How do I confront wife about shocking sexual past?

[deadelvis]

Hmmm, I'm of the opinion that my wife should not have to answer for everything she's done in her past, especially if she's been a great partner, wife, mother and friend up to now.

 

Not saying I wouldn't have been shocked, as the OP suggests, but I'm not willing to throw her under the bus because of this.

 

Throw her under the bus? Don't you mean the train?

[RoseWater]

Hmmm, I'm of the opinion that my wife should not have to answer for everything she's done in her past, especially if she's been a great partner, wife, mother and friend up to now.

 

Not saying I wouldn't have been shocked, as the OP suggests, but I'm not willing to throw her under the bus because of this.

 

I genuinely think it's great that the OP's wife was so open minded.

[deadelvis]

Once again I have to point out the obvious...

 

two separate issues here...

 

1. Husband is not exactly thrilled that his wife spent her college years getting gangbanged by a fraternity of black guys.

-seems valid

 

2. Wife wasn't straightforward about her history. “a couple of one-night stands” is not even in the same ballpark... Not mentioning something of that magnitude constitutes a major lie by omission.

-I would assume the gangbangs aren't the only thing she's failed to mention

[jen1447]

I genuinely think it's great that the OP's wife was so open minded.

 

The fact is it may well be great in her mind as well. Everyone determines their own values, and tempting as it is to assign ours to everyone else, that's never legit.

[deadelvis]

I genuinely think it's great that the OP's wife was so open minded.

 

Open minded? Explain? How does this equate to being open minded?

You mean morally bankrupt?

[SammySammy]

This is freaking hilarious!

 

"She was young and foolish. "

 

We all have things we regret"

 

I don't know what planet you guys are from. Around here, being gang banged by a fraternity is considered a little more than "young and foolish." And to set the record straight, no we don't all have a lot of crap we are ashamed of. Sure, I slept with my share of women, but even in high school I had common sense. Even drunkand screwing around at college I could control myself.

 

What makes you think this means she doesn't have common sense or can't control herself?

 

Why is it so hard to believe a woman can knowingly choose to do something like this? Without her being drunk, drugged, out of control or lacking common sense?

 

And why are we assuming this is something she's ashamed of? I totally understand her not revealing this to her husband, but that does not mean she's ashamed. Seems like it's a rather fond memory to her.

[endlessabyss]

buy a nice greeting card that expresses your condolences. put the pictures inside the greeting card with your divorce papers. leave it on the nightstand with a dozen roses. never look back.

 

 

I would have to go down this route if I found something out like this.

 

 

This would be gut wrenching, almost as bad as a break-up or divorce.

 

 

Those images would haunt me forever, especially the graphicness, as well as the joy she was deriving.

 

 

I mean, she pretty much degraded herself to the fullest, "chickhead"?

 

 

She actually wanted to be called a chicken head?

 

 

Chilling.

Edited October 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SammySammy]

Open minded? Explain? How does this equate to being open minded?

You mean morally bankrupt?

 

This overly critical and judgmental attitude is the reason for your relationship problems.

[deadelvis]

What makes you think this means she doesn't have common sense or can't control herself?

 

Why is it so hard to believe a woman can knowingly choose to do something like this? Without her being drunk, drugged, out of control or lacking common sense?

 

And why are we assuming this is something she's ashamed of? I totally understand her not revealing this to her husband, but that does not mean she's ashamed. Seems like it's a rather fond memory to her.

 

I would say "out of control or lacking common sense" are both fair assumptions...

[deadelvis]

This overly critical and judgmental attitude is the reason for your relationship problems.

 

No, women who pull stunts like this and then try to pass it off as normal behavior are the problem, in this thread and in my relationship

[RoseWater]

Once again I have to point out the obvious...

 

two separate issues here...

 

1. Husband is not exactly thrilled that his wife spent her college years getting gangbanged by a fraternity of black guys.

-seems valid

 

2. Wife wasn't straightforward about her history. “a couple of one-night stands” is not even in the same ballpark... Not mentioning something of that magnitude constitutes a major lie by omission.

-I would assume the gangbangs aren't the only thing she's failed to mention

 

Technically the gang bangs were one night stands

[deadelvis]

A select handful of porn stars even do those type of scenes. If it's something most porn stars wouldn't participate in, I think we can safely assume it's a bit outside the scope of "normal behavior"

[SammySammy]

No, women who pull stunts like this and then try to pass it off as normal behavior are the problem, in this thread and in my relationship

 

A woman's sex life before she met you is your problem?

