How do I confront wife about shocking sexual past?

October 12, 2015

I think he should talk to her about it but not in a judgmental way; just to get past it.

Agreed.

He can talk to her about it if he feels it's necessary, but two things he doesn't want to do is be judgmental or show insecurity.

October 12, 2015

She was stupid for keeping the evidence. OK she got wild and crazy and did something stupid but you keep memento's of good things that you wouldn't mind sharing with someone. The only thing I could think of is her getting aroused looking at them when she was alone.

October 12, 2015

My second hope is that some of you may be able to offer a little insight into what she may have been involved in. Was she a swinger? A stripper? A prostitute!? What is the significance of a “Chickenhead Convention”? I realize there is a very good possibility that she will become very angry that I found these pictures and may not tell me anything. In which case, I'm hoping I can deduce at least part of what she was involved in.

The reality is some women fully enjoy this sort of thing. Impossible to say exactly what was going on and exactly where her mind was at, but if she's smiling in the photos and it looks like she was enjoying herself, well ....

It may be a tall order to take that all in but in a way I'd be glad she was involved voluntarily and enjoyed it as opposed to the alternative.

October 12, 2015

I have some videos my wife and I made years ago when we set the camcorder on the dresser and made our own sex tapes.

I also have a collection of some sex pictures of my wife and I as well as some pictures of us with some playmates from back in our swinging days.

I will always keep the pictures.

I will keep them under lock and key but I will always keep them. As strange as it sounds they actually mean a lot to me. They are a reminder of some very fond memories. They are very personal and private.

If I should become widowed or divorced, I will still keep them forever. If I remarry or become seriously involved with another woman, I will do my best to keep them secure and discreet so she does not find them and does not go through the turmoil that the OP is going through. However I will not disclose their existence to anyone else that I may become involved with.

And if I do become involved with someone else, just because I had group sex experiences with my wife years ago, that does not mean that I will necessarily want to have those experiences with any future partner.

Nor does it mean, that if I were to become involved with someone else that I will feel the need to dispose of those pictures.

They are something personal and private and of a fond memory of my past. Noone has the right to take those away. I don't want anyone to feel hurt or feel threatened or feel anguish over them in any way so I will keep them discrete and private. But I will not feel shame or regret over them even if some future partner does happen to find them.

And at my age, I will assume that anyone that I would become involved with will have some naughty pictures stashed away somewhere as well.

We are all human and no matter how much we try to tell ourselves it won't bother us to know that our partner had some wild experiences before us, it still does bother us and has an impact. For that reason, I won't go looking for them.

It's unfortunate that the OP had this happen in this manner but these things do happen.

I understand his distress, but I don't think any of us have the right to point fingers at her and shame her or judge her for either the experience or for keeping the mementos. As much as we may want to look for other excuses and explanations, the truth is those were probably some of the most exciting and memorable nights of her college days.

She may not want to have anything else to do with that lifestyle now as a full grown adult and that may be nothing more than a fond memory and one of those times where you look back and say, "what was I thinking?" but that doesn't mean that she feels any actual shame or that she should feel shame.

If he confronts her, she may feel shock and horror over what he might do or what he might think of her and she may feel bad for the anguish he is going through.

And it is for that reason that I think she should seek IC and discuss this with a professional before confronting her or taking any kind of action about it.

A professional may weigh all the evidence and all of the factors and decide that no confrontation is necessary. Or if he does need to discuss this with her, then it might be best to do it under the guidance and mediation of a professional rather than throwing a bunch of pictures in her face and saying, "look what I found!"

October 12, 2015

Ya man.....Why the F were those pics still around? If your kids found those....man..that would ruin them.

Another example of why the only mementos are to only be stored in your head.

October 12, 2015

There's so much of this coming up lately. I don't understand why couples, at the start, can't just agree that the past is the past. What we did in our younger days shapes and defines us as we are today. The 'sex talk', which I don't believe is really necessary, between my husband and me consisted of:

Him: I had my man whore days
Me: I did some things I'm not proud of

I have pics, not horribly explicit, just me and my ex on a nude beach. If H came across them, he'd say 'Wow, your body was ripped back then'.

