Work vs Love- May have to leave the country next summer, don't know how to tell BF

[ToThinkIs]

Ive been dating this guy for about 5 months now. I am a foreigner in his home country. Ive been here several years for educational purposes, and while I would love to make this my permanent home in the future, due to the nature of my work, I have to go back home next summer for a work/training position that requires me to stay abroad about 4-5 years. No small amount of time.

 

While I think every day about staying here, lamentably I must admit the best thing for my career is to leave to accept this position offered to me starting next summer.

 

I have no idea how to bring this up to my bf. I am in love with him. He cares for me but I do not think he is in love with me-- he has himself admitted it is difficult for him to emotionally progress in relationships. We (I) have been working incredibly hard to make this relationship work because I really believe we have something good here, and that he just needs an understanding partner to work through his depression and emotional issues that hold him back. In all other ways he is an amazing boyfriend-- he is smart, funny, kind, very successful in his career, generous, considerate, and always willing to try to do the right thing to make this relationship work by listening to my suggestions, even though his depression/medical issues make it very hard for him to be optimistic about it. This is something I've been working very hard with him to overcome, and I think he can do it, with time. We have almost broken up at least a couple of times-- not because he has any problem with me, but moreso because its hard for him to emotionally get deep with someone and is scared he is going to waste my time just like he supposedly wasted his ex's times. I've met his parents and they adore me. Me and him get along great, he thinks Im smart and hilarious and says Im one of the only girls he's ever met that can make him really laugh. Our sex life is phenomenal, when he's feeling well (as I said, he has a medical issue that leaves him in pain very often and when he's having a bad period of pain obviously it's difficult to want to have sex or anything). This medical issue does affect his mood quite a bit-- he's never cross with me or mean to me honestly, but I think he basically just gets depressed about it, which impacts how pessemistically he feels about many other areas of his life, including relationships.

 

That said-- I have not spoken to him about the fact that it is 99% likely I will have to move back to my home country next year....probably for several years. I love the country we are in right now (his home country), I truly do, and I could see myself here long term but the fact remains that I have worked long and hard many years getting to where I am in my career now, and not taking this opportunity back in my home country would be a really stupid career move by every standard.

 

I have no idea how to bring this up to him. Every time I want to talk to him about it I see how fragile our relationship has been and I tell myself I need to wait a bit more until I can see if he finally feel comfortable in us having a future-- eg- what's the point of bringing up this big issue if he's still unsure about us in general? But I have to tell him soon, at least by early next year. And I really don't know how to do it. I love him so much that it pains me to think of having to choose between him and my career that I've worked so hard for. If he would be willing to go with me for a few years, I would happily come back here afterwards to settle down.

 

If anyone out there has had a similar situation I would welcome hearing what you did, how it turned out, and how you approached the conversation about staying together. Bear in mind the unique....status of our relationship. I know he cares for me but we have been shaky lately and this is primarily why I'm scared to bring up such a serious, life-altering conversation ("hey, so, i have to go overseas for work for 4 years or so....want to move with me for a while?')

 

I didn't put this in the LDR forum because technically we're not in an LDR at the moment....he has a great job here but he's expressed several times he's bored with it and wnats to try maybe doing something new in the next year or two, which would be perfect because he could come with me for a while and then come back here when Im done doing what I need to overseas.

 

Help help help. I hate keeping this from him, it's not a lie per say, but the omission of total honesty makes me upset and I just need to be delicate about this matter and how I bring it up to him....

[anna121]

I think you start with the basic information. Don't bother to prepare a speech - that will be overwhelming. If you have made up your mind (and FTR your reasons sound impeccable and I would not revisit them) then you express it as a straightforward decision and not as something that could be negotiated. Then go from there.

 

Do not wait for the perfect time - it will never come.

 

The longer this goes on, the greater the risk he will feel deceived.

 

As the old saying goes "screw your courage to the sticking point" (ok that was Lady MacBeth encouraging her husband to off somebody...but the sentiment still works).

[Ami1uwant]

When you say different countries...how far spartan are they?

 

Could he travel with you back to your country?

[ToThinkIs]

When you say different countries...how far spartan are they?

 

Could he travel with you back to your country?

 

We would be across an ocean from each other and at least a 10 hour plane ride. It is not something in which he could come visit me for the weekend feasibly. It would be either one of those situations in which he comes for a few weeks every couple of months, or totally long distance.

 

My hope is that he would be able to leave his current job in the next year and just come live with me overseas for the duration of my contract, and then we could decide together whether to stay in my home country or his ,and i would really be ok with either.

[Els]

Just talk to him. I think it would be a bit presumptuous to add 'Hey, wanna move with me?' though - that should be his prerogative to offer.

 

I'm concerned that at 5 months you are tiptoeing around this for fear of 'scaring him off'. 5 months isn't that short a time - sure it's a bit early to ask someone to uproot their life to move with you, but not too early to discuss things like this. Nobody actually HAS to move until much later on in the R. If your R is so fragile that it cannot even withstand a conversation about this 5 months in, I feel you would be better off without it.

 

If anyone out there has had a similar situation I would welcome hearing what you did, how it turned out, and how you approached the conversation about staying together.

 

My ex and I were dating for 2 months before he found out he had to move. We talked about it and since the move was 6 months off anyway, we said we'd cross that bridge when it happened. We eventually tried a LDR and it didn't work out, but that was more due to our incompatible personalities than anything else.