lovel Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 Hi everyone. Need to just let this out, appreciate any advice, words of wisdom, encouragement, whatever. Broke it off with an exclusive, but noncommittal man after 6 months. Or maybe he ended it. I'm not sure. Background info: we are both in our early 30s. He is divorced (2 years ago, 5-year marriage) and has a 5-yr old daughter with joint custody. I've never been married, been dating casually for the past year or so until we became exclusive. He has always told me that he has very strong feelings for me and that he can't picture his future without me in it. We've talked about marriage, children, the works. We're very much compatible with each other and we're always having fun. We built a very close friendship too, promised he'd always be there for me and that the only way he'd ever leave is if I wanted to end things. Last month, at the 5-month mark, I wanted to know where our relationship was headed because although we were exclusive, we weren't officially in a relationship and that worried me. He said he wanted to take it slow, that he just needed time and to just trust him. So I stayed. The other day, on our 6-month 'anniversary,' I found out that he has an active, recently updated profile on a dating site. Updated within the past few days, based on the new pics. I asked him about it and said I don't want to continue seeing him if he was still on the market. And that was when things fell apart. 1. He became really defensive and said he didn't like that I was spying on him. I had to explain that I wasn't spying and how would I even have found his profile when I'm not on that or any other dating site? It was a friend of mine (ugh) who saw him in her search results. 2. He said he didn't like that I didn't trust him. I said I didn't think I was being unreasonable for feeling a certain way. 3. He said he wasn't looking for other women, just friends. That he has also met some 'nice people' on there before he met me and they still message there every now and then. He then said that if I didn't want to see him any more he wasn't going to stop me, and that he was tired of me questioning our relationship. Mind you, I've only brought up the relationships talk twice, and this was the second. He hasn't contacted me since and I haven't reached out either. He did such a 180 on me and I feel like I don't know him at all now. Feel like such an idiot for staying because I don't believe his 'looking for friends' excuse at all. Like I should have just walked away the moment he said he wasn't ready. I'm feeling really crushed, to be honest. He was the first guy I really fell for in a really long time. I really thought we had something and was willing to wait it through for him to be ready, which now I see was a mistake. Now I just feel heartbroken.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 "The best form of defence is attack". He projected and turned it round on you. I'm sorry that he played you so well. You know, I really think when we hitch up with a divorcee, we really should be able to contact the ex- and find out precisely (in their opinion) why they divorced. All you have is your hook-up's version; most of the time it's biased in their favour. A half-hour conversing with the ex- may just put things into better perspective. Sadly, that opportunity is all-too-often rare, if not absent.... Give yourself time to grieve. It must have been a hell of a blow to you. Try to not check on his profile or see what he's doing. Hard as it may be, let it go, and block him out of your life completely. All the best..... 1
Author lovel Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 Thank you, yes that quote is perfect and is exactly what he did. As for the divorce, he said it was because they were just fighting all the time, especially after their daughter was born, that they didn't agree on anything anymore. Yes, I'd love to get her side of the story, but it doesn't matter now. Yes, it was one hell of a blow to me, definitely. I've just been lied to to BIG time and it hurts so much.
Maggie4 Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 What happened to you is not unusual with men and OLD. Just be glad you found out! Believe me, in a few months you will be over him. This is just a short 6 months episode, and you'll look back and wonder what you saw in him. Most likely men like him will still have profiles on those sites 10 years later, playing the game of love. It becomes a way of life for them. Don't be like that yourself. Find a real man in real life. 1
Author lovel Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 Lol thank you that made me laugh for some reason. Yes, it does seem to very common with men and OLD. The thing is I didn't meet him online, so I really didn't anticipate this one. Had no idea he was even dating online. But yea, I'll get over it, just really sucks right now because I feel lost, like everything he said was a lie and I feel like it's going to be so hard to trust anything another man says again. Can't believe I got played so well like Tara said. I've never had a man treat me like this before and it just makes me so mad and incredily sad at the same time.
Blanco Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 How long was he married for? I've read many times that for a lot of people, it can take 1 to 3 years after the finalization of the divorce to feel "normal" again. My guess is that this guy isn't totally over the divorce in that he isn't comfortable with a committed relationship at this time. 1
Author lovel Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 He was married for 5 years, divorced for 2. You're probably right. Or he just doesn't want one *with me* although he said he did, but just needed time. I don't know anymore. I woke up pretty sad this morning. I know I shouldn't but my heart feels so broken.
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