 

Do you see how silly that sounds?

[deadelvis]

A woman's sex life before she met you is your problem?

 

Do you see how silly that sounds?

 

A woman's sex life prior to the relationship is not generally an issue. But when things like (this thread) are revealed.... that's hardly just an issue of male insecurity.

[RoseWater]

The no condom thing is bad though. I hope she has been thoroughly examined by a doctor since then.

[deadelvis]

There are some things which fall outside the realm of "normal sexual history"

The big 3 that come to mind... prostitution, porn, gangbangs.

 

Involvement in "that world" is a bit beyond the whole "the past is the past" argument.

[deadelvis]

It's kind of like the difference between "oh I tried drugs in college" and being one of the characters from Trainspotting.

 

Not even the same ballpark

[jen1447]

There are some things which fall outside the realm of "normal sexual history"

The big 3 that come to mind... prostitution, porn, gangbangs.

 

Involvement in "that world" is a bit beyond the whole "the past is the past" argument.

 

According to a subjective value set that's been determined by you. Why does anyone else have to feel the same way or think what you think?

[CarrieT]

According to a subjective value set that's been determined by you. Why does anyone else have to feel the same way or think what you think?

 

Repeated for truth.

[deadelvis]

According to a subjective value set that's been determined by you. Why does anyone else have to feel the same way or think what you think?

 

Ok, fair enough. I realize Sasha Grey might not see things that way, but I think the overwhelming majority of people who meet the social norm for being "sane and well adjusted" would consider gangbangs to be bit outside the scope of "normal sexual behavior"

 

Should I start a thread titled "Is it perfectly normal to do gangbangs?" and see what the consensus is?

 

Nothing personal, but I don't think Jen and Carrie represent an unbiased and "typical" viewpoint on these things.

 

Of all the freaky people I know, only one girl has openly admitted to doing gangbangs... and she's mentally disturbed.

Edited October 12, 2015 by deadelvis

[Dolfin80]

A select handful of porn stars even do those type of scenes. If it's something most porn stars wouldn't participate in, I think we can safely assume it's a bit outside the scope of "normal behavior"

 

Have you had a threesome (or more) before?

[jen1447]

Ok, fair enough. I realize Sasha Grey might not see things that way, but I think the overwhelming majority of people who meet the social norm for being "sane and well adjusted" would consider gangbangs to be bit outside the scope of "normal sexual behavior"

 

Should I start a thread titled "Is it perfectly normal to do gangbangs?" and see what the consensus is?

 

Nothing personal, but I don't think Jen and Carrie represent an unbiased and "typical" viewpoint on these things.

 

Sexual proclivities aren't matters whose legitimacy are determined by consensus, so it would be pointless.

 

You can do all the polling you want to see how common it is, but that's a different question entirely from being 'okay.' If you're going to presume to tell anyone what is or isn't ok within the law, then you're better suited to a religious totalitarian regime than a free society.

 

In other words, loosen up and get off your high horse.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My personal feeling is this...whatever my husband did before i came into his life ...is really none of my business....and vice versa.

 

Now ..if he did something in those days...that could effect my well being....contracted a disease...filed bankruptcy, robbed a bank.....he should absolutely disclose that information.

 

I can't understand why anyone would keep this kind of incriminating information...and this is the second or third story like this in the last couple of weeks on this topic.....so i guess it does happen.

 

We all have things in our past we are embarrassed about...things we wish we had not done. In addition...we all have things...lines...that we draw in our relationships....that we expect to be respected.

 

I believe you should discuss this with your wife...but be prepared for her reaction.....none of us wants to be confronted about things we would rather not discuss...especially secrets.

 

Only you can decide what you can withstand....is this "secret" you have discovered is more than you can bear...then you will have to decide what is best for you.

 

It is very sad...because it sounds like you and your family have a wonderful life....and I am very sorry that this discovery might end that for you.

 

I definitely think you need to seek some professional help.....if nothing else to help you sort through the emotional roller coaster you must be on.

[deadelvis]

Have you had a threesome (or more) before?

 

Certainly. Several times. I see where you're going with this. My GF did a few MFM threesomes with her ex bf and his best friend. That's not so unusual these days. A gangbang is far beyond a threesome.

[GorillaTheater]

I had a sexual past before my wife, too.

 

But I sure as hell didn't keep souvenirs from those days. I think that's what's bugging me the most about this.