So you feel ok with your husband finding out.

What is your position if your kids find those photos?

What are you going to say to them?

October 12, 2015

I think he should talk to her about it but not in a judgmental way; just to get past it.

There is no getting past it. I have learned that just from reading.

I wish a wife would come here after finding a box of her husband's sexual memories. It would be VERY interesting to see what the response would be....

I have to say, this particular story would be much tougher for me than the others I have read, where the hubby basically knew everything but just needs an axe to grind. These are some serious secrets...with photos.

You know, people pretty much make fun of anyone who waits to have sex until marriage these days. But hey, those of us who did don't have a stash of memories either.

October 12, 2015

If the photos were of her and a dozen of her colleagues on a business trip last year, that would call for a confrontation. What you've got is at best a good topic for conversation about those wild college days.

October 12, 2015

Me, I'd just put those pictures back where you found them and not bring it up. It's private, it's from before she met you and not really your business. Yes, maybe she lied about her past but in my view a lie is justified to protect a secret from someone that doesn't have a right to know.

You say it is difficult to reconcile the behaviour with the wife you know. Well, in a sense she is not the same person now as she was then; people change over the years.

If I found something like this I personally would not be overly upset about it. I suspect my wife has a large "number" - probably over 100 - but I don't really know and I don't share what seems to be the current obsession of the youth of today in knowing all this stuff. A woman is entitled to some secrets.

October 12, 2015

Me, I'd just put those pictures back where you found them and not bring it up. It's private, it's from before she met you and not really your business. Yes, maybe she lied about her past but in my view a lie is justified to protect a secret from someone that doesn't have a right to know.

You say it is difficult to reconcile the behaviour with the wife you know. Well, in a sense she is not the same person now as she was then; people change over the years.

If I found something like this I personally would not be overly upset about it. I suspect my wife has a large "number" - probably over 100 - but I don't really know and I don't share what seems to be the current obsession of the youth of today in knowing all this stuff. A woman is entitled to some secrets.

Your right to a degree and to his wife it's something that happened a long time ago but to him, it just happened so to remain calm about it would be next to impossible.

This will play on his mind and especially when he and his wife become intimate. He's going to have a ton of mind movies going through his head and I can't blame him.

It's a shock to his system that he's seeing his wife in a whole new light and if it isn't brought out and discussed, sooner or later his wife is going to want to know why his attitude has changed and if he doesn't say anything then it will only get worse.

He knows and until it's brought out and talked about it can never get back to normal and honestly I doubt if it ever will.

He said that his wife never was in to any wild stuff and they didn't dabble in it and now he has the proof that she does and she lied to him so now there's a trust issue. In other word a big mess.

October 12, 2015

Jesus...Im struggling enough with my wifes past and I knew most of it before we got married. Im not sure I would be able to go on in a marriage knowing and seeing what you saw. I'd be open and honest with her or else this is going to eat you alive.

On a side note....how many bloody times are marriages going to get into trouble after 10+ years because the husband finds out something that the wife lied about. Mainly how many partners she had or what she did back then that she refuses to do now??

Is it impossible to find a woman who didn't sleep with the whole football team in college and then lie about it to their husband when they are ready to settle down?

You know the problem is we women are so sentimental and into keeping things like this. I've no idea why she would keep those pictures.

I threw out birthday cards/and valentines day cards/poems /love letters from all my XBFs before moving into the house my H and I bought. There's no place for those things in a marriage.

I'm sorry for your find ....how devastating. I'm sure she's ashamed of all that stuff now. I don't know what answer will really satisfy you though.

You say she'd only let a trusted person photograph her but she could have been more naive when she was younger. I know I did silly things in my college days, that I'd never do now.

I just can't see a happy ending. ...you raise it and she says..yes, I did it..I was young, stupid and ashamed. I loved you and didn't want to tell you because I was scared of loosing you. I'm a different person and wouldn't do those things now.

What can you really say to that ?

