason. This man is manipulating you whether you believe it or not. There's a reason why you find yourself married and dating these kinds of men. You somehow believe that they'll change or that you're causing the problems somehow. This man is using "you don't love me as much as I love you" and requiring constant reassurance and attention as a tool to manipulate you into doing what he wants. You even said its like you have another child. You've spent a full week and days at a time just with him so you've initially changed your life and sacrificed what you want in order to appease him and to keep him happy, or to avoid arguing about it. He's winning. You've allowed him to let himself go physically, socially, and emotionally by not putting a stop to it and by letting him come back after the first break up. At his age, his behavior is not going to change. Come to terms with that now and get a plan set for leaving him. Picture yourself 5 years from now with this man... Living the way you have been. Is that what happiness is for you? I doubt it. Stop wasting time and honor the vow you made yourself after your marriage. Demand more from the men you're with. And perhaps most of all.... Set an example for your children about what a happy healthy relationship is. You've exposed them thus far to men who do not treat you the way you deserve and it's showing your kids that it's acceptable behavior. If your daughter dates/marries a man like your ex husband or your current BF, would you be happy for her and proud? 1
Author Echo2828 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) You're right about my daughter dating a man like either of them. I am so hypocritical bc I constantly tell her she should never get envolved with someone like them. I recently told him that I no longer choose to live like this, but don't leave bc he says he realizes he has a problem and it stops for a few days. Thank you for opening my eyes to what I should've seen myself. He is the same as my ex he is just going about it a different way. His way is more manipulative and not straight forward like my ex was. I guess it's time to suck it up and walk away. I guess I've known that all along. Edited October 12, 2015 by Echo2828
Fleur de cactus Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Sorry you are here with overwhelming situation. I think I know what you are going through, I went through similar situation. I am sure you are drained, very exhausted. I was the same way. My ex did not want me to visit my children. In my case my kids were big. However sometimes I needed to see them, I had to go to college for a visit or bringing something they forgot. Anyway, he did not like it. He cried saying that I am leaving him alone. We were not even living together but we lived in the same town. He wanted me to be there for him whenever he wanted. He could go away but he could not understand how I could go somewhere without him. He acted like a little boy and could be angry and refuse to talk to me. I was emotionally draining as I was walking on eggshells. DO you know what? I know you love him, but sometimes love is not enough to live together since he does not get it. Do you know what I did, I let him go. He did not want it but I run! My children were grown enough to be independent, I did not want another kid to tie me in one place like a baby who needs attention in irrational way but could not love me back. You have a small child, if he loves you he should understand that you deserves time with your kids and that the little one is your priority. I am not telling you to break up with him but I dont see that your relationship will lead you anywhere since by my experience those kind of people keep going to the ex and another ex and then come back to you and it is exhausting. You know what is wrong. It is up to you to make a decision. Anyway, I hurts, but sometimes you have to end a dysfunctional relationship. Be strong.
Author Echo2828 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 I am drained. Physically and emotionally. I'm tired of constantly being made to feel guilty about wanting five minutes to myself. I know that it isn't going to get any better and that me leaving is realistically the only option. When it was good is was great. I connect with him in ways that most people never get to experience. However, the bad now outweighs the good. I have been distancing myself lately. It's made him an emotional basket case. Ive told him that we were nearing the edge of no return. I guess I was holding on to a Lil hope he would go back to who he once was. I really appreciate the time you all have taken to read and respond. I needed an outsider to give me some feedback.
MidwestUSA Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 You have a baby that just turned three, and have been with this guy for almost three years. He was your rebound. You took no time for yourself, which was much needed. Do it now, history is repeating itself. 1
BrokenManAgain Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Hehehehahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha!!!! Sorry, one of my woman Sgts had this exact same problem. She solved it by making home made fireworks, ie low grade explosives (completely legal). Honey, if you make my hands twitch, we're going to lose the kitchen ... Problem solved.
PinkInTheLimo Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 You have to break up with him and you know it. I think that it is hard because he seemed like a normal guy the first years. Now for some reason he starts to be very controlling and you still hope to find the guy you knew first to come back. I don't think that will happen. He lured you in with good behaviour and now that he thinks you are hooked he shows his true nature. Get out of this relationship as quick as you can. It will hurt but you will soon realise that there is more peace in your life without him.
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