OLD trouble after getting out of a LTR

[PrismOfLove]

Greetings Loveshack Forums, this is my first thread... or post for that matter, but I am a longtime reader (reading these sorts of forums has been a "hobby" of mine for a while and this seems to be the best forum around).

 

Anyways, here a backstory, I don't expect everyone to read it all, I'll put a TLDR at the end. I'm a male of the shy variety, but I'm gotten much better at just being confident in conversation that it flows normally pretty much. I'm think I an be a fun person to be around and I have a great sense of humor! The main thing that alludes me is opening a conversation with people I don't know, I've done it in the past but it's draining and not easy to replicate for me. Therefore, for quite a while I've relied on OLD (much to my disdain) since it's a medium where the dating theme is implied.

 

I started using it when I was around perhaps 22 (it's been a while I don't exactly remember), and put around 3 years of serious effort into it (OKCupid, POF, the works), I had a bit of success once in a while, dates here and there, but for the most part remained alone and unsuccessful. I know what's it's like to be a guy on there, even putting your best foot forward (having a decently written profile and pictures) can sometimes be futile.

 

After a few years, when I was 25, I met a woman from one of the sites, she's very beautiful and sweet, and we hit it off. There began my LTR I spoke of. We were together almost a year and a half before that ended.

 

Okay, now for the main part of my post- I'm back to relying on OLD, I've tried overcoming my shyness (I'm around a lot of people quite a bit in person), but I've not been able to just say "Hi, I'm PrismOfLove, basically I thought you're cute, can I get your number?" to anyone yet (Does this even work?). This time I've been on OKCupid, PoF, and Tinder. It's been a while and I've had virtually no success...even less than the past times I had used it.

 

My profile is decently written (better than most I assume) and my pictures are decent as well (I hope, it's me in my avatar). One thing I've been thinking about that's been a common surprise when I talk to people in person (not from OLD) is when they find out my age. I'm 27, but look about 18-20. I was pondering that it might be a strong deterrent, especially at my age group; it's probably great if I'm like 40 and look 30 though. For all I know though it could just be OLD in general for men, I had just gotten lucky with my past relationship. The messages I send to people are the type asking something about their profile, showing interest in their interests as I know you're supposed to do, so I'm not lazy on that front either.

 

TLDR: Shy guy relies on OLD again after a LTR and has little success.

 

Here are my questions:

-From women that are in my age group, or have been in my age group: is the guy looking younger, a huge turnoff? In person vs. OLD?

 

-What should someone in my situation do? I've gone over all the alternatives in my head and sometimes I think just trying to meet people in person would hold more success. It's very tough for me though, I've had social anxiety since I was a teenager.

 

-Any general tips for OLD that I may be overlooking that can yield more success? (I can give more info if needed).

 

Thanks for reading (the novel)!

[kendahke]

I've not been able to just say "Hi, I'm PrismOfLove, basically I thought you're cute, can I get your number?" to anyone yet (Does this even work?).

 

No. Don't do that because many women will not give out their phone number to a complete stranger on a dating site without having had a couple of successful conversations on the site with them. IF you two hit it off and your communication is steady over the course of about 3-5 days, then give your number to her. She will either call you or she won't--and you will figure out her interest by how long it takes for her to contact you. Give her 3 days. If she doesn't contact you, she's either not interested enough to move on it or she's already entertaining other interests that she doesn't want to give up yet.

[thecrucible]

You look good (nice smile) and I reckon you don't look younger than your age. If a man looks younger, it wouldn't put me off if I know he's the same age as me (unless he looks like a teenager!).

 

What sort of thing do you write in your messages? Maybe you can give us a sample?

 

I personally hate OLD too. I have Social Anxiety as well and I can easily talk to new people, it's just underneath somewhere I'll be freaking out. I'm working on putting myself out there for the sake of my career and love life, even though it's painful. I would advise to do this too as it's the only way to build confidence in real life. I think this is really important to use all possible avenues for dating, not just rely on online dating.