October 12, 2015

Another thought ....sometimes it helps to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Who in their right mind would share, whether in the dating phase or as a lead-in to marriage, that they used to like to participate in and film interracial gangbangs? (Unless you knew you were sizing up a partner who was into that sort of thing.)

People have pasts, no way around that fact. If you 'confront' her about hers, about all you'll be certain of doing is making her life miserable for having sth so obviously personal exposed, and making your marriage a ham-fisted affair where you've always got this 'thing' hanging over her that you can bash her with at any time.

October 12, 2015

Another thought ....sometimes it helps to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Who in their right mind would share, whether in the dating phase or as a lead-in to marriage, that they used to like to participate in and film interracial gangbangs? (Unless you knew you were sizing up a partner who was into that sort of thing.)

People have pasts, no way around that fact. If you 'confront' her about hers, about all you'll be certain of doing is making her life miserable for having sth so obviously personal exposed, and making your marriage a ham-fisted affair where you've always got this 'thing' hanging over her that you can bash her with at any time.

Agreed. I've been thinking the same thing. Why would she share that with anybody? Especially when she knows the men she would potentially marry are insecure, threatened, intimidated and judgmental about such things.

We've talked about the Madonna/whore complex in other threads. Men need to be realistic and realize their wives may have been open-minded and enjoyed sex without him at some point in their lives.

October 12, 2015

You can't "unring the bell" in this case, I'm sure if you had your way, you could have spent your whole life not knowing this.

Maybe the same thing is true for your wife? You have a great marriage, approach any communication with her as though you both are on the same side and not at odds over this. Just apologize, say you know, tell her she has nothing to apologize for, but can we burn the photos and move on.

Then let it go and do your best to live in the present and not in the past.

Good luck to you!

October 12, 2015

Although what she did would gross me out a bit. The thing that would really upset me is why she kept the pictures instead of destroying them, and why she lied when asked a direct question. It wasn't like these were pictures of her and an old bf at Disneyland. These were pictures of her engaged in group sex with a bunch of different men unprotected. Then she lied to his face about it. What makes him insecure or threatened for feeling a certain way about it? If he doesn't bring it up, he will undoubtedly harbor some ill feelings about it. And what's worse is he'll wonder what else she has been keeping from him.

October 12, 2015

Then let it go and do your best to live in the present and not in the past.

If he's going to do so - and I agree, it's an admirable goal - what's the point of confronting her ???

Either the OP can accept this or he can't. In these types of situations, if I were to continue in the marriage I'd take the secret of my discovery to the grave...

Mr. Lucky

October 12, 2015

I wonder if she got checked for STDs yet

October 12, 2015

If he's going to do so - and I agree, it's an admirable goal - what's the point of confronting her ???

I don't disagree with you, there may be no point to "confront" her, but this is eating him up and I have to say, it would be difficult to get out of my mind too. So I'm thinking some course of action to put closure on it is necessary.

And I'm not advocating a confrontation, that's why I mentioned that he approach the subject as though they both are on the same side. Letting it out in the open may relieve any bad feelings over this and I'm thinking his wife may be feel better since she no longer harbors a secret of her past.

October 12, 2015

Another thought ....sometimes it helps to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Who in their right mind would share, whether in the dating phase or as a lead-in to marriage, that they used to like to participate in and film interracial gangbangs? (Unless you knew you were sizing up a partner who was into that sort of thing.)

People have pasts, no way around that fact. If you 'confront' her about hers, about all you'll be certain of doing is making her life miserable for having sth so obviously personal exposed, and making your marriage a ham-fisted affair where you've always got this 'thing' hanging over her that you can bash her with at any time.

The problem I see with this is that if she would have destroyed the pictures, he wouldn't have found them and her secret would be safe unless she just so happened to run into one of the guys in the pictures with her or someone who was there but she kept them.

By keeping them it tells me that she didn't want to put it in the past but every once in a while re live it by looking at the photos.

Now not only does he have a problem but her stupidity and actions has caused her a world of trouble and she owes her husband an explanation. He deserves one and I can tell you that to a lot of guys it's going to fall on deaf ears and there's going to be trouble.

