I f-ed things up, we're still friends though...but I can't accept that!

[Donburi]

My bf and I broke up. Well, he broke up with me, due to cheating. I have other posts going into detail about that. He knows that it was a mistake, that I'm a good person and that I wouldn't ever let something like that happen again. He knows how badly I feel and I think he would have to be pretty dense to not know how much I'm fighting to fix and work on our relationship.

 

I'm just so confused as to where we are.

He says he doesn't want to date me right now...right now? Is that implying something? I asked him if he said that to all his other ex's when "ending it" and he said no. With his ex's he would just flat out say it was over for good. He says he can't say that to me because he's never felt the way he does with me with anyone else. He doesn't know how he is going to feel in the future.

 

I'm so paranoid that he might just be stringing me along as a back up or something. Can't say I don't deserve though...but I still worry.

 

Two weeks ago he said we should try no contact for a while. We've been doing it for a while but we end up talking on AIM and calling eachother now and then. He's been in another state for three days now, he called me two nights ago. He caught me at a bad time because I was feeling REALLY low, I was thinking negatively about the situation and my dad was being a jerk, got a smack in the face for my room not being clean. I'm 20 but he makes me feel like a kid sometimes! So anyway, I was in tears when he called and I asked why he was calling. I didn't mean to word it like that, I meant to ask what was up, what did he want to talk about, etc... Anyways, he didn't say much after that and said he would call me tomorrow night (last night) but he never did. I called him this morning to see if everything was ok and he said he was busy hanging out with a friend. He kinda sounded distant...kinda cold.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna see him this Sunday when he comes back. I just don't know how to act. I want to show him how much I care and how I'm worried about US. But I don't know if he wants that. Whenever I do talk to him about that kinda stuff he doesn't act upset or anything, but he always responds with the same thing. "I don't know what to do right now...I'm not gonna know for a while."

I can understand that and I'm not trying to push him or convince him...I just want him to know....

I've been writing in a notebook my feelings and thoughts on all this. I think I covered everything about our relationship, I reminisced about how we met, I talked about other probs we dealt with in the past and how we got through them, I talked about this situation, tried my best to explain why it happened and then mostly I talked about what I was going to do to try to make things work. I had no idea I could write so much.

Do you think it would be a good idea to let him read the notebook? I kinda had plans to give it to him when he was going to Japan in two weeks (he'll be there for three) maybe he could read it on the airplane or something...or should I give it to him when he comes back this weekend that way I'll be right there to discuss with him, etc... Which sounds better? Reading it then having time to himself to think about it or the sooner the better where I will be available to talk to? I have no idea!!

 

I need a consequence for what I did...not knowing what is going to happen, and the anxiety I'm going through is driving me crazy...and yet I still feel like I deserve more pain...

[PDPullmn612]

Hey,

Don't fight to hard. Its OK to let him know how you feel, nothing wrong with that. But don't expect your expression of your emotions make him feel bad about any of it and want you back. If you fight to hard, he might feel like you are trying to pressure him into getting back together. The more you push and fight, the more he is going to distance himself from you, which is in no means a good step in getting your relationship back together. Now you say you are still friends, but you don't want to accept that. The point is you have to make a choice of whether you don't want to talk to him, or talk to him as a friend. In my opinion i would keep your friendship. No reason throwing away something like a friendship, especially if its a precious friendship. Good luck!