[PrismOfLove]

No. Don't do that because many women will not give out their phone number to a complete stranger on a dating site without having had a couple of successful conversations on the site with them. IF you two hit it off and your communication is steady over the course of about 3-5 days, then give your number to her. She will either call you or she won't--and you will figure out her interest by how long it takes for her to contact you. Give her 3 days. If she doesn't contact you, she's either not interested enough to move on it or she's already entertaining other interests that she doesn't want to give up yet.

 

I was referring to in person interactions for that actually, I suppose I wasn't clear with what I was saying. I never say that on OLD because they hear it all the time and you need an attention grabber/show interest in their profile usually.

 

Is it alright to say that in person? Or is that setup for failure there as well?

[kendahke]

I was referring to in person interactions for that actually, I suppose I wasn't clear with what I was saying. I never say that on OLD because they hear it all the time and you need an attention grabber/show interest in their profile usually.

 

Is it alright to say that in person? Or is that setup for failure there as well?

 

Give her your phone number. That will show that you dont' have a wife or live-in girlfriend (something that she may be wary of). As I said, most women are not going to give a total stranger their phone number just because he asked for it. There's going to have to be something more compelling about you for them to do that.

[thecrucible]

Give her your phone number. That will show that you dont' have a wife or live-in girlfriend (something that she may be wary of). As I said, most women are not going to give a total stranger their phone number just because he asked for it. There's going to have to be something more compelling about you for them to do that.

 

I don't mind giving out my number to a guy I fancy but it's usually after some conversation and maybe a kiss. Then it's like "here's my number. Let's take it from there" haha. If a guy asked my number out the blue, I wouldn't give it out. I'd just say "My name is thecrucible. Find me on Facebook ;)"

[PrismOfLove]

You look good (nice smile) and I reckon you don't look younger than your age. If a man looks younger, it wouldn't put me off if I know he's the same age as me (unless he looks like a teenager!).

 

What sort of thing do you write in your messages? Maybe you can give us a sample?

 

I personally hate OLD too. I have Social Anxiety as well and I can easily talk to new people, it's just underneath somewhere I'll be freaking out. I'm working on putting myself out there for the sake of my career and love life, even though it's painful. I would advise to do this too as it's the only way to build confidence in real life. I think this is really important to use all possible avenues for dating, not just rely on online dating.

 

Thank you, it might just be hard to tell my age by how small the picture is though. I definitely do look younger. I usually get 19 or 20 from new acquaintances. A few months ago, someone thought I was 16. :/

 

My usual message on OLD would be something about their profile, but not just something I make up, I actually want to be sincere about it. Say they like Disneyland(quite common I've noticed actually), I'd say something like:

Hi, I see you like Disneyland, I went there this past June and it was awesome! I really want to go back. What was your favorite ride at the park?

 

Sounds like you definitely can relate and I totally hear what you're saying. I've forced myself to talk to people and such many times, with a good outcome usually, but it's just so tough on me I don't do it much. I really want to get better at it and I know it just takes practice mainly.

[PrismOfLove]

Give her your phone number. That will show that you dont' have a wife or live-in girlfriend (something that she may be wary of). As I said, most women are not going to give a total stranger their phone number just because he asked for it. There's going to have to be something more compelling about you for them to do that.

 

Interesting, giving a number vs. asking for a number is a lot less intimidating then? To get a number, usually bringing up common interests or whatever is very important and a direct approach doesn't work? I mean I know every woman is an individual but generally speaking.

[kendahke]

Interesting, giving a number vs. asking for a number is a lot less intimidating then?

 

Yes.

 

To get a number, usually bringing up common interests or whatever is very important and a direct approach doesn't work? .

Not out of the blue. If you walk up to any random woman and said "Hi, you're cute, can I have your phone number?", you're not going to get it if she's got any thing remotely like common sense. She doesn't know you from a can of paint. Let's not forget Ted Bundy was a good looking guy and you see where the random women he crossed paths with ended up.

 

You're going to have to find some common ground with her and engage her in conversation about that interest for her to feel comfortable enough to move forward with you. Giving her your number lets her know that you have sufficient interest to keep going forward and that you're available to move forward.

[PrismOfLove]

Yes.

 

Not out of the blue. If you walk up to any random woman and said "Hi, you're cute, can I have your phone number?", you're not going to get it if she's got any thing remotely like common sense. She doesn't know you from a can of paint. Let's not forget Ted Bundy was a good looking guy and you see where the random women he crossed paths with ended up.

 

You're going to have to find some common ground with her and engage her in conversation about that interest for her to feel comfortable enough to move forward with you. Giving her your number lets her know that you have sufficient interest to keep going forward and that you're available to move forward.

 

Keep in mind I'm talking about on a college campus, sorry I didn't mention that sooner. Does this make a difference?

I get it then, try to make small talk about something, like the book they are reading etc, then naturally move the convo to getting the number?

I'm guess I know all this and have done it in the past, but it's really tough with social anxiety. I think back all the years I tried to put myself in a social setting but no one ever talked to me. Years later I hear girls thought I was cute and such, but were too shy or whatever..woops.

[thecrucible]

I think your message sounds fine.

 

Also as for asking people out, I would say just take it easy and talk to them like anyone else you've just met, just find common ground and talk but don't take it too seriously then when it feels right, give out your number.

 

Have to say I do feel sorry for guys because of the pressure they have to get a girl's interest. Hopefully some guys will reply to this thread with some tips as well.

 

P.S. I love the website doctornerdlove for dating advice. There's some good stuff on that.

[joseb]

I was referring to in person interactions for that actually, I suppose I wasn't clear with what I was saying. I never say that on OLD because they hear it all the time and you need an attention grabber/show interest in their profile usually.

 

Is it alright to say that in person? Or is that setup for failure there as well?

 

No don't just ask for her number straight away. Why on earth would she give it to you? You haven't even talked to her.

Nothing wrong with going up and saying hi my name is x.

But you need to engage in conversation then, and build up enough rapport. If the convo is going well, you can suggest meeting up again and then suggest number exchange. Don't just walk up with the sole intention of "getting her number" it means nothing without a connection.

[PrismOfLove]

Hopefully some guys will reply to this thread with some tips as well.

I'm hoping so as well

 

P.S. I love the website doctornerdlove for dating advice. There's some good stuff on that.

I glanced at that site and it looks pretty helpful, I will definitely check it out, thanks!

[PrismOfLove]

No don't just ask for her number straight away. Why on earth would she give it to you? You haven't even talked to her.

Nothing wrong with going up and saying hi my name is x.

But you need to engage in conversation then, and build up enough rapport. If the convo is going well, you can suggest meeting up again and then suggest number exchange. Don't just walk up with the sole intention of "getting her number" it means nothing without a connection.

 

You're totally right, I feel like from using OLD I've been getting in the numbers game mindset, which is not as practical in real life. I've always been the type to try chatting about something before I get a number (the times I forced myself), but it's usually been my focus to get the number.

[joseb]

Ps

 

If I was on a collage campus I would not be wasting time on OLD. You should have loads of better options

 

Pps.

 

You look roughly your age. Dont worry about that.

[mystikmind2005]

This is my take on online dating..... ever seen that movie 'World war Z'?

 

Think of that Jerusalem scene in the movie where all the thousands of zombies pile up against the wall.

 

It is the same with online dating, you have to wrestle in a huge pile of men all trying to get to speak to 1 lady.... most of them are mindless zombies looking for sex, few will be of a high caliber worthwhile for the hapless woman to date, but it is the sheer weight of numbers that make it so difficult for a decent guy to get noticed.

[PrismOfLove]

Ps

 

If I was on a collage campus I would not be wasting time on OLD. You should have loads of better options

Well the main point of this post is that I have social anxiety and therefore have used OLD for 3+ years and now it's harder than ever. Trust me, I wish I could be that outgoing guy that chats up all the ladies. I guess most people will just say force yourself to talk to people in person, which is probably right.

 

Pps.

 

You look roughly your age. Dont worry about that.

Good to know, I do appreciate all feedback btw! ty.

 

Unrelated - I'd love to hear more on the subject of OLD from a guy's perspective that does or doesn't apply to my circumstances.

[PrismOfLove]

This is my take on online dating..... ever seen that movie 'World war Z'?

 

Think of that Jerusalem scene in the movie where all the thousands of zombies pile up against the wall.

 

It is the same with online dating, you have to wrestle in a huge pile of men all trying to get to speak to 1 lady.... most of them are mindless zombies looking for sex, few will be of a high caliber worthwhile for the hapless woman to date, but it is the sheer weight of numbers that make it so difficult for a decent guy to get noticed.

 

I have seen that movie and sadly that sounds like an apt comparison. I guess I was one of the worthwhile zombies that reached the top of the wall for my last LTR from OLD. Perhaps I'm not doing anything wrong on OLD and it's just that hard to get a date from it.

[joseb]

Well the main point of this post is that I have social anxiety and therefore have used OLD for 3+ years and now it's harder than ever. Trust me, I wish I could be that outgoing guy that chats up all the ladies. I guess most people will just say force yourself to talk to people in person, which is probably right.

 

 

Good to know, I do appreciate all feedback btw! ty.

 

Unrelated - I'd love to hear more on the subject of OLD from a guy's perspective that does or doesn't apply to my circumstances.

 

Yes, pretty much you need to force yourself. The first 1, 2 will be uncomfortable - it is for almost everyone, it gets easier.

 

For me, OLD was useless. It made me think that there were very few attractive single women in the world anymore, and that I was not at all desirable.

 

Real world has proved both of these incorrect.

[mystikmind2005]

I have seen that movie and sadly that sounds like an apt comparison. I guess I was one of the worthwhile zombies that reached the top of the wall for my last LTR from OLD. Perhaps I'm not doing anything wrong on OLD and it's just that hard to get a date from it.

 

Now your getting it

 

One other online dating trick i discovered which seems to help allot.... most dating sites allow you to list your search results in order of newest members first. .... the early bird gets the worm! lol

 

Although, the last time i did that and got a date which went well.... booked the second date and then after several days she cancelled the second date without reason. Clearly the hordes caught up and toppled me from my top order of priority

[PrismOfLove]

Yes, pretty much you need to force yourself. The first 1, 2 will be uncomfortable - it is for almost everyone, it gets easier.

 

For me, OLD was useless. It made me think that there were very few attractive single women in the world anymore, and that I was not at all desirable.

 

Real world has proved both of these incorrect.

It's very tough for me to do so but dating is important to me, so I really need to just talk to people. I've been having the same thoughts as you described in regards to OLD, so maybe it is pointless. 1 relationship in 3 years from it and trying to set up dates and such was tiring stuff. I think a lot of this post entails how much I forgot OLD was such a wasteland after having a nice, long relationship aka a vacation from OLD.

[thecrucible]

It's very tough for me to do so but dating is important to me, so I really need to just talk to people. I've been having the same thoughts as you described in regards to OLD, so maybe it is pointless. 1 relationship in 3 years from it and trying to set up dates and such was tiring stuff. I think a lot of this post entails how much I forgot OLD was such a wasteland after having a nice, long relationship aka a vacation from OLD.

 

I'm with you on that. I hate it. I am not a judgmental person but I know what's right and what's wrong and I'm fed up with the wrong guys messaging me who should have read my profile and realised we have nothing in common. I don't reply to like 90% of messages I get.

[PrismOfLove]

I'm with you on that. I hate it. I am not a judgmental person but I know what's right and what's wrong and I'm fed up with the wrong guys messaging me who should have read my profile and realised we have nothing in common. I don't reply to like 90% of messages I get.

 

I'm sure OLD can be annoying for both genders in different ways, yeah. I'm assuming men don't get many responses sometimes, so they message as many people as they can, creating the situation you spoke of (I could be wrong about everything). It's really just a tool to use to date I guess, so I shouldn't act like it owes me anything. I have put a lot of hard work into it though. The main thoughts I'm getting from this thread so far are that I should work on getting dates from real life. Easy to say, not so easy to accomplish.

Edited October 12, 2015 by PrismOfLove