She didn't use good judgement back in her college days and you can chalk that up to being young and foolish and lord knows that we've all done foolish things when we were younger some worse than others but as an adult she still didn't use good judgement and the proof is she didn't destroy the pictures and one more thing.

He husband found them. Could you imagine if one of the kids saw these pictures? How in the world do you explain something like this to your children and would they be able to forgive seeing Mom doing porn? She has no one to blame but herself and what ever happens, she has to ask herself if it was worth it. Big trouble ahead.

October 12, 2015

I wonder if she got checked for STDs yet

Ummmm....all this was prior to their marriage. It isn't an affair. I assume if after all these years he doesn't have an STD then she didn't give him one.

To me, the biggest issue is the lying and the photos. Why keep those? Now, if they were packed in some box that has been sealed up for years and she forgot all about them, that is one thing. But they were in a false bottom of a bureau. And this isn't a case of her saying she slept with 10 guys but she actually slept with 12....these are some very big and very purposeful lies.

I don't think this can stay unaddressed.

October 12, 2015

buy a nice greeting card that expresses your condolences. put the pictures inside the greeting card with your divorce papers. leave it on the nightstand with a dozen roses. never look back.

October 12, 2015

The problem I see with this is that if she would have destroyed the pictures, he wouldn't have found them and her secret would be safe unless she just so happened to run into one of the guys in the pictures with her or someone who was there but she kept them.

By keeping them it tells me that she didn't want to put it in the past but every once in a while re live it by looking at the photos.

Now not only does he have a problem but her stupidity and actions has caused her a world of trouble and she owes her husband an explanation. He deserves one and I can tell you that to a lot of guys it's going to fall on deaf ears and there's going to be trouble.

She didn't use good judgement back in her college days and you can chalk that up to being young and foolish and lord knows that we've all done foolish things when we were younger some worse than others but as an adult she still didn't use good judgement and the proof is she didn't destroy the pictures and one more thing.

He husband found them. Could you imagine if one of the kids saw these pictures? How in the world do you explain something like this to your children and would they be able to forgive seeing Mom doing porn? She has no one to blame but herself and what ever happens, she has to ask herself if it was worth it. Big trouble ahead.

I think it's safe to assume she personally values the memory and the experience to some degree. (Ppl don't keep momentos of bad memories.) And she's entitled to whether the OP would approve or not. You don't have to disavow your past to have a future w/somebody. I assume she doesn't consider it a mistake at all, but she probably does consider it private.

Which leads to the fact that OP violated that privacy by looking in the envelope, which he had already determined was a 'secret' envelope.

Getting married doesn't mean you give up all rights to personal privacy, both in terms of the concept and in principles like the right to the 'security' of information you don't want to be public. OP knowingly violated that and now here he is. If he'd had more respect for her the past would have stayed private and in the past and it wouldn't be staring him in the face now like an oncoming train.

October 12, 2015

This is freaking hilarious!

"She was young and foolish. "

We all have things we regret"

I don't know what planet you guys are from. Around here, being gang banged by a fraternity is considered a little more than "young and foolish." And to set the record straight, no we don't all have a lot of crap we are ashamed of. Sure, I slept with my share of women, but even in high school I had common sense. Even drunkand screwing around at college I could control myself.

October 12, 2015

If it were me I would tell her something and ask her something.

I would tell her that everything we say and do has a consequence(s) both for ourselves and those we love whether now or in the future. I would say that my feelings about the person I met and fell in love with were made without a complete understanding what she could allow herself to do.

The question, and perhaps the more important point, is why she kept the pictures and flyer and what does she truly think about what she did back then.

Her answers, if you think you can believe them, should give you the direction you need to go in.

Good luck,

Twosadthings

P.S. If you don't get the answers you feel you need, every time she catches you looking at her she'll know what you're thinking. That's no way to live a happily married life.

October 12, 2015

Hmmm, I'm of the opinion that my wife should not have to answer for everything she's done in her past, especially if she's been a great partner, wife, mother and friend up to now.

Not saying I wouldn't have been shocked, as the OP suggests, but I'm not willing to throw her under the bus because of this.

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How do I confront wife about shocking sexual